>>35530245
im gonna kms
idk when but its happening
what should my last meal be

>>35530269
Well, first and foremost, you shouldn't kys.

>>35530245
awful
i am this close to ending it
etc

>>35530245
my biggest desire in life is to be used like a cumrag day in and day out and just be an owned slave to someone else...i look the part too, like an extremely effeminate quiet and shy boy and people can just sniff it out of me. but it feels shameful so i've never once admitted to it and i don't want to indulge in it at all costs. i've reached respect and competence in a high paying field and i've achieved pretty much everything else i wanted in life and i just won't admit to anyone including myself that the only thing i ever really wanted in life was to submit to someone bigger and stronger than me and just have them own me completely. honestly speaking i'm jealous of people who can be honest about themselves sexually but i can't because im so ashamed of it for some reason.

>>35530245
i've been obsessed with the numbers 5 and 7 recently. it's making me want to kill myself. relapsed into reading the ccru website like it's 2020 again.

>>35530245
i feel stuck in life and cant build up the courage to make any radical changes i desperately need to do. i want to get a gf, i want to become fit and stop being a soiboy, i want to stop being addicted to doomscrolling and vidya, i want to get a job, but i keep delaying any change and overthinking everything. tfw you are a 23yo deadbeat NEET college dropout 4chan poster, i literally live a hellish existence that is worse than what slaves in coal mines go through

>>35530332
whats wrong with a regular relationship? have you done extreme stuff before?

>>35530395
yeah and it was one of the most blissful times in my life.

>>35530280
why
i have nothing to live for and no desire to find something
the only thing i want i cant ever have and ive done everything i can to try for it and came up short
im old now and everything i wanted to experience is gone forever
im an emotional and financial drain to everyone around me

i dont really see how there could be an argument to be made for staying alive
i am fully aware that this is the only life that ill get
but imagining myself having to live out this slow torture potentially 2 more times is excruciating

>>35530245
awful, im thinking about detransitioning.

>>35530245
Pros and cons. I am in a wonderful relationship with someone I really adore who I feel like I can truly be myself around. Its going great and I love them very much.
On the other end Im having a hard time finding employment which has been causing me a lot of stress. Thankfully my rent is pretty cheap and ue covers it for now but its been difficult to say the least.
However, losing my job was for the best and pushed me into sobriety again which I am strangely grateful for. I was starting to use harder drugs again before I got fired but it was a wake up call I needed to get sober. 89 days sober today

I am the OP.

>>35530332
I understand what you mean. I sometimes have similar desires, too. Submission often sounds very interesting, to let someone else decide on things and to just follow them. I feel similarly especially when I am going through different phases of my life. I don't think there is any shame in desiring such things at times. I am not entirely sure why I desire it too, but surrendering to someone sounds just right at times. If the desire is too strong that it gives you anxiety and pushes you into depression, maybe you should follow it.

>>35530425
You know, I will talk about my family's experiences regarding this. My parents owned a company, and it went bankrupt. We were in extreme debt, and this economic hardship continued for quite a long time. I remember several times my parents talked to me about the denial of inheritance because they didn't want me to inherit all those debts. I had to write and sign some documents regarding them, etc. But my parents didn't give up and managed to resurface at the age of 50, mind you. They started a new business and are now enjoying some economic freedom. They paid all their debts and managed to buy a house as well. So it is never too late. You are never too old.

>>35530478
I am proud of you, anon, but how did losing your job even push you into sobriety at all? Shouldn't it be the opposite?

>>35530440
What happened?

>>35530628
too late meaning to be the gender that i want to be
too late to do the things i wanted to do
it is too late for this body and it is far too late for this mind

i wasnt referring to money i dont care about that at all

>>35530651
I told that story as an example of never giving up. Sure, you may be a bit old for transitioning, but aren't there examples of late transitioners as well? It may be too late for the experiences you want to have, but it is also just the right time to start preparing for future experiences you may enjoy.

>>35530679
i love when people dont have an actual way to argue against my sui lmao
i get that as humans we cant just go around affirming ideations, but its always funny to meet people that actually have nothing to say
its a bit less funny because they sometimes actually think they're doing something, which is peak delulu moralfagging

>>35530832
I was just trying to encourage you not to give up. It isn't moralfagging. I wanted to experience a lot in my life, too, but I ruined all my chances. Now I am living a completely different life and often think about what could've been. But I do not feel suicidal about all those lost opportunities. Do you really think there is absolutely nothing worth in this life to live for?

>>35530865
not a thing
not in this body

>>35530894
I think you should think this through properly. I am sure there is an exit for you that you haven't discovered yet.

>>35530918
im 10 years hrt and have had surgeries
there is not

>>35531230
Want to post an unsee?

>>35530245
Fucking terribly, I'm drunk, depressed and lonely. How are you doing, OP?

