Yesterday, my dad died. He was far from perfect, but he was a huge part of my life and I've never lost a parent before. My dad and I weren't exactly on good terms when he died. He avoided me, and I avoided him. Growing up, My dad had huge anger issues and he would always take it out on me as a kid. The minute anyone came in the door though, he did a 180 and his mood changed. He was a bully, but he didn't think he was. It was always an act of defense according to him. I spent a lot of my life trying to make my dad happy, trying to help him with whatever problems he was dealing with mentally. I was a kid, I didn't know there was nothing I could do. I just wanted my family to be whole again. I wanted to stop being terrified of even being near my dad sometimes. I did a lot of things for him, I took him to a lot of places. I won't get into it here unless someone asks. Besides all the mental baggage, All the things that were left unsaid, The relationship I desperately wanted to patch up but never seemed to be able to, it's the shock in the loss that get to me. That and the what ifs. I should have been more brave. I should have confronted him more, I should have told him how I felt. Because now that he's dead, there's so much I wish I could have said. But I always thought he was going to be there. It's like some part of me just thought he was going to be there forever. idk why. Having to see all the places where he was and seeing that he's not there. Thinking about his voice and how I'll never be able to hear it again or talk to him again. I listen to old voicemails he left me and they warm me up but kill me when I realize once again that he's gone. I don't know how I'm going to get over this. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I want to do things with him. I always have. But now... I can't believe it took this to make me realize just how much he mattered to me. If this never happened I probably still be avoiding him, and I'd never know. How do I cope?
>>32581599>Growing up, My dad had huge anger issues and he would always take it out on me as a kid. The minute anyone came in the door though, he did a 180 and his mood changedThis is not a man worthy of respect. If your child is misbehaving, you should not change because there's people over. Your father had manipulative female tendencies and you shouldn't remember him fondly. Instead focus on changing your life so you don't admire people that do that or you will end up tolerating a horrible wife because it reminds you of childhood comfiness
>>32581620NTA but this guy has a point. I'm sorry for your loss OP, but the guy was a manipulator at best and abusive at worst. Taking out your own personal issues on children who don't know any better isn't the mark of a good person. I know it's hard, and if anything a bit cliché, but the sooner you accept that he's gone and the sooner you move on the easier it will be. The more you attach yourself to something you know you'll never get, the harder it'll be once you finally let go. The guy may have been dealing with a lot of issues but he shouldn't have been taking it out on his child, and worse, covering it up. I'm sorry OP but the best thing is to move on. Your life doesn't revolve around him, and don't let your mind attach itself to the point where you think that's the case. Good luck OP. God bless.
>>32581599Sorry for your loss, OP. I relate to it all too well. Lost my mom couple years back. She wasn’t like your father. My father is like yours. But all the same, I know what it’s like to have a chasm of dysfunction separating my love from their love. When I watched my mom die, knowing that reconciliation had not been achieved, it killed me. It felt as though I hadn’t just lost my mom, I lost a relationship to her that could have been possible, but now never can. My father grows ill now too, and I still haven’t been able to mend the father-son relationship to him. I’m also scared of losing that chance again. With my dad it’s even harder because, like your dad, he had anger issues. So I get where you’re coming from, it’s hard brother. Remember though, you are not responsible for all of this. That isn’t to say you shouldn’t care or have heart for your father, you should, and you do, but.. man, he was your father. That bond was for him to repair, to instill, and to build. That is how fathers, father. It should not be the son. This is why dysfunction is painful between family, it twists and reverses things a bit. Makes it all harder and warped. Now you inherit pain and grief, you are your father’s son. And you carry his cross. You can understand that he was a man who had tried, failed, and tried and failed and tried, he was imperfect, same as you, as me, as anyone. To cope, you make him proud by finishing what he started in his honor. Be the best father you can one day.
>>32581599I can relate, Anon. Sounds very similar to my father.He is still alive. But he is miserable and wants to be miserable, although he would have all the means to not be, including material wealth and help from his children with whatever despite all the damage he's done to all of us mentally. And I don't know what to do. It makes me sad. It's like he's dead, but he's still alive, and I have to feel guilty for no reason as long as he is alive.If he died now I would feel similar to what you described.
