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I've been lurking /tg/ for a while and never had much to contribute, but now I've gotten myself into a mess that is worth telling. It's ongoing and hasn't gone to complete shit yet, but it's an ever evolving roller coaster.

To preface this, the town I live in is small as hell, and everything gaming revolves around a store that opened about two years ago and is run by the most repulsive elitist type people imaginable. I respect people who get into their games deeply and invest a lot of time and resources, to each their own, but those store owners are a new level of it, and are pretentious to boot. I digress.

The kids from my high school who game were the first generation of people to take up the store's offers, and started having designated days for DnD, MTG, etc. The majority of them also hate my guts for childish reasons, but that's a different story. Suffice to say, the majority of people like me who play games wish I would fucking off myself. Tl;dr version, I have nowhere to play any type of game I enjoy, because what little community we have has ousted me and spread false rumors about me to ensure I don't get involved in their circle jerk.

Don't worry, though, this isn't a pity party, you just need context to appreciate what happens to me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago at the start of my next semester of college. Until then, I had resigned myself to playing online versions of the games I enjoy, at least until I can move away from this town and find a bigger place with a more open community I can join. It is at this time, just as I'm settling into routine, that I get a strange and unprecedented message from That Guy #1. He claims he has joined a local DnD group independent of the shop that usually hosts sessions, and wants to add me.

Bear with me, you're getting to the real events, and the actual game sessions as well. I'll keep writing up until the end of the first session, unless more is wanted. Pic is related, you'll see why.
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>>62438359
Eh, most people who talk with your tone get nat20shit and reposted on reddit, but i am mildly interested. Continue
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>start a game of pathfinder at my local game stop
>human rogue for me, various others that come and go
>first quest is to travel to this underwater city, get to edge of our boat.
“Dm, how do we breath?”
>instead of a water breathing potion or something we have nothing, ready to turn about when the warlock and Druid finish whispering, Druid summons a pod of dolphins over, warlock slots our throats and puts our souls/minds within the dolphins and we go down
>explore the city and find the ancient chest, it’s locked so we unlock it with a +20 difficulty check because of flippers.
>make it to the boat and get restored to our bodies, and it back to land and to the noble who hired us to find the documents.
>very happy that we did well, lays us and releases the wolves.
>fight through 10 wolves and a bandit chief before making to the kitchen, see the daughter sitting there.
>edge.lrd dhampir uses his scythe to behead her and warlock animates her head to use as a hostage
>noble died from a random dragon attack so we now have this useless talkin*head of a girl.
>head is screaming that we either give her a body or sever her boyfriends head and make him like her.
This was over 4 sessions.
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Now, That Guy #1 is actually pretty cool as That Guys go. He's not overly cringey, only lacks a filter sometimes and makes racist jokes pretty regularly. That will come into play later, which is what makes him That Guy #1, so keep the racism in mind.

The fact that he asked me to join a DnD session was the first big red flag. I haven't seen him since high school and figured he was in on the rumors about me being the problem person in the gaming community. Who was left in my town that would want me in a party that he knew?

As it turns out, nobody. When I asked who was in the party, he named two people who both hate my fucking guts like no tomorrow. They were the pinnacle of "go fuck yourself" in high school. One was a foreign student from Africa, who accused me of stealing a notebook from him that I never saw, and was convinced he didn't have to begin with. The other was a guy who made school shooting jokes regularly to sound edgy and funny, and got put on a watch list and sent to counseling by the high school as a result. He was the type who hated you if you weren't sucking his dick, so since I have a shred of dignity and didn't worship him, he wanted nothing to do with me.

Unfortunately for me, That Guy #1 had actually persuaded the two that I wasn't as bad as they thought, and said I had the green light to join the party as a favor from him. At this point, I would be an asshole if I didn't join, because there was someone who didn't know me and a good friend of mine also in the party who expected me to come to the next session. Cornered and being judged based on my next decision, I reasoned that since I hadn't had a group to play DnD with in a while, I would go for a few sessions. Worst case scenario, I would bail if the two who hated me decided to start fucking with me. I agreed to go, and was told the next session would be on Friday.
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>>62438454
That sounds like a fantastic plot start that quickly went to hell because of shenanigans. I've experienced plenty of those types of sessions myself, but that's not the story I'm telling today. Maybe some other time.

Fast forward to the Friday when the party agrees to meet up. Let this be the moral of the story: read the fine print. I did not, and was subject to two immediate problems with agreeing to be in the party. The first problem was I volunteered unknowingly to drive That Guys #1 and #2 to the session, in my truck that only seats one additional person. In addition, since I left my place first to be reasonably on time and not a latefag, I was sent to fetch the pizza for the session.

That Guy #2 is so much of a stereotypical That Guy that even the first Guy agrees he's pretty unbearable. That Guy #2 is a couch surfer right now, and managed to get himself fired from his Walmart job because of his immaturity. He also shrugs off our "suggestions" that he should shower, and often tries to show up to meetings with no shirt on the grounds that he "can't find one."

OP's luck is not the greatest, so he was the one crammed up against me while I drove.

After running late because of pizza and Those Guys, I finally was told to drive to where the party would meet. Lo and behold, the second problem arises: the session will be held at the African guy's house, who hates my guts. I am directed there more by my knowledge of the town than Those Guys, who can't tell directions for shit. Upon arrival, I am thrust the pizzas and drinks, as if I hadn't already been the courier.

inb4 this is called out as a New Vegas joke. Don't worry, there will be no Big Iron punchline, although even Obsidian's game makes a cameo.
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Now, as part of agreeing to join the session, I brought my phone to use as both an emergency excuse to leave if shit hit the fan, and as my character sheet. Because I lurk multiple boards regularly, I came up with the unoriginal and (in hindsight) cringey idea to roll a wood elf ranger named Wojack. As it turns out, pic related from earlier is the only half joking character brought to the session, and everyone else has some aspect of grimdark in their characters. In addition, after some time passed, I realized that I was the only one who had actually been to a DnD session before. I'm sure those of you reading have stopped keeping track of the sheer number of red flags by now.