>>35531965
I am at work, running a simulation, and monitoring the threads, lol. It sounded so miserable when I put it this way.

What are you drinking? Why are you depressed?

>>35530245
When I was younger I had many friends. Then I transitioned and I was shut myself off and stopped trusting people.
Now it's been years. I look decent. People seem to be under the impression I'm a cis woman or don't care. People are actually nice to me and try to be my friend.
And yet I am galactically incapable of friend have regardless and it makes me sad and lonely. I thought dealing with my dysohoria would fix things, but forcing myself to shut off for so long makes me unsure how to navigate things anymore. I am kind and agreeable and it makes people like me but that makes me a likeable wallflower. I'm far better at being an acquaintance than a friend. Girls seem to make friends with other girls by lovebombing quick and early and clinging and that makes me uncomfortable and I end up ghosting girls who are nice to me. Guys tend to not make friends with girls at all. The only people I ever willingly spend time with after work are my boyfriends friends but none of them have gfs and are only willing to get slightly close to me since men don't like being friends with women.
I don't have dysphoria or discrimination as an excuse, now I'm just lonely because my own skill issue. It feels so dumb.

>>35532033
Well, you do have a boyfriend, anonette, that is already a huge deal if you ask me. I am pretty "friendless" as well, as you put it I only have "acquaintance". I only had 1 real friend, but now I have moved so far away from him that I am very lonely, so I just go back and forth between home and work. But for me, I like to be this way, I like spending time alone for some reason. I still socialize one way or another in forums like these or elsewhere, in games etc. I don't think you are dumb, it more looks like it is a choice.

>>35531981
What simulation you running? At least you have a job
>What are you drinking? Why are you depressed?
Just cheap beer, also found an old half-empty bottle of mead so might finish that later. Idk why, my brain has been broken since I was a teen.

>>35532208
It is just some Monte Carlo simulation for noise analysis. The results are not good.

I want to drink, too, but I don't drink on weekdays as a principal. I really want some beer now or wine, maybe. I don't know.

>>35530245
No joke, it's my birthday tomorrow

>>35530245
Doing good! I think I hit rock bottom, as far as interpersonal relationships go. Feels bad but I think I learned my lesson.

>>35530245
Got into a new relationship recently, feeling optimistic about it but the stress of realising I don't see a future in my chosen degree of study and the hrt effects stagnating has me feeling like shit, I'm already 21yr's old and i don't have the grades to switch course without taking a foundation degree, on top of that the only thing keeping me going was the "it will get better" mindset when it came to transitioning, but over a year in I'm starting to realise I'll never pass without surgery, and ffs may not even help me pass but just make me androgynous, things are looking real bleak atm

>>35530245
Terrible
I'm surrounded by people who pretend to care to prolong my suffering
I'm a nobody and unloved, when I die nobody will come to the funeral nobody will care and people will forget about me in a few months

>>35535103
What makes you say they are pretending

>>35533004
Happy birthday! I hope you have a great day tomorrow!

>>35533144
What did happen? Why did you hit rock bottom? It would be very nice if you learned your lesson, though.

>>35535037
What is your degree? I barely graduated from uni. but I still managed to pull through after that. Maybe your loved one will help you pull through.

>>35535103
Would you like to tell us more about it? What happened?

>>35535140
Thanks buckaroo! I'm officially 25..oh shit

>>35535167
Why "oh shit"? 25 is a really nice age!

>>35530245
It’s going on almost 5 years now, can’t call myself a repper cus I’m not repping but I’m not transitioning either, but living where I do it’s just not possible to transition, and I’m 26 this coming October , so even if I where to try it would only make me look like shreck mixed with bubbling Pepto-Bismol, not that I’m any better looking as I am now, my lot is a strange one, at lest there are others how are able to be happy, but for me it seems I am stuck in limbo, forever stuck with a worsening dysphoria

>>35530245
looking for fallout new vegas mods that let me play as an anime girl

>>35535193
>can’t call myself a repper cus I’m not repping but I’m not transitioning either
It is the same for me. I also feel like I am stuck in limbo, at least sexually. But I focused on other things to not get stuck in a similar dysphoria.

>>35535211
I was never able to finish New Vegas, lol.

>>35535240
I hope things go well for you freind, for me i fear when it comes down to it my dysphoria has grown to large to really tackle, Mabye if I was 17 again but I don’t see it happening now

>>35533004
Hope you have a good birthday tomorrow anon
>>35535124
idk.. i dont have ways of knowing theyre pretending, I just feel like people want whats worst for me
>>35535140
Nothings happened, I'm just broken and a bad person
i hate everything about myself, i'm ugly, hon, useless, unemployed again, forgettable, etc

>>35535276
Well, I hope it goes well for you, too. I don't know if I have dysphoria, was ever depressed, or anything because I never had the chance to go to a psychologist or a doctor and talk about any of this. So I just somehow lived through all of the use and abuse. I know it doesn't mean anything to you but I believe you can do it.

