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I don't know where to post this, I just feel like I need to verbalize it because I've never been able to tell anyone and I don't know how to cope. I turned 25 yesterday. This happened last New years.

I am a really big animal lover, I had this dog that was 17 years old. I had a gf of 2 years that was going through a terrible fight with me, easily our worst. It basically came down to these events:

> I wanted us to spend new years eve at home with my dog, the year before with her was the first time I didn't and I wanted to make sure this year it happened
> She agreed, then a week before new years changed her mind. It also happens to be her bday, she wanted to go to a club.
> I said no and was pretty upset that she went back on her plans, she was upset that I wasn't okay with doing what she wanted to do on nye aka her bday etc.
> The fight about the bday led to the examination of our entire relationship, she wants to live in another city, i dont go places with her enough etc. The kinds of things that when we're OK are all good, but when theres a problem the differences between us come up. Eventually I told her I apologized for not wanting to do what she wanted on her bday and if we can still do the club thing, we should and I would be happy to
> The most heated point of the fight came from that, after a week of fighting, essentially leading to how I come around to things too late, we don't live together because i didnt agree in time (before her friend moved out here), she doesnt even want to live in this city, etc.
>>
> At that moment, I began crying for the first time in 6-7 years and basically blurted out that I wish my dog died because thats id never be able to leave him and I love her so much I want to move with her and make her happy but thats just what needs to happen
> She was taken aback and essentially the fight was deescelated from there, she said she knew i didnt mean it, we went to the club, she had a nice bday, our relationship right now is stronger than ever (we had another biggish fight a few months ago while she was depressed, but lately, its amazing)
> about a month later my dog died
> she was spectacular and took time off work, we cried together, we grieved and she was just really really there for me.

I just cant fucking deal with what I said though. Its honestly one of the only things I regret in my life. It was so stupid. And the shitty thing is I can't say I didnt mean it in the sense of it was wrong, I obviously did not want him to die, I would give anything for my pets to come back for a day. But it was true- for me to move with her, it had to be that way. I don't know how to deal with it. I feel really ashamed. I just wish I had not said it. I look at it like my dog knew I loved him, and I really love my girlfriend, and I was caught in a place where I had just broken down. But god dam it, i made it 17 years without a single regret to him and then one stupid sentence.

Any thoughts?
>>
Come to grips with your own lack of perfection.

Apologise to the dog's spirit, either literally, or appeal to the internalised image you have representing your memories of him.

Ultimately either way, you're still asking yourself for forgiveness for the fact that you're not perfect.
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>>18617546
I remember actually going up to him like the white person I am lol and telling him look, im very sorry that I said that, but thats how much I love you. I love you more than her and the only way I could leave you is if you died. But I don't want you to. He died 2 weeks after that.

I also don't even think its particularly true anymore, I realized I wouldnt leave my mom either because shes pretty sick. I caught myself before wishing anything else though. Just fuck that one regret.

I agree that its ultimately about forgiving myself for not being perfect. I had a moment of weakness that I will remember forever, and it sucks.
>>
He was 17 bro that's like 125 in dog years, he was on his way out anyway
>>
I have a little patch of his hair I kept and I apologized to it just now. I think it just took me this half a year to fully process my relationship and my feelings about all of this. I kept feeling bad about this because i remembered even weeks later I was feeling like yeah im sorry i said it but its true.. And I know now- its not true. I was just an idiot. When I really think about it, I wasnt leaving anyways. It was just something to say when I was having one of the worst moments ever. Be careful what you wish for but also sometimes we forget what we really care about. I miss that guy. I wish dogs could live forever
>>
>>18617558
Bruh this guy was a soldier, he had diabetes since he was like 9 too. Unbelievable length of life. Logically I understand anything I said or wished or thought had no likely effect on the death of an old animal, i think emotionally its just hard to process. Its better to go through life never wishing death upon anyone i think. I had a friend who wished his parents would die, i think ive read it can be a common thing to be like I need ___ person i love to die so i can move forward with my life. Never a happy ending that way
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>>18617539
>advice
Dont get another pet.
>>
>>18617577
well my girlfriend wants cats. So we're gonna get cats. I can't ever have another pet, I always felt like it would be disloyal but I dunno, I have to do it for her. Theyll be hers and Ill just kinda be like there.

Ive been googling for a bit and i dont see any case of anyone that actually said something as horrible as i did honestly. I really dont deserve another pet
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>>18617582
What you said didnt matter, was unrelated to what actually happened and if there is some afterlife animals are blessed with, you think your pet would feel that, a man who provided everything to this animal, would be resented over stupid shit you said once upon a time?

I say dont get another pet because you cant handle it. You care way too much and think way to highly of a creature with a fraction of your brainpower, but are more than willing to let it drag you down and impact your human relationships negativly.
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>>18617609

Thank you. Closing thread now. Ill grieve forever but tonight i finally realized its okay with a lot of help from this thread. Thanks again




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