When I was 5 my home was raided by terrorists and I was let go at the last moment. We sought shelter in a relative's house and then moved to an adjacent Middle Eastern country. Before these events, I was a normal kid, had both male and female friends, and was normal.However, I became weird and unable to socialize since the events. Got bullied throughout my high school years, and by senior high school I developed a sense that I was being spied on, which became so debilitating that I dropped out.My parents forced me to return to school and I graduated. They also forced me to seek psychiatric help and now I take 3 antidepressants and 1 antipsychotic/mood stabilizer.I don't have these delusions anymore.Anyway, I am now 26 y.o. and I am about to graduate from uni but I never had friends, never dated (virgin) and I feel extreme emptiness.My parents have aged badly. My father is certainly developing dementia, and my mother is full of aches and gets sick often.However, they reassure me that once I graduate and move out to another place I will get employed, make money, get fit, buy good clothes, take care of my fashion, etc. and become presentable and then I'll find someone to marry and friends aren't a big deal and how even if I had friends, we'd just drift apart after graduation and I've not missed out on anything. and how they got a nuclear option of arranging a marriage for me through their social network (friends, past coworkers, etc.) (I am against first cousin marriage).I don't trust the future and I feel scared 24/7 and I feel like life is a bitch. One day I am happy, the next I am suicidal.What to do?
I also keep swinging between thinking I still have hope and that I might be a trucel (incel).My looks are genuinely average, my height is average for my region, but I am weird (probably autistic), I can't hold a conversation.I also thought of this question just now: Can you guys tell me how to spend my time productively (solo) in my room in a way that feels fulfilling instead of surfing 4chan and YouTube? I feel empty. There's no use making friends now, since I will soon graduate and move back to my country, but I need to become "normal" again.Thank you