>>35535291
Why would you call yourself bad, though? I am sure you aren't that bad, ugly, or useless.

>>35530245
my range of experience is so much more constricted than i ever would have imagined as a teenager. i thought that by shirking convention i would find liberation, but instead im right back where i started. alexa play 2nd childhood by nas

>>35535183
Haven't achieved my dreams yet, want to learn and explore further the fundamental nature of reality, feel like I'm running out of time, wanna pursue more interests, write, read poetry..taste the sun and glow of youth for a while longer (a bit melodramatic I know) but now I'm officially in my mid 20s..

>>35535326
>I believe you can do it, I wish I could trust those words but I don’t think I can, not after everything

>>35535291
It is today for me, but thanks
Are these close friends, relatives?

>>35535326
I am bad, ugly, and uselss its objective
as for bad, I'm a innately evil individual, i hurt people around me and push others away
>>35535365
oh sorry, today then
As for your question, it's all my friends
sometimes I feel like they conspire together

>>35535438
Hurt people?
How? Is it illegal what you did/do?

>>35535438
Cause if we can get an approximate idea of what you did/do that is deemed evil it can explain your 'suspicion/paranoia' of conspiracy amongst your friends, this is the hallmark of justice btw, There's an aspect of the individuals subconscious if you will that's seeking retribution for its own sins if you will and thus has a 'waiting for the shoe to drop' mindset

>>35535466
>>35535497
Never done anything illegal no, beside diy hrt ig
as for hurting people,idk, I tell people to kill themselves, just said it earlier to a friend and said i hated all of them
this is only a response to my paranoia though, i've been betrayed before and had friends make or create groups where they target me

>>35535559
You're not evil, far from it, your equivalent to an edge lord and saying that to friends is damaging and hurtful but not evil at least not murder/rape etc evil. I would suggest you stop using such dramatic language (it helps put things in perspective) and come to terms with the betrayal of the past, don't let it dictate your present and future or you'll end up in a vicious negative feedback loop.
'Nature abhors change, fortunately us humans have the ability to change our nature'

>>35530367
Boy do I have a gun for you to do that

>>35530245
I’m considering going back to self harming again as it was the only thing to keep my dysphoria away

Not good. I planned on moving out of Texas two years ago, but my lonely lead into another state fucked up, so now I'm kind of stuck here while my money drains out of my account. Ill admit that I made a stupid choice of leaving my job early, but I was so damn sure i could do it. I left with $10k and now I'm down to around $8k. I feel like I'm stuck here in this state that hates me, in a town that I hate, my life is going nowhere, so I'm not having a good time. Most days I sleep the day way.

>>35530245
Going better recently, but, I know harder days around the corner. I'll face them head on like I always have. It helps having friends, to be the light in the dark for them that I never had. Cause there's only two options when faced with Darkness; Be consumed or become that which chases it away.

>>35535438
Who betrayed you?

>>35535356
I am sorry, but nothing else I can do. I wish I could help you all, but I can barely help myself.

>>35535353
That's an amazing aspiration, to be honest. Do you have specific interests? I, too, felt I was running out of time most of the time, but then I realized I guess this is how it was supposed to be.

>>35535977
I'm going back to self-harming because it's the only way I can cope with my extremely intense emotions. I need the endorphins and the pain to focus on, plus I just think I deserve to hurt.

AVPDX

>>35536758
Philosophy, math, physics, logic and starting to become more 'sensual' so poetry, literature, music and painting.
What are your interests?

>>35536970
I am an engineer with a Ph.D. and all, so a real nerd I guess. I am really into math and physics. I am also interested in philosophy, but I lack a lot of knowledge. I also like political philosophy.

>>35530245
idk why i even try when i look the way i do, desu. sometimes i can forget for a few moments how bad things really are, but all it takes is a passing glance at a mirror to ruthlessly drag me back to reality... so tired of it all...

>>35537007
If you find yourself ugly, post an unsee if you want, and let us judge/suggest things.

>>35536987
I'm starting to appreciate engineering in general and engineers. What type of engineering oh and well you can go on lit for philosophy alot of them are idiots that bicker but every now and again they say something worthy but I generally prefer ancient Greek philosophia like plato plotinus prophery,
What political philosophy are you in?

File: 1701960825445409.jpg (121 KB, 1080x946)

121 KB JPG

>>35530245
>How is your life going?
NOT GOOD

>Is there anything you want to vent about? Share your worries, insecurities, etc
There's a lot to vent about, but I'm too exhausted from thinking about it to actually be coherent. More than anything I just want to be reminded that I matter to someone.