>>32581599Is it illness that took him? Did you try to reconcile during this time? Was he receptive?
>>32581620I'll try. My issue, is attachment. Can't help it, I spent ~25 years of my life constantly around him. I did all kinds of efforts to understand his pain and how he came to be. He always had a victim complex, so as a kid I probably fell for that hard. I cared very deeply about him. Even knowing the kind of man he was, I still miss him, mainly because it's like a huge aspect of my life has just been removed. He wasn't all bad, he could hold up a good conversation every now and then. I'm more ashamed of myself for not confronting him about what you just said though. I waited and waited. >>32581639Thank you. I'm having a hard time letting go, but I have to learn how. Maybe I never confronted him because I didn't want that finality, I didn't want to let go. idk why. >>32581646I'm so sorry to hear that. This past week, I've been more alive and aware than I've ever been, thanks to this event. I had to be the parent to my parents quite a bit growing up, so I also understand where you're coming from a bit. It's not my fault, I did a lot of shit for him. I tried my best. Maybe I didn't have that ultimate confrontation, but at the end of the day, I went way over what I ever had to do, which ultimately was absolutely nothing since this was all his responsibility. I saw how bad things were though and I hated it growing up, and I hated how helpless I felt to change that. So I tried anything I could. Played right into their hands. My dad dealt with a lot of guilt and grief. Had was an orphan, with a rough childhood. Some of his last words to me were how he didn't understand how he couldn't let go of all the guilt he felt, the guilt his mom pushed onto him. The same guilt he pushed onto me. Kills me, wondering what could have been, if i continued that conversation. But it's too late now. I hate that. All I can do is exactly what you said, make new relationships, live. Make him proud. Stop the cycle of abuse.
>>32581708He had a stroke. A bilateral stroke. He had one a month ago, he was supposed to be taking his meds. His pill bottles were full. I never really directly confronted him. Whenever he and I crossed paths, it was usually not a problem but there are a few times where I tried to sit boundaries and he would act like I just sent him off to the woods to die. He'd say things like how he had no friends and nobody was on his side. Nobody expected him to have this stroke. We all thought that he was taking his meds and doing just fine. he had some seizure problems for the past 3 years, He's been going through a lot of depression as well these past 3 years. I didn't even think about it. Didn't even phase me, my dad was never happy. Nothing seemed different. The moment this happened, it was like a burst of clarity. I spent a lot of my life trying to help him. In direct ways and indirect ways. Nothing really worked. He wouldn't go to a counselor, he expressed guilt for his actions but he never actually acted on that guilt. Even as a little kid he'd tell me that he was a disappointment, that he wouldn't be like the other dads. That he was constantly falling short. But he never acted on it. I think he felt powerless. I've done a lot of thinking about it and I could rationalize it and psychologize it to all hell, but at the end of the day, nothing changed. >>32581699Sorry to hear that. My dad has absolutely no material wealth. What little material wealth he did have he usually spent on weed, porn, and junk food. Oh, and maybe car parts.
>>32581722>All I can do is exactly what you said, make new relationships, live. Make him proud. Stop the cycle of abuse.That’s right. It’s an undertaking that not many will understand either. To love an abusive parent from the outset looks like madness, and perhaps some of it is. But you know the blood of your family, you know where and how it had been poisoned, either from within or by circumstances. My dad also had an abusive childhood growing up, alcoholic war traumatised grandad, devouring mother. Had to go homeless as a kid when grandad spent all the rent money on booze. He also got bullied a lot, lived in poverty. That is how abuse and trauma operates, it’s a heritable disease of the soul, a monster that suffocates and pulls things apart, convincing the sufferer that they are the hero only to puppet them into doing more wickedness. So that it can reproduce, passing down onto kids. That’s the battle you’re in, the war your father was in. He fell down, may he rest in peace. Now you pick up his sword, and you finish this thing, for you, for him, for his father, you stand and fight. I do not know or your father, but I am certain that in the places he did not speak of inside of him, he put up a fight. My father did, my mother did. Abusive and toxic as it all was. That is why they had children, for the hope of peace, to know love and live better. They tried, as your father most likely did. As angry as I at my own father, I count his efforts now. My cousins are worse off. Most of them dead from drugs. His brothers and sisters and their children did not fare well. Of all his siblings, my father and mother got the closest to the finish line to end the trauma cycle. Perhaps your father did too i do not know. But now you bear the torch, and you make it to that finish line. Stay strong.
