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Round three. All are welcome here.

Previous: >>7790150
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I feel like because of shitty things I've done in my past I don't deserve to be happy or make a life for myself. So I just hide away from the world as a recluse, unable to cultivate my talents or desires because I'm an asshole.
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i am doing nothing for uni and i love it, but scared of the consequences
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The last 10 days of my life have been some of the toughest days of my life but over these last 10 days I have found out what type of man I am and I am proud how I have acted. Despite the chaos I have managed to remain calm and keep on acting in a responsible manner. In the past I always struggled to do this but I am glad to see I have improved to the point where I can do what needs to be done even when under pressure.
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>>7814975
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>>7815128
I am not an innocent man. I have done many reprehensible things. Things so bad that I truly felt like I would never be able to do enough to make up for the wrong I had done. I did the same and decided to hide from the world for a long time. Forces of circumstances forced me out of the whole I had hidden in for so long. During this period that I was exposed to change I started to change. Not on purpose at first but before long I realized that not everything in me was bad. I then started to make a conscious effort to be a better person. I did not go "big" and try to make up for all my sins at once. I just decided to stop doing things to my friends and family I knew were wrong. Through reading and modeling my behavior after people I looked up to I managed to positively change the way I act. I now act in a controlled and what I believe to be manner. I am truly proud of who I am. The things I did are still there. I can never change that but I can change how I act in the present. I cannot rob the world of all the good I am capable of because I feel bad about things I can longer change.
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I pissed away my first year of university because I was stupid and irresponsible. Here I am again in my second year, afraid I'll make the same mistakes.
I'm afraid to continue and realize I've just wasted my life and my money; what if it turns out I don't like my major? I'm afraid to back out and disappoint my family and myself; was me passing with flying colors in advanced HS classes a fluke -- pure, dumb luck? I'm afraid that not continuing to play football in college for scholarship money was a huge mistake, and that I have let down the expectations of everyone around me, including myself. I'm afraid that I won't have friends by the end of uni, because I'm a socially inept retard due to lockdown and only having friends over the internet. I'm afraid I won't be the man I aspire to be.
Even more than all that, I'm afraid that I've sunk so low that I spill my guts on a papes thread. I can't vent my anxieties to anyone because I don't want to seem too weak and unstable. I fear my obstacles because I fear I haven't prepared myself enough for life, but I don't want to worry people with my issues. Besides, any concern seems two-faced and superficial.
I feel foolish, to have to stop myself from rambling on about "poor me, pity me." To think I might be unconsciously fishing for sympathy sickens me, but I'm afraid of what I'll do if I keep it bottled up too long, like a sinking ship approaching crush depth as it gazes into the dark, foreboding abyss. I feel foolish for waxing poetically about my issues -- maybe I should've been a writer lol

That being said, I can at least be proud that I've endured so far. Whether due to being a stubborn, headstrong fool, or having a heart strong enough to stomach the realities of living as me. For you anons out there who share these closeted insecurities not so far from my own, take what cold comfort you can in knowing you're not alone, and that I haven't given up just yet.
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Short, ugly and autistic, fuck this I'm gonna live and die alone
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I'm slowly losing everyone I love and there is nothing I can do about it.
I am an outcast in my family, I am the "other one" to all my friends, and the people who once I thought cared about me are slowly leaving me and I can do nothing to stop it.
I've been progressively getting worse and worse over the past 4 years, and nothing has helped so far.
I'm arguing more and more with my closest friends, and I don't think they want to put up with me for much longer.
I can't talk about how I feel to my friends anymore, because I'm afraid that it will just make them leave even sooner.
My grandmother died almost exactly a year ago, and we still haven't been able to hold her funeral because of travel restrictions, but we're finally hoping to be able to hold it in october.
She always saw so much in me and told me I had a future ahead of me, even on her dying bed urging me to work towards a future. She was the only person who treated me like a human for most of my life.
I've been treated like subhuman trash for my entire life for no reason, and I can't help but agree with that anymore. I am nobody, I bring no good to the world, all I do is just hurt and take from others.
There is no me, there is only what others want me to be. If others want me to live, I will live but I see no point in it. Life holds nothing for me, and any attempt to change that is just a waste of time and energy on everyone's part.
I apologize for wasting your time with reading this, and I hope that this wallpaper makes up for it.
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>>7815243
Fuck yea! Good for you. Tough shit happens and you went through that like an unintentional colon cleaner at taco bells bathroom. You got through that shit and pivoted your mind set to the fresh open sky. Remember as the crazy escapades drew to an end... Keep that mind set man and youll feel like your on top of mount fucking everest, no matter what hurdles towards your way.
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>>7815330
confiding in others isn't inherently seeking pity points; frequently, the act itself is cathartic, and if it isn't, a discussion surrounding the issues you raise can be beneficial. that being said, i'm not smart enough to give you specific answers, but i can ask some questions:

1) now that you know that what you did last year is bad for your academic future, is there a reason that you will continue doing those things if you value said future?

2) what is stopping you from making friends real-life at the present? is the job that you'd get in the future not conducive to making friends?

3) i understand your point about concern being superficial; most social media-type things, praise, critique, concern, all of these tend to be superficial, but whether or not it actually is superficial would depend more on the source than on the concern itself. surely somebody cares about you; you even imply as much when you say that other people have expectations of you.
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Work has been outrageously difficult over the past couple weeks but other than that everything else has been pretty good. I really hate these Captchas.
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>>7814975
I feel lost, no real direction in life. No real passion, no real purpose
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I'm chilling in a Holiday Inn in Tuscon, AZ because my tractor is broken down and they're taking forever to fix it. I'm anxious and want to get back to work, yet here I sit.

Certainly not as emotionally stressful as all you uni kids, but we all got various problems, I suppose.
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>>7815376
The thing is, when it's almost everybody who has an issue with you, it usually IS you that has the issue. I'm saying this not to degrade you, but maybe for you to realize you need to change a couple of things.