>>35537095
Sure, you matter to us, just tell us about it.

>>35537083
I don't appreciate most engineers. I met and talked with some philosophers, political philosophers, etc. I really understand where they come from and their general mindset. It is literally the same as natural sciences.

>>35537503
Why don't you appreciate most engineers?

>>35530245
im really really bad at focusing on things oh my god ive wasted 3 days on this fucking stupid board i want to LEAVE and finish my stupid fucking short film about exactly this

>>35530245
awful
i'm ugly
money is taking forever save

>>35537599
Well, it is a bit hard for me to explain, and I don't want to sound like a narcissist.

>>35537633
I know you. I think you have an OK body. You have to take care of yourself better.

>>35537610
same desu. since i found this board a while ago, i've been spending too much time here. kind of like mental self-harm for me

>>35537661
My man, once you get deeper into philosophy.. you will meet nothing but pseuds and egos and we all unironically bicker about the best school of thought. (Psst mine is)

>>35537713
No, what I meant is that I understand the thought process, such as how the theories are established and how philosophers try to prove them, given the assumptions. This is literally the same as any other science work, like physics, etc.

I guess the poet anon left.

The anniversary of my mom's death is around the corner and even though she died when I a kid, I still have a hard time around the time of her death every year. I won't get into details of my family life because it's dogshit, but my paternal grandmother is probably going to die within the next few months. With the exception of one other person, she's the only person in my remaining family who accepted me. I'm visiting her this weekend which I want, but that also means I'm going to be traveling and spending time with people who I'd rather not.

Someone has feelings for me who shouldn't. I won't get into specifics, but it doesn't involve infidelity or anything illegal. I've known for a while and tried to ignore it. We talked today and it turns out it's beyond just wanting to fuck. They've felt this way for years and have tried to move on but can't. I don't know my own feelings, but I suspect it's the same.

I'm exhausted. I feel like I've been alive for too long.

>>35538224
Hugs anon. Shits rough.

>>35538224
I am so sorry for your mother and grandmother.

Why don't you give that someone a chance? It may turn out to be good.

>>35530245
I like someone im not supposed to. shes in a relationship already and i hate myself. Im literally a nobody in her life this is sad as shit. Anyway I plan on deleting myself 5 years from now

>>35530245

I'm older than most of you, a bi cis male. I want to be in a relationship with a man and I feel fairly close to pursuing it for the first time, but I don't want to inconvenience or harm any gay men because of what I really am. Also I'm an alcoholic and they make shitty partners and I don't want to inflict that on someone else. I stay away from others to protect them from myself.

>>35538239
Thank you. I don't really have anyone I can talk about this with. I've made a point of not relying on anyone but I wonder how long I can stay on this path.

>>35538364
My mother apparently had some pretty severe mental problems. I remember her being in bed a lot during the day when I was a kid. At night she would pace around the house a lot. Sometimes I still wake up at night because I think I hear it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know she was suffering, but I'd rather her still be alive.

>Why don't you give that someone a chance? It may turn out to be good.
Even though there's nothing illegal and we're not cheating, it's still considered weird enough that we'd probably have to hide it. I don't care about shit like that but I wouldn't want that for them.

>>35538427
I'm sorry. It sounds very painful.

>>35538630
>I don't care about shit like that but I wouldn't want that for them.
Maybe they do want it, too, though, why don't you be honest about these feelings with them and try to embrace them? Unless, of course, you do not want them in that way.

>>35538591
I've seen people struggle with addition. It's a difficult, sometimes lonely battle that almost by necessity needs some form of community. I'm sorry.

>>35538642
>Maybe they do want it, too, though
That's what they say. I'm a master at denying things until I can't anymore, I guess. I haven't thought about how I feel or what I want from this in years but you're right. I need to figure it out. I probably already know but won't accept it. I've always thought they were made for other people.

>>35530387
I'm one year younger and match that perfectly except I never made it out of highschool, I feel like you can still do good.

>>35538642
Also, forgot to add: thanks for the advice.

I’m half way to 30, I want to transition but I think it’s far to late for me, realistically I think I won’t end up looking even remotely feminine

>>35540655
Bro you're 25. It's not too late

>>35540771
How is it not ?

>>35540780
There has been a lot of people who have transitioned around that time that come out fine. The youngshit arguments are basically a race to the bottom where they only wish to have transitioned earlier and earlier. The hard limit is really high, I'd say about 35

>>35540792
Idk I’ve seen a big mixed bag on that one, and just knowing how I look I’m pretty sure I will end up looking more like a hon rather then anything else, just have the wrong build of body and face in those regard I’m afraid, HRT can do a lot but it can’t fix my ugliness

>>35540771
I know I am and sound retarded but thats how I feel right now at 21

>>35530245
i’m a 29yo str8 mtf, successful/fulfilling career, pass most of the time (tho not nearly well enough to be stealth). i’ve had a really hard time finding a boyfriend; i get plenty of matches / good convos from tindr, but as soon as i disclose they unmatch me. i’ve tried grindr, but all i find are weirdos or ppl looking for something casual. feeling kind of despo for a partner but no idea how to get one besides drastically lowering my standards. wat do

>con: aunt who is very probably on drugs moved in with me for the next month or so and is behaving hella erratic but she got addicted due to tragic fucked up circumstances and isn't an asshole just kinda loud at night so I mostly feel sorry for her
>pro: just lnaded a job I like

>>35538902
>That's what they say. I'm a master at denying things until I can't anymore, I guess.
this kinda hits lmao. it sounds like at least this guy/girl really cares about you despite how taboo your relationship might be.

>>35541452
it's not too late for your either.

>>35541452
i'm not saying lower your standards, but sometimes we have a mental image of our "perfect" partner built up in our heads that's so specific that we sabotage ourself. think very seriously about what you'd value most in a relationship. if there's a guy who's meets most of those but maybe doesn't have other specific, less important traits your looking for then give him a shot.

Is there ever really an end to dysphoria ? Because personally it’s just getting worse, the older I get the more I feel like I’m in a constant state of panic or melancholy

>>35530245
>Is there anything you want to vent about?
everything but my thoughts are all abstract shapes and numbers i cant english them

>>35542020
Art deco dysphoria

>>35541829
>it sounds like at least this guy/girl really cares about you despite how taboo your relationship might be.
They do. Sometimes I think they care too much.

>>35542106
Well, it means something. I think you should at least give it a try. It may complicate things, and you may lose a good friend in the end, but if you don't act, you may also lose a potential soul mate.

>>35542020
Just try?

>>35541452
Finding someone that "fits" you is nearly impossible, but I believe you can find someone that you can get along with for the most part. Do you even disclose you are an MTF in your profile? If you did so, maybe you can attract people who are okay with you being an MTF.

>>35542020
I had a hard time putting my feelings into words or even recognizing what I was feeling in the first place. I've been told I'm pretty "flat". But like the other anon suggested, try?

>>35542150
I have a hard time thinking of people as my friend, but you're right. I'll talk to them after the visit with my grandmother.

>soul mate
Now you sound like him. Ha ha.

>>35542291
>Now you sound like him. Ha ha.
Oh, so he thinks that way after all. Of course, when you get into a proper relationship, his thoughts may change. But it is worth a try, isn't it?

From my experience, after people open up and get denied, they lose interest, they find others who don't deny them, and previous friendships deteriorate, naturally. So even if you want to stay as friends, I do not think it is a sustainable relationship anymore.

File: 60587875_p8_master1200.jpg (61 KB, 600x599)

61 KB JPG

I think my boyfriend has commitment issues. This isn't a problem for me, or at least, it's usually not, but we've been living together for half a decade, moved states twice... But every time I ask about us getting married, he says he wants to hold off until his debt is paid off. He's either constantly concerned, on a daily basis, that he'll drop dead at the slightest breeze, or he's afraid that, for some reason, I'll leave, and I can't tell which is worse - or which one hurts less.

>>35530245
>24 y/o boymoder
>graduating uni, cs + math
>no job prospects cuz market is shit, no friends cuz commuter and socially awkward
>rely on gf for housing (her parents basement) to get away from family, but have needed a break for over a year
>infantilized/not trusted by her to live alone due to my history of sh and attempts, believed her at the time
>1000s of miles from home and cant rly go back, no friends, no future, stuck
>wanna kms
>flashback to 2019, met squeaker on overwatch lfg
>hes really shit and says hes a smurf
>lying ass mf, just like me fr
>he keeps asking me to play
>no friends so I keep agreeing
>hes an inner city kid from toronto, abusive mom, dad is in hospital far away from illness
>he loves his dad, hes an engineer, and always gets excited when I talk about math etc
>hes failing school
>fuckit.scf
>start mentoring how to do better in school, how to navigate and deal with homelife, help him with homework
>fast forward to now, he just got accepted to waterloo for electrical engineering, and hes on a fucking semipro futbol team as the star player
>im so fucking proud, this kid feels like my son
>whenever I feel suicidal/stuck, I think about him and it goes away

I’m WILL get a job to help pay for his education. I WILL succeed to help this kid. I might not be the best or most mature influence, but I’m so glad I could help this guy flourish. He worked hard as fuck, and I couldn't be more proud. I cant kms, I need to be there to pat him on the back and congratulate him when he graduates uni. This kid is motivating me to do my best. I wont let you down.

