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how do I get the motivation to keep going and doing stuff if god just keeps crushing all my dreams and I have a curse ruining my life?

my life is as bad as possible and no matter what I do im trapped in the same situation. I always find a way out and ways to make my life and they just get crushed and ripped away in front of my eyes faster then I can even find them.

god is literally just following me cursing me and ripping everything away that makes me happy so no matter what I do im stuck in suffering. I had an idea for a business I wanna start and all I can do is stare at my laptop sigh and feel defeated and my life just keeps getting worse and worse and I cant stop it. wtf do I do?
>>
Anon,
God loves you open a bible
>>
>>48645444
every time I find a way to make my life better a wall just falls down and closes it and shuts it down and I find alternate ways to get it and it just happens again with every single thing I do

I literally cant do anything because god is after me
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>>48645380
Are you trying to do big miracle-tier shit? Start small man. If you're fat, lose the weight. Start lifting, eating, and sleeping right. Keep a clean house. Not necessarily immaculate but if you're anything like me when I'm depressed you'll sit there and let everything go to shit. God won't crush your clean toilet, I can almost promise you man.

And it may seem bad, it may even be bad, but I promise your life isn't as bad as possible. This is weird, but when I feel down I try to imagine having the literal worst lives possible.
>Born into a shitpoor village, starve to death after a few weeks.
That one generally doesn't scratch my itch, I prefer
>get tortured to death
It's definitely happened plenty, and odds are at least a few people are being tortured as I type this. Imagine all the horrible things another man could do to you while you're tied to a chair. Someone could rip your fingernails out by the beds (they take up a suprising amount of your fingertip, they go a good way toward the knuckle) they could beat the bottoms of your feet so escape becomes practically impossible, they could peel you like a potato. You will probably think all lf that is extreme and stupid, but it gives me at least something to be glad about if I don't feel very glad.

It can be really tough man, but try to stay away from thinking God is literally cursing you. Personally I don't know if I buy the Christian thing, I could be pretty easily persuaded that theres some higher power but I doubt it gives much of a shit about you or me. Bad luck is just bad luck, and self pity will only amplify it. I say this in the most understanding way possible, I'm also pretty bad about pity parties.

You can make it out man, step by step.
>>
>>48645533
no I literally just wanted a small apartment and a basic job in a big city. im in a shit small town and I keep coming up with different ways to leave and putting them together and they keep getting cock blocked no matter what I do and I keep finding new ways and it just happens. I find 3 ways to do it and every single one gets cock blocked in a flash
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>>48645560
In my opinion you're blessed. Being a ruralpoor beats the fuck out of a shitty city life, I've done both. A studio apartment and a grindy job in the city, sharing every wall with a different unit. I don't know if some people are built for it but it killed my soul being piled on top of other people like ants.
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>>48645616
I just want to live it for awhile and I keep getting denied and cock blocked and I had a small business thing going on the side on my phone so I wouldn't have had to work 24/7 to just pay for an apartment I could of got something I could have afforded with roommates easy as fuck

now im stuck on probation cant do anything, no fun at all whatsoever, strict as fuck conditions, my entire life revolves around it, I was already depressed and suicidal before that was with freedom drugs and money I cant even make myself smile anymore
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>>48645640
Bro I'm on probation too! What'd you do?
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>>48645647
2nd dwai. fucking bull shit the first one was over 2 hits of weed so this one completely fucked me. I didn't even know it was illegal like that to smoke weed and drive because I saw thousands of people smoke in their car and I never heard of it happening

now the 2nd one fucks me because I live in a neo Nazi state where you get long as fuck probation sentences and possible prison time over it and every other state I looked at it its a misdemeanor with 6 months max and no probation....like wtf

I didn't even want to live here and I was literally about to leave before it happened
>>
make money
masturbate

literally the only 2 things that will get your life on track.
>>
>>48645792
I hate fapping it makes me feel degenerate and im just fapping to increasingly degenerate shit
>>
>>48645640
You're in a shit place, no denying it. I can't offer anything to remedy the situation, but I'll post some of my favorite quotes that I read to myself when life gets me down. Please take the time to read them and I hope they resonate with you.