Find those things and actually change them, however hard it may be. I used to have a shit relationship with my father. I was scared to death to even say something to him, let alone ask a meaningful question or for instance say: hey, let's get some food. Scared. To. DEATH.

One day I literally said fuck it and ran downstairs and just said, let's go get some food, and it was a decent time. Much better than I expected. I had to run down because if I take longer than 3 seconds to think about it I think about all the things that could go wrong. That one day I didn't and our relationship is better for it.

It took me 31 years. I never thought I could do something that terrifies me, but I did. This may seem like a small thing to many people, but I believe it's all relative, it was huge for me.
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19yr old lurkfag here. My life and my mind are a mess right now and this board has helped me throughout the years to find peace, calm and explore my interest in art. I am writing this as a hopeful catharsis, putting all the things which hang heavy on my mind here in the vastness of the internet.

My life is ruled by fear and guilt. I am a coward ashamed of the past and the present, seemingly losing touch with whats real and whats worth.

When I was in kindergarten I was strangely interested in the sexes, exploring my and other bodies. Around that time I was sexually molested by an older distant family member. I dont remember the extent of it, I am not sure if I got raped because my brain blocked out most of what happened and I havent tried to dig deeper than necessary. Sometimes I got random flashbacks to those events and an overwhelming shame washes over me. I try to reason that I was a child and that I didnt know any better.

Middle school was a troubling period. I realized that even though my parents truly loved me and wished the best for me, they couldnt come to terms with their own personal life, their own expectations and the reality of raising a child. I realized that they werent the ideal beings that I thought them to be, just merely humans.
My insecurities were peaking during that period. My days outside of school were spent locked in my room, reading novels and playing games. At that point the flashbacks to the kindergarten phase were often. I never told anyone about it. I barely believed it myself.

Somewhere during that time my maternal grandmother died. She was a chronic alcoholic and chain smoker. Lung cancer got her. Mom didnt take it so well. Her frustrations from work, home and her personal life started eating through her. She was kind and empathetic, but couldnt deal with those darker emotions, so she took them out on me. She used to have these episodes where she would beat me and degrade me verbally. Cont 1/5
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>>7815763

No matter how hard she beat me, I couldnt stay angry at her. Through the tears I laughed at her, making her beat me harder. I feel that I sensed the sadness and despair in her and I cant blame her to this day for what she did. If turning me into a punching bag was what made her feel better about the miserable life she was living, then why not. I knew that she regretted it deeply and thought I hated her.
Thats when I took up drinking. Every adult around me was doing it, so why shouldnt I? Not like it was a problem getting booze in this eastern european shithole. My only comfort at that time was my alone time in my room, where I used to drink myself to sleep or watch anime throughout the whole night.

As puberty took its course I started to grow more self conscious about my body. The changes made me feel ashamed of myself and I tried to hide my body at all costs, especially from girls.

Due to our poor financial situation we had to take out my paternal grandmother from the retirement home and bring her to live with us so that we had access to her pension.

Anyways, middle school ended and I enrolled in a trade school. Throughout the summer vacations I used to work as a bus boy and bartender to afford booze and new clothes. Even though I didnt have much free time during summer I gained a lot of experience and confidence when talking to people. I was able to create a mask to fill that role which was required of me and bury my insecurities for the time being. Ive met interesting people which expanded my appreciation and understanding of the world. I also cut back on my drinking as I felt bad about spending money on a vice when my family was desperately trying to make it by month for month.

High school had a lot of my favourite memories, but also my worst. Grandma became fully demented, she was an old, decaying 90 year old sack of flesh with the mental capacity of a cabbage patch, rarely gaining some sort of clarity for a brief moment. Cont 2/5
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>>7815765

She had no mental control over her excretion and had to be put in adult diapers. But she was also prone to fits of hysteria where she got completely naked and screamed, sometimes smearing shit over her whole room. On the walls, hiding it in the closet and wiping it all over the bed. She couldnt go to the toilet alone, you had to holder her sagging skin over the toilet as she shat and pissed down her own leg on you.
Mom did most of the taking care and cleaning, I used to help out. It was degrading and disgusting.

Everyone hated it but we had no choice. Arguments were getting more frequent between my parents, and while mom stopped with the beatings because she feared that I would hit back, the verbal insults got worse.

This went on for years, each day was hell at home. I started to hate my grandma, even though I knew that nothing could be gained from anger, that neither hitting her or yelling at her could change a thing and that by doing so I was becoming just like my mom, I still felt the desperation and fear of having my parents torn apart due to this "monster".

Come winter of my senior year my mom started acting weird. Unusual lethargic behavior, distanced from reality and constant complaints about "back pain". Her legs started swelling up. They looked like the legs of some 500 pound mobility scooter landwhale, completely out of place on a woman who weighted 120 pounds and was 5.5ft tall. Due to natural disaster, the coof, and my moms stubborn attitude to visit a doctor, treatment started too late. She became almost immobile, suffering intense pain when moving and had a bag which drained excess liquid hanging from her lower back. That was around new year or so. Maybe later.

She became completely detached and unrecognizable, entering emotional tantrums where she would scream and then cry and then talk absolute nonsense. Dad and I managed to get grandma out of the house for a few months to fully take care of mom. Cont 3/5
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>>7815767

I remember one day I was changing her pee bag and she had to hold still on the side for me to detach the full bag, empty it and attach it back on. Unfortunately she couldnt hold still as she was in intense pain, and ripped the whole catheter out of her and cried while screaming at me. I was covered in piss, blood and tears as my mom weakly tried to slap my face in delirium. I felt like something broke inside me.

She got taken to the ER and later we received the final diagnosis. Cancer.