>>35530245
>How is your life going? Is there anything you want to vent about?

i sadly have a bit of both to say about, ive been reletivly free of dysphoria around 2 months now, ofc such moments of fredom never last, it didnt this time and it didnt the times beofe either, and as predicted dysphoria came back with a vengeance, its dificult to even discribe how unseteling and painfull its become, i feel like im sinking in to myself, like i just got news of a dear freind dying. i find myself at a lost as to how to function not helped at all with me considering everything thats let me down this path, i tried transisoning years ago, but the social rejection i faced from freinds and family scared me back in to the closet, i mostly tell people i am bi these days to hide any gender stuff. people how dont live with it day to day dont really understand it so ive found its better to hide it from them, less confrontation and less complication, i think everything has sort of stured back to the surface as a new freind of mine resently came out as MtF, i wish i could follow in there footsteps but i fear ive buried myself to far to ever try again, and being on the cusp of turning 26 this year im not sure i can even go for what i trully want, and its not like the norwagian health care system really helpes that much in this regard, either you are on the brink of kiling yourself or they dont care when it comes to mental health.

i find myself at a loss as to what to do, so i just sit here moping in my own self made suffering, i guess at the end of the day i fell the same as i did, i just wish i was somewhat normal instead of this, but i cant blame anyone but myself, i`ll go as long as i can, but i fear it may not be long alive as i want it to be

>>35542583
This is like the most insane self doxx of all time but idc I needed to share

>>35530245
I keep falling on my face with dating. I keep getting told I'm really nice and funny and sweet and interesting, but every time they end things or they never get started. And I really really liked some of them too.
Am I just ugly? Are they lying to me? I'm going to stop trying for a while because it's killing me.

>>35542316
Shit, I didn't catch myself and started using male pronouns. He was slightly drunk when he said it, but I think so.

>I do not think it is a sustainable relationship anymore.
I think you're right. We're probably going to be in each other's lives even if things don't work and/or deteriorate, but if either of those things happen, that would mean he could move on. He's a good person, so he wouldn't make things bad or awkward for me. If things got too difficult for him, I could always cut ties with everything else and run, I guess.

>>35542469
Wouldn't marrying provide you some extra security if he were to die? Unless you inherit his debts. Either way, it sounds like all the stuff he's talking about have the same root cause and it would probably take working with a professional to handle it.

>>35542583
This was actually nice to read.

>>35542718
Not the anon you've been talking to but may I ask whats so taboo about the potential relationship? Surely it can't be that bad, some age gap I assume?

>>35542583
That is actually amazing. Regardless, though, you should still do your best for yourself. If you can manage to save yourself, you can save others too!

>>35542611
I am sorry you had to have such a life. Dİd they socially reject you that much? How were the same people towards the other who came out as MtF?

>>35542647
I failed countless times with dating and relationships, too. I forgot the number of times I got rejected. I cope by saying it is more about persistence than anything. So I just keep trying. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

>>35542469
Men often are reluctant to commit before they achieve some sort of financial stability, or at least they see the light ahead, even if they aren't financially stable right now. I am not sure how this works for others, but at least, as far as I know, there is a well-established social expectation from men that they have to provide financial stability. I believe this is akin to, or maybe even more powerful than, sexual potency. If you are not able to provide financial stability to some extent, then you are not really a man to begin with.

File: EwYcrZdUcAAr-eu.jpg (530 KB, 900x1167)

530 KB JPG

>>35542718
Avatarfagging to keep convo consistent in multipost.
Marriage would make things more secure, and yes, he's scared I'll inherit his debts. I don't care - I've told him before if he dies and I'm left with his debts at least that's a part of him I'm able to try and hold onto. He's even paying for seperate insurance, for god's sake... I don't understand. Nothing he's told me would imply a fear of comittment. I'm so worried that it's because I want it, and he doesn't... want me, I guess. I know I need to talk to him about it but I don't want to make it worse.

>>35530245
i'm dirt poor and i hate it and i'm tired of everything in my life always being on hold for money even thinking abt surgery anymore feels hopeless. and i can't make more money without more education which i can't get without more money

>>35543065
>Dİd they socially reject you that much?
it did, my deepest freinds told me they didnt belive me when i was finally brave enough to ask to be called she/her, i had been out for years at that point but it had taken a lot of time for me to build up the corage to start being public about it, they started rejecting me when i got more public, havent really been able to recover since,not in any meaningful way, lot of years wasted i feel, but again cant blame anyone but myself, where i stronger i would have pressed on.