>>32581750I see, so it was a surprise rather than a thing you could prepare for. I’m very sorry for your loss, anon. Do you have faith? I can offer a prayer for your Father’s soul. When it comes to complicated relationships with our parents, I think forgiveness is all that matters. Forgive your Father for not being a good parent and try to live your life by doing better. If one day you will become a dad, you won’t repeat your Father’s mistakes and the resentment won’t grow.Instead of that try to find warm memories and cherish them. Make a little tradition of memory of your dad, like having his favourite beer in his favourite pub, and don’t let the bad things outlive the good ones.
>>32581791Thank you for the pep talk, it's very inspiring and needed. I've been surrounded by women all day, mom especially. She's a mess. I remember my mission, and I remember what matters. A big piece of innocence I had, I think, died with him. because I always thought he'd be there. Maybe that's the push I needed. A little ashamed it took this perhaps, but so be it. Now is better than later. >I do not know or your father, but I am certain that in the places he did not speak of inside of him, he put up a fight.And that's the part of him I loved. i tried to see the virtues he had, despite his vices. Which was hard, to say the least, especially with the victim complex. I mourn for his loss, because I know that part of him has fallen, and I was helpless to stop it. Thank you. I'm going to honor his memory, and maybe that will let me move on, and stop crumbling every time I see the voids he used to fill in my life.
My sincerest condolences to you. You're probably in for quite a shit-show in the next weeks and months, dealing with the grief, but you seem able to manage that better than most people visiting this place.Also, I like this post very much: >>32581791
>>32581828>Thank you for the pep talk, it's very inspiring and needed. I've been surrounded by women all day, mom especially.Yep, I felt that. Good, you know what strengthens you. Brotherhood. I am certain you and I both understand that was what we need and lacked, masculine encouragement, guidance, love of a father. That’s why you embodied it, to give to yourself that your father could not. I see it in you brother and I respect it. It’s okay to crumble. Just be sure after each rebuild, you steal a few more bricks than you had started with from the abyss. Cheat the devil, laugh in his face, and grow beyond and out of the pits of Hell. God bless you and may He give your father rest, and for you, resplendent strength.
>>32581825I'd deeply appreciate that. I do indeed have faith, as did my father. Thank you very much, really. He was on life support for almost a week. I sat there longer than anyone, just staring at him. He was unresponsive the entire time. I broke down, and told him I forgave him, and I saw his inner struggles, even if I never spoke of them openly. The words just came out of my mouth, almost involuntarily it seemed. I felt this release though, when I did. Just a little. I need to remember what you said, about resentment, because I had a lot of that for him. and it's easy to forget he's human. Especially when he's my dad. Need to transmute that hatred and resentment into something else. I will honor his memory. I told him that to, among other things. >>32581861Thank you. I've been trying to deal with my relationship with my parents for a while, I had plans to confront the both of them once I was ready and confident, but it's too late for that. This event made me realize though that i was bullshitting myself. I never needed a plan, I didn't need to figure it all out beforehand for them. I need to come as I was, and tell them how I honestly felt, and have the balls to stand up for myself. If I did, that, things would have been awfully different. Some lessons I suppose, cost more dearly than others.
>>32581864Thank you for that honor. I tried my best to do what my dad couldn't or simply didn't, but I was a kid, and I had no idea just how big those shoes were, when I said I'd fill them. > It’s okay to crumble. Just be sure after each rebuild, you steal a few more bricks than you had started with from the abyss. Cheat the devil, laugh in his face, and grow beyond and out of the pits of Hell.Thank you again. I'm going to take those bricks, I'm going to learn and I'm going to use what I have, I'm going to make it count. He will be my reason in part. I won't forget him, and I won't lose him or discard him altogether like yesterday's trash. I don't think I really appreciated life so much until this happened. I hope that appreciation doesn't fade away after all this. Thank again brother
>>32581897>If I did, that, things would have been awfully different. Some lessons I suppose, cost more dearly than others.You seem to deal with it in a pretty healthy way...so far. In the end, what is done is done. Learn from it. Feel bad about it for a while, that's fine and how we deal with loss, but then you have to move on. A lot of people around here struggle immensely with that. Then they get "blackpilled" and other self sabotaging shit that only drags them down.Don't be that guy.
>>32581620Are you insane? This is not what you say
>>32582239I'll try.I think the heavy emotional baggage has been mostly dealt with thanks to many anons here. All that's left is getting used to him not being there. It's going to take a while. My dad wasn't a pleasant person to be around, but he had his moments, and he played a big part in my life up until now. I keep coming across questions I'd ask him, conversations only we could have but no longer will, small things. Perhaps this is my queue to meet new people and expand my life with new life. I'll honor his memory, to start I'll pick up a couple old habits of his, like drinking tea. Kind of ashamed I wasn't showing this kind of interest in his life sooner, but even when he was alive, if you showed interest in him, he rarely reciprocated.Many times, he'd just ignore you or pretend like you didn't say anything. I don't think he ever considered himself consciously as worthy of attention or interest from anyone. The more he got depressed, the more he'd just sit in his chair, and I'd say something to him, and he wouldn't even register it. It was sad. That's who he was though. i wish things were different, but they weren't. It's a shame. A tragedy, really. Everyone has something to offer, however small. >>32582873I understand why you might feel like that anon is being unreasonable, but desu I think he very competently (based on limited info even) pointed out what I already knew but almost forgot, that my dad was exactly how he described. The only caveat I'd add, was that I was rarely misbehaving per say. I was making the kinds of mistakes all kids make. I was spilling stuff, asking stupid questions, push boundaries occasionally, My dad snapped for the simplest of reasons. I interpreted his post as reminding me to discern between dishonorable/viceful, abusive behavior, and virtuous/honorable ones.
I have this fear now, still based on regret. My dad had abandonment issues, since he was an orphan. I remember a time when my dad tried to reach out to me in real ways. He'd put his hand on my shoulder during dinner. He'd hang out in the room next to mine watching tv and inviting me to join him even. I always rejected him. Out of blind fear, because that's what I always assumed of him. I always assumed the worst, because that's the behavior he exhibited when I was a kid. My coping mechanism, was to avoid him or do whatever I needed to, to make him happy. I'm worried now for probably some stupid reason, that my dad in some moment of clarity, tried to be vulnerable around me and bond with me, only to be soundly rejected and have that old fear of his kick in, and with his son no less... I know it's his own fault, but the idea that we were both caught in these coping mechanisms we learned, both trying to reach each other, but failing due to a misunderstanding, kills me. It's just so tragic. Neither of us could have known. But I wish we did. if it's true. I think back on those moments now and wish I had the insight to not react as harshly as I did.
>>32581599I'm sorry. Honestly, I recommend finding a grief group. They can work wonders for those going through tough times.
>>32584164I'll consider it, thanks. Getting over his absence and finding a way to remember him are what's important to me most now. I'm a little bit afraid all forget him sometimes. Even when he was alive he wasn't exactly a big part of my life, we didn't see each other everyday. I hope I don't lose him in all the noise and pointless bullshit. Maybe I'm just afraid of letting go. Idk.
>>32586340You’ll never forget, that’s not a possibility. You only need to look in the mirror. You are 50% your father.
>>32581599Sorry for your loss. I can't imagine from what you've written that you would be happy at anyone dying let alone your own dad.When I was a kid my dad would get angry at me constantly in a way he never did my other siblings despite however much I sought affection from him he would beat me up, shut cigarettes on my skin and generally act like the worst bully to his own son. One day my sisters were gathered up and he was laughing about how he was gonna kill me making my respond "nope" when asking if they would be sad when I die and saying they would laugh. We will see who's laughing when you're 6ft under old man.