Immediately she got transferred to a tumor clinic where they did all sorts of therapies. Due to the coof visits were strictly forbidden, we only heard eachother over phone for the next 3-4 months. The new therapy made her head clearer, for better or for worse. She was acutely aware of her seemingly unavoidable demise, away from her family in a hospital, drowning in pain. She blamed us for not visiting, she cried "why do you hate me so much?" and told us how afraid she was to never see us again.

Sadly she passed away a bit before May last year. My dad is the toughest guy I know but this shit broke him.

A month after that grandma returned with the same bs. We needed money so instead of going to college I started looking for a job after hs, and as September came round grandmother passed away, leaving me and my old retired dad all alone.
===
Well, its been almost a year from that point. Almost all my friends are in college, they moved on with their lives. Only I seem to be stuck in this rut. I wake up, go to work, come home and collapse in my bed.
The people I cared for are dead, or have moved on. Except for my dad. I think about ending it every day, since a long time ago. It was always the thought my loved ones finding me in that pitiful state and their grief which caused me to not do it. But in the near future? My dad is 68 and who knows how much longer he has, and the thought of ending it after he's gone is a constant resonance
cont 4/5
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>>7815770

I feel stuck in this position with no way out. I am drowning and there is no light, the minimum wage job I have to keep me financially afloat, all the little fears and insecurities that destroy my self esteem and the inevitability of being truly alone in this world is creeping up on me.
If you've read all this then I can only say sorry. I doubt that its worth anyone's time but I had to let it out of me, there is nobody I can talk to about this. Please enjoy some of my favorite albeit common papes which Ive collected over the years.
5/5
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>>7815771
Very sorry to hear all this, pal. I understand the burden family puts on you. I don't know how I can help, half a world away, but I am here to listen. You can't go through everything alone. Sometimes the talking helps. Stay strong.
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>>7815771
listen fucking here... you are not stuck in shit! any thing to take that next step to improve yourself, is the next goal.. there will be no finish line to any accomplishments you strive for, which in-turn means that your ass can only go to from the shit hand you been dealt .. to a royal mutha fucking flush. life has hit you pretty damn hard but just remember... you cant help everyone but you geeky ass grin can lighten up any ones day. but work on yourself!!!! holy shit work on your self, not as if you are the fucking problem, but to work on yourself on how be better when shitty problems come upon you.
basically my dumb ass is trying to say...take steps to move forward, once you accomplished that shit.. do it again.. financially, physically, mentally. eventually your presence alone will bring joy to others but more importantly .. your self.. either way.. stay humble, look past what is today and as always .. have fun
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>>7815250
A+ post. Thanks for sharing.

>>7815128
My little piece of advice would be to start journaling, if you're incapable or unwilling of seeing a therapist. The fact that you're calling yourself an asshole means you are probably not as bad as you feel like you are.

Start unwinding the tangled threads in your head and you'll find clarity. You are not beyond redemption.
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>>7815771
I don't have a whole lot to add, just that I read it and it made me feel for you. Things are rough now. But you're still so, so young. Whenever you start to get especially down, do me a favor and ask yourself this: What if it gets better from here? What if this is the low and it starts to get better after this?

That's the kind of thinking that has helped me through the darkness of my late teens/early 20s.
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I'm 36 and currently in the process of figuring out how to make new friends.

The few that I currently have are mostly married and have kids.
They're with the same girls they've been with since they were 18, toxic relationships where most of the time they just hate each other, no love, no sex, but instead of ending it they're trying to fix it with kids and marriage.

It just boggles my mind so much. They're all normies with good looks, jobs and shit like that, none of them would have problems finding someone else to be together with, yet they choose to be this miserable. One of them is currently trying for his next child, for the sole purpose of getting to have sex with his WIFE. What the fuck.

Noone has time to hang out in person anymore, all we can manage is 1-2 hours a evening where we sit in voice and play PUBG or some shit. They're already stressed, sleep deprived and mad and try to fix all this with some *competitive* vidya. SURPRISINGLY 1 hour per evening isn't enough to get gud at stuff like this so most of the time some 14 y/os simply outplay us. Which is fine by me, I've played enough League to know that sometimes someone else is just better at the game than me. And hey, we even reach first place from time to time. But these grown-ass men procede to lose their shit, yell at each other how much they suck or accuse everyone else of cheating. Until someone just ragequits and the group dissolves. Next day the same shit, again and again.

I just can't take it anymore, I don't want to get sucked into this toxic shit every time I want to play some videogames with my friends. I do not have the energy for this. I stopped going into voice, playing with them or even texting them.

It's just so hard cutting ties since I've known them since forever, because of all the fun times we had in the past, and also this is basically my whole circle of friends. But I've decided I'd rather be by myself than keep watching them get more miserable by the day.
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>>7816130
2/2

I just wish getting new friends wasn't this hard. I have some serious problems connecting with people, most of the time people I meet just feel so plain boring and more like an interactive scenery. Often it's just a chore to talk to them, pretending to care, forcing myself being nice to them. I couldn't care less if they died the next day which is weird because in return people tend to like me right of the bat and might even consider me a friend.

There's the occasional dude I like and feel like we're on the same wave length but it's just so hard for me to properly open up to people like this. It just takes so much time building up trust. Many take this as a sign of disinterest on my part and move on.

On the bright side I have some guys at my job now who invited me to board game night after work. Three people who I feel comfortable around and genuinely enjoy their company. Similar interests, no kids or other obligations. Maybe there's potential for some new long lasting and healthy friendships here, we'll see.

Thanks for this thread OP, simply typing this shit out made me feel better already.
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>>7815771
Anon, I'm sorry for everything you've been through but you gotta realize that you're too young to give up on life. You still haven't experienced everything there is to experience, that still awaits you.
Don't give up yet, you said that art interests you, then start deeply exploring music(jazz music, classical, rock, punk, whatever etc) and films(Tarkovsky's, Ingmar Bergman's, Bresson's) or literature.
If you have noone in real life that would make you better you can have art, and since you have an interest for it you could just dig your interest deeper.
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I'm thinking about getting into martial arts, I'm hoping it helps fill this big hole in me. I'm already /fit/ but lifting isn't really fun anymore.
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>>7814975
I work to support my family, even more so now that my dad lost his job. I just got covid, now I can't work so much this month so I can send money home
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I recently managed to unfuck my life after it was fucked pretty bad by covid. I'm sure a lot of the posts in this thread will be negative but I'm actually doing pretty well right now.
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>>7814975
I have no choice but to keep going, even if it sucks theres no room for being a pussy
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I have pretty much nothing that I care about.
I'm not sure how I keep on going like I do.
Maybe my resilience is a bad thing, I know I have nothing to live for but I want something so I keep looking.
I'm talking to a girl right now, we seem to be getting along. I've never been in a relationship before and when I think about maybe being in one with her it makes me happy. It probably wouldn't work out though, I can't make anyone happy.
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>>7816374
bullshit. another guy feels sad for himself and can never make anyone happy..oh no.. bull fucking shit son.. your ass does a lot more than you think but your too closed minded to really comprehend it.
it seems that you do not lack the capacity to full enjoy life, but lack the actual embrace of some fucking change. dont fucking sit there and get rapture your mind in shitty thoughts because you choose to not venture into what you may suggest is "the horrors of the unknown". step up and out of that crap box you call your house and broaden your boundaries, explore new shit, who knows, maybe even meet a crap ton of people who you can be friends..some so freaking eye level with you that you'll be more like family.
remember, this shitty life is selfish and nothing really just falls into our lap... so get out there and find it, where to start looking... everywhere from new places you never fucking seen, to things youve walked by everyday but never noticed.. appreciate that shit.
more importantly, do it right mutha fucking now .. stay humble,, stay awesome and as always .. keep having fun
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The best time to plant a tree was ten years ago. The second best time is right now.
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>>7816416

Have a tree for your tree planting thought anon.
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I have a horrible home life which isn't being helped by being forced to quarantine for 10 days by work because a family member got the kung flu. Literally can't relate to anyone in real life because of my political and now new found religious beliefs that i'm struggling with. I was an atheist for 7 years and a satanist for a while, but have recently rediscovered my faith in Christianity and no one around me can relate or empathize including my own girlfriend. I do love my girlfriend immensely and she makes my life very tolerable, but when i imply anything to do with it she scoffs. It's all been an uphill battle lately. This isn't me complaining or anything i can deal with it, just what weighs my mind. Thanks /wg/
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>>7815330
I was somewhat in this position a couple of years ago so I might have some advice. After high school, I became far more sociable but it made me regret that I had missed so many of the quintessential teenage experiences like relationships and parties. I let the regret eat away at me and it damaged my mental health. Like you I never wanted to burden other people with how I was feeling because I didn't want to come across as self-pitying.
If I can offer any advice it would be to forget everyone else. Their expectations of you aren't what define you. You are.
Nothing matters outside of what makes you happy or content. It's all mind over matter. you have the power to change yourself if you can find the willpower.
Don't let other people's ideas of what you should be, affect what you want to be. That doesn't necessarily mean "follow your dream job". Most people don't find their dream job. Try not to get caught up in the cycle of thinking work is everything. Instead, focus on being the person that makes you feel happiest inside.
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>>7816589
forgot to attach a pape
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I feel like I'm not living life like its supposed to be lived, sitting here engulfed in virtual surroundings. it feels so unnatural to me,but i can't escape it because its all i know. i know there's purpose to be found somewhere, but i don't know where to start
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This quote from John Newton - 'I know that my father loved me—but he did not seem to wish me to see it'
>>
Why are you all such perpetually depressed fucks
God damn I know life can be tough but do you ever have any positive thoughts
Or are these threads subject to the unwritten law that you may only talk about how bad things are in them?
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>>7816589
thanks anon I really need to read that
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I'm about at my limit with life. Nothing happened, which is kind of the point. It's been a slow burn into nothingness. I've been reading a lot of nihilist stuff lately (The Conspiracy Against the Human Race, The Trouble With Being Born) and it's been making a lot of sense. I just can't see a point to anything. My life is totally empty. I've written and scrapped five suicide notes in the past two months. I don't enjoy living but some instinct to survive or my own cowardice keeps me here. But I think those things are being worn down. And that both scares and relieves me.
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For me /wg/ is still the rare place on 4chan where it's actual people discussing issues and having solutions. The other parts of the website have been infected with mostly Reddit, Twitter, tourists and glowie fags. Also because of the pandemic, I do appreciate face-to-face interaction more.
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>>7815373
most male population is short and ugly anon. Autistic is just a plus
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I want every anon that posted to know I read what they wrote with full atenttion.

Mother died when I was 12. Dad became an ultra alchoholic, developed scirrosis when I was 15, the next couple of years it was in and out of the hospital, his diabetes got didn't help either. He died when I was 17. I stopped going to school. Failed 12th grade, (had great grade up until 11th grade), then failed it again (didn't show up again). To keep receiving government benifits I did an equivalent to finishing high school, where I basically just needed to show up. Then again to keeping government benifits I enrolled in private university (in my country private universities are the bad ones, since you don't need national exams to enroll), I didn't show up one time, I just enrolled because the cost was low and meant I could get benifits. That lasted until I was 24, which was at the start of the pandemic last year. Socially, my sister who is a bit older than me became a charicature, where she went from super normal girl first year of high school, into vegan, into full of tattoos, into STD's riddled commie. I used to have friends in highschool, great good friends, but I intentionally started cutting them off because they would obviously ask about my life and I didn't want to tell them my trainwreck so I just pushed everyone away.
So as I said, 25, no family, no friends, no skills, no degree, no money, shitty highschool equivalent, Crazy how in the 11th grade my grades were super good and I was on a perfect track. Pretty sure it's too late to do anything meaningful at all. Have no motivation to study and do those +23 yo exams and enter Uni that way. Just watching the little money I have bleed away every month. I could still do something, but I just don't see the point. Will probably just drink up some courage and end it all
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>>7816890
Forgot pic because I'm retarded
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Sunshine
Sweet love my labor
Don't mind
I don't care no more
>>
We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead
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>>7816290
Getting into martial arts is alot diffrent then lifting, it's a diffrent community form a gym and is alot of fun. Judo and wrestiling beside being fun are also great tools in them selfs(not that others arent but those are just the ones i find most applicable).
Good luck anon i hope you find a good place to train at
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>>7816890
>>7816891
school or degree is just something people do now a days to fill in the gap to find out what they want to do and waste time, instead of actually being passionate about a subject and following their actual desire to learn. so dont confuse a degree or lack of with intelligence.