>How were the same people towards the other who came out as MtF?

the one that came out is in a new group of freinds, they seem more excepting, but i personally dont want to risk telling anyone there, betraly from my longstanding friends has more or less burned any trust i have in others to except me in any good way at least
my family situation is complicated, i have a loving mother and father dont get me wrong i just dont think they would ever understand or truly be happy with my choice, they where very confused the first time around, and i dont wish to see that type of sadness or confusion in my dads eyes again

File: IMG_4vsj7g.jpg (20 KB, 207x245)

20 KB JPG

>>35543065
We're both men, for context.
I provide a majority of the required payments. Rent, food, internet, I help with utilities too. I also offer a lot of my own cash to him - I've barely bought myself anything since I moved in with him. I'm the smaller male out of the two; do you think I'm emasculating him...?
Of course, all of this is psuedo-science, but it gives me something to think on.

>>35530245
bad
i want to kill myself i will never pass im too old to start hrt and be a passoid and i dont want to be a laughing stock

>>35543097
>>35543155
Coming from a family with experience with extreme debts (a couple of million dollars), I think the psychology of debt is something very different than just being poor. Especially for men, because they are supposed to be the providers, at least according to the common social expectations. I forgot the number of times I and my parents had to talk about inheritance denial laws and what to do, etc. The thing is, they thought in the case of an emergency, such as a death in a car accident, etc., they didn't want me to inherit all the debt. Just having to talk about these with my parents took a toll on us all, especially my father.

I wouldn't think that he doesn't want you; I think he loves you so much that he wants to provide a nice life for you, or at least a less "worse" life.

But of course, these are all my personal experiences in a "traditional" family. I have no scientific knowledge of human psychology in such cases.

File: 60294077_p15_master1200.jpg (113 KB, 600x613)

113 KB JPG

>>35543179
Thank you for your perspective. I think I'm starting to see why he'd rather wait - I did grow up slightly better off than a lot of anons here, so perhaps I'm viewing it from my own POV and not his. I will have a talk with him tonight, then, to get to the bottom of it if I can, and hopefully walk away from my anxiety with a better understanding
Thank you to everyone in the thread, and have a good day!

>>35543144
I think I understand the family part to some extent. I never came out of the closet, I always repressed. I have always been bicurious and have some cross-dressing experience. My parents found out about my stash several times when I was a kid/teenager, and I had to have those embarrassing conversations with them. I never had the courage to say I like it, so I just lied and said I use them for arousal and masturbation. I am not sure what could've happened if I just said I liked it. Would they accept it? They told me several times that they loved me regardless of what happened, but I always felt they would be really disappointed, so I always hid the truth.

>>35542647
that's real common, especially if you're using apps. it's an oversaturated maket and a lot of people have the habit of dropping someone they've been with if they think they can get someone who will give them more of what they want or give it to them more quickly.

>>35542972
been wondering too but they said they didn't want to get into specifics. it's probably either an age gap and/or one of them is a friend of the family in a way that makes it taboo. or maybe one of them's their parents' boss or something. or they're "family" but not blood relatives (i.e. in-laws, one's adopted, etc.). maybe they have/had a relationship like teacher-student, doctor-patient, lawyer-client. maybe their families are in a culture/community where being in a same-sex relationship or being trans still isn't accepted. or their familes could be on some real hatfield and macoy shit. the possibilities are endless.

imho, the taboo doesn't matter as long as they're both consenting adults, no grooming or abuse of power was involved, etc. they've already said there's no cheating going on and nothing illegal about the relationship.

>>35543155
ah. probably he feels like he relies on you a lot already and views marriage, no matter how much he wants it, as a further burden on you. he may see it as weighing you down and is worried you'll build resentment.

>>35530245
bad. I hope the legal amphetamines I'm getting in a month will be enough to make life worth living again. feels like everyone else is beautiful and has their shit together while I'm floundering and stress barfing for years in a row

>>35542972
For a variety of reasons, I'd still rather not say. The most I'll give you is that we're pretty close in age.

>>35543277
>no grooming or abuse of power was involved
There was nothing like that going on, either.

>>35543334
Are you by chance ADHD? I hear it's pretty crippling.

>>35530245
Bad. My knee has become extremely painful to walk on in just the last two months, and no doctor or scan or imaging test can tell anyone why. Life feels like its over since I'll never get a relationship if I can't walk.

>>35543268
i have a similar feeling on it, espesaly after what happend with my freinds i feel like most of the people how say they will exept me regardless are lying to me.

if my freinds could lie in wait and hurt me most when i needed them, whats stoping everyone else from doing the same ?

>>35543435
>how say they will exept me regardless are lying to me.
Well, I do not think this is true, at least with my parents. They would be disappointed for sure, but they would still accept me in a different way. I don't know about friends because their whole relationship dynamic is different. You can befriend new people all the time, find others to spend time with, but you can't change your family, they are always there one way or another.