"There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility of changing them." - Dennis Waitley

"Not having the best situation, but seeing the best in your situation is the key to happiness." - Marie Forleo

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice." -Bob Marley

"Don't let small minds convince you your dreams are too big." - Unknown

"When everything feels like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top." - Unknown

I wish you all the best, and I hope you continue fighting no matter how much shit is hurled your way. Mind over matter.
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>>48645804
use masturbation as a reward.
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>>48645822
im trying to start my own business too but im too afraid to spend my money because its my only ticket out of this hellhole not that I have a chance anyways

plus im just unsatisfied with life all I do is stop everything im doing sigh feel so depressed it feels physically painful. i've just been studying it for days on end but studying isn't gonna do anything without actually executing it. i've been talking to people who do the same business idea tho and they make fucktons im trying to find a mentor but im too scared to pay them
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>>48645851
I used weed as a reward because thats what truly makes me happy but that got taken away

I wanna use kratom but im scared of it messing up my probation its legal but idk it feels like anything involved in law enforcement is just pure evil
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>>48645759
Me too, for real. Imo driving high isn't that big of a deal if you can actually handle it, but every gangweeder thinks they can so I can totally understand laws against it. Gotta know your laws though man, if you're gonna get up to some illegal shit you better know how the cops are gonna fuck you if they catch you, cause it's their job.

You see, though, that no God did this to us right? I've known since I was 17 if you're gonna get caught smoking weed, 99% of the time it'll be in a car. So if you truly don't wanna get caught, never step foot in a vehicle with weed.

Unfortunately I'm a cocky dumbass and I just LOVE bone cruising, but I guess I never will again, at least not here :(

Good to meet a fellow gangweed probationbro at least, but in my ever so humble opinion dude you might be happier if you owned the shit that was your fault at least. Ignorance of the law is no excuse, that's always been Uncle Sam's policy, and God didn't make us smoke and cruise, that was all us, especially the second time when you already knew what was up and what would happen if they nailed you. Sorry dude but this one at least comes back on you, and if you're honest with yourself or wanna tell some more stories, I think some others might too. We are our own worst enemies, I'm right there with you on that.
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>>48645792
>>48645804
>>48645851
Jerk it to shit in your imagination my dudes. Porn is bad for you, straight up, you say yourself that you jerk to more and more degenerate shit.

Much like a fat person struggling to lose weight, tell yourself that if you aren't horny enough to imagine something to cum to, you aren't even that horny. If you're fat and you're "hungry" but not hungry enough to actually cook some moderately healthy food, you're not hungry just bored.
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>>48645911
I was really young when it happened like fresh out of high school. I dont even see how a weed charge can be the exact same as an alcohol one because 2 hits of weed vs shots of alcohol like its obviously way different.

the 2nd dui definetely seem like 90% pure bad luck. I got a pill that was mislabeled, took too much on accident, blacked out, went to drive 5 minutes up the road, hit black ice that was RIGHT on a corner, and the weather here is so bad there's fucking tall snow banks that are pure fucking blocks of ice all over the side of the road.

the worst thing the WORST fucking thing is that I went to court for it and all the paperwork wasn't there yet so they were charging with me a 1st dui charge and I thought that was happening so I waited to get a lawyer NOPE if I pled guilty right there I would have got away with it. I asked for a lawyer and when I went to go to court all the paperwork came through and it was upgraded to a felony with probation

if I had plead guilty to that right there i'd be done with it all by now, got my license back, moved, no probation, AND wouldn't of even had to pay lawyer. I cant stop thinking about that
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>>48645859
one thing about business I can tell you. Its a big risk big reward sort of deal. You launching your business in essence is a huge risk, but it can have an incredible reward if it succeeds. And remember the bigger the risk, the bigger the said reward. Also if you can't deal with pressure, or putting everything on the line, then this isn't for you. If these are things you can do, I suggest you trust yourself and your gut when it comes to opportunity.
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>>48645872
Do you really wanna be dependant on any leaves to live your life? Kratom is the lowest-tier opiate and it might not fuck you like the others, but personally I wouldn't take the risk on that shit. Heroin and pain pills are legit demons, I don't know much about kratom besides people using it to get off heroin. It seems like taking up vaping when you don't smoke ciggies. Statistically, non-smoking vapers are 4x more likely to start actually smoking eventually. Weed is a nice soft drug that won't grab you by the balls and ruin your life, but still you don't want to lean too hard on it or you catch probation, can't smoke, and suddenly your life is devoid of meaning and happiness. It's unhealthy, ya feel?
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>>48646031
Also to add to this, RIGHT NOW, this point in your life, is one of the two major spots where heroin addictions start. This, and getting pain pills from your wisdom teeth coming out. Stoner gets on probation, wants to catch a buzz, tries an opiate instead, next thing he knows he's a legit addict for a decade on average.
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>>48646014
yeah the risk isn't even crazy big but to me it is because my money is everything to me. ive never had money in my life ive worked hard as fuck for it (kinda) and its my only ticket out of this shit hole so a small risk seems bigger to me

>>48646031
I just want a nice pick me up once in awhile especially a healthy herbal one im dealing with some hellish depression and shit im trying to get medical marijuana but I feel like they're gonna fuck that up too
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>>48646132
Just because it's an herb doesn't make it healthy or safe my dude, everyone goes in thinking they'll be fine, but really if you decide to go for kratom, (and let the record show I have some heroin war stories and would not advice even dabbling in the "healthy herbal" version) be so fucking careful about it man, for real for real. It will trick you into thinking you're still running things while it erodes everything good about you. You think things are bad now, start teaching your brain that happiness comes from Mother Opioid and maybe in a few years you'll remember this post and hate yourself way more than you ever think is possible tonight. But you'll probably just forget the post because you'll be hustling 24/7 to get your next fix, running around the dangerous side of town doing shady shit all day and night.
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>>48646219
I really need a pick me up and I dont like coffee or cigarettes and I get a better handle over downers instead of uppers

no matter what drug I do I always come back to weed as my main and only thing. ive been smoking weed for 8 years and every single time I smoke weed I get so fucked up I dont even want or need other drugs
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>>48645380
1. stop believing in god and he won't bother you. god is a weak being and relies on your belief to exist.

2. follow your heart, and if you fail just learn from your mistakes and keep trying.

best of luck, anon!
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>>48646272
Do you get any exercise? And I'll never be able to talk you out of it, but you should know man, EVERYBODY thinks they have a better handle on downers because they don't give you the compulsion to redose.
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>>48646579
its just kratom it cant hurt that much and like I said I always just go back to weed no matter what I do.

ive done xans painkillers adderral and I just always only care about weed and yes I walk fucktons
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>>48646592
I truly hope you don't go on to regret it man, just remember if it blows up in your face, this sure wasn't God's fault.
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>>48645380
I asked that for a long time but found that the more I forced myself to do shit I had no motivation for, I actually gained motivation over time--much more consistent motivation, that grew with every action I took.

To put it in perspective at the start of the year I was in a psych ward, 3 weeks out without a shower, suicidal, and a hiko. and now I'm waking up at 6am every damn day to bike 14 miles to college, where I stay until 6pm And it all started with me taking advantage of one of my "growth" days, aka one of the few days out of every month where I've showered, brushed my teeth, and have clean clothes so I can go out in the world. And what I did with that day was sign up for college. And thus the ball began to roll.

The more you do things, even if you don't want to, the more you gain motivation AND confidence in yourself to do greater and grander things. I promise you, you don't have a curse. You are being tested, but you will be rewarded splendidly if you can get through this. Which you can. I know you can. I got through mine and was rewarded with essentially the girl of my dreams on my first day of college. Not even kidding. I thanked God so hard that day. We're friends now and might even be more in the future. I have been constantly rewarded as I continue to progress towards a happier life by God, or karma, or whatever. From finding 50 dollars just laying around to being given an extremely amazing job opportunity, my efforts have pleased whoever is out there. And you can be rewarded like me, too. But the biggest reward comes from within--knowing you have the strength.

If you've found ways out, then you can do it again.

>>48645560
Make a list of all the things you need to do to achieve that goal. Don't focus on how big or intensive it is, focus on the very first step ONLY. My recommendation? Stop doing drugs for fuck's sake. Ask your probation officer about low-cost or free drug counseling, and if he doesn't know about any, look for yourself.
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>>48646272
Want a pick me up? Then stop doing that shit and find and maintain healthy ways to pick yourself up. Don't turn to coffee either, that shit is a legal drug.
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>>48645444
God can go fuck himself
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>>48645380
Hey anon

Sometimes, just sometimes, I share what I feel on this board.

I have the exact opposite problems you have; I am driven, consistently successful in university, and have a decent amount of work experience at the age of 21.

I also just took a large step towards my PhD post-grad path today.

>and yet

I am extroverted, at least superficially, and allow women to become interested in me, even though I look average, at best. I guess I love the comfort of talking to people that hide their problems & shelter their true selves behind layers of socially respectable costumes.

I enjoy certain aspects of mgtow, but play games once in a while, just to see what's its like to have the power to ghost on someone, or perhaps more importantly, reject their advances in hopes of destroying their confidence. I had no self-confidence too, seemingly forever ago.

But whenever a conventionally attractive woman tells me what she hopes for, what her life is like, and what her ambitions are, I genuinely feel bad for them. Sure, they are in the prime of their youth, but their lives seem so..... small, you know? Somehow, I find myself believing they can be somebody relevant if they had the drive to beat circumstance into submission.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, I try to rationalize a way out of this empathetic sludge,
but for some reason, I keep coming back to this, after every time I passive-aggressively reject/lead along a woman.

Anyways anon, know that even in moderate success there will always be sadness and depression.
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>>48646923
im really fucking sad and I have no friends where I live is completely isolated with nothing fun in it. literally all ive been feeling for weeks is sadness
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>>48645444
Then why did God do bad thing? Checkmate athiest
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>>48646984
don't let common tales fool you

friends are not inherently useful, and are not always worth making.

Make sense of who you really are, of your goals, and your desires, however wild and/or illegal they may be. Then, and only then, can you make a true emotional bond with someone else.
>>
>>48646984
Let me help you.
>How can I meet people and make connections?
Find a place you can go to for free where people regularly hang out. Join a discord server for something you're interested in. See if there's a D&D group in your town looking for members. Go to the library and look at any posters hanging around, advertising groups for you to go to that may interest you. There's more out there than you think.
>I've been feeling sadness for weeks
Go outside for 15 minutes. Breathe in the fresh air and take deep breaths of it. Remind yourself that there are many solutions to your problems and you are capable of coming up with them (but if you need help you absolutely can ask for it). Ask your probation officer about therapists in your area, especially low cost ones. If you get a therapist, they can help you with a shit ton of things, including finding friends. Even if you can't find any free ones, if you can find one that doesn't charge a stupidly high amount (under 100 dollars per visit), consider it an investment into your happiness.
>nothing fun
Ya sure? Because I live in a 5,000 population town and there's way more fun things to do than I ever thought.
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>>48647028
its not that its just whenever I hang out with people I get a lot less depressed I feel less tired more extroverted and talkative I feel better and I stop thinking about my problems and I laugh more

the problem is everyone here is a poor dickhead. they're all really boring or they're crazy and they're dickheads. plus the people here are REALLY fucking shitty like all they do is brag and act like children. like whenever I talk to someone here my age they just turn into everything into a bragging right no matter what im not a person to brag about things much but they just turn everything into a bragging contest
>>
>>48646897
>>48646923
Good advices. I enjoy weed and also coffee but only in moderation. If you are getting happiness from them at all, you're using them wrong. All they should be giving you is an altered headstate and they will lose their oomph if you do them all the time. Especially coffee, you will build a tolerance to that shit in the blink of an eye and turn into the "do not speak I have not drank my morning drugs yet hah" meme, which is fucking retarded.
>>48646984
Drugs will not solve any of your problems man, they will only mask them and stop you from dealing with them. Depressed people are at the biggest risk for developing addictions and shit you say definitely indicate that you have some substance issues already.
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>>48647028
Stop giving him shitty advice you raging faggot. Go back to your shithole.

>>48647065
Good! I'm glad you do. I really am. I'm the same way. Honestly I'd say don't judge everyone by what you think they're "all" like, especially people your age. But also don't shy against making friends with people significantly older than you. I'm very good friends with a 75 year old woman and an 83 year old man. They feel like family to me, even. They've helped me a lot. Very old people tend to also be much less judgmental and are accepting of talking to people awkward and shy.
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>>48647065
Hey anon, I am the same guy who replied to you, and made this reply:>>48646970.

I dont think stringing women along is bragging, it's just a social past-time of mine.

In order to grow as a person; you need to quit being jealous of others, and truly believe you are inherently better than anyone else.

When reality disagrees with you, simply change reality to fit your belief. NEVER, NEVER, change your opinion on yourself due to reality.

Your self-image & self-opinion should be only governed by your goals, whatever they may be
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>>48647109

Hey maggot, im your "raging faggot"

Whats your problem, degenerate? asnwer quick, im going out for a jog

(I need to show the people walking around in their cars how much better I am than them)
>>
>>48647141
>don't change your opinion of yourself due to reality
If you're an asshole who strings people along, protip: You're a fucking asshole and should accept it instead of denying reality like a little bitch.
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>>48647061
im trying not to be a negative ass hole but let me tackle these all at once

1. i got arrested and lost my license and the closest town is 10 miles away and i know no one there its just a college town i dont see much just basic small stores. there's another 20 miles away where i have one friend but hes kind of a dick head and all he does is drink and do degenerate shit so i dont think he would be good to hang out with and i have no way to get around anyway

2. ive been going outside a lot ive been walking for hours and trying to sit outside but thats getting old as fuck. i dont really like therapists because im trying to fix my situation instead of complain about them plus probation has already given me SO much fucking shit to do like SO much fucking shit.

they want me to 1. get a job coach 2. go to drug classes 3. get a job 4. submit copies of job applications to them every month 5. visit my PO every single week on their schedule theres a couple more things i cant think of but its fucking ridiculous i have no ride and they want me to do 1200 things that are all like 10 miles away from me and they give me 0 leniency if i miss it or dont do it as fast as they want me to

3. i dont think there's anything fun to do i've been walking around a lot but thats getting old. my town is just like 2 blocks of houses and just a bunch of woods and 1 long road outside of that. i cant really hang out with the people in my town because they all do drugs they're all criminals and most the people are really depressing. i've been trying to talk and hang out with my neighbor but hes an older guy and he doesn't seem to be home much
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>>48647141
>truly believe you are inherently better than anyone else.
garbage advice, especially if you are obviously not better than everybody. Don't go from a depressed faggot to forcing some weird contrived superiority complex. You're just going to turn into a bigger fag in the other direction. You just have to believe you're worthwhile, love yourself but don't retardedly insist that you're better than everybody because you aren't and nobody is. Fucking idiot
>hurr I jog
Is this b8? I also run, but I'm better than you for not being a faggot who thinks it makes me special somehow.
>>
>>48647169
Whats wrong with being an asshole?

I don't deny reality, I merely build up the confidence to fight against life itself.

I have lofty goals, fucking worm, and I will reach them through crowds of nobodies like you, as if wading in a shallow pond
>>
>>48647179
Therapy isn't just bitching to someone anon, they are supposed to be there to give you more objective perspective as well as ways to deal with your issues, which you obviously have plenty of
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>>48647179
1. Save up for a secondhand bike and go for small bike rides every day (when there's no snow on the ground) and build that up to longer distances so you can eventually bike that 20 miles. Alternatively ask your probation officer for a ride to town or see if a bus comes to where you live. There's also some uber-like local services (if your town doesn't have uber) that you can see if they're in your town. Also, have you considered going to college? (Not right now, but when you get transportation) I'm assuming since you're on /r9k/ you don't make mucho bucks, and if it's a community college you could apply for financial aid and get the Pell grant. Priority deadline is December 1st for the spring semester, btw.

2. You don't like therapists because....you have too much pride. Lad that is your problem and I'd highly suggest you get one. Also that is a lot of shit, so I'd really recommend asking around so you can fix your transportation issue. Explain to the police exactly what your problem is too and ask if they can help figure out a way. Preferably as soon as possible. Look online as well.

3. It's good you've been talking to the older guy. Next time you see him, ask if he has any odd jobs you can do so you can save up for a bike.
>>
>>48647218
>what's wrong with being an asshole
Alright Timmy, it is way past your bedtime.
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>>48647096
I dont really want drugs per se. I could get prescribed Ritalin if I wanted to because ive gotten it my whole life I just dont want to im glad I quit taking it. I had a nurse recommend me Ativan and I could get it but I just choose not to but i've been thinking about getting it to help me sleep at night and my legal shit has been giving me panic attacks for days on end I have actual anxiety

I medical marijuana for certain things like it helps my ADD better than Ritalin because I can actually stop and take in information and I enjoy doing it and it helps me just wind down and I can slow down and watch a tv show and actually laugh at it and enjoy it. if I watch tv without it I kinda just sit here with a resting sad face and dont laugh smile or enjoy it.

>>48647109
yeah my neighbor is really chill hes always trying to encourage my goals and hes very friendly and he tells me to come over and talk to him still kinda depressed tho cause its just one person whos way out of my age group I kinda want a group of acquaintances my own age not just one older friend but he is chill.

>>48647141
its pretty hard its like im gonna do this and then reality comes down crushes it and im back stuck at my parents doing the same thing ive been doing for years just with the added depression from years of crushed dreams :/

im like oh im gonna leave my shit town. get arrested. oh im not gonna work some shit job fuck that. court tells me if I dont work I go to jail. oh im gonna transfer my probation. find out I cant. oh probation isn't that bad my PO is chill. get a new PO and shes a total bitch to me. every time I find happiness it just gets ruined
>>
>>48647214
Of course im better than you, in every way conceivable. Well, I need to believe that in order to maintain my certain set of behaviors & perspectives, without which my inhumanly ambitious goals will never be reached.


You preach a lazy, momentarily happy existence, which to be honest, appeals to quite a few. Some are born for this sort of existence; merely wandering around a grey fog of unknown proportions, towards an mysterious "goal"

Others; albeit a few others; wish to feel the weight of the world upon their shoulders and are brave enough to bring originality into this world.

Anyways, there is no chance you will actually consider having an open mind, and since you are not a pretty woman I can sweet talk & charm into adoring me, I realize that pushing off my jogging routine any longer is completely fruitless.

Later, skeptical no-one
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>>48647271
there's nothing similar to uber in my town. there's a bus that comes here but it doesn't really have a functional schedule it just comes to my town twice a day and its early as fuck in the morning and in the evening so one pick up and one drop off that are like 8 hours apart.

I dont really want a therapist because I know if I moved I would have instantly been happy and could have slowly progressed towards more happiness this town is just crushing me. I cant really just go and say my life sucks because I live in a small town and I want to move but I cant
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>>48647289
For now, instead of worrying about him being out of your age group, be thankful that you have him to rely on. Be kind to him and treasure him in your life my friend.

>>48647322
Well, then....again. Make a list of all the things that have to happen before you can move, and start from there. It's sad to think about the what ifs, so don't. Think about your future and the present. Please. I know what it's like to be caught in the what ifs, and that is a fucking hole.
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>>48647283
Good comeback, you legend.

Here is the most important sentence you will ever witness in your life:

Find a purpose, or die as you live; a hollow nothing.
>>
>>48647355
That's a good sentence. You're still an idiot.
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>>48647345
yeah it keeps killing thinking of what if im not even close to being able to and it still keeps me up every night. I spent years trying to move and then in the blink of an eye it got shut down and made impossible as soon as I was about to do it like fuck dude... and I just keep thinking of all the time I wasted in this town

my old PO told me I could transfer easy since its just in the state but my lawyer was just like no no no you cant no and he said I need a job and a place to stay all ready before I can even try and my new PO is a massive bitch I feel like she just wants to make me miserable and have me be a probation slave

I mean I dont know how the fuck im supposed to get a job AND a place to stay that's going to work around the probation transfer schedule plus be hours away and stuck in this county plus not care that im on probation. I found one dude who was willing to let me crash there but he was just gay for me but still. I dont care if some gay guy is flirting with me lol

any advice on what to do there? plus I have to wait for my deferred sentencing to be over just to try
>>
>>48647314
>You preach a lazy, momentarily happy existence, which to be honest, appeals to quite a few. Some are born for this sort of existence; merely wandering around a grey fog of unknown proportions, towards an mysterious "goal"
What the fuck are you talking about? Sorry, but believing REALLY HARD doesn't make it true, you are just another faggot. I didn't "preach a lazy existence" I just said you're not hot shit, which I promise you aren't. Hype yourself up as much as you want but even posting your LARP here in the first place speaks volumes, are you even going to actually go run?

I can't imagine having to parade how great you are around on r9k means anything except you probably being a huge loser in real life. Even if everything you've said is true, your contrived self worth doesn't even mean anything. You're better off actually having long term discipline and respecting yourself as a realistic human.

That doesn't mean laziness, that was just you projecting. It means being in it for the long haul instead of screaming your bravado onto an anonymous image board and then eventually crashing and burning when you hit a rough patch. That said, you are definitely better off than a couch potato, so clutch your bravado tight and maybe someday you'll actually grow into it and like your actual self instead of having to repeat over and over, as loudly as possible, that you are better than anyone else ever could be.
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>>48647322
You will not be instantly happy by moving, sorry bro. This is what everyone thinks, but you have to actually change too. You are wallowing in self pity and screaming for a "pick me up" in the form of getting fucked up
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>>48647418
Please don't do that to yourself. I'm not speaking as someone who's never experienced this type of shit before...I've experienced a shit ton of it. Thankfully not probation officer, but this dwelling on the what ifs, the depression, the hopelessness? Been there, done that.

Can I ask you to talk to another poster? He's going through similar shit and I think you two could become friends. >>48646843

I mean shit, stay with the gay guy then...Better than nothing. Could also try getting a job where you can work from home.
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>>48647470
no man I really would because my only goal for years was moving if I got that I would instantly be happy and i'd have an easier time. more people more people with similar personalities, more public transportation, more shit to do, more jobs, just overall better and better weather.

>>48647471
yeah that gay guy was chill but i got told i have to wait to try and transfer my shit so i dont know if he'll still be sitting there im gonna have to find another gay dude cause no one is going to just hold a room for me without knowing me or knowing when i can even move in. i mean if i knew the precise date i could move i could just book an airbnb for that time, print out the document showing i booked the airbnb and have a place to stay and go from there
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>>48647527
Hey that's an idea! Look at you, you're already problem solving. (I don't mean this in a condescending way btw, genuinely proud of you.) See? You're doing it. Believe in yourself and your ability to find a solution to your problem, okay? I know you can do it my lad. I believe in you. I gotta go but please keep the faith. I know you can. I believe that you can believe in you.
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>>48647557
I know it was hard as fuck to find that one gay dude. I went through tons of people on craigslist and I had to volunteer to just throw my entire savings around to get it. I had to embarrassingly explain my situation to strangers. I talked with my PO about it and he worked around me and was helping me move but then I lost it all. I found out I couldn't move right yet, I lost my nice and chill PO and got stuck with a girl that is just kinda mean to me and not understanding at all and my lawyer just started telling me its impossible and just kinda shrugged it off. im afraid of keep finding solutions and have it get shut down from every angle I go about it because that's just whats kinda been happening for years
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>>48647593
So did you get what you needed from this thread? It looks like it's going quiet.
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>>48647734
I dunno man I dont really know whats gonna happen it helps talking about it tho
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>>48647750
It really will all work out, just keep your nose clean and don't fuck your probation up first and foremost, because if you let it end it will end but if you fuck it up you will descend to another ring of hell entirely. Then you can move away and I hope the city is better for you, for real I do.
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>>48647799
yeah I hope if I dont fuck up and if I just keep fighting for it it will happen but im scared. I also get really panic i go to jail for one small thing even after doing probation for a long time and then i wasted MORE time

i have nightmares like multiple times a week i make one small mistake and go to jail. i have dreams where i smoke weed and its really vivid and i wake up in a panic attack and im like FUCK i have court or probation tomorrow did i really smoke weed holy fuck im fucked or i just wake up in a panic attack about how im trapped in my small town and im at risk for jail and stuck here on probation its really fucking scary
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>>48647818
i also get really bad panic attacks*
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>>48647818
I'm your fellow probationbro from way up in this thread if you didn't realize, and I had a vivid dream the other night where I smoked weed too. As long as you keep it in dreamland it can't hurt you, and you're in control when you're awake. Thank fuck i've never had a panic attack and I definitely do not plan to, I don't envy the people who do. How much longer on your probation? Only two and a half months here, easy peasy. You can do it too man, honestly if you're just sitting around bored wishing you were high, you should start both reading books and even writing a journal. It helps me while away the hours (also a ruralfag here) and it gives you somewhere to put all your fucked up thoughts so they aren't eating at you. And I know you said some stuff earlier about not wanting a therapist to some other anon, but I've been going to therapy through this whole probation thing and it's pretty nice honestly. I hear you might have to shop around for a good therapist, but I got lucky I guess, the first one I tried was pretty solid. I'm going tomorrow morning. I thought it was just a jew meme at first too but especially if you can get it for reasonably cheap (better yet, free) it is definitely worth it IMO
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>>48647919
i dont even wish to be high i just want to leave and be accomplishing my goals. the probation is long as fuck in my state and i just started it and it took 8 months to just start from being arrested fuck i just keep wasting time and doing useless shit fuck me. im gonna try and get prescribed medical marijuana im talking to a doctor about it

ive been studying my business idea but eventually life just starts becoming mundane and i just find myself staring at a screen with a sad dead face

i dont even have urges to get high i only get urges to leave im hoping i can get my business to take off and i can tell this place fuck off and tell them im making a bunch of cash and get my shit transferred out of here

i think if i get perscribed weed it'll help somewhat ill be able to relax and not just be kinda sitting around depressed 24/7 its been so long since ive felt the happiness from that. whenever i smoke i just laugh my fucking ass off like crazy. i remember my last times of freedoms i was watching the big bang theory and i was so high it kept making me laugh my balls off every second i was laying in bed stacking up cash i was looking up flights and apartments and then i got arrested. its so painful to remember my last moments of freedom.

the old PO i had told me its easy to transfer in the state and i read online from lawyers that said the same thing but my lawyer keeps brushing it off and my new PO is a bitch. i mean something has to give right? in the meantime im focusing on weight loss this place kinda made me a fat fuck i was an alcoholic and then the boredom and depression just made me eat like crazy and sit around im getting back in shape tho
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>>48647999
In my dream it was a joint and I spent the whole rest of the dream trying to not ruin my ill-gotten high by freaking the fuck out about a possible drug test. I miss dank chronic desu man, but at least it isn't one of the drugs thats hard to quit. I just make a frownie face and don't smoke weed that day again.

If you want medical I'd definitely make sure sure SURE that it won't fuck with your probation. It would be fucked up if it did, but better safe than sorry, assume makes an ass out of u and me.

Good on you for losing weight man, my grand total is 100 lbs lost and it's a better way to live for sure. Perk of rural life:
>long night jogs down dirt roads under the stars
sorry the system is fucking with you man. At least you can use this time to get in shape so you look good when you move to the city. It's super important for first impressions.
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>>48648062
>>48648062
yeah i read the terms of my probation and it says no drugs or marijuana unless prescribed by a doctor and i asked my lawyer if i can get it and he said yeah and he said he would just let someone know so its okay

i dream about blunts and joints a lot it sucks and weed is hard for me because its the only drug that really makes me happy. i like painkillers but sometimes they just make me straight up miserable. weed just lets me slow down and relax and enjoy life and focus. leave up to the "justice" system to rip that away from people. i like the break from it though its helping me lose weight a lot and i was a slave to it.

yeah im hoping i can do medical marijuana i dont want to do it a lot but i do want it occasionally to help me sit down and relax and be able to focus and not be anxious all the time. it really makes the time pass too so i dont freak out as bad by being stuck

im hoping i can get my shit going and make a good amount of money it'd be really easy to tell this place to fuck off. even if the money and job doesn't allow me to transfer i could hire lawyers, talk to lawyers, visit the city, have more flexible options, set up business connections down in the city so i have a reason to transfer and shit like that

im really afraid they'll say no to the weed and just bitch about it and cause a bunch of problems or im stuck with nothing. but if i got prescribed a pill that got me high they wouldn't give a fuck its crazy how brainwashed everyone is
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>>48648118
Do you have a job? That would probably help time pass and look good to your PO too. Try waiting or bartending, they make decent money from tips usually, and some more cash would be good to have when you get out of there
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>>48648316
i mean ive been making money online so its kinda scammy so i cant really write that down its hard for me to work a job because im always tired and anxious i dont really see it making time go by faster but i want to get a job working from home doing some phone call support shit if i can for those reasons

i already have enough money to move but yeah im forced to get a job or they fuck me in the ass. everyones a poor redneck here so they assume im poor too but im actually richer than everyone secretly but whatever i think they just want me to get a job to pay their shit fines which i could afford in one payment in a second

its really hard for me to work i have chronic fatigue like a bitch like actual light headed crazy feeling shit ive fainted from it before

not trying to be a whine ass it just sucks feeling tired all the time plus depression and anxiety on top that. kinda feels like im doing everything with a giant weight tied to my feet
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>>48648363
That sucks for sure man, and you're eating healthy and everything? Sleeping a reasonable amount?
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>>48648411
i've tried sleeping everywhere from 7-12 hours i still feel tired and shitty i think its anxiety because if i drink or take a benzo i dont feel tired anymore

i try to eat healthy but i get really bad cravings for fattening food too and i get kinda shakey hands and i sweat and feel light headed if i dont maybe diabetic or something. i've been eating healthy a lot, drinking mostly water, and i always try to exercise and get fresh air every day i think its either mental or physical

a little bit of weed would help i think a lot of it comes from depression and the depression weighs me down a lot. i even had a hot gf one time and we went and banged and i came out of my room and my friend was like you just had sex why are you frowning still like god damn i didn't realize my depression was that bad
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>>48648457
Anxiety can definitely make you tired all the time, you run too hot from being anxious and basically just use all your gas up. Even worse if you're depressed. At least you're doing the basics and keeping yourself healthy. Unironically make sure you eat your veggies anon, fruits too. Plants are nutritious and delicious.
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>>48645380
AS weird as it sounds just knowing I'll commit suicide if certain requirements are met motivates me to live/improve.
In my case Im severely hearing impaired, have cochlear implants, and my vision is pretty bad. If I lose my vision and laser eye surgery doesnt work Ill kill myself. Its a real freeing feeling, because I know I wont be afraid since it couldnt get any worse.
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>>48648656
yeah thats what i feel like my mind is racing plus chronic fatigue so putting it in overdrive while already on E is hard

i really want to fucking get a job from home i think that would be the healthiest thing for me. plus i lost my license like wtf yall want me to do i already have to drive to 20 different things for you guys
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Hey anon I've seen your posts, and if you're the same poster who tries leaving his town but can't, my advice is to just pack your shit and leave
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>>48648940
have you read any of this? He's on probation so this is retarded advice at the moment.
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>>48648940
even on probation with a felony? id be locked up constantly if any cops saw me anywhere for any reason until they release me when my county doesn't want to extradite me and if i ever wanted to get my license back i'd have to come here and do time in prison or jail

im trying to bide my time, study my money making ideas, and exercise lose weight and get in shape its just so depressing there's nothing to do, no girls around and there's nothing fun to do or variety in anything and the weather is shit





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