enter your mind on what you think is interesting, like truly enter it. rallying, racing, messing around with mechanical subjects, curiosity about electronics, mind expansion on the universe and the science behind it. those are a few of billions of things you can secretly enjoy but never know until you take a breath and realized what happened in the past has happened. but your time is no and to move forward to not forget, but to profit off of it internally.

will it be hard? yes. but will you overcome and find your inner passion? absolutely!
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I'm 20. I don't look forward to anything. The end is getting nearer and nearer.
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>>7814975
There is no me, I am what is, i am my play, I am my food and eating, I am my pen and I am writing I am sounds, my skin is full of tendrills, every square milimeter is covered in microscopical breasts every time I am not what I do. Was addicted for years, am free now, I broke myself and feel like I have died multiple times, guess I'll move forward with my eternal, godly joy, now that I have freedom for will
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>>7817611
Another one
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>>7815330
And what kind of man do you want to be? A good slave? Your anxieties are a symptom of your inner self resisting the mold that society is thrusting upon you. Live free or lose your soul
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Met my old lover in the grocery store
Snow was falling Christmas Eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve
She didn't recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried
Took her groceries to the checkout stand
Food was totaled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged
Went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn't find an open bar
Bought a six pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
Tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how

She said she'd married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn't like to lie
I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I
Saw doubt or gratitude
She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was hell

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
Tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how
We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence
Another auld lang syne

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
Running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away
Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain
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>>7814975

I regret buying this cereal, it tastes kinda bland
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>>7818534
Which cereal?
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I really hate my marketing job. I just chose marketing in college because I did terrible in physics and chemistry in high school even though I was planning to be an engineer. Now I'm watching my friends have great high-paying jobs in engineering, programming and medicine and I hate my job where I make half of what they are making.
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>>7816451
that's what the thread is for, anon. You don't have to be on the verge of suicide to say what's on your mind
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>>7818534
i'd regret that wp not being a png
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thanks for the thread bros, needed to read a lot of the stuff here.
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>>7818540
Cinnamon Cheerios
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>>7818910
The apple cinnamon? I haven't had those in probably twenty years.
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There was a woman with whom I was going to have a child. The doctors then told us she would miscarry, then a week later that the baby was still alive, and then a few days after that the baby miscarried for realsies. It was very hard on both of us, but especially on her. I tried to be there for her to help, but I didn't do as good as I would've wanted to, and to be quite honest I was numb and dead emotionally due to the whole affair.

The first thing that happened, after we found out she was pregnant, was that she had a minor psychotic episode. She forgot who she was, who I was, started rambling about butterflies, was scared I would hurt her, and had a 5-second memory. I managed to ground her after a few hours of repeating a mantra of who I was and that I loved her. I don't blame her for the episode, and I guess I am slightly proud of myself for managing to help in that at least.

But we had a host of other issues. We broke up, and it hurts me that she still hates me and believes that it ended because I would've wanted to party, do drugs or meet other girls. This was fully not the case, but I understand that she would get that impression. Still, it hurts to think that I left her in that belief and that that is what she thinks of me. I suppose I should not bother myself since it's not relevant to me anymore, but it hurts and sometimes I wish I could explain it to her, for her sake and for mine.

I've been dating again since we stopped seeing each other, but I haven't felt any very strong connection with someone yet in a way that would last, but maybe it will come one day. I guess I should try to be hopeful, but there are better days and worse days.
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>>7819427
Don't assume that she hates you or will hate you forever. I broke up with my first girlfriend under pretty terrible circumstances. She was illegally living with me in a house share, she had no job or friends after finishing uni, I was doing all I could to support her but she was rapidly becoming depressed as her visa was due to run out with no means of extension. I started getting stomach pains and thought it was just an ulcer from the stress. Happened to ask a doctor about it while she was getting checked for something else, turns out it was appendicitis, and I was rushed to hospital to get that sucker whipped out. She stayed with me at the hospital as long as she could and was there first thing in the morning after my surgery. I was in a lot of pain, even though it was keyhole surgery - couldn't shit for days, partly due to the codeine, partly due to cut up abdominal muscle. I left her to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks, in which time I just broke down, exhausted from supporting her and finally defeated by the appendicitis. I broke up with her over the phone, telling her to leave before I came back. She refused. I went back two weeks later and, amidst a lot of screaming and crying, she agreed to move out. I tried meeting up with her a few weeks later to see if we could still be friends (first break-up delusions), but it didn't go well.
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>>7819427
>>7819437

5 years later, she messages me out of the blue saying she's in the area seeing a friend. I decided to meet with her, partly out of guilty conscience for how terribly I had ended things. I began having these strangely intense erotic dreams about her in the run-up to meeting her and I was worried about old feelings resurfacing, but when I saw her I was shocked by how.. unattracted I was to her. Not that she was repellent - it was just the complete absence of any romantic or sexual attraction I had once held for her. We had a couple of dinners, caught up with each other, I showed her around town. All pretty friendly. On her last day, I walked her back to her AirBnB and we hugged when saying goodbye. The hug lingered - but I ended it, said goodbye and left her.

We exchanged messages for a while afterward, but it fizzled out. Nonetheless, I was glad I did it. It was extremely cathartic and completely took me by surprise. She had spent 5 years on my mind as a painful memory, and just like that the burden had been lifted. She seemed happy, had a good job. People move on. The pain which burns hot and fresh in the wake of a break-up is forgotten, and we are reminded of the good of the relationship in time (a little too much in her case).

One last thing. I had asked a lot of friends and family if they had ever willingly met with an ex before and none of them had. I was often asked in return, "why would you?" Obviously, if your ex tried to stick you with the kitchen knife I don't recommend it, but anything short of that and you might be surprised. It might be more healing than 6 months of therapy.
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Things are going well, and the perspective I have now in regards to how I was treated in the past, as well as how I had treated others in the past has been eye opening. I truly feel like I want to better myself more and help those whom I love out more so, and I feel like I'm getting there. Learn when to forgive yourself and when to use your failures as lessons. I really love her anons, and I want to thank truly the board I go to most for helping me. We can make it boys, but that does mean that we've gotta try.
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>>7819437
>>7819442
Thank you for the sentiment, anon, but she told me very distinctly she hates my guts when we broke up and then basically confirmed it after I tried to get back in contact at a point. Which was a bit silly of me, looking back at the whole thing.

Love sure does have a way of ending very wrong and very bad

Glad to hear she did well afterwards, and good that you got some of your own catharsis and resolution. Maybe something we'd wish for a lot more in love are those endings where you feel that it truly is an ending.
>>
I have a small penis. I'm in a sexless marriage because I'm so ashamed of it and the guilt I've carried for over thirty years. I love my wife dearly but I am in love with my best friend. I could never make a move on her for fear of being unable to satisfy her sexually. Unlike a lot of problems there is no solution, no hard work or dope cure. I've been suicidal over it as far back as I can remember. I hate myself and wish I were dead. I can't discuss this with anyone.
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I was pretty miserable from about 17-22; those years seemed to stretch on for so much longer. I had crippling depression and anxiety issues, no self-esteem, no confidence, no self-worth, no plans or goals for my future because everything seemed beyond my potential, I was losing all my childhood friends due to hiding away, I botched many romantic opportunities and god knows what else. Things just seemed bleak and confusing. No job prospects due to the anxiety, no education due to dropping out of university 3 times, gaining nothing but debt from my time there (again, anxiety). What the fuck did I have going for me? I was so convinced that nothing could possibly change. As much as I couldn’t see what the future had in store for me because I was so lost, at the same time I could clearly see it playing out in my mind every day and it was always a miserable mess of loneliness, eventually resulting in becoming an hero when things became too much to handle.

I can’t say exactly what started the change as there were a number of different events and factors that kicked off seemingly out of nowhere and began to pick up momentum. It led to getting a girlfriend, which led to moving out of my parents house, which led to learning to drive and getting my first car, which led to getting my first real job, which led to buying our first house, which led to getting engaged, then getting married. I still can’t quite believe that I am living this life that I thought could never be possible for me.

What I want to say to other anons in a similar position to how I was back then is to hold on, cause you never know what might change for you and turn your life around completely. It may seem so utterly hopeless right now, but life is not as predictable as you think. If you think you know what the future has in store for you, you are wrong.
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>>7820027
That's a hell of a turnaround. Hope you and your wife are happy and that you spend time building memories. Time is the only thing that matters. It's the most valuable thing someone can give. What else is there? You can't take anything with you. Enjoy your time with her and devote yourself. Write down the things you did together that brought you joy. Do not let your memories burn away early because they will as time goes on. Make every single second valuable; if you are not doing what makes you happy then you need to build toward that happiness. Overload yourself with moments that seem "not too important."

I watched a video the other day of some guy giving an interview. The exchange went (loosely) as follows:

Guy 1: How old are your parents?
Guy 2: 75.
Guy 1: How often do you see them?
Guy 2: About twice a year.
Guy 1: So let's say, for the sake of argument, that your parents live until 80, so five more years. You might think to yourself, "Wow, five years is a long time. I've got five more years to spend with them." But what you really have is ten more visits.

I can't tell you just how much that two minute talk resonated with me. It made me want to get the fuck out there and DO IT. Because it won't wait for you. My best friend lives about nine hours away. If I see her twice a year, well... see where I'm going? It might sound like I'm ragging on you but I promise I'm not. What you've done is a great achievement and something for others to strive for. To move forward when you truly thought you were at the bottom.

I am very proud of you.
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>>7815403
not the guy you're answering to but these are really good questions. You must be some kind of management coach because I've heard some frame questions in a similar way.
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>>7820027
Damn brah Im 22 and in that place right now this gave me a bit of hope thank you anon
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>>7818911
Nah it was just Cinnamon, no apple
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21 year old kissless virgin, i have tons of female friends but i just cant figure out to how approach women in a social setting
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i felt in love so hard and so quickly

ive never felt like this before, this is so intense that i don't want to masturbate anymore because i think to much about her

we didnt know each other until some teacher told us to do some stupid games to feel confortable with each other.

we had to stand together on a newspaper and i had to do it with her. it was like a hug but in a better version. we tried not to fall by holding onto each other.

then we had to introduce each other to the rest of the group after asking about their partner's life

i could have been with someone else, these games was pure randomness, but i feel like we are always together and attracted like magnets

best day of my fucking life
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>>7820237
Just befriend the girls without trying to fuck them. You hook up with the friends of the girls you know, not directly with your own friends
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In a relationship with a girl who…. Is always complaining about something. She’s the kind of people who is sick of everything… she can’t eat this or that because it hurts after, she can’t be in the sun too long, she doesn’t tolerate dust because starts turning all red and itches. She believes she is sick of everything she reads online, she’s got random anxiety attacks which I believe are fake just to get attention. I don’t know what to do and I hate that.
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>>7820674
Either focus on getting her better, and fight hard to do that

Or don't
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Tired of the constant push/pull. Tired of being in love with my best friend. Tired of living in general.
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>>7820679
Saved
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Thats a field of red flags boy. Run like hell.
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>>7820674
Communication is key.
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>>7819493
>but that does mean that we've gotta try
nice
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>>7815250
for dust thou art, and unto the dust from whence thou wast taken, thou shalt return
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I want to fuck yet I cannot
such is life
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You've been thinking about the time
You've been dreading it
But now it seems that moment
Has arrived
She's at the edge of the bed
She gets in
But it's hard to turn the opposite
Way tonight
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Why did it take me so long to start getting my shit together and what fucking nerve do I think I have to get in my own way now?
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>>7814975
I made this earlier over my cat. Yes it's poorly edited, but it made me laugh and made my day.

Learning to appreciate the simple things and life, as well as be kind to myself as I am to others.
>>
She's going to call tonight.

Right?
>>
Should I go through with it..?
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Another year of sadness.
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I should start journaling again
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I'm happier than I used to be and when I get into a funk, it seems not to last as long. I still waste a lot of time and fuck up a lot, but I'm less concerned about my flaws and more excited about my successes. But I still feel like I'm far from being the man and writer I want to be.
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>>7816146
Don't fool yourself into thinking you have an abundance of insight into what other people are like under the surface, or your low expectations will sap any joy you get from working to understand others. Without real effort, many people aren't going to show you you anything but the shallowest parts of themselves, and many won't see much more than those parts of you.
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>>7822083
I feel exactly the same way, anon. I've moved far from the ebb and flow of mania & severe depression i was caught in earlier this year, and, though my peaks are still just as enjoyable, and my lows are mitigated, I still feel... something missing. I'm distracted and unfocused often, and, though I've been writing every day, or at least most days, they are fragmented pieces, often without the very specific wording I strive for.. maybe I need a change of pace, or a change of place.. was thinking about going for a quitting waging, going on a road trip, and just trying. Being. But I still have many other things keeping me pinned down for right now. Either way, hope you can make whatever goals you're endeavoring to in writing. Cheers.
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>>7822094
Its an interesting idea, dropping everything else for the craft. You hear stories about how it forces people to write and write well. But I'm not all that convinced - I don't think that isolating myself from all but the most "existential" experiences will make me want to write more than I already do. I think its more a change within than without that works with these sorts of things.

Oh well. I'm working on an outline that I like, and I just hope that my resolve with this particular idea holds steadier than it usually does. Good luck with whatever choice you make in the end and trust that you'll know what is right for you.
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I broke every thing I love
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>>7814975
Sometimes I worry that this board is my best friend. But the worst times are when I worry that this board is my only friend.
>>
Interviewed for my dream job working on launch vehicles. Will be very sadge if I don't get.
>>
>>7816788
Find something you enjoy and focus on the people around you. Odds are death is the ultimate release from the human psyche. We're all just matter anyway, make use of it all.

Make what you can of what you've been given. You could be a fuckin' dumb ass june bug or something.

Hope you figure it out Anon.
>>
You, you are so special
You have the talent
To make me feel like dirt
You, you use your talent
To dig me under
And cover me with dirt
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I have no mind nor thoughts.
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>>7816788
>I've been reading a lot of nihilist stuff lately
do yourself a favor and stop. even if nihilism weren't nonsense, it's still poison.
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I'm in a way better place then I was a year ago.Getting my dream education, moving out soon, got an amazing girl. Last year was absolute shit but I got mine together and left that place. It's possible. Start now, thats the hardest part. Once you're on the way it only gets better.
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I feel like the worlds going to shit guys. It seems like every year is more clownworld and honked than the last.

I have everything I've ever wanted, attractive wife, we just moved into a new house. we are trying for a baby soon.

It's weird because I feel like I am successful in my own life, but the country is collapsing around us.
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A decade of my life was completely demolished because She "fell out of love with me" and "couldn't see being with me anymore".
Afaik no cheating, no reason to not appreciate "us" (ya know, had money, home, needs all taken care of etc). Afaik this was all due to younger persons (I'm sure you can just guess what kind of persons) she works with convincing her she was worth more than me. The abuse of myself and spiraling to "divorce" just went on and on from there.
I have nothing left to rebuild from, physically, emotionally, trustfully. All I do is work myself to the bone and come home and put nothing toward anything else. It's just not worth it if this is all you ever get out of the life you were building going tits-up.
I will probably be dead by year end.
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>>7822635
Anon if you truly believe your life is beyond saving, remember your current life may have to end, but that doesn't mean your body has to die... Live somewhere else, find a new job, or even buy a van and live as a nomad for a year.
>>
>>7822556
<3
>>
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i am so tired. my wife hates being a mother and she can't stand our 2yo daughter, she was diagnosed with mild autism when she was 1 and a half, and we've been taking her to therapy and we are stimulating her a lot, and she made some big big advancements, she talks to us, ask us for food, water, the stupid phone, she wants us to play with her and everything, the social aspect is kind of lacking outside the family environment but that will settle in a few months once she goes to kindergarten.

But my wife is totally tired, she can't stand this family life. Sometimes i hate her for that, she got so used to being used, ignored, to be seen as nothing more than a piece of meat, that now that she has a family that loves her, she just wants to escape. Her dad died when she was 10, so daddy issues prove once again to be one of the big reasons why this personality shit happens.

I love her, but she wasn't the right one for this. She just can't handle anxiety and nervousness.

>ok, but wtf do you do??

I'm working from home and I take her wherever she needs to, also if workload is light, i always take that time to play with and take care of my daughter. I'm always the last one to go to bed, and I do all I can to look after our daughter by myself so my wife can do whatever she wants.
I love my kid, being a man and having a daughter is the best thing ever. But my wife, she needs to go back to work asap (she works in the goverment, so she can easily never go and still get paid), but that will have to wait until october; fuck, i just want her OUT of the house
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I got married recently. Neither me nor my wife have any good remaining connection to our families, so we didn't have any big ceremony. We just had our friend who happened to be ordained initiate it in a cute faux wedding and that was that, it was really comfy actually. We're going to have a more proper ceremony with all our friends in the winter though. Figured we'd just do the paperwork earlier though to get it out of the way, and also so that we count as each other's next of kin in case something happens, because we don't have one of those otherwise. I'm 19 years old so it feels a little weird going into college having a wife who finished college a few years ago, but I'm really happy and thankful that I managed to find a spouse so early. And now I'm much more motivated than i previously was to finish school and get a job so I can support my wife and future kids. I'm the happiest I've ever been and every day she tells me how happy i make her. I have nothing but hope for the future.
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>>7822635
Don't neck yourself over some bitch. Seriously.
>>
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starting a big boy job soon. im an arborist safety auditor. hope i do well.
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My Mind Is Very Sinister.
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>>7816788
very good music taste
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questioning my sanity
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>>7822635
ever lived in Vietnam? what about Budapest? try that before you give up. do some new, ballsy shit.
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Oh
Will you let me spin for you the dream
Of my love
Endlessly unfolding
Through ancient nights of violent blue
Through days of old I've searched for you
I've stumbled into traps and mazes
On my way to your oasis
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>>7822602
>I feel like the worlds going to shit guys. It seems like every year is more clownworld and honked than the last.
Friendly reminder Twitter and clickbait headlines aren't an accurate representation of the real world.
The world was always shit, we just had no way of knowing before the Internet. If anything it's better than it's ever been.
This is just an assumption from my part, but stop caring so much about politics. I've been there, it's not worth it.

The ultimate redpill is realizing how futile your actions are on a grand scale and how meaningful the everyday interactions are in your life.
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Lately everything I've enjoyed doing has just been lost, I don't like playing guitar anymore, I don't like talking with my girlfriend anymore, I don't like hanging with my friends anymore. I'm scared I'm just gonna keep losing interests in things till I die and I'll no longer have anything to look forward to or enjoy cause it'll all be gone. I just want to do something that will make me happy, I don't wanna lose everything I enjoy.
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I'm a former neet. even lived out of my car for a "semester" pretending to go to school at one point just to trick my folks into thinking i was in doing things, milk out another few months at home after. I had a few friends, girls to talk to, just no direction in life. joined the navy trying to create something of myself. that was more than a year and a half ago. I'm a submariner now. just got back from my first patrol. four months of no contact, just being underwater. now I'm back on land for the rest of the year. I'm back on land now and more miserable now than ever. I have no friends, no family, no money. I have been on land for almost 18 days and have done nothing, seen no one or even eaten out. my room is small and hot. I think I made a mistake bros.
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I think I’m gonna make it bros.
Sorry life’s been a bitch to y’all. It does get better, if we allow it to.
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In my life
I'd not soften
Things that cut
And burn so often
But I sit
Think of something
Scared to face
The dying nothing
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I've cheated on every girl I've ever been with and at my age, I'm tired of it. I want to be able to just commit to one and be myself with them, rather than constantly worrying about having a back up plan. I want kids. I want to get married.
But I don't deserve any of that. Not really.
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A few days ago I lost my virginity to a girl I had no emotional connection to. Now I just feel nothing but emptiness and regret.
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>>7815756
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Lately I've been struggling to plan ahead. I started working full-time recently and when I get off work I just want to unwind. Weekends are spent doing chores and further unwinding, then the next week starts. I'm reapplying for a PhD with a 2022 start and know I should be getting ahead, planning applications, but I just feel like I'm lacking motivation. Something's got to change, but I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm still just adjusting and need a little more time before I can think ahead.
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Feel like I exist just because I have to because I don't want to hurt the people around me
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I wish I had the motivation to get out of this lifestyle I'm comfortable with that's going nowhere. I work, come home drained, go on the compute, sleep, wake up late, repeat since work is mainly at nights. The fix is right in the text I'm writing but I don't know how to start. Living with your parents is easy but man I need to get a start on something, a spark of interest, anything.
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Oh No
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I love you so much, Mary. I miss you.
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It's always the same
It's just a shame
That's all
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My girlfriend has no ass. Maybe it will be okay if I let her get implants and I will finally stop hearing her complain about not having a fat ass. I tell her that I like her body the way it is and that she doesn't need to get surgery. I don't know, I guess I'll be okay with it, it's not my body and if she goes through with it I might enjoy sex more.
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>>7820277
she's leaving next week

i didn't talk with her so much but it was cool

her birthday is soon and i will never see her again so i decided to offer her 2 bralecets in obisdiene i bought a long time ago but i never wear them

i'm sure she will like it
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>>7815771
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope shit gets better for you. All that stuff has done a real damage I could imagine.
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>>7816607
Welcome to the unloading dock. If much of us were happy, we wouldn't be in this thread. Seems like the type of place right now for people to vent.
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>>7820027
Thank you for sharing anon. What a hell of a turn around.
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>>7824804
If someone within themselves has a view of themselves that you see differently and especially a women. Only they can change it within reason.
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Then when I came home that night
To lie awake in bed
I thought of that old gypsy
And the words that she had said
And now I see with due respect
The more we learn the worse we get
So if you feel you've no regrets
Go have your fortune read
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I'm so lost and behind everyone in life yet i still retain the hope.
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I wanna be a hermit.





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