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Hear ye, Hear ye. Today I call an emergency session of the Mages Guild due to... serious issues in the west. I shall discuss it in detail. This power is granted in the Book of Bureaucracy, sub-paragraph nine.
>A thunderclap is heard
I CALL THIS SESSION INTO ORDER!
>>
>>52255950
To add to this session, I would like to say that we have found that screaming curses in elvish, specifically "faggot" has some magical properties.
>>
>>52255967
And also Goblin raids have increased in savagery and brutality the last few days.
>>
>>52255950
I also require the rebuilding of the war room as well.
>>
I would to remind that the conjurers, that all summons must be within their wing of the guild. I don't want what happened last week to be a reoccurring theme
>>
Fellow Mages! A powerful force of nature has come into the sights of the Mages Guild. Its name is Tessagog.
>>
>>52256544
Well tell it to bugger off, we're busy with a meeting!
>>
>>52256577
Well no shit you're in a meeting, that's why I'm bringing it up here
>>
You can leave the eldritch knights and me to patrol area.
>>
>>52256544
That a druid problem. Someone go talk to them about it.
>>
>>52255950
Why do these threads always pop up on my busy days?
>>
>>52255950
"Serious issues in the west?" Since when are issues ever serious there?
>>
>>52257146
Define Eldritch, please, while I take notes on the meeting.
>>52257399
I could check the archives, milord, if it pleases you?
That said, what would the actual issue beLord Bloodaxe?
>>52256544
Would it care for some tea?
>>
>>52255950
I bet it's because of their new tyrant warlord.
>>
>>52258502
OH, YES, that is it! Most likely... I should think. Uh what was the name of this warlord again?
>>
>>52258729
Yes.
Oh, it's that bastard who I got into a drunk magical knife fight at that tavern... never mind. I must discuss the threat which I had described earlier.
>>
>>52258749
Yes. Now
>Pulls out papers
>Rings magical-dragon bell
Ah, Yes. Please, quiet. I have come to tell you about... this. I was in the badlands, killing off filthy succubi for a client. But, you know about how daemons are revelant in the region... Well... Gloosucri is... back. He is raising a dark army to take back the world, and consume us all.
>>
>>52258785
Ah, alright then, now we are getting somewhere, now for the record, is that figuratively or literally consumed?
>>
>>52258816
THIS IS SERIOUS! HE WILL KILL US ALL! DURING THE FIRST TIMES, WHEN MEN, DWARVES, AND ELVES FIRST AROSE, WE FOUGHT A WAR, AND HE IS TERRIBLE! HE WILL KILL US ALL! IF WE DO NOT FIGHT, WE WILL ALL DIE! DIE!
>>
>>52258816
YES! HE WILL TAKE OUR SOULS, AND WE WILL BE SLOWLY CONSUMED FOR A ETERNITY! I HAVE SEEN IT! THE END IS NIGH, UNLESS WE DO SOMETHING TO STOP IT!
>>
>>52258841
Oh come now, you're being hysterical. No point in acting so hastily when we could just banish it again.

>>52258468
No point in checking the archives, we both know you won't find anything of note.

>>52258866
You're going to scare the apprentices if you keep this up, you know.
>>
>>52258898
Oh. Sorry. I... The Dwarves have endured a lot, and he is very, very strong. So far... Agathar has fallen.
>>
>>52258913
So, Agathar has fallen, and we have a dark army to deal with, along with this... Glue-curry, you called him? Sounds simple, we'll need forty scrolls of lightbursting, a dragon's baculum, and a gemstone large enough to hold an entire dwarf-king inside.
>>
This belongs on >>>/qst/ .
>>
>>52255950
Hey, sorry I'm late, my alarm didnt go off. You know how it is. Did I miss anything important?
>>
>>52259005
Well we have your basic "Dark Lord" to deal with, a semi-hysteric survivor, and as per usual, someone clogged the toilets or something.
>>
>>52258913
Agathar?! Already?! Gods preserve us, milord were there any survivors?
>>
>>52259045
Gods preserve us.
>>
>>52259076

No.
>>
>>52259093
>>52259076
We're the ones preserving things tonight, firegut! We need to get on making something to fix the problem fast.
I had a vacation home in Agathar, so I'd appreciate it if we hurried.
>>
>>52259045
you know what would solve all three of those problems? timestop into maximized delayed fireball
>>
>>52259152
Yes. Currently Niamar and Ozoth are under siege, and Moros, the easternmost dwarf settlement has shut all its doors and is rapidly building up defenses. Milord, shall we attack. The dwarvish guilds have aided us, and so have the men. The elves are waiting.
>>
>>52259197
just summon some demons to do it for us, 20 odd balors should help
>>
>>52259197
>>52259219
I still like my plan with the baculum and the scrolls. We never make a decent portal into a dimension made of pure light anymore.
>>
>>52259152
>>52259134
(Gulp) Very well milords, we are faced with a problem of epic proportions, and we must meet it head on. [strike]So shall I call a plumber?[/strike] Shall I call on our allies in the area - warriors ought to be called up for a war, even if this IS the MAGES Guilds.
>>
>>52259246
Yes. As a emissary of the Dwarvish people, we are in debt to the guild. A 50,000 army and 20,000 honor guard force, armed with magicians and mechanics, are heading there. WE expect to make short work of them, especially with the Dragonpowder-fueled Splatter cannon.
>>
>>52259288
>Dragonpowder-fueled Splatter cannon.
is that what he ended up calling the dragonspunk cannon?
>>
>>52259312
Hahah
>Grabs hand around mage
No! He... was high designing it on Heroflower.
>>
I'll make the damn thing myself, then.
>He huffs and adjusts his gigantic hat, walking into another room, grumbling.
Got the scrolls, got the baculum, need to get a gemstone.
>>
>>52259423
I'm sure I could find one, in the Archives, the Gemology Department is proficient in collecting a wide selection, have you any preference, your Eclecticness?
>>
>>52259595
Big is the only requirement, though the colors yellow and sky-blue would be appreciated.
>>
>>52259642
Oh, an easy task Milord! I'll go scour our jewel pantry! (Exits)
>>
>>52259742
Thank you, firegut.
>Meanwhile, in the other room, he starts grinding up scrolls with a mortar and pestle.
>>
>>52259812
I have returned milord! And I think that I have just the thing! Flint! Come in! (A golem of yellow crystal, duck underneath the doorway as it enters the room)
>>
>>52260600
SIR! INCOMING!
>A dark bastion appears above the base. The Dark Lord and his forces decend
ATTACK! BATTLE STATIONS!
>>
>>52261159
(Horrified at the scandal) WHAT?! I thought the guild was charmed against attack!
>>
>>52261159
Could I have a description of the bastion and forces for the meeting minutes, please?
>>
>>52260600
>He brought it over to one rather large, bone-white obelisk in the center of the room, which he had been covering with paste made of scrolls. He pointed to the tip.
Up there, big guy. This ought to make a wand of lightbursting large enough to make a portal into a realm of nothing but light.
>>
If you're going to do die in battle, please do so near a Necromancer guild representative.
>>
Oh great, first time I leave the cellars in Months, and there's some generic evil overlord bullshit going down. And we're disorganized, as usual. What's this guys deal, and will he try to ban drinking, like those assholes did that one time?
>>
>>52263011
It is but the truth is if somebody wants to get in badly enough they can regardless of defenses.
>>
>>52263335
This is generally great advice, however this time I have a batch or resurrection potions available for anyone who needs them. They will be delivered and administered in the typical fashion.
>>
Stop dumping your potion waste into the river. It's doing weird things to the fish.
>>
>>52265444
??? Waste? I don't make waste every thing I make is either an end product or a recent and I make sure not products are wasted. You are probably looking for someone else.
>>
>>52265561
>>52265444
Actually, that would be me. Not every experiment with magic booze is going to have a positive outcome.

Now, how are we going to deal with the task at hand? Because I don't think booze is going to help here, especially if the undead are involved.
>>
>>52265662
Perhaps we ought to planeshift the academy for the time being. There's a suitable cliff for our tower in the elemental planes of fire...
>>
>>52265662
Why do I keep you around again? Oh yeah your beer is very good. *Auto-magical defenses have been set to anti-demon* all practicers of demon magic are advised to not cast that type of spell, also tieflings should leave as they will be targeted by the defenses.
>>
>>52258913
For the record I feel like we're too caught up in the murdering and devouring that the Dark Lord does. We're starting to become narrow minded people who only pay attention to one issue and ignore all the positives. Like all the tax breaks on magical research he plans to instate.
>>
>>52265969
I say, I don't think I've seen you around before! What is your field of study?
>>
>>52265969
Actually, yes I do believe you are new here. That said, welcome! Care for some tea?
>>
>>52266010
Demon-err Dimonology! Yes, the study of light magic and how it affects our surroundings and not demons. Unless of course it's how demons react to light magic, which is actually a large portion of what it is. As for you recognizing me, I get that a lot. I just have one of those faces I suppose.
>>
>>52266010
I used to have a mustache maybe that's it?

>>52266074
I'd love some tea, as long as it's not elven.
>>
>>52266074
Let the record show that proceedings have been paused for the customary tea break. We will resume discussing the current attack on the tower after the traditional biscuits.
>>
>>52266120
>>52266159
Tea is fine and all, but aren't new guys supposed to get hazed? I've got this great new stuff, brewed with water from a sacred spring. It's great, perfect for gauging a new guy. We'll need the rod of paddlings, too.

Now, as for those biscuits, have you got any with honey?
>>
>>52266159
The tea break is not taken if the guild is under attack. Instead we go to battle/prepare for battle.
>>
>>52266227
>>52266159
We're not barbarians, surely we have time for a tea break. I'm sure the tower will still be under siege in five minutes.
>>
>He walks back in, carrying an oddly shaped magical wand, made from the baculum of a dragon covered in paste made from 40 scrolls of lightbursting, and one large, yellow gem golem. How he can carry this, nobody knows.
Is it tea-time already?
>>
>>52266227
Well, I don't know about that... let us consult the Regulations.

>Summons a huge book and starts leafing through it. An apprentice runs up and relays a message while he carefully picks through the index.

Oh, really? Goodness. It seems the Dark Lord's minions are ransacking the Library East Wing in search of something. This is intolerable and I put forward a vote to shorten the tea break and resume discussions on this matter.
>>
>>52266339
Oh come now, there's nothing like a bit of tea to calm oneself in such situations. I would ask if anyone wants biscuits, but I think they got to the kitchen.

Gods have mercy on their souls if they open the broom closet on the... I think it was the third floor? Probably third floor.
>>
>>52266659
Wait, what's in the broom closet on the third floor?!
>>
>>52266701
Well, once upon a time I made some kind of monstrosity out of tapioca pudding, some general magical items I can't remember, and at least three "Summon Water Elemental" scrolls. I feel like there might've also been an imp and a cat involved. Long story short, I had to carve a cork to fit the keyhole and had to water/airproof the door on the fly.
>>
>>52266743
The same thing happened to me the first time I made a booze ooze. Note to the new guy, if you're in the cellars, the dwarf runes for KEEP OOT are NOT to be ignored.

