I was a shut in for most of my life until a couple years ago due to OCD.I'm 30 now and the loss of my entire youth is so unbelievably crippling I'm finding it hard to be remotely hopeful at all.Feel like I've destroyed any chance of happiness or normality I could have had and it is unbearably painful.I have made this post previously but the thread died and i'd still appreciate some advice on overcoming these feelings of loss.>>31508648
>>31516040I really know this feeling, as I lost my 20s and much of my early 30s. The biggest issue was a sense of humiliation at having so little to show for life. Rebuilding is not easy, but it is possible. I would recommend trying to get work in a new place - when you're somewhere different you can tell people whatever you want about your previous life. This job will probably not be ideal, but think about you can leverage it into something better.
>>31516040>i'd still appreciate some advice on overcoming these feelings of loss.Statistically, normal people are in debt and in bad health. At your age, 30, most couples would be going through their first divorce. Shit, 'normal weight'(picrel.) ain't even that pretty. I can spew a lot about why normality is not the wonderland it's made out to be, but let's reserve it for some other time; I think you get the picture. Normal ain't what the movies and Saturday morning shows made it out to be.Whatever circumstances you have right now, there is some advantage to it when propped against the norm. If you can just take an entire day not downplaying or talking shit about yourself, maybe you'd find some change of heart. Hell, I highly recommend not talking shit about yourself from this day forward — shit would do untold wonders.
>>31516040Same but it was entirely from family instead of OCD. At the same time IDK if normal is any better.
>>31516058I actually have been slowly getting better jobs. But I still feel this pang for lost youth and the more time I spend working the worse it gets.>>31516129Thank you anon this was very helpful. I guess in some sense I'm idealising the experiences of a select few and not most people. I especially like the last piece of advice about not talking shit about yourself. I find it hard not to view myself negatively.>>31516176I think anything that has held you back can produce this feeling. I don't think it matters where it stems from merely that you're experiencing it and it's a problem to be solved or dealt with.
>>31516040Relatable story OP Late 40s oldfag hereRaised military, moved a lot, no sense of childhood friends, no social life, just shuffled from base to base,Struggled in my 20s to get a degree , jold a good job, etcFinally started hitting home runs in my 30s after a lot of personal work.Wifed up a short stack hottie, job and career development built on pure raw knowledge and hard work, prepping for house soon. 30s can be a great time for personal development and getting your shit together.Make forays into being more socially engaged even if it's through simple things where you can be a part of a crowd. Renaissance festivals, st Patty's day Irish pub drinking, going to an anime/comic convention, attend a toastmasters event.I did these things regularly and now I've an enjoyable social circle that I can engage with at levels that don't interrupt my career obligations.
I lost my 20s and many years in my 30s because of abuse. I was in a weird family situation, bad economic ties, bad choices on my part, etcYou will never get over it. Don't even try.You live the rest of your life while carrying all the regret, rage, etc and despite this you still have a little hope of enjoying something anyway.
>>31516040I can't cope with my lost adolescence at all. Not sure what to do. I'll never accept that I lost it.
>>31516631Thank you for posting this. It makes me feel hopeful to some extent.How did you end meeting your wife? Do you still long to have experienced friendship and "normal" early life experiences? >>31516669This is a very defeatist attitude and I wish you the best anon. I can't image giving up trying to overcome the hardships of life. That in its self seems worse than the problem.>>31516996That is basically how I feel. What was your experience like?
>>31516040I'm almost 30 as well and the plandemic was the final nail. It's gonna be expected of me to get married soon, but I never had a gf so I've got zero personal experience with dating and relationships, if I got married later in my 30s I'll regret not enjoying my youth and will have kids too late in life. I believe 1 or 2 short relationships would be of help before finding the right woman to marry but it's not gonna work since I haven't been able to find them my whole life.
>>31518397>>31518397>What was your experience like?IBS since I was 14 years old, dropped out of school and became a shut-in. I could barely play video games or concentrate in general. It was not a nice experience to say the least. If I'm honest it was so awful I went mad long ago. By the time I was sane enough to process it all my heart was already broken. I have dreams of still being in school, memories of the time before everything went to shit feel like they happened just yesterday pop into my head throughout the day... I can't do anything because all I want to do is reminisce about the past. I hate everything else. I'm in my late 20s and the older I get, the more distant those memories become the more painful life becomes. I truly loathe it all.
>>31518466Yeah maybe just getting out there and having a few dates might do well for you. Idk I also have no idea how to get a girlfriend. My family have stopped expecting this of me but I loathe the pity other people feel for me being single at this age>>31518667This really sucks man. I have the same issue also at least with dreaming about school. That hasn't gone away after all this time. I wouldn't mind talking to you further about what we're going through but maybe not on 4chan. Seems like there's a lot of shared life experience. Do you have discord?
>>31518719> Yeah maybe just getting out there and having a few dates might do well for you. It sounded like an ok idea to me but I'm not sure if it's just my depression talking. At the age of 23 I realized I don't want to have kids, no matter how many nice things I remember, life is still a dark and ugly place and I don't want to force anyone in it, they might even have it worse. I just don't know if I'll be able to beat my biological urges and end up killing myself prematurely. It's less severe for us than it is for women but it doesn't help me
>>31516040I feel you too anon, I been feeling the same way. Especially turning 30 recently. It's time for you, me, and anyone to get our act together and put effort into our work. One thing I recommend is not to compare yourself to others or be jealous because that kind of negative energy can be use for better opportunities for self improvement.
>>31518773I don't think not having kids is a bad thing. Plenty of women are unable to have children and still want a partner. I think planning that far ahead is too much. Just focus on making friends and having a drink with a girl first maybe. >>31518816>One thing I recommend is not to compare yourself to others or be jealous because that kind of negative energy can be use for better opportunities for self improvement.This is so true but it can be hard sometimes especially when our culture values youth so much and how great it is to be young. What's your situation been anon?
>>31518816> not to compare yourself to others or be jealous Not OP but his us the hard part for me. Not 30 yet but I'm getting there and some people from my generation have kids already. What does help me sleep better at night is knowing a fuckton of them are lowlifes and that early 20s people are still kids but not self aware about it just like me a few years ago. Maybe we can live in the upcoming decade. If I go through with m6 plan to avoid having a family of my own, I'll try to help others have an easier time. Prevented 2 suicides so far
>>31518871> I don't think not having kids is a bad thing It's not but the regret and feeling like a failure is gonna fuck me up, I'm certain of that > making friends and having a drink with a girl first maybe. Thisvis good advice, I might date older women for a short while, just to have fun
It really is hopeless, isn't it?
>>31516040Life has been alright. Working a minimum wage job as a dishwasher for a big restaurant. I never had a car but work thankfully it's too far of a walk. Living situation is reasonable because I live with one of my siblings.
Typo. I mean that work isn't too far thankfully.
>>31516040It's even worse, Sakura. I never had anything to miss.
>>31518397Tutoring. Her and her childhood bestie were taking undergrad classes for nursing. Lol I taught her statistics using Skyrim. Good times I don't know if I long for the days of yore. I recognize that certain mindsets and life experiences I'll never know or understand how it felt (actually having "childhood friends" for example) and can wistfully imagine what that might have been like. Do I think about wanting to relive younger years with the knowledge and temperance I have now? Sure. What man doesn't. To be quite frank, I have plenty of responsability in the here and now of career/ life/ future planning that I don't have the luxury of free time to get lost in the shoulda coulda woulda of taking a different path at one fork in the road vs the other
What do you all think about making up for your lame 20s in your 30s as a man? Is it too stupid/immature/selfish? This would mean becoming a dad late in life, later than your peers and it would result in my kids dealing with my old age when they should live their own lives. I just can't get the idea out of my mind that my kids shouldn't be teenagers while im nearing 60
>>31518888What happened with the suicides? >>31518929Yeah I understand that. Seems like being more active romantically might lead you closer to finding a wife.>>31519401>I hope not. Hyuck hyuck hyuck>>31520222Why do you feel like you've missed your youth?>>31520252Relatable >>31520500This is a nice story.Would you say that your current life makes up for the absence within your youth?>>31520735What are you trying to make up for? What would that look like?
>>31516040Is this from a real game?
>>31521983I didn't mentioned I missed my youth. Since you mentioned, I rarely do. I mostly grown out of that phase and just know I could still be a child at heart while taking care of my own personal responsibilities.
>>31520735I think that good benefit having a child at a late age is that if you have a strong bond with them you have someone to be there for you and won't feel alone knowing someone you raise is there for you all the way.
>>31522170The last fucking thing I want to do to someone is be a burden, I can't imagine being an old weak fuck and guilt tripping my kids into taking care of me, up until a few months ago I legitimately thought I wouldn't live past 35
>>31521983They're doing fine now, just 2 different dudes who had life that was more shit then mine at early age. They're supposed to get married soon unlike me though. In my defense, my own suicide arc is hopefully over as of last month
>>31522273To prevent that is to take good care of yourself now. Ourselves.
>>31523996It's just too much of a gamble man, I live in an ugly part of the world. It's been stable and alright for years but there's always a chance of terrible things like war or famine happening. Things I remembered when I was really young
>>31521983Oldfart anon back again. Surprised that the thread is still hereMy current life is...filled with life I guess. I'm way more social, have a loosely knit group of Irish drinking buddies, get to live semi-vicariously through the wife being a social butterfly. But I also get extra stress/responsibilities and have to put up with the iritation that is the wife's grabbag of childhood friends. Do i think it makes up for a lackluster childhood/tean years? Yeah I think so. I get to spoil the wife and introduce her to things and life experiences that have a meaningful and positive emotional impact for her. And I get a partner who actually understands the importance of making memories over acquiring material goods. She's a glorious muddled mixture of queen alpha bitch in the workplace and 100% turbo nerd reclusive who geeks out about new squishmallows being released.
>>31522114I have no idea I got it from a thread here like a year ago.>>31522154How did you grow out of feeling that way?>>31522732>In my defense, my own suicide arc is hopefully over as of last monthDang anon sorry to hear you wanted to kill yourself. What happened?>>31525639That's really nice to hear anon. Thank you for posting. That has made me feel a lot better really. Your wife sounds cool. Hope you both are happy together.
>>31516040Things ive learned in life as a 37fag (who also knows a lot about "lost time")-mourning the past is the biggest waste of time you can possibly imagine. It does not do anything at all.-your feelings on the past now are directly reflected in your present, and the present is the only time you actually feel/exper8ence. If your life sucks, the past echos and feels like it lead you here.If your life is good, it was all a means to an end and lead you here.Forget the past, it doesnt define you, it doesn't have to factor into your behaviour today, build something worth living now, and keep moving.There's also a tonne of treatment options for OCD. So if you haven't, you should really get on it.
>>31526545>>31516040Oh and relevant Chinese proverb:The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.
>>31525639>males up for lackluster childhood/teen yearsI always thought of it in terms of butterfly effect. If you're happy now, it all lead here. She wouldn't be in your life if you had a better childhood.The day my daughter was born (I was 36) in the moment all of it was erased. Every stupid thing I said, every embarrassing moment, every sin, every loss, every royal fuck up... had I farted differently one day, I wouldn't have her.The past just doesn't exist anymore. It's gone. Whether you're happy now or not can filter how you look on it, but it's a ghost, nothing more.
>>31526628You could just try, instead of being a silly-sulker. This is some of the most self-defeating shit I've read in a while.
>>31526518> Dang anon sorry to hear you wanted to kill yourself. What happened? I'll skip the details. Fucked up relations with people in elementary and hs, started actually living when I entered college, had dreams of becoming an engineer. That was cut short when mom got injured and I developed insomnia from stress, couldn't finish studies, had to take care of her. Found a shit job at some factory and worked with all kinds of lunatics and evil people before covid fucked things up further. Haven't been on a serious date and didn't have the chance to find a nice girl to marry and make happy. Probably won't either but I don't think I give a fuck anymore. Life isn't always worth living anon, God doesn't love everybody the same but not inflicting pain to those who care about you and the nice memories you might have make a reason to stay. Realized and internalized this in a bathtub with a loaded gun in my hand. Mom is alright now.
>>31516040I wasted my adolescence keeping myself closed off from other kids my age out of a completely retarded sense of superiority drilled into me by my mom (I thought that the other kids were stupid sluts for dating at fucking thirteen). I literally had two girls approach me at the same time and I turned both of them repeatedly, the worst mistake I ever made. But then that superiority turned into a massive sense of inferiority after I moved and got hit with depression + a deep insecurity over knowing that I was autistic. All it did was give me social anxiety and I became too shy to ever pursue friendship despite trying to be less guarded around people during the last two years of high school. Before I graduated I knew that I had done it to myself by being too closed-off from everyone else and fearing intimacy but also that was already too late. Now I have no contacts outside of my own family at all at 26 because I failed a bunch of critical development milestones.
>>31526776> I failed a bunch of critical development milestones. You didn't, at that age you've already seen other's mistakes and correct behaviors which means you'll get up to speed faster than you would at 17 or whatever. > School friends People don't generally love those they grew up with as much as you'd think. Many dudes of your age left their old friendships because they might have costed them something over time and would love to hang out with other cool dudes who have stories to tell
>>31526917>You didn't, at that age you've already seen other's mistakes and correct behaviors which means you'll get up to speed faster than you would at 17 or whatever.Maybe you're right anon, I've just always had the sense that something was wrong with me because I was given the 'tism.> People don't generally love those they grew up with as much as you'd think. Many dudes of your age left their old friendships because they might have costed them something over time and would love to hang out with other cool dudes who have stories to tellI managed to avoid the thing where people fall out with each other after graduation so there's that I guess. I know that any relationships back then wouldn't have worked out or lasted long at all but I wish I could have had the experience and had something more direct to learn from.
>>31527190I'm in a similar situation, year older than you. Had some solid attention from attractive but crazy girls but I chickened out before laying them, which might be a good thing in retrospect. Best course of action is hire a whore to get it out of your system than go look for inexperienced younger women to date and marry. Knowing her dad beforehand and befriending him will be a big advantage. Just don't ever tell women you're inexperienced, never do that
>>31516040>"I cannot remember the books I've read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me.” —Ralph Waldo EmersonAll the experiences you've had up until were important for you development. Channel that melancholic feeling into kindness for other or into other forms of self expressions. You can start writing, painting, playing music, even work out or whatever. It's never too late to start dreaming.You can raise a nice kid who's hopefully never going to suffer the same way you did, make them experience what you couldn't. Basically try to be the best version of yourself, outside and inside. Be somebody people will remember. Nice things will then start happening to you.I used to long for olden times and felt down about the myriad of wasted opportunities but things got better, I became a better person and got myself a girlfriend and now lead a very pleasant life. I am grateful for every second of my youth wasted as it is, through a succession of events (or lack thereof), what made me meet her. I see it as fate. The world isn't kind to the lazy.
>>31527816> I am grateful for every second of my youth wasted as it is Why's this the case? I mean you would've been as positive as you are today without wasting it
>>31527976That anon put it nicely: >>31526563If I didn't waste it the way I did I most likely would've met somebody else, on top of being a drastically different person (most probably for the worse but who knows).The reason why somebody would feel bad about their past is because they'd keep comparing it to their perfect vision of what their life should've been like. But the truth is that when a positive life changing event occurs, you end forgetting all about it and end up being grateful for what life has given you.If I were give a choice between restarting my life but having eventful experiences, but with a high chance of never meeting the one I love vs restarting the exact same life then I'd choose the latter.
>>31528046Thanks for the reply to both of you, I'm the anon who talked about suicide earlier ITT and it does resonate since I could have been a different man now, although I would likely have been a better man today. > The reason why somebody would feel bad about their past is because they'd keep comparing it to their perfect vision of what their life should've been like. Makes sense but it's too hard to change this though process > But the truth is that when a positive life changing event occurs I'm unsure what to think of this, I still believe your past shadows you and defines who you are, in a good or in a bad way > I were give a choice between restarting my life but having eventful experiences, but with a high chance of never meeting the one I love vs restarting the exact same life then I'd choose the latter. I would restart mine, fix the mistakes I've made. Live and enjoy living when I should have. Tell those I miss and I cared about that I'm sorry.
>>31528312No problem, I sincerely hope things get better for you. And I mean sure your past shadows definitely define who you are but if it means anything then just know that, at least for me, my thought process significantly got rewired in no time after that positive life changing event I was talking about. No effort was needed on that part, thinking of what could've been suddenly became a foolish notion overnight. I'm the same man, but happy and remorseless.It's just a matter of seeking that special thing out, and it takes tremendous effort, but once you're in the right path it's up to you to *not* make a conscious effort to go back to your old ways and keep moving on with your life.
>>31528421I guess I should think more about the positive influence I've had by taking the "loser" path in life but I don't know how to analyze it by myself Still it would've been better if I were a successful asshole who decided to be more humane than this but fuck it I'm not 30 yet
This has been a good thread ngl ong frfr
>>31528584>I don't know how to analyze it by myselfThat's the thing, you're not supposed to understand it yet. The path you took will always be the loser path for as long as you stay on it. Through great effort (or sheer luck), once you're out of that path, you'll realise that there was no such thing as a loser path. It was just the path you took, and since it got you where you are today, it was a good one, not an easy one.Basically you need an outside factor to show you the result of your hardwork. The result of the life you've led thus far. For me it was my girlfriend, for the other anon I quoted it was his kid. At this point you get a new beginning in life, a very specific one that could've only been achieve through the life you led.
>>31528648I just wish I talked to my grandparents more and that I had an actual girlfriend I can share youth with. That shit will always haunt me
>>31528733In that case I think you should just try to get yourself a girlfriend. It certainly won't erase the regrets you feel over your grandparents but it'll greatly disminish the pain, as for sharing youth with her, that feeling will be obliterated, trust me, you'd just be happy spend time with her in the present moment. That's what worked for me at least, and she's even older than I am. At worst you'd get yourself a girlfriend, and that's guaranteed to make you feel better in general (granted she's not a bitch). Good luck to you
>>31526726Damn
>>31527673>Best course of action is hire a whore to get it out of your system than go look for inexperienced younger women to date and marry.I'm not really in a rush to lose my virginity or get into a new relationship since I've been trying to defeat my own self-loathing and get other shit sorted out first. I don't even my own income or transportation to meet a hooker anyway since I'm stuck at home as a NEET. I wouldn't really go for younger women specifically since I'd prefer to have someone close to my age or slightly older.
>>31516040 https://voca.ro/1oBqTSdTnzdX
>>31530160Just do it man, don't mention it to anyone and go on with your life, Jeebus betrayed you by not giving you an advantage with girls in the first place
>>31526545Thank youI haven't had the money to get treated for most of my life because I couldn't hold down a job. Now that I have a job I'll try and scrape some money together.>>31526563This was beautiful anon.>>31526721You made him delete his post fool. The man was suffering.>>31526726Happy to hear about your mum. Why can't you still become an engineer?>>31526776Yeah I had a similar thing with girls. Except for me it was a combo of low self esteem and catholicism. If I didn't want to marry them I figured I shouldn't date them. No one ever had a real talk about dating with me.>>31527816>You can raise a nice kid who's hopefully never going to suffer the same way you did, make them experience what you couldn't.I spoke to a women at work recently who maintains that if you don't achieve what you want in life you'll punish your kids for it. This is one of my fears. >>31530241This is correct advice I will however say that a couple of years is nothing compared to such a massive and formative portion of a person's life. I'm struggling to overcome never having experiences the fundamentals and feeling like I'm doomed to be in this stunted version of myself forever. Sure I can go back to university. Date a woman and maybe even have a few good times but there is still always a gap in life experience between myself and those around me. I feel like a refugee in my own country with no other exiles to start a fresh with.
>>31533167Thanks anon> Why can't you still become an engineer? Too old for that, too much mental strain to return to college and relive life I could have had
>>31533344Besides I've picked up various skills in trades over time, I can get by for now
