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File: robot overlord.png (1.24 MB, 1024x1265)
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/r9k/ is an imageboard where there are no exact reposts.

1. If you attempt to post something unoriginal, it is not posted, and you are muted temporarily.
2. The time with which you are muted for doubles with each transgression.
3. Each mute time is 2^n in seconds where n is the number of times you have transgressed. So, your mute time doubles each time you fuck up.
4. Backlinks, eg >>1, are not viewed by the robot. So "lolwut" and ">>2 lolwut" are the same post, in the eyes of the robot.
5. Gibberish at the end of a post to force originality may result in mod intervention (no BLOX posts please).
6. Images are NOT included in the filter, only text.
7. Your mute count slowly decreases over time.
8. You cannot post a picture without text.
9. Unicode is blocked. Sorry, too many exploits (Cyrillic letters, etc).
10. Posts require a certain minimum amount of original content in order to be posted.
11. Post sane, real content, well thought out replies, and mutes are unlikely.
12. The original algorithm was designed by XKCD:
http://blag.xkcd.com/2008/01/14/robot9000-and-xkcd-signal-attacking-noise-in-chat/
>>
/r9k/ has no topic, but unlike /b/ Global Rule #3 is in effect. In addition, advice threads and camwhoring/hookup/"rate me" threads should go on /adv/ - Advice and /soc/ - Cams & Meetups respectively.

ITT: First masturbation stories

>be me 11 years old
>hear of this masturbation thing
>decide to do it
>tell mom "im gonna masturbate"
>she says "ok honey" with the weirdest look
>no problems here
>go to upstairs bathroom, shut door
>touch peepee for a bit, get hard, confused
>this is taking forever
>whip out ipod, download wallpaper app
>look up "sexy"
>cum buckets, hit counter with cum
>tell mom i finished

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>>
>>28863102
no-one fucking cares
>>
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>>28863170
Wow thanks anon I really appreciate the input
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>>28863102
actually I'm using this cheap aliexpress wand atm, it was super cheap and small and it does it job okay but I still want that fucking giant wand.
>>
>>28863268
Yeah she tells me the wand is just unbelievable. Once we get our own place she'll probably use it more but discretion is key when living with parents. Good luck femanon and hope you get that wand soon
>>
>>28853831
Same famistani brother used to be really skinny and twinkish in middle school and would wear my moms swimsuits and look like a girl. Would jerk it in the shower when was home alone. Felt so good.Eventually stole a bikini from old navy. Those were some great faps. Too bad I am fat now still have a swimsuit fetish tho

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>having a great day
>aced my physics final
>drew something halfway decent
>seeping positivity
>walk to grocery store to get some good
>see reflection in door
>all positivity is sapped away and replaced with crushing insecurity and self hatred
>go back home as quickly as possible
>enter room
>shut off all lights so noone can see me
>chug benadryl so I can sleep and not feel anything

>tfw ugly
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>>
I was having a good night once and saw a photo my friend took of me I didn't know about. Instant depression and anger.
>>
>>28863478
In what way are you ugly?
Do you have like a deformed face or severe acnee?
Ar you fat, short, black?
A picture perhaps
>>
>>28863478
just get plastic surgery, not everyone can be as naturally attractive as me, but you can be artificially.
>>
Get fit or something
If you are gonna be ugly
At least be only ugly and not fat
>>
Go full /fit/ like me. I may still be ugly as shit but at least I got an 8-pack

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>have image of pornstar I want to identify
>use sites such as "namethatpornstar"
>image is instantly ignored because dozens of people don't know who Lisa Ann is

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I'm in my senior year of high school and graduating in exactly a week. I'm your average robot so I'm pretty much invisible to everyone except for the few people I talk to. I'm average looking, average height etc but legitimately autistic.

There's this girl in my class who I have liked for 3 years now. She's pretty cute but not one of the hottest, she is really nice even to me and isn't too popular. She's a bit tumblr though and she smokes, which is a negative of course.

I really wanna try to make her my gf but I have no idea how to even try, I just know I would hate myself if I never tried. Our graduating class will be doing a bunch of activities this week so I will be able to meet her a lot.

How do I approach her? What would I do to make her my gf?

>inb4 underage, none of us are
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>>
>>28861198
even then, it's more like 'holy shit i did nothing for x amount of time'
in the moment, however, it feels like forever
>>28861206
kek
>>28861258
i dunno, get high, smoke some fags with her
just have fun it's high school
ask if she wants to hang out or stay in touch after schools done
don't be clingy, just be real
you'll look back at all this and cringe in less than a year anyway
just make sure you have no regrets

good luck anon im rooting for you
>>
>>28859941
no man, what you have to do is be as light as possible
just talk to her as casually as you can
everything meaningful and lasting springs from these sorts of humble beginnings
>>
>>28860094
Talk to her? Like during activities make some offhand/funny comment about an activity and just get some random chit-chat going to build some rapport.
eg.

>They're not making it easy with this activity are they?
>That was fun wasn't it

Obviously dependent on the "activity". You don't have to be profound or hilarious, just say something inoffensive and maybe slightly amusing if you can think of it and start a channel of communication.
>>
>>28861403
Thanks man. I hope I can do this.
>>
>>28860055
Don't lie anon. Are you telling me you started posting AS SOON as you were of age?

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This thread is for your top-tier reaction images. Bonus points if they're unusual or rare.

Starting with one of my favorites.
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>>
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>>28863355
My nigga. This is now an original content reaction image thread
>>
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what do you think of this one I juste created (extracted from a video I found funny)
>>
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This is one I don't see very often. But I like to use.

He's saying like "what in tarnation bro?"
>>
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>>28863513
Ed Edd n Eddy > any american cartoon
>>
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Did someone say rares?

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I think the problem with you robots is that you've never experienced anything which is ACTUALLY painful and traumatic, so you have no context for the very minor inconveniences which plague you. From your perspective, ">tfw no gf" and "I can't afford every game released on Steam" are agonizing existential crises because you've been coddled and insulated from the real world all your life.

Your parents are doing you any favours, robots. You need to start exposing yourself to REAL pain, fear, and crisis so that you can appreciate how small and insignificant your robot problems really are.
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>>
>>28863273
lol sounds like literally nothing

Pussy war compared with Vietnam.
>>
>>28856294
>gets severely triggered by the mere existence of pathetic people
>calls other people's problems trivial
>>
>>28862571
>I used the word "shakespearian" which isn't even a word guys do I sound smart yet
are you retarded?

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Shakespearian
>>
>>28863490
>WWII
>Pussy war
>>
>>28863085
I concur, with the first sentence at least. I'd love to see it but it's so much easier said than done. It would first require widespread awareness, not to mention a load of people to champion the cause. Guess all I can do is my individual part, not inflicting emotional abuse if I can help it is a great place to start I suppose. Hell, I don't even really know what would need to be done to see it through but I do know I'd love to see it.

Someone who has traveled all over the world has told me that people in the third world are on average just as happy as first worlders though their problems are way more pressing, life threatening even. I think you're right with that, no matter "first world" the problem is it's significant to the person who has it. I don't like the idea of trivializing anyone's problems, they're problems regardless of how significant they are.

>theres still people who believe in females posting in r9k for any reason but attention whoring

Let me remind you faggots that no matter what kind of face or body a wonan possesses, she will and can still be worshipped by plenty of male, wake the fuck up theyre playing you like a fiddle anons
>>
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if you think that only you men can be bots you're certainly wrong

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>tfw eating is the highlight of my day

i reached a point of no return in my life
>>
>>28863415
At least you have something to look forward to.

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Can we all for a moment just appreciate how accurate this movie was at portraying a typical robot?
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>>
>>28863187
God damn this movie triggered me hard and nearly gave me a panic attack. Had to step outside and get some fresh air so I wouldn't lose my mind.

There's horror movies and then there's this. Holy shit
>>
>>28863411
ikr
So accurate it hurts
>>
>>28863366
Alright then, see ya, dickhead.
>>
>>28863366
>not even trying to hide the fact that he is sucking off 20 black dicks atm
>>
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>>28863461
>>28863495
FUTILE RESISTANCE!!! NIGGEST NIGGER REPORTING IN FOR NIG NOGGIN AND NOG NIGGIN FAGGOT

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Who /ugly/ here?

I am literally 26 and a khv because i am short and ugly.
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>>
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i am short and ugly too, probably autistic and also turning into an alcoholic

if there was a way to go to sleep tonight and never wake up peacefully i would do it
>>
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>>28862512
>>28863051
NORMIES REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

DAFDSAFDA
>>
>>28861568
>I am literally 26 and a khv because i am short and ugly.
add fat and neet and you got me
>>
>>28861610
i couldn't have said better my friend
>>
>>28863474
hit the gym faggot, you will look better and your confidence will increase and you won't be a neet any longer

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Do you think I'm cute?

fgsfds
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>>
>>28863203
hideous beyond belief, kys
>>
>>28863134
more weight and you're good to go

>>28863203
less creppy smile and you're good to go
>>
>>28863203
I just knew it would be this fucking face before I clicked the spoiler
>>
>>28863134
you look a bit like a monkey
>>
>>28863333
QUADS HAS SPOKEN

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I think I was gang stalked. One night, a year ago, two unrelated people who I had never seen before said "you are going to die soon." On another occasion some random stranger asked me why I didn't have facebook.

Watch this 15 minute piece about gang stalking and I'm sure you will believe it is not only possible but very real.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVjXtKLrBo8 [Embed]
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>>
>>28861598
>gangstalking

Dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard

No one gives a fuck about you OP, no one cares enough about you to stalk you. You are not important, you are not significant in any way get that into your head and stop being crazy
>>
>>28863285

Haha you're fake, I know *sniff*. Just give me the key already, I'm tired.

Freedom
>>
>>28863530
What? Explain yourself you rancid swine.
>>
>>28863498

*cough* just stop
>>
>do nothing but scratch your own ass all day
>"da illumantanty is out to get me!! HELP!!!!"

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Do you prefer anime girls or real girls?
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>tfw even if i get my shit together, all those years of fapping exclusively to loli have changed my mindset and tastes

Just last week i was babysitting my little cousin because sis was busy with dinner, i was just fucking around in memelands trying to have fun with the game, 20 minutes in i turn around to grab my x360 controller (these console ports and their shitty inventory not meant for mouse, sware on me mum) and i watch as she lifts her dress and starts nursing a doll she was playing with (obviously mimicking her mom, she nurses my other little cousin, 8 months old), i could see her underwear, blue with a ribbon on it, and her tiny pink nipples, i won't even lie, after staring for roughly 3 minutes i got hard as fuck, so i told her to sit on my bed and watch some kid friendly video on my smartphone, i had to jerk off in the toilet because my erection refused to die down.

She's 6.
>>
>>28863327

> those dry crusty lips

> definite cuntish attention whore personality

disgusting
>>
>>28863018

oh god please when when when.
>>
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>>28863340

Please take a seat
>>
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>>28860746
>>28860757
>pic related
>>28860775
>Maya Fey
Mah nigga! Still wondering what happens to her after Trials and Tribulations however...

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Who /bi or gay robot/ here?
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>>
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>tfw gay
>tfw huge slut
I met my boyfriend at a party and we had a threesome that night.
>>
Who likes masculine, muscular guys over femine, twinky guys?
>>
>>28863502
Me, and androgynous girls. It's probably why I fall for straight guys more.
>>
>>28863482
slutboys on r9k are my fetish, story anon?
a-are you a qt?
>>
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>>28863482
slut
let me fuck you with my virgin dick


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