>>52266339

Other than the library thing, they haven't really done much destroying for an evil army. Some semblance of normalcy will let our enemies know they have not cowed us. Now, I think I remember where the rod of paddling was last seen. Stay where you are, new guy!
>>
>>52266743
>>52266743
... Oh I see! In that case I just remembered something! Er... I left the oven on in the kitchen. Since we obviously can't have a magical towerfire on our hands I better turn it off!

>He runs off in the exact opposite direction of the kitchen.
>>
>>52266659
>>52266339
>>52266227
Fools! We can have as long of a tea break as we desire if we just use chronomancy!

Also, please lift the ban on chronomancy.
>>
Increased taxes for the ownership of familiars!
>>
>>52266810
They just grow so fast, you know?

>>52266839
Ah, that Edward Deathskull, what a fine young fellow, going to turn off the oven. Just what this place needs-- young blood!
>>
>>52266839
Where's he off to so fast? I never even found the damn rod.

>>52266845
You get privileges back as soon as ye tell me what happened to my brother, Darius. Geomancy hasn't been the same without him hawking the materials he gets from the plane of elemental earth, and I'm running out of excuses for his wife on why he hasn't written.
>>
>>52266845
No, Chronomancy is hard banned. It is way too dangerous and easy to mess up everything, end of discussion.
>>
Anyone have any luck with anthropomorphizing female cats? I've tried everything I can think of, but it seems that the girls reach "bipedal feline" and then switch immediately to "human with yellow eyes." Obviously, I need something in-between.
>>
>>52266992
Have you tried taking out 25% of the words in the incantation?
>>
>>52266896
What happened to Darius? I have no idea! Why would his sudden disappearance have anything to do with me?
>nervous laugh

>>52266948
As if alchemy is any safer!
I know you haven't forgotten about the Sea of Slime! That incident won't be forgotten for a few centuries! I would know, I've been to the future where it is finally forgotten!
>>
>>52267016
First thing I tried. God knows I didn't mean to hurt the poor thing, but hurt the poor thing I did, and quite spectacularly to boot. I've considered repurposing the effect of one-quarter of a cat gumming up the internal organs as an offensive spell, but that will have to wait until I've completed my current project.
>>
>>52267105
Have you tried it, but at 75% the speed?
>>
>>52267016
Don't encourage him! Cats are cunning, dangerous things. Had to leave my last home when the population just randomly exploded.

>>52267066
Aye, alchemy has had it's share of incidents. The Sea of Slime, the potion of genderbending, that thing with the pink mist, that time they ruined the economy with that 'lead into gold" fiasco. But every time you guys so much as fart, people disappear, reappear, cease having ever been, and make it impossible to keep track of the plot. I get headaches just thinking about what you could be cooking up.
>>
>>52267139
Human female with yellow eyes, 33% more time spent to make her. What I really need to do is ask one of our Necromancer colleagues to help me, but the whole skulls-and-blood thing they have going on is psyching me out. Maybe I'll ask Edwin. He seems like a completely trustworthy scholar.
>>
Sorry for popping out, but I've just reduced the dark lord to a one dimensional speck. Any ideas on how we should store him? I think the speck may still be sentient...
>>
>>52267208
Eat him. Eeaatt hhiimm. E e e a a a t t t h h h i i i m m m. Or better yet, give him to one of my girls to eat.
>>
>>52267208
That barrel of sacred brew I mentioned earlier might work. Brewed in holy water, sealed up tight, and if he does escape, he'll be easy enough to deal with blitzed off his gourd. Any idea what his minions took from the library?
>>
>>52267105
Have you tried simply creating a crossbreed between man and cat? You would certainly get more stable results, if you could accept the longer amount of time it would take to produce such a species.
Of course, if I could practice my craft, we could have an entire army and/or harem of them by now.

>>52267208
Time Chamber. Definitely a Time Chamber.
Please, it's one of the few things I'm allowed to even do anymore!
>>
>>52267208
Damn it, then I pulled the baculum out of a dragon for nothing. I suppose we could frame him in a picture, and hang him in the trophy room.

>>52267170
Oh, let him have his fun. He's trying to make cat women, not cats. Otherwise he's destroying cats.

>>52267184
>>52267242
1.) Most necromancers do that to spook people, just talk to them.
2.) NO EATING DARK LORDS, WE KNOW THIS ONLY ENDS IN POSSESSION.
>>
>>52267242
Ingestion would be... Unadvisable.

Plus, one dimensional specks are hard to find... Now where did I put him...
>>
>>52267271
If I can find him I'd be happy to restore him to three dimensions... Drat...
>>
>>52267284
No idea.
>slowly begins to shuffle away
>>
>>52267271
A-also the Dark lord's men are no longer an issue...
T-the kitchen monster got to them...
My various gods did it get to them! Their bones were made of tapioca, their MINDS were made of tapioca and yet somehow they were still alive. In an unending hell of mediocre desert ingredient filled agony.
>>
>>52267305
>He points at the Chronomancer
Dogpile him, he has the speck!

>>52267314
Well, on the bright side, now the only issue is a monster I know how to deal with.
>>
>>52267271
I'm not trying to make catwomen, and I resent the implication! I am merely attempting to advance our current understanding of the dichotomy of corporeal zoologic carnality and ethereal homogeneous sustentation and, by extension, our own natures!
>>
>>52267305
Damn! Well let me drink my seeking potion, oh and I'll need more of these made, I'm always losing things...
>Drinks potion
>>
>>52267170
The lead to gold fiasco was actually a scam. The creation of potions of gender bending unavoidable situation as soon many Alchemists are into that kind of stuff, however, I have put screening measures in place for all alchemy applicants and we have not had one such potion made since the incident you are likely refering to. The slime incident was a result of a failed attempt to blow up the guild by an outsider. The pink mist yeah that would be the fault of an accident and it was contained decently well.
>>
>>52267331
Don't be ridiculous, once my seeking potion takes affect I'll be able to see just where it is... Let's not point fingers at our esteemed colleagues.

>The potion begins taking effect
>>
>>52267331
Fools! I wield the power of time itself!
>disappears with a flash and re-appears seconds later
I guess I am a bit out of practice.
>>
Oh no ye don't!

>Throws bottle of Dwarven rotgut at chronomancer
>>
>>52267333
Well I guess this is my life now.

Why not make monkey person instead? Sounds a lot easier to me.
>>
>>52267388
Aw, c'mon man. This stuff stains like nothing else.
>>
>>52267362
Say, you don't happen to have any improperly brewed potions of Species Shift lying around, do you?
>>
>>52267381
FOOL! Time is a dimension!
>Sends the Chronomancer a thousand years into the past, leaving the speck
Oh, wait...
>Brings him back
Don't mess with anything in the past! There can be dire consequences!
>Sends him to the past again
>>
>>52267400
Monkeys smell bad and have fairly mundane genitals. Much more importantly, the creation of monkey people does not advance our understanding as much as the creation of cat people would. It's got to be cats.
>>
Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>52267381
You find a poisoned blade in-between your shoulder blades (it disrupts your temporal magic and prevents you from casting)
>>
>>52267420
Say could I see that speck for a moment. I don't believe I've ever seen a one dimensional object before.
>>
>>52267400
NO! By the Gods of the Forge, last thing we need is more simians. That damned Orangutan familiar of mine finally gave me back the stuff he stole during the familiar strike, only to go and get involved with some loan sharks. Now he's stolen me good work clothes and pawned them to escape from some thuggish orcs with ridiculous accents.

NO MORE MONKEYS!
>>
>>52267433
>Is struck with a poisoned dagger that was errantly thrown
Yooooowwwwww!!!
>>
>>52267405
Let's see here ... improperly brewed ah yes we have 5.
>>
>>52267441
Is that why I was getting all those looks when I made the familiar application for the flying monkeys? That's why I had to settle for those tiny devils instead?
>>
>>52267476
If I drank them all at once, would I be suddenly and horrifyingly twisted into an amalgamation of different animals? And if so, would it be exceptionally painful?
>>
>>52267457
Oh damn it, this happens every time someone uses a knife.

>>52267441
I had a gorilla before that strike, and now I've had to make my own. Necro-tigers who lay around and do nothing all day but babble universal truths in demon-tongues are not helpful.
>>
Falls into the floor gurgling incoherently
>>
>>52259003
This belongs in your mother, ahahahaha. Except I already filled her up with dead spiders, and squid semen. Were you even aware that squids had semen? I wasn't, until very recently.
>>
>>52267457
>>52267433
>dagger misses completely, likely due to me being 1000 years in the past at the moment

>>52267420
I'm a chronomancer you dolt! I can come back whenever I want!
Also, don't tell me what to do!
>>
>>52267539
Wait a moment I think I recognize you! Weren't you banned from the Aquarium?
>>
>>52267538
>>52267544
Oh. Well shit. I should have know there would be unforseen consequences.
>>
>>52267538
I swear to God-
>He taps Humsley with the baculum, and mumbles something.
Up and at 'em, poison veins. Try not to bleed on anything now, you'll melt it.
>>
>>52267566
Who, me?? You must be thinking of Maresimiliano, who is oddly enough completely unrelated to me. Let me tell you; that guy is a freak. A total pervert.
>>
Is this a bad time to drop off the mail?

I've got a few scrolls here that are, uh, pulsating.
>>
>>52267538
>>52267591
I believe I can help him. Does anyone have anyone have any rendered child's fat they can spare?
>>
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>>52267628

>walks out from a nearby wall

That is a bizarre request.
>>
>>52267623
More of a "throbbing" or a "rhythmic" pulsating, would you say?
>>
>>52267645
>>52267623
Oh, hey, my Scrolls of Infinite Metronomes are here!
>>
>>52267623
If there's anything from me sister in law, I'm not here. Like I said earlier, I'm running out of excuses. And if there's anything addressed to a "Benny", the ape is pretty much dead to me, so do whatever.

Say, Steve. As an intern, you were obviously the last to see the rod of paddling being used, right? We have a new guy here, and I'd say his hazing is past due.
>>
>>52267645
Varies from scroll to scroll, sir.

Though I'd say a vast majority are Rhythmic.

Also there's a parcel waiting for you in the mail room, Chuck told me to leave it there for you.
>>
>>52255950
Fuck this shit can we going back to murdering greenskins in their sleep?
>>
>>52267643
>>52267643
Bizarre? Are you calling me bizarre?? I'm a simple mage who puts on their robes one arm at a time every morning and every night I roll back my eyes and twist my body so the dark lord can show me the way. Just like we all do.

>>52267623
Is any of it dripping?
>>
>>52267686
Dave, you could always use this--
>He hefts up the dragon baculum w/ gemstone golem. How a single man is lifting this makes no sense, so let's chalk it up to magic. He is a wizard, after all.
>>
>>52267694
Thank you Steve, you're a doll. And if you ever want to take me up on that offer you can be a literal doll. I can even get you in the hands of a goth loli vampire if that's your thing.
>>
>gets up, but confusingly now sounds like Morgan Freeman
What happened? ... Oh my!
>>
>>52267694
>>52267674
I'll take those rythmic ones, thank you.
>Hands you a stopwatch
Here's a little reward for all the stuff you do around here
>>
>>52267686
Last I saw of it it was stuck behind a bookshelf in one of the eldritch libraries. Don't ask me how it got there, you can blame Trevor for that, he took his hazing poorly and ran off to join the Fighter's guild.

I guess he hasn't heard what they do to rookies.

>>52267701
One of them is soaked in some sort of black tar-like substance if that's any help.
>>
>>52267503
Yes, don't drink then all at once, the pain will be excruciating, you will polymorph into various other creatures and other alchemical mishaps may happen.
>>
>>52267732
Welcome back, don't bleed on anything, you'll melt it. Minor side-effect.
>>
>>52267701

I'm sure you're perfect fine. The request was odd.

>>52267623

Do I even get mail?
>>
>>52267701
A religious man? Good, we could use some more of that around here.

>>52267728
Oh, Grimur, it's beautiful. But I couldn't use it like that. Tradition is tradition, after all. But I'd hate to see it go to waste.

>>52267752
Library? Hope that evil fella's minions didnae get their mitts on it. With that, they could make themselves into a well disciplined, well organized party machine.
>>
>>52267752
Yeah that's mine, that's R'lenyhe's writing if ive ever seen it.
>>
>>52267758
>Holds his wound shut
Naturally.
Now who is the rapscallion who tossed that blade?
>>
Well, I'm going to go find unsuspecting groups of adventurers and replace any scrolls they have with these Scrolls of Infinite Metronomes for shits and giggles.
>vanishes with a puff of smoke
>>
>>52267829
Alchemist did it, he missed the Chronomancer.
>>
>>52267837
>>52267850
>>52267837
I'm new here, Is he even a part of the council? Or does he just show up once a week and cause havoc?
>>
>>52267775
Oh? Alright, I suppose. Tradition is tradition, you have a good point. If you ever need something strong, though, I do have this dragon baculum. Grind up a piece, and I think it works as a particularly strong hallucinatory ingestive and a powerful aphrodisiac. It is a dragon's baculum, after all.
>>
>>52267881
Aphrodisiac, you say? Powerful, you say? Dragon, you say?
>>
>>52267850
Ah, playing assassin again are we Alchemist? You'd do well to practice your throws more...

Now where were we?
>>
>>52267879
Listen, it's best not to think about it. Just get on getting that tapiocamonster back into the closet.

>>52267896
Yes and yes. A dragon's baculum. When ground into a fine powder, it makes you "trippy as fuck, fuck cactus" as the local kobolds said when I got it.

>>52267899
We were discussing how to contain the Dark Lord.
>>
Rolled 9 (1d20)

>>52267899
You were just passing out.
>>
Good morning everyone! Or is it afternoon? Evening was it? Does time exist? I that was fixed, or was it the other incarnation? Oh, yes! Hello! Who are you people?
>>
>>52267837
I know we give him shit and all, but I really do like that guy. brother vanishing aside, I mean. Plus, it's not like it was him personally.

I'm gonna go see if I can't find the rod. And make sure Benny hasn't stolen someone elses shit. In lieu of an immediate paddlin', new guy, I think we can have you take your test of stamina. Drink this brew in one go.

>Hands over a bottle, unlabeled. Red in color, unknown in makeup. The alcohol stanch is powerful.

>Leaves, muttering something about rods, apes, and vaguely ethnic-sounding orcs.
>>
>>52267918

Is is a ghost tapiocamonster? If so, I know a good way to get it into a closet...
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>>52267932
Not ghosts, demons and elementals. Also a cat, but that was on accident.
>>
>>52267923
You just missed the time wizard. Sorry, pal
>>52267918
Also how do I put the tapioca monster back in the closet? Do I make a cream elemental and have him do the work? And conversely what do you want done with all the tapioca filled corpses?
>>
>>52267997
Well, first you're going to need fifteen graham crackers and a bowl of gelatin-- and do whatever with the corpses, I'm fairly certain you can just cast summon elemental on them and they'll just seize control of the body.
>>
>>52268021
I'll get right on that, Also if you hear rhythmic chanting ignore it. It's that's probably just the little bit of the dark lord that's left in the corpses escaping their bodies.
>>
Didn't he whole guild die?
>>
>>52268559
No?
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>>52268559
Temporarily, yes.

I believe the Chronomancers have gotten things mostly fixed now, though complete accuracy was of course impossible - some members of the faculty are indeed no longer with us, and some of our more...posthumous members have returned to the fold.
>>
>>52270196
*Sigh*, I'll get to making another batch of reasurection potions, I need some powdered unicorn horn though. Can somebody get that for me. Fixing Time anomalies is the only guild permitted use of Chronomancy.
>>
>>52270304
>steps out of nearby broom closet, along with three other instances of myself
Did someone say "fixing time anomalies?"
>>
Excuse me, I is this the Mages Guild? I have a couple of orders for this address, including some "magic North Pole Reindeer hooves".
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>>52270407
Don't remember seeing those on the official acquisitions sheet...

Try the Druidic circle two mountains over.
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>>52270407
Go to the receptionist she will be help sort this out she is down the hall to the right, you'll know the room when you see it.
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>>52270304
I think we have some left in cold storage, but you people keep taking things without updating the inventory.
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>>52270444
Maybe... Maybe *Cough, cough* they shouldn't be in the official list*Cough, cough*

Not that I would know, I'm just a hunter/butcher/distributor
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>>52270470
Did you...did you just direct him to the hall of infinite doorways?
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>>52270559
No, the hall of infinite doorways is the second right, I said the first right.
>>52270516
I know it's so annoying, Ihave been meaning to have the system magically update for a while now but the current version I have doesn't work if people keep putting components back in the wrong place.
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>>52270556
Go to the receptionist they exist for sorting out issues like this.
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>>52271114
Wait, is this why the third volume of the ledgers exploded last week?
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>>52272378
Yes, I turned the magical system off after that happened.
>>
Alright, now that the crisis has been averted and we've all been brought back for what I assume is the fiftieth time, I propose we have a meeting about the family of raccoons that I found in one of the ceilings. I'm keeping one of them. It'll make a nice assistant once I improve its intellect.
>>
>>52273002
If you have it adapt to it's new life, increase its intellect gradually, and teach it well, it should not be an issue. What are we doing/did we do with the other raccoons?
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>>52273166
I plan to name him Anselmo.
>The man adjusts his massive hat. A raccoon's claw tugs at his eyebrow, but he doesn't notice.
That is the question then. Maybe you can take one of the four left to test potions?
>>
>>52273228
I don't particularly like animal testing as it can be very unreliable with more complex potions and you get a bunch of shit from druids for harming animals. However, I can probably do something and have it sort/retrieve components or something so I'll take one, preferably a younger one.
>>
>>52273369
Alright--
>He reached up, into his hat, and pulled out a small raccoon.
I should find someone else to pawn off the other three.
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>>52273369
Sir, if you'd care for it, I found more than one golem while I was down in the Archives, I could provide a new test subject outside the bounds of the Druids for Ethical Treatment of Animals' purview.
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>>52275100
No need normally I use extensive physical "scientific" tests to determine the type of potion an unknown one is so I don't need test subjects.
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>>52275638

That is perhaps one of the more ethical and reasonable ways to find an unknown. Are you sure you belong here?
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>>52275912
I don't, I try to keep this place functional and minimize collateral damage. However I did just turn the raccoon I got into a (perfectly ethical) biomechanical creature to assist my personal needs. I also work as an extremely effective assassin for hire and use this place to create poisons and potions to help me.
>>
So it seems a large congregation of paladins are posting concerns about necromancers using undead for farm labor, should I tell them to wait or send them in?
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>>52277069
By the gods, the servants of the gods! Perhaps they could be of service to the Guild in properly disposing the 1-dimensional Dark Lord! They are as trustworthy as anyone in seeing the servants of evil off to some forgotten tomb or wooden puzzlebox somewhere. Incidentally, what are we going to do about the Dark fortress currently above the guild that is currently blocking the sunlight from the Botanical Department's Greenhouses?
>>
>>52277512
>>52277069
Oh, tell those Paladins to stick it. They're about as useful as a fighter with a few holy books pasted to their armor!

And I suppose we can just use the baculum wand thing I made to generate light. It does cause a portal to a dimension made entirely of light, after all.
>>
>>52277069
Send them in, tell them debate will begin after they help defeat the one dimensional dark lord, we can anger them again this month or we will likely be crusaded against and we can't have that.
>>52277512
It's a stone tower correct if so the Geomancers can handle it.
>>
>>52276027

Well, there's nothing wrong with that. Either part of that, though you're speaking to someone who sticks pesky spirits into mops and the like. Perhaps my opinion is should come with salt.

>>52277069

That's bigotry. We can likely make a stink about that.
>>
>>52277874
Very good, milord, I'll have the Chairentitiy of Geomancy get on it, once I figure out whom, she, he, it or otherwise is.
>>52277835
>>52277874
Perhaps it would be wise given the possibility of crusade to accommodate the conclave for now. I'll go to meet them.
>Exits, muttering something about the logistics of providing tea to a full conclave of warriors known for particularity.
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>>52278312
While he's busy, I recall we had discussed earlier a promotion for young Blake. Was there any opposition?
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>>52278427
I believe not.
I believe he finally deserves the rank of Senior Junior Adjunct to the Mages' Guild.
>>
>>52277878
Forgive my rudeness, but you seem to have left Anhondo's Anonymity spell running.

Who are you?
>>
>>52278600
Seconded.
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>>52278600
>>52279031
Then since there are no objections, I promote Junior Adjunct Blake to the rank of Senior Junior Adjunct. Please prepare your party spells for when he comes back.
>>
Along with the paladin issue my master is having issues with a particularly annoying beholder and his spawns, for some reason he keeps luring dragons and mindflayers to our domain and they are causing quite a ruckus.
>>
It took me nearly all day, but I believe ALL of the tapioca is back in the closet. It turns out that each glob of tapioca was it's own being, just be sure to check the inside of every pot before using it.

>>52277069
>>52279270
Why don't you just have elementals puppet the corpses so it's technically not necromancy?
As for the beholder, I find the best way to get rid of a beholder is with more beholders.
>>
>>52279416
It is well known that Elementals are finicky and unreliable, as opposed to undead who are entirely subservient to their master. Not more beholders merely a second one if you have more than two it is far too distructive and one may survive.
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>>52279416
We've tried the elementalsame hosting the bodies trick but it doesn't help, the paladins still see it as a "defiled corpse" there is just no reasoning with them. And as for using another beholder we can try is a summoner available to help?
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>>52279520

Well there was someone who could easily summon a beholder here and I'm not going to name names, but someone turned him into a one dimensional speck.
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>>52279573
If you need help with that my master has a few contacts with gnoll necromancers who could put a word to their master about helping us.
>>
>BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!
SURRENDER YER BOOTY MAGES AND I MIGHT JUST LEAVE YOUR GUILD UNPILLAGED AND ONLY TAKE A FEW OF YOUR WOMEN!
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>>52279764
I can offer 5 skeletons and a living elf head that reads bedtime stories.
>>
>>52279708
Can they do it without any child death? Because I've tried countless times and child death seems to almost inevitable, it's quite troublesome.

>>52279764
Can somebody fetch the brewmaster so he can deal with his cousin?
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>>52279855
..............GIMMIE YER MANA BEFORE I BLAST THIE WHOLE GUILD TA KINGDOM COME!

>>52279968
ARRRRRRRR!
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>>52279968
Our dealings with the gnolls have been on a no questions asked agreement so your guess is as good as mine.
>>52279983
I have a monk tied up in my tower he has some mana.
>>
>>52279416
>>52279968
Good job on getting the tapioca back in.

Now, to deal with the pirate-- he sounds like an orc or something, so I suggest we just create some elven women and toss them out the door. Odds are he'll chase them.
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>>52280091
>>52280067
Hold on we may have a solution to both our problems. All we have to do is get the orc to go near the paladins. Worst case scenario it will only solve one problem.
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>>52280290

What if they team up and we get a paladin orc pirate?
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https://dancingwillowherbs.com/products/water-elemental-tea
>Smiling, pleased with himself
Alright, I managed it, and it required several tins of tea and a full pallet of Scrolls of Summon Water Elemental, the targets of which are very cross but subservient, however I managed to serve tea to the entire conclave, but gods help us if any of them take two lumps in their tea.
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>>52280290
I asked my servant to get a list of all the female paladins that have taken a vow of chastity, he is not giving that list to the pirate and telling him that these women are gifts from us. That should cause some fireworks.
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>>52280290
>>52280472
Geniuses, all of you. Stirmlock, have a raccoon!
>He pulls another raccoon from his hat and hands it over.
Don't spend it all in one place.

>>52280427
Firegut! Congratulations on the promotion to Senior Junior Adjunct to the Mages' Guild!
>>
>>52280516
Damn me forgetting my name.
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>>52280516
Thank you, now that we got that taken care of do we want to revisit the gnolls and them helping us?
>>
The Artificers wing wishes to request a new enchantment alter.
We would use the spare but it blew up along side the main alter.

A spell sword wanted to see what would happen if he used them both at once.
>>
>>52280516
>Overcome
Wh-me?
>>
>>52280791
is the spell sword still in good health?
>>
>>52280845
Listen, it is just as it is to be eventually, probably.
>He hands over a raccoon.
Congratulations on the position, here's a complimentary animal to do with as you please.
>>
I have a major problem involving the possibility of a mass color change spell, and the destruction of a race of talking cacti. I need assistance.
>>
>>52280791
Tell the artificers to not worry, I can simply restore the alters back to when they were brand new. At least I think I can. Is that one of the things I'm allowed to do?

>>52281001
What sort of assistance?

>>52280933
How come I never get any animals? All I get are spells, and those I only get because they are cast at me.
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>>52281001
Well a mass color change spell would be in the hands of transmutation I think, I'll send my servant to drag one out of their heads out of a golem, as for the cacti that's a druid problem.
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>>52281067
>He hands over another raccoon from his hat, and then slams it shut once more.
Well, I needed to get rid of the last one anyway.
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>>52281067
You can but you have to close the temporal loop.
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>>52281067
Anything to destroy the monstrosities. It all started on a ship that i joined that found a boat that seemed derelict. I boarded the ship and searched its cargo to find anything left over when the crew and i discovered a cactus that began to talk. It turns out that there are more of them and i wish to annihilate them. It turns out screaming, jumping onto a table, and devouring it whole isn't effective, and has long term complications. I need an easier way.
>>
>>52280933
I, I am honored - beyond measure.
> Honorary Raccoon bites Blake
YOWWCH -Look at me, I'm crying.
>Raccoon still attached, through grit teeth.
I humbly -ow- accept this -ow- position I have been entrusted with, and this gracious and -ow- aggressive gift.
>>52277874
>>52281001
As my first action as newly promoted Senior Junior Adjunct to the Mages Guild, I humbly request - OW - your assistance, milord.
>>
>>52281212
We might need to find a druid for you as well, I'll get my servant on that as soon as he is back from the transmutation wing.
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>>52281212
>pours green liquid on a rock and smashes it upon the raccoon's head.
Was that good assistance?
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>>52281103
Huzzah! I shall name him Rupert and train him in the magical arts.

>>52281185
Excellent! Where is that intern? I need a large ruby and a goat. Everything else I need I already have with me.

>>52281204
We could put those paladins to work if they are still here. Just tell them that the cacti are demons or something.
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>>52281352
The paladins are dealing with the pirate I think, not sure how that is going someone should go check.
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>>52281337
>Aghast, pointing up to the giant Dark fortress floating above the guild.
I was referring to the tower, not the Shufflecat! Oh, little vicious one, I need a healer!
>>52281261
>Scooping the wounded Trash Tanooki up
Milord, where is the druid?
>>
>>52281352
Has anyone seen the intern since the tower was attacked by the forces of evil?

