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ITT: Food legends from your family.

When I was a kid my dad said I had to smash the bottom of the shell after eating dippy eggs, or goblins would come and steal it to use it as a boat.
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>>9538317
instructions:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi-Up8Xuh9c
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>>9538317
Why was your family so racist towards goblins?
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>>9538333
this show was FAR too dry
and while it was clever, the target demographic were all pot smoking retards that missed the point and would dude wut lmao at it
>>9538317
why would you deprive the goblins of a boat?
where do you think mayonnaise come from?
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Apparently, ice cream sundae is illegal to sell on non-Sundays, according to dad.
>tfw you realise that was a load of bollocks
>tfw you were 14 when you did
To be fair, I was a very, very gullible kid.
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>>9538404
>when you are being dropped off at someones house to work on a school project
>you go into the trunk to get the poster you are making
>see a scooter back there in a box
>weeks later on christmas open package that says from santa
>its the same scooter
I didn't want to find out like this
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>>9538371
>tfw like weed but can't stand other stoners because they're usually retarded

Same goes for Rick and Morty.
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>>9538429
rick and morty seasons 1 and 2 are unironcally great tv
season 3 had some good moments but was mostly bad and its very clear the new writers were putting political opinions in.
rick went to being a contrarian cunt for the sake of being a contrarian cunt to being a fedora lord brian griffin

I still really wanna try that sauce though
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>>9538423
A similar situation happened with me and beywheelz
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>>9538468
>I still really wanna try that sauce though
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhc_bXGvmp0
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>>9538423
My parents always made it very clear who provided the gifts. There's no Santa nor any of the other mythical gift-giving beings: just mum and dad. And if they're angry with you, you get nothing.
And next time my parents come to visit, which should be for Thanksgiving, I'm gonna tell dad to buy me a sundae to make up for the one he gypped me out of when I was 9. I just realised that I've /still/ never actually had one.
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>>9538530
I think you should be more annoyed that they gypped you out of the childlike wonder of really truly believing there was magic in the world
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>>9538578
I had plenty of it, just without Santa or sundaes. Not a big deal, really. Except for the sundae. I want my fucking sundae.
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Growing up I was told by my brother and nana to take the top part off a banana because that's where spiders lay their eggs
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>>9538317
My mum said that every bit of food has left on my plate would be a pimple or scar on my future wife so eat that shut clean
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>>9538317
My grandfather used to tell me to eat the crust on my bread if I wanted to grow hair on my chest
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My grandmother told us a (what I believe is a) classic : " Don't eat the seeds or a tree will grow in your stomach"
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>>9538317
my dad always made up fake people or used celebrities to scare me into not swallowing shit i probably shouldn't have

>don't forget, brad pitt swallowed a plum pit and died
>you remember ole susan fishbones don'tcha? swallowed some fishbones and it poked open her stomach and she died
>marty mc chicken bone choked on a chicken bone and he died
>brandon mc beef didn't chew his beef enough and it got stuck in his airpipe and killed him
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My family has a 100+ year old cast iron pot that was used to cook thousands of meals across 4 generations and it's one of our most treasured relics.

When my great grandparents died, their non-financial assets were divided up by the children in one giant poker game that lasted days (there were 9 children).

My grandmother insisted that my grandfather bring home the pot no matter what else and when they died my mother inherited it.

Soup/bolognese/stew cooked in it always tastes better than in a regular pot.
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Not sure if these are widespread or just stuff in my family only.
Mum was horrified to learn Ameriniggers eat watermelon with fried chicken because apparently, eating fried food and watermelon at the same meal is bad, but she never gave a reason as to why.

Another of her pearls of food-related wisdom: seafood should never be eaten with greens. Greens constipate. Seafood, if it's not of utmost quality, causes, as my dad would say, pissing out your arse. And if you can't piss out your arse when you have to, it'll just stay inside and make you sick and you die.

If you don't leave a chili and a clove of garlic out of any pack you buy (or harvest, I guess?) out to dry in the kitchen, demons will curse you (apparently, chili and garlic ward off demons). Once dried, I don't know if you can use it or if you throw it away when you get a new pack or what.

Leave any measuring cup empty and open-end up so it will catch good luck for you.

Don't eat garlic before going to church or praying because the messenger angels that hear your prayers and take them to god won't wanna stick around to listen if your breath stinks. Also brush your teeth in general for the same reason.

