Things have been going downhill since I graduated high school five years back, my dysphoria, loneliness, and all other shit have just been increasing, and now I don't think I can do this anymore for another year. Since I started HRT, the reality of dysphoria and being trans has settled it and it has just made me more suicidal, every day I see in the mirror someone who I wish was never born, I hate myself and know it will be years upon years before I can consider FFS and I will not go out in girl mode ever till that point. I thought I could repp on HRT, but it is awful; I am only 5 months in, but it hurts when people in class call me by my name or see me as a man. There has been no day in the past 6 months where I either have not cried or cut, and I don't wanna live like this anymore, this is no way to live. I finally ordered CBT stuff after researching resources and it should be here by mid-June, I am scared of it, but my fear is just because I am scared of what will happen and some stupid little hope I have but practically I know for years to come this will be life, waking up dragging to class and crying over bullshit made up things and doing nothing. I survived suicide when I was 12 because I was stupid enough to do it in the day with my parents in the other room. I wish I did not survive that, but I hope this time I do it right, I will be alone with my roommate gone for a month and my parents only call me every fortnight; I know the moment I drink it, I will start crying or regretting like before, but I will make sure this goes through. I am tired and empty of all this. At least I won't hurt anyone, I did not make any friends in uni, and my parents want trans people dead anyway and have said they would rather have me die of an overdose than come out as a faggot. I just hope it is not painful, and I can push through my fears and neglect any stupid glimmers of hope.
>>35515066just pass
>>35515080I wish I could, and I am trying but it is not gonna happen without FFS and other.
not sure how cock and ball torture is gonna help you but gl sis
>>35515066bullshit. they bring you into the world, and then they have a problem with how you cope with it, and want you to die? well, sorry: i will outlive you, I will twist the narrative of YOUR life to suit ME after you die, not the other way around. if you would rather see me dead than a "faggot," you're already dead to me. i will be pissed if you kys. you have a moral duty to spite your parents
>>35515138I really don't have that spite in me, I tried for so many years to change them, I thought I would live to spite all these people who hate trans people but it is tiring, I am sorry for being what I am, and if the only people who in whatever way cared for me want me dead, I really don't want this all anymore, they all are wrong, but I cannot just live in a vacuum I still somehow love them and I hate all the hate around just being me, I cannot see past it.
>>35515282you do have that spite in you, you're just choking on it. at least point it at the people who fed you the poison in the first place
>>35515066>I am only 5 months in, but it hurts when people in class call me by my name or see me as a man.Where you are now, you can't imagine what the bottom will be like. It's only after you have lost everything that you are free to do anything.
>>35515379You are right, I don't know where the bottom is but I know in the next few months to year it will just be going downhill as due to some factors I have to come out to parents and it will be shit for me in all ways and will materially ipmact me financially and emotionally, and I have to continue presenting like this stupid guy in work for a number of years at least, given if I get a job after next year, given I know this will happen I cannot bring myself to go through all of this and live like that.
>>35515445You are what, 22-24? They are rough years, just get through it. You are putting in the sweat equity now that will build you a nicer life tomorrow. People chill out, life gets better.