>>52281387
Can we have a listen first? Because if the orcs winning I don't think anyone wants to see that. Except maybe the man with a strange affinity for animal people
>>
>>52281534
>>52281534
Do you need healing or total reasurection, because healing potions can provide healing, I make sure to always have plenty of them as we need them.
>>
>>52280791

I can make a transfer from a broom in my closet. I have a particularly crafty spirit that might be useful for an altar.
>>
>>52281534
My servant is taking his time, if I was a betting man I would wager the transmutation wing has gotten the better of him. And if the little one is passed I should be able to fully resurrect it myself, or if the paladins are winning we can ask them for assistance.
>>
>>52281534
Oh. Well, here.
>hands over green vial of liquid.
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>>52281582
Here, I'll just pull the intern through time to this moment. Now that I think about it, that's probably what happened to him to begin with.
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>>52281762
While you're at it can you get my servant I fear him lost to the transmutation wing.
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>>52281762
Damn Anonymity spells, I always forget to cast the counter-spell that ends them.
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>>52281657
I have just finished checking on the paladins and I don't think they're going to help anyone for a while...
>>52281732
You're a dangerous and violent maniac, you'll fit right in with my department. (my department which may or may not necessarily exist.)
>>52281534
If worse comes to worse, I can make you a new one.
On a very related note, what does the council vote we do about the imminent increase of the half-orc population?
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>>52281895
Great! I have more rocks and green dye where that last one came from.
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>>52281601
>>52281732
>>52281387
The Paladins! Surely, they'll be of assistance.
>>52281732
>Pockets vial and shoulders Pool Rodent. Exits.
>>
>>52281895
Well that's one problem solved at least. I would like to put a formal request to take the corpses back home, more hands for the fields is always useful.
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>>52281895
>Possessed by the magic of foreshadowing
Wait, why not?
>>52281921
Wait, this is just a vial of dye?!
>>
>>52281996
Its not JUST a vial of dye. Its a special vial of dye! I concocted it to make whatever it covers to be more durable.
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>>52281996
I would suggest the evocation wing look for someone who doesn't look like a pyromaniac and they should know a few healing spells.
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>>52282033
So, it's armored paint?
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>>52282033
What would happen if one tattooed a Barbarian's arm with it?
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>>52283655
The tattoo would be strong. But it comes with a cost. The tattoo would feel heavy. So if you covered yourself in it you would probably be slower. Unless you are as strong as an orc.
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>>52284438
Unless you are as strong as an orc.

Hence my choice of a Barbarian. Unless one of those Muscle Wizard fellows are around...
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>>52284599
Great! Remember, you will be slower, but no worry about it ripping off your skin, it simply makes the area around the tattoo heavy. Applying generously to armor and it will make them more durable. Hence my use of it on the rock to strike the raccoon.
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>>52284645
Remember proper procedure, paint it on don't bludgeon people, or in this case animals, with it.
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>>52287962
I might try to encase my skeletons in it, they could use the extra protection.
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>>52289463
Shouldn't you just use necromatic reinforcement... oh wait they stack.
>>
Ah ha I have done it the raccoon is now a sentient biomechanical organism. Now to teach it what components are what .... that should take a while.
>>
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144 KB GIF
Hey guys! What's up?! Sorry I'm late, I've had bad traffic while trying to get here. What'd I miss?!
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>>52296863

The saddest meeting I've ever seen, actually. Usually we're bustling.
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>>52297213
True, where is everyone?
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>>52297359
>Has fallen asleep and is currently drooling on the minutes.
>>
>>52297359
>>52297402
>in corner stuck in time loop
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>Busts in, carrying many more raccoons, some of which were colorations that even albinos consider unnatural.
I have bad news and worse news! Also some good news!
>>
>>52298392
Ok I have made one mechacoon why not another, I need all the help I can get als please explains yourself.
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>>52298928
Well, I figured that maybe if we had more raccoons, we could train them to put books away and such. Unfortunately, most are not fond of books, so I tried imbuing them with a bit of magic, which resulted in... These.
>He drops them, then opens up his hat. More crazily colored raccoons escape and begin organizing things, only to make a mess and do it again.
>He hands one faintly glowing green raccoon over to Mortimer.
Mine worked out fine, he's back in my study, currently debating the meaning of life with a sentient rock. These just sort of... Came out weird.
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>>52299008
Mine is doing just fine at sorting components, but they like that sort of thing I guess, although it was slightly difficult to teach him to not eat the edible ones. Thanks for a second minion. Given enough time I think I can adjust one to sorting books, although it will take far longer to do than it did for the first mechacoon here. However, this new one seems like it will adapt quickly to alchemy. I will ask for another in about 3 hours.
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>>52299443
All fine by me, it's not like there's a shortage of the little fellows.
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>>52299008
I have stripped mine of all skin and now have it forging for components and food outside my tower.

>>52299443
You don't have to worry about it eating food if it doesn't have a stomach.
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>>52301200
True but taste is useful to help identify components maks it easier to reward and I want to teach it alchemy so sentience is a must.
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>>52301721
With time and research you could give the undead sentience, my master has dabbled in it a bit but it didn't end well luckily a lich owed us a favor and took care of the problem. Oh and one time we tried creating a cleric/paladin proof skeleton. it worked but it gained sentience due to the nature of the process. Funny enough he joined up as an assistant he is the fourth if I remember correctly.




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