>>35543486
mabye not, but i dont want to take the risk regardless, being burned like that takes away a trust in others you cant really get back, i dont think i will ever open up to anyone close again, ive keept my mouth shut about it for nearly 5 years now, i dont see anything changing

>>35543380
>Are you by chance ADHD? I hear it's pretty crippling.
yeah I scored crazy high on the tests too, so... That was a bit of an eye opener. Think I was 10-15 points away from max, guy didnt hesitate a second giving me the diagnosis.

File: 1710808241264412.jpg (47 KB, 491x518)

47 KB JPG

>>35530245
>Hows your life going?
Not great but could be worse.

>Is there anything you want to vent about?
Not enough mentally energy to talk about everything but here is the brief rundown. (will not be coherent.)

My life is extremely isolating and I haven't had a real life friend since I was 11 years old.
I could've met a few online friends multiple times but I get extreme anxiety at the thought of it.
All I do all day is fuck around with computers, self harm, watch videos, and sleep.

Everyone around me is also falling apart, I'm trying my best to be there but I'm cracking.
I'm a KHHV and while I know I could be a lot worse looking dysphoria makes it extremely hard to look at myself in the mirror.
Childhood emotional abuse.
I try extremely hard and it never works out, It feels like i'm being punished for something I did in a past life. It's really hard to remain grounded in reality nowadays.
Feels like I'm faking everything.

People I know are fine while dealing with a lot worse and It's really not that bad and I'm just being a baby about it. I'm at the point to where I'm venting on 4chan lol that's extremely lame.
Wish I pulled the trigger.

I am the easiest candidate for happiness. Money would make me immeasurably happy.

>>35543675
I sometimes want to be a baby, I want someone to hug me and let me cry on their chest. You shouldn't feel bad about it.

>>35543700
indeed, wining the lotery would be a blessing, i would never have to wory about hrt costs

>>35543277
Ah ye all of those are things aren't bad but I could see how they'd wanna keep any one of the examples you gave hidden. Esp. if their in america since we can be weirdly puritanical about some things.

>>35543380
It's cool dude(tte). you don't have to share.

>>35543522
>being burned like that takes away a trust in others you cant really get back
Yeh it really can.

>>35543549
It's good that you got tested. I think the general consensus when things like that are so severe and disrupt your life so much is that getting diagnosed and getting treatment helps. ADHD stimulant medication is not for everyone, but the people it helps seem to have good benefits. It's apparently not a silver bullet, though.

>>35544092
>you don't have to share.
Thanks. We are in the US and "family members don't accept lbgtq people/relationships" is part of it. The larger part is the aspect that would make people view our relationship as weird or taboo.

>>35530387
This us me except im a tranny and work a part time job like 12 hours a week. Im running out of copes and thinking suicide soon. Last attempt was in november
>captcha APGS

>>35544092
>Yeh it really can
indeed, i wonder if i will ever get the guts to say anything again but i doubt it

>>35544522
ah ye that can make sense, then.

>>35544640
in my experience, I think thinking about what you're hoping to hear when you speak up and whether or not you think you'll get it can be useful for managing expectations. if you want to get something off your chest and don't care much how they react, then you can do so and act accordingly depending on their response. if you're hoping for an apology or them asking what they can do to repair your trust, but you know you won't get it, you can still give them one last chance to fix things and then decide what your next course of action will be when they don't.

>>35545610
>in my experience, I think thinking about what you're hoping to hear when you speak up and whether or not you think you'll get it can be useful for managing expectations. if you want to get something off your chest and don't care much how they react, then you can do so and act accordingly depending on their response. if you're hoping for an apology or them asking what they can do to repair your trust, but you know you won't get it, you can still give them one last chance to fix things and then decide what your next course of action will be when they don't.

idk, conflicted is the best way to discribe how i feel, mabye i try again dip my feet in a litle at a time, as much as i hate the idea mabye rp or pretend im further then i am and see how that feels, all if it seems very far off or to distant to grasp, as for my long standing freinds i doubt id say anything to them unless i go full transtion public and they would probebly be the last ones to know, as is the way with trust once its broken it cant really be repared as such, but mabye i try again to be me, if i can muster it at all, no clue where to start of what i would be comfertable with, guess lossing the weight becomes priority, im not going to clame to know what makes a woman a woman, i just know that if i dont try again i will most likely be dead by my own hands in a matter of years if not sooner, and id rather not die not for a wile anyway

I'm so tired of this job hunting bullshit. now I see why the neet life is so seductive.

>>35546996
What kind of jobs are you looking for?

>>35544522
>The larger part is the aspect that would make people view our relationship as weird or taboo.
Ohhh you're blood related

>>35545687
Keep going back to this, back and forth, do I really want to risk everything in my life because I feel this way ? What even gives me the right to call myself a woman ? Is it even fair on the ones how are born female ?

Idk, perhaps the risk is just to grate

>>35548873
I understand that you don't want to come out because of the reaction of others, but you can call yourself whatever you want, it is, in the end, just some words.