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Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
(perhaps even try arrange spontaneously meeting up with an IRL contact near you!)
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

>>42507580
>- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
Thanks OP I did this and I froze into a big cube

Just had gay e-sex. I kinda enjoyed myself but ngl i feel bad about having sexuality of any kind bc of my low self esteem.
Not very important i'm just kinda eh.
Just wish my pp never got hard and storkes brought kids to couples irl.

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Alright, here’s an update on what I’ve been up to.

I ordered a wig stand and styling head. I cut my hair a bit shorter the last time I got my hair cut to make it easier to wear a wig. I got a red and black wig for my birthday last year, that will be the first one I’ll be styling. It’s sorta low end, and not something I’d want to wear constantly, but I think that makes it better to practice with.

I bought a couple of 3 lb/ about 1.5 kg handweights and tried some new exercises with them. This was really my first time exercising with any weights and it felt like just the right amount of added challenge.

The next new recipe thing I’m planning on cooking is a sweet and sour stir fry with tofu and mango.

I think that’s enough for now!

Very cold... good night

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>>42496160
>Ah.. someone who fulfilled you emotionally, intellectually.. I see what you mean.
Yes, that and so much more. I loved- well, love him with body and soul, I'm terrifically autistic so any form of human connection is difficult. Love, connection and admiration in one package was a first, a combination of things that I don't want to much less have the resources to search for. I'm not exactly an ugly person, at least I seem to have options, but any of them would be settling for less if you excuse me sounding like a bitch. I suppose it is true what they say about the myth of ambrosia, you drink it only to be robbed of everything else the world could offer, and when all you can have is less than what you already tasted you will either live a life of yearning or die searching for it again.
>Would you be alright sharing what your field is, roughly?
You might have guessed already, but it is specific and if any of my cut throat peers found out I was in 4chan of all places no matter what I was doing here I would lose all my connections, perhaps it's good that the field is dying, they sure deserve it.
>get you out of isolation
I know people, I interact with other people, maybe its years of a finely sculpted facade or my autism but I find these people uninteresting at best and infuriating at worst. I have no connection with them besides perhaps sharing alcohol and cigarettes, I imagine they feel the same, empty social calories, maybe it is why I clung to him, he was a filling meal in this sense, God I miss being well fed, I do not like withering away like this, I don't want to rot until I'm a husk of a human being, I genuinely believe dying with my virtues is better than being buried as a pile of loosely assembled human parts.

im snapping every day for the past 3 months since i went for my jaw surgery reop and was forced to live being watched 24/7 in my abusive bpd panopticon childhood home with cameras everywhere and no locks or anything
I just barely moved into an airbnb and started isolating myself, but I want to as soon as I get home completely shut off and board my room and make it incredibly dark for 3 months while I no-life this thing because the alternative is torture and honestly I'm losing so much hope in people right now that almost every conversation I have feels like it pushes my isolation timeline another week, I'm hyper dissociated rn and hoping none of this worms its way into my subconscious because I don't want to tranny kaczynski my life away, if i cant integrate in society anymore i feel like being a tranny loses a lot of its meaning
anyways rate my budget, thirdie country and I john 23'ed at FAANG so I might have a couple months lead in to use my healthcare plan (and idk maybe it has tranny packages) as well as the benefits which is like food and transport and utilities and stuff. im mentally ill and a protected class so surely they wont fire me but either way i can deal with it if they do.

>>42512854
whyyyy did it not post the image

>>42512854
>works at FAANG
>word salad catastrophizing about nothing
What the fuck are you talking about? Just take your goddamn meds and continue going to work as normal.

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>>42512870

>>42512875
if i go to work next week i think ill genuinely do shit i regret im bpd unmedicated for 3 months and people have been mega abusive to me since i uhh forever

>>42512876
How are you spending so much money

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>>42513038
i havent started im willing to do like 2 surgeries a month for a year until I feel like I don't want to claw my face off, im really just willing to use up all my savings on this since i feel like I can win them back
taking into account investments and savings im fairly sure I can get all accounts to last me 2 years even at this extreme budget, like 80% of it is already illiquid to me so it wouldnt matter if i kept it in savings or bonds or stocks or w/e instead of in my bank
either way ill have to revise when I start following it, no way I spend 400$ on medication even with purchasing bica + estradiol pills especially since orchi is like the first thing I want to do and also switch to injections
either way I think the budget itself is fixed, I'll just reorder stuff, I don't want to play games for entertainment I want to do gender affirming agp bullshit for my stupid shitty tranny mental illness like photography and fashion and cosplay and horny stuff and vr so I can socialize without seeing my shitty body and all that

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Surgery done, 13-gauge needles into the back of the neck hurt. Also, they hit me with a needle of adrenaline, and I didn't know, so I thought I was tweaking out.
Basically, cocooning at home for a week or so now and idk what to do with myself.
I guess voicetrain.

dios mio el pagina ocho

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Despite normal levels and LOTS of cardio and exercise + hiit training, my transition has been a disaster, and keeps getting worse. These pics are not in chronological order but show the extreme differences in facial swelling. I get an average of 12,000 steps a day, often bike 20 miles every few days and am no stranger to heavy lifting in the gym.

>you just got fat and look chopped

I’m wondering if I have some kind of disorder like Hