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Hey, just wondering if other skiddles here have issues with disassociation. Meaning: spacing out, mental drift, feeling outside ones body or foggy headed when stressed out.

It was pointed out by my partner that I do this a lot, I seem distracted or like I’m ignoring an argument but I literally lose track of the conversation like a switch flipped and I was just... gone.

I’m pretty sure it started as a kid, my parents used to have real intense fights, I legitimately thought my father killed my mother once. My partner gave me a, “duh, maybe because of that shit,” conversation.

Anyone else experience this crap?
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>>10853995
Dissociation is common with dysphoria. Abuse also often turn one dissociative, namely from narcissistic parents. You got it on two fronts.
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>>10853995
also have a lot of intense disassociation episodes due to ctpsd trauma
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I've always had an issue of being in my own world but I'm not sure if that is dissociation. People could be talking to me but I don't notice them and family have told me that this has been a thing since I was little.
I did feel very disjointed later on in life though, like this wasn't my own body but it was still moving or that the world I see isn't real.
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>>10854079
I didn’t recognize it as disassociation either.... feels weird to consider it as such.

>>10854028
Yeah. My folks weird more negligent toward me than abusive. They’re just like children that had kids, busy with their own shit. Considering I’m now they age they were when that crap was going down is an odd thought, too.
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>>10854042
>>10853995
>>10854128
sameish. i was semi-diagnosed with it this past year. that whole not in the billable DSM list yet but after working with a therapist for a long time she was confident i had it and reading about it a lot of things it makes sense with my past and the ways i am.
was confusing to kind of untwist it from GD and put a whole lot of doubt into me for a time like what if i'm just running away from this sad boy.
funny that i knew what dissociation was but until describing it to her and asking wtf it was i never really thought about having it. i really liked the description of it Nevada when she's talking about how you sometimes just unplug during a conversation and it's really important but you can't quite process what's happening all the way, wishing you had some kind of tape recorder because it's all going to be this blur when you come back.

still a little uncomfortable thinking of it as abuse and neglect, not wanting to be some victim, but it's important to remember they still loved me and were just doing the best they could even if it wasn't always good.
my biggest regret is wondering how things might have been different if things hadn't happened the way they did and i wasn't so emotionally disconnected maybe i could have actually processed trans things when they were first starting to get really bad and gotten help.
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>>10854042
hi me, how's it going?
tried to deny my diagnosis for a while but it didn't work. then I tried meds and those didn't work either. god I hate my brain.
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>>10853995
Yeah I get this but not as much as others here. I think mine comes a little from childhood, when my mom would yell and get angry a lot. I felt like I couldn't talk to her or share my feelings so I kept a lot bottled up otherwise it would make her more angry, and I still feel that way honestly. Though she's realized it and gotten much much better as a parent and a person.

Recently I've been getting it I think because of the skittles. This depresses me because it may mean I'm not trans. But I'm one of those few anons that gets pressure headaches and acts like a little kid all the time.

It's so stupid, when I go to target and walk by the toys aisle I want to get the little girl toys and play with them and play princess and stuff. I seriously am like a child in a 22yo body, until I get to my male personality again then I'm a depressed and angry person.
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>>10855736 (me)
>>10854911
Wow I really connect with some of the things you're saying.
>what if I'm just running away from this sad boy
Yeah I get that 100% I get the feeling what if I hate myself and am running away from that person by being a girl.
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>>10853995
Yes. Normally when I'm outside the house. When I am walking and become aware of my male gait while walking about or thinking about people seeing me as a male (pre HRT) i start to obsess on it I totally disassociate until i can escape.
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>>10855736
>want to get the little girl toys and play with them and play princess and stuff.
why don't you try that? It could be that you want to catch up for the childhood you didn't get a chance to have, and this might be a way to process that.
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Yes, same. I apparently witnessed my dad beat and attempt to rape my mom as a kid until the police were called, but I don't remember it. Parental abuse, paternal abandonment, bullying, etc. Then the wrong puberty, which would have been enough to be traumatic. Zoning out was the only way I could cope with a shower or a parent saying I wished they were dead. Now I'm dissociated all the time.
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>>10853995
I spent most my of 16 to 20 in a constant state of anxious disassociation. I’ve lost jobs because of it
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>>10853995
yes ive been in therapy for it combined with depression, anxiety, and dysphoria for over 5 years. the only thing that has helped me is exercise, transitioning, and weed but sometimes i still lose time severely
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>>10857859
never had an opportunity to ask someone with time loss what that is like. like a drive you don't really remember? you know it happened and you know you drove this route but it's just gone other than a vague memory? like it happened to someone else?
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>>10857859
>>10857878
oops, or is it just straight up gone and you're wondering what you did for x hours or ended up at y?
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>>10857893

I'm >>10857808, not >>10857859, but I also lose time. It can be either. It can be a slow blink in and realizing the last 10 hours are gone and it's dark and you were just in the kitchen not your bed, and sometimes the memories will trickle back in in pieces over time, or being vaguely aware of what you did but it all seems like it happened to someone else and you only just started being here, but you pretty much know what happened.
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>>10857859
weed is the best desu, maybe I should try exercising more
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>>10853995
I used to do this all the time, but I didn't know it was disassociation. I remember during collage (UK) I kept getting this feeling like everything was fake, it felt like I was half a meter behind my own head, just watching my life unfold. It was like watching a boring movie where nothing could impact me because it wasn't real.

These days I don't get that feeling much, but I am often in my own little world. I design toys in my head so I'm doing a lot of math etc to make sure everything would fit together but I hadn't given much thought as to what I must look like to others when I do it. My other half always asks if I'm ok because I look like I'v either very angry or just witnessed some traumatic event but I'm just thinkin' real hard.

As weird as it sounds, I didn't realize I was tall or thin for a long time, not until after collage. In school I was the shortest kid around, and through collage and uni I felt like I wasn't in my own head a lot. It took someone explicitly pointing out I was taller than them, and standing next to me in a mirror to make me realize in that time I had grown because I dissociated and avoided my reflection for so long.
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>>10857800
Yeah I think that's part of it, but I also think something else is going on. Like I like to walk around my backyard and look at things and keep saying wierd noises nonstop because its fun and skip around. I think it's like a personality state that helps me escape from the world and my issues. I don't really know. I'm just so childlike often I really do feel like a little kid.

I haven't really considered actually doing it, but maybe I will. I did get a bunch of like shopkins and numnoms but those are like collectible stuffed animals and I have a thing for collections and stuffed animals lol. I never got an actual toy but at the time it was the beginning of my mental descent. It might be good for me though to try that out, I just feel like such a freak ya know. Like I imagine walking into someone my age's room who would have little girl toys everywhere and being like what the fuck. But I do get excited when I type out "little girl toys" and I think of like pic related so maybe one or two toys to have fun and play imagination with...I'm kinda crying now cause I realize how messed up I am. Fuck
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>>10858036
It's okay, anon. I act like an adolescent boy with my partner sometimes because those years were so fucked up and twisted up with jealousy and shame for me.

Just do your thing that makes you feel good. Life's hard enough as it is.
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>>10858036
>Like I like to walk around my backyard and look at things and keep saying wierd noises nonstop because its fun and skip around. I think it's like a personality state that helps me escape from the world and my issues. I don't really know. I'm just so childlike often I really do feel like a little kid.
could very well be that you haven't had the time to get bored of that stuff, or that you just prefer being silly - go nuts in private, and with the right company you can even go a bit silly around people without going too cringe

>I just feel like such a freak ya know.
well you're just trying it out as a potential treatment for whatever is causing the feeling

>Like I imagine walking into someone my age's room who would have little girl toys everywhere and being like what the fuck.
keep em properly private, I suppose

>I'm kinda crying now cause I realize how messed up I am. Fuck
sorry to hear that, anon. It's probably normal given what you've lived through, and it doesn't have to be bad as long as it doesn't interfere with your day to day living. Plus you can gradually work on these things.
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>>10857878
>>10857893
like >>10857908 said its more of a blink and the day has passed or more than 2 hours have passed and you were staring at a wall. a few times ive had people tell me ive done/talked to them when i have no recollection of doing so.
>>10857919
just walks are enough or dancing alone is enough to get your body engaged with your brain
dysphoria gave me most dissociation because connecting to my body was so hard and uncomfortable that leaving reality altogether must have been easier. :/ i also have experienced a few intensely stressful events and family issues that have led to this. mental illness is also genetic for me
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>>10858095
done things* or talked to them
i do not consider momentarily zoning out to be dissociation, although i experience that like everyone else
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>>10858077
thanks anon. I hope you're able to recover from your stuff too.

>>10858081
Yeah I do prefer being silly honestly. It's wierd cause as a kid I was more...matured? than others, from a very young age. But I was always in my head and missed out on so many things because of what I looked like doing them or whatever.

Luckily (I guess? Idk I'm missing out on life) I dropped out again from school and live at home with my family cause they know how bad it is (OCD, this and more) and no one really is coming over anytime soon so I'm properly alone enough to play without worry of others. It's just a mental thing to make me feel worse I guess. My day-to-day living consists of jack so there's that.

I'm gonna try it out I think and try to just be a kid again. It's weird to me that my development has been so strange and inverse. Thanks anon.
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>>10853995
I had some of this before transitioning, it came back for the year and a half I wasn't taking HRT consistently, and really strongly for the month or so I went off hormones entirely. I'm back on now, but even now I feel like during that time I was a different person
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>>10855404
Hey that's a furry meme! Are you on Twitter or discord?
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>>10857908
>being vaguely aware of what you did but it all seems like it happened to someone else and you only just started being here, but you pretty much know what happened.
that sucks. i get a lot of the latter but no black out type situations. that's pretty scary.
i didn't ever witness any physical fights between my parents that i recall until i was in my teens. nor was it a regular occurrence. i think mine is bipolar mom who lost it over any possible thing if it was the wrong day and would then take that it out on absolutely anyone in range. took punishments way too far when she was like that. i'm really good at reading people's body language for upset queues probably because of this and it immediately triggers the fuck out of me. one time she called my grandparents and threatened to drown us all in the river. one managed to keep her on the phone long enough before she then dragged us out the front door as one of them pulled up. we lived alone in the middle of nowhere, they must have hauled ass.

>>10858095
desu i still think of my body as some separate it most of the time.

>>10858077
>>10858196
i think a big part of the reason people age me a lot younger than i am is some kind of immaturity in the way i act. even my family seems to barely perceive me as an adult in some ways. feels bad but i'm trying to get my shit together.

>>10857969
>As weird as it sounds, I didn't realize I was tall or thin for a long time, not until after collage.
no i totally understand that i think. every now and then i would notice something that just made me feel horrible about my body and it had to be that way for quite some time before i finally got around to processing it. even with near daily bathing and shaving you just get so good at avoiding your own body, dissociating when your brain needs to, that you can not notice anything new unless it hurts. maybe the mindfulness of trying to figure out what the pain is helps to keep me there.
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>>10853995
OP that sounds like something a lot more severe than normal disassociation...





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