Once in African dude's house, I silently celebrate when I hear edgy guy won't show because he's working that day. I then silently wish I blew my brains out with a .44 magnum when I hear African Dude is DM. OP's luck is subpar again, and /k/ doesn't save me that day.

The party sits down, and I quickly pick up on the specific characters. Both That Guy #1, henceforth known as "That Jew" for convenience (he frequently makes racist jokes against himself), and My Good Friend (MGF), have rolled similar stats. Both opted for high charisma and high dex, but That Jew is using a tiefling warlock that is rendered all but useless as a result. MGF is using a generic rogue type character who frequents the higher numbers of his d20. That Guy #2 is using a homebrew bird man race that I am convinced is a reference to Rick and Morty. He is also our party cleric, and has no useful stats other than his autist level strength. The guy who doesn't know me, who we'll call Bison, won't say the full details of his character, only that his nickname is "Cumstain Mike", and that he uses illusion magic.

I'll spare you guys an actual greentext because we'll be here forever, and I promised only the first session to begin with.
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The session begins set in a bandit stronghold, where the party has disguised themselves to infiltrate the ranks. Metagaming tells me the party is chasing a wizard that is practicing some kind of magic within the bandit gang. Compared to the typical "everyone is at an inn" story beginning, which they had already gone through, I was pleasantly surprised at how the plot was beginning. However, Wojack the ranger was not yet introduced, so I spectated for roughly two hours.

The gist of the two hours was that the party spent a full day disguised as bandits, and instead of looking for the wizard they somehow fell into the same routine as the bandits. The DM gave them multiple hints to go snoop around, but I was the only one even listening for those hints, and the party went to go eat with the bandits at dinner instead. Thus, African DM sighed, and came up with an interesting introduction for Wojack and another unlikely character.

Wojack, alongside another tiefling warlock, was first brought into the picture by being marched into the mess hall in cuffs. He was a prisoner of the bandits from before the party arrived, and served as entertainment during some meals. The tiefling warlock was a new character who had just been captured, and actually was That Jew's second character with more appropriate stats for his role. Both were circled by the mess hall tables, and told by the bandit leader that they were to be given their freedom if they won a fight against one of the strongest bandits.

Enter the Boulder, a ripoff of Gregor Clegane from Game of Thrones, who had been created for one appearance: a 1 on 2 boxing match with Wojack and the tiefling. With no gear and magic restricting collars on the characters, Wojack and the tiefling were tasked with knocking the Boulder unconscious.
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The boxing match was a clusterfuck from the start, as That Jew kept failing rolls while Wojack landed the first hit solidly only to miss several following punches. One such failed roll from That Jew was a dex save to prevent his tiefling from being ragdolled. This resulted in the tiefling hitting the side of the ring, only to have him intentionally knocked out by Goat the new guy's character, because Cumstain Mike was racist towards tieflings, just like the bandits he was trying to disguise as. Wojack was left alone to fight the Boulder, and glassed him with a stein from a dinner table. Victorious by only one health, Wojack was given a hot meal and sent back to his cell once dinner finished.

The party, however, didn't seem to take the hint that they should rescue the two new PCs, and instead opted to SLEEP in the bandit stronghold. Whether they were autistic or intentionally were passing off as bandits too much, OP will never know, but African DM sighed again and introduced a nameless child NPC who was a stellar lockpick. He broke out Wojack and the new tiefling and already became more useful than the party. In addition, he helped remove the magic restricting collars, so Wojack and the new tiefling were loose in the bandit stronghold.

Around this time, the character rolled up by the edgy school shooter kid was used by African DM. He was a dragonborn warrior, and came riding to the stronghold on the back of an actual dragon, and set fire to the place causing mass chaos. Brilliant logic followed, where he immediately disappeared and the dragon left, leaving the party and Wojack's duo to deal with the bandits.
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Wojack and the new tiefling somehow manage to loot the armory unnoticed, taking the gear that was on their sheets to begin with. At the same time, the party has begun the stereotypical killing spree. They steer toward the armory after African DM has to tell them outright that they need to meet up with Wojack's duo, and are greeted by the bandit leader who conveniently only beheads That Jew's old warlock. Followed by four other bandits, he and his backup proceed to wreck our shit, as they all conveniently have additional strikes because of "the bandit leader's charisma inspiring them to fight harder". Then, the bandit leader runs away, not because Wojack can hit things with his longbow, but because "he has something he has to take care of".

OP is wishing /k/ had helped him at the start of this, because African DM has now begun his overly controlling reign over the campaign.

That's roughly where the first session ends, and not much of interest followed. It's been about four sessions since I agreed to join, but I'm still hesitant about the whole thing, because the edgy school shooter kid still hasn't rejoined us since he's working. Wojack has fended for himself the majority of the time, and I have a small hook in his backstory written so that if Wojack suddenly needs to leave the party, it's not plot breaking. In addition, That Guy #2 has bailed twice, leaving the party to carry his dead weight even more through the past few fights.

If anyone's interested, I'll pick up from the first session and tell the brief story of how Wojack became an owner of the magical moose statue named Boglin. And, like I said, this game is still going, so unless we stop playing because the party stops showing there'll be more cringe and events to ask about.
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>>62439350

Stop posting
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Most of this would fit perfectly into Paranoia game. Killing buddies to complete the mission, troubleshooters infiltrating commies to the point they become commies. Your That Guys even seem to not have problem with loosing their characters, you should run it.
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>>62438454
oldpasta is old





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