If a pregnant woman gets an itch while having a craving, her baby will have a birthmark that looks like the thing she's craving.
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>>9538892
>tfw dick shaped birthmark
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>>9538787
My mom told me this when I was a kid because I didn't like meat very much, but I knew she was joking. When I was 4, my dad told me that because I mostly ate cereal and PB&J sandwiches, I'd grow up to have a pencil neck. I'm now a 6'5"/300lb borderline vegetarian. That said, I'm looking forward to Friday when I get a bacon cheeseburger for lunch.
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>>9538908
Forgot to include that in addition to being a big fat fuck, I'm also covered in hair.
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>>9538908
Post nudes. >>>/soc/
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>>9538917
>>9538918
>and hairy
Post them now!
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>>9538908
>>9538918
>>9538921
degenerates
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"Don't swallow bubblegum or I will fist you."

Thanks Dad
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>>9538945
whoa
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>>9538578
>lying to your kids
>childlike wonder
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>>9538945
Moar
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>>9539158
I'm not some filthy whore like your mother, shut the fuck up be happy with what you got.
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>>9538945
y iz ur fucken nipple all scaly and shit. moisturize u dumb ass (not with mayo).
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>>9539273
Because I'm an alcoholic who showers too much and I'm almost constantly dehydrated.

y iz ur typign so bad n shit.read a book n figur out how 2 write u nigger
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>>9538468
rick and morty had political opinions present from the start
the new season just sucked at the jokes part of it
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would always ask for kinder surprises when i was a kid
parents used to scold me for even asking
>but why? i just want the toy?
>anon, the Kinderbird is meant to fly free, and the filthy italians battery farm them for their eggs just so little brats can play with cheap plastic toys
they said the line around the centre of the egg is where they cracked it open to scoop out the chicks
the chicks would be put back into the battery farm to make more Kinderbird eggs for 'little brats'
>what do they taste like?
>horrid, anon. like charcoal and milk!
>so YOU'VE tried one!
i would always catch a mean beating for that line, but they fell for it every time
to this day i still wonder if there is even such a thing as a 'Kinderbird'
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>>9538317
Dippy drippy tasty soldier eggs.
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>>9539283
Post feet.
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Just "common sense" stuff like "drinking/eating cold things will give you a cold/sore throat!"

To this day it seems like Slavs never put ice in anything ever, and I'm used to it now after a decade plus of living in Canada. I get culture shock from my own home country when I go back.

My parents tried to be pretty honest with me regarding food though. I was constantly hounded to eat meat because "you'll become anemic if you don't!" I was a little picky because I hated fat and gristle. I did eventually become anemic, causing my grandma to go on a passionate campaign of feeding me chicken hearts and liver whenever possible. I'm no longer anemic though I do have low iron pretty much perpetually. Chicken hearts are still very tasty. I should get a pack one of these days.
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>>9538882
>non-financial assets were divided up by the children in one giant poker game that lasted days
This is going straight to my testament.
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>>9538333
fuck off
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>>9538882
>Soup/bolognese/stew cooked in it always tastes better than in a regular pot.
I hate to be the bear of bad news but If I cooked the same meal in your speshul pot and in a basic bitch pot I bought at a store out of your sight so you wouldn't know which is which you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. You're like a wine snob.
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>Food legends
Food is food and you ate what was put in front of you.

This must be some European thing.
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>eating the fat on meat is good for your "coat" (hair)
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>>9538578
Tooth Fairy is more believable than fucking Santa
>hurr fly around the world in 7-8 hours visiting every house
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>>9540230
>the bear of bad news
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>>9540268
Speed of light
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>>9538317
When my dad was cooking an egg sandwich he would press down on it with spatula and it would make a squealing sound as the steam or whatever escaped. I asked him what that noise was, and he told me it was the chickens screaming in pain because they were burning to death.
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>>9540178
Milan?
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>>9538530
you go, girl
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>>9538787
>eat the crust on my bread if I wanted to grow hair on my chest

that's odd, my grandmother use to tell my brother and I that if we ate the crust of the bread then it would snow. Are there other grandparent/bread crust legends out there?
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>>9538729
Chink detected
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>>9540243
my mom would say the same thing but specifically meant for dogs. I think what she said was feeding our dogs the fat from steak or pork chops would give them a shiny coat.
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>>9538355
na na lan
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>>9540268
to be fair he has a good 24 hour time period. making his way west, starting with japan and the pacific islands.
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>>9540268
48 hours, actually, taking advantage of time zones. If he starts at the IDL and travels west, Santa would have two full days to deliver presents.
But still, with the global Christian population being 2.2 billion and assuming a family size of four people, he'd have to make 3143 delivers a second to get the job done.

>>9540284
The friction resulting from moving at such a speed would cause Santa to burst into flames, turning Rudolf and company into meteorite-like flashes of heat and light, screaming across the night sky. And with his caloric density due to his subcutaneous adipose, Santa may very well burn for quite some time. So no: that is not a solution.
However! Are you familiar with relativity? According to Einstein's theory, time functions at different rates for observers moving relative one.
A physicist at Cardiff University discovered a solution of general relativity roughly analogous to Star Trek's warp drive. His name is Miguel Alcubierre. To go deeper into pop culture, Futurama used his solution to describe how the Planet Express ship travels through space. That is by artificially contracting and expanding spacetime. By doing the same, Santa and his reindeer can travel at the speed needed to deliver his presents (relative the Earth, anyway) while simultaneously remaining stationary within their own bubble of space. Even this, however, isn't doable because of conservation of energy. It would require massive amounts of energy to accomplish, tens of billions of times more energy than is available in the observible universe and as the theory of conservation of energy states, energy can neither be created nor destroyed so Santa is SoL here, too.
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>>9538317
Not food per se but my mom always said you could only go to Chuck E Cheese when it was someone's birthday.
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>>9540496
>The friction resulting from moving at such a speed would cause Santa to burst into flames, turning Rudolf and company into meteorite-like flashes of heat and light, screaming across the night sky. And with his caloric density due to his subcutaneous adipose, Santa may very well burn for quite some time. So no: that is not a solution.
You forget an important fact about Santa though. He's fucking magic.
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>>9540509
No. Your forgetting Clarke's third law: any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic (to those lacking knowledge of that technology). No. Rather, I posit that Santa Claus has access to quantum technologies rendering him capable of existing at many points in spacetime using the superposition principle of quantum mechanics.
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>>9540536
You're^^, rather.
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>>9540536
And I say Santa is a meme.
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>>9540536
>Your forgetting Clarke's third law
How can I forget about something that I never knew of?
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>>9538848
For me, it's Marty McChicken.
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>>9540536
>No. Your forgetting Clarke's third law
>"Laws" from laymen.
Pseuds everyone!
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>>9540695
>clarke's opinion on speculative fiction shouldn't be taken into account because he's a laymen to the sciences
lolwut
Do you think laws apply exclusively to science? Better not tell Godwin, Hanlon, Gerson, Betteridge or Gibson then.
Actually, let me invoke Godwin's law right now, you fucking Nazi.
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Don't pick up a baby carrot out of a dish and then put it back, because it's mother will smell you and will reject it
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>>9540769
>Godwin
Holy fucking pseud lol.
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>>9538371
>and while it was clever, the target demographic were all pot smoking retards that missed the point and would dude wut lmao at it
what exactly was the point dude
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>>9540893
Just to be an absurdist parody of those old-ass made for public school educational film reels.
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>Don't stare at the microwave or you'll get radiation/go blind
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My mom always told me not to swallow gum because it takes 10 years to digest
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>Don't take the tab off the soda, you'll choke on it or cut open your lip
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>>9538317
My dad did something similar with dippy eggs.

He would crush the bottom and stick his dick inside like an onahole, but he would make me put my mouth on the other end and swallow the goopies he made come out. He said this is how new eggs were made and whenever I slept at night he would come in and pull eggs out of my belly button to eat for breakfast that morning before waking me up.
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>>9541206
What the hell is a dippy egg?
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>>9541106
Mine said it would cause a knot it my stomach
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>>9541234
He's seen it, but still doesn't understand what it is. Must be Amerishart.
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>>9541317
I knew it had to be a euro thing because only you pansies give such pussy-like, childish names to things
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>>9541326
childish name? Like smores and puff dogs.
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>>9541250
>>9541106
technically not wrong. You can't digest gum, but if you swallow it then it will just pass normally and undigested
there have been cases where people ate too much gum and have gotten bowel obstructions however, but that would take quite a lot
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>>9538317
We had a really lame joke in our family, where you'd empty your soft boiled egg, then flip it over so it looks like a new one.
Then you'd offer it to someone on the table, asking "do you want another egg?", they have to accept, crack it open and then act overly surprised when it's empty. Kek
How silly. But it's still funny.
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>>9541326
because they are children
oi m8 avin a tinny wif ya eggy n sarnie at brekky ar ya?
>>9541364
the fucks a puff dog?
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>>9541384
There is a supermarket in US that sells little hot dogs wrapped in puff pastry. They call them puff dogs. In UK, sausages or sausage meat wrapped in puff pastry is called a sausage roll. Puff dog just sounds like a gay rapper.
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>>9541400
It's Trader Joes.
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>>9538808
Yeah. My grandmother told me the same thing
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>>9541384
"tinny" is Ozzie speak.
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>>9541326
It's called a Soldier in Britain
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>>9538500
How underage are you, holy shit?
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>>9540337
kek pretty close

I do know a couple of those tho
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>>9540230
If the whole population was like you, culture wouldn't exist at the profit of optimisation

Like the Chinese really
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>>9538404
>hear ice cream van jingle
>"that's just the coal lorry anon"
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>dippy eggs

It's boiled egg and toast soldiers
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>>9541823
What if I boiled it for 10 minutes? Still a boiled egg, but you can't dip your soldiers. Hence, dippy egg.
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>>9541400
That's pigs in a blanket you fag
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>>9541899
pigs in blankets are sausages wrapped in bacon. Invented long before Amerisharts stole the name and used it for something else. Amerisharts seem to have a habit of doing this. Are they ashamed that they do not have their own language? You will find English has been around a lot longer than your country.
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>>9541860
Then you wouldn't need the toast soldiers would you ya pinhead
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>>9541926
Then what would I dip in the egg ya twat.
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>>9541934
You wouldn't need anything to dip in if you booked an egg for 10 minutes ya buffoon
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>>9541937
not even a spoon?
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>>9541206
uhhhhh?
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>>9541732
Serbian? Toronto area? About 300 feet tall? Long hair? Enourmous penis?
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>>9541926
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>>9541944
you'd use a fork you goon
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>>9542365
No, no, nearly, yes, definitely
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>>9542976
Well if you run across a tall long haired serb named Milan with a huge dick in Toronto tell him I say hi.
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>>9540956
You really think most people didn’t get that?
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>>9538429

>tfw everything surrounding Rick and Morty gets worse with each season

I hate to think how cancerous season 4 will be.
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My dad told me that bread crust contains more fibre so I should eat them, because theyre healthy.
Since it sounds plausible, I believe him and been telling the same thing to everyone who refused to eat the crust.
Then in college my roommate argued that since both the crust and the bread come from the same dough, the fibre content should be about the same.
I felt really dumb.
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>>9543618
Does heat have any effect on fibre? If yes then it might have less/more/different fibre.
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>>9538317
Holy shit my grandad told me this
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>>9541375
Yeah we did this too. Ebic Bantz from age of 4
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When you get a fortune cookie you have to remove the fortune and then eat the whole cookie before reading the fortune. Without accepting your fate by eating the cookie first, the fortune will never come true.

I made this up and don't have a family, but if I did
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>tfw my nipple pic got me banned for 24 hours

I had the jar of mayo to make it about food, wtf. Was it classified as a "grotesque" picture? It wasn't off-topic or pornographic because I'm male.
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Eat the end crust or your future mother-in-law won't love you.

Ah... grandmas.
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my dad told me that if you ate too many mashed potatoes your arms would become disproportionately long

i was like 3 at the time but believed it for quite a while
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>>9545604
You were asked by >>9538918 to post your sexy, hairy manliness to >>>/soc/, not here. Had you done so and linked back, you wouldn't have been banned.

>>9538942
How do you know they're not women? Women have always preferred tall guys and many women nowadays like a man outfitted with wall-to-wall carpeting.
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>>9547401
>many women nowadays like a man outfitted with wall-to-wall carpeting

t. Sasquatch
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>>9538808
I never spit out the seeds when eating watermelon
>what if I'm not actually fat and there's just a watermelon growing in my stomach
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>>9538892
>Another of her pearls of food-related wisdom: seafood should never be eaten with greens. Greens constipate. Seafood, if it's not of utmost quality, causes, as my dad would say, pissing out your arse. And if you can't piss out your arse when you have to, it'll just stay inside and make you sick and you die.

greens are full of fiber though. they're plant material. and I'm not sure seafood should give you severe shits like that if it's cooked correctly.

are you sure your mom wasn't just ja/ck/ in a dress?
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>>9546220

There might be some truth to this.

>be young me
>love mashed potatoes
>grow up with arms 4 inches longer than my father's even though we are the same height
>constantly asked to reach high-up, out of reach objects
>he even refers to my arms as having a "simian" quality

Life is suffering. If you have children, don't overfeed them mashed potatoes.
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>>9540291
fucking kek
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don't drink water after eating fish because the water will make the fish go Gulu Gulu in your stomach and swim up
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>>9538530
Sounds miserable. My parents kept the charade up until I figured it out for myself. They still give me gifts from Santa for the fun of it.
We also celebrated saint Nicholas day with the shoes and stuff. I loved it.
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>>9540216
Oy very
>>9538371
That wasn't perfect. Shit was still funny as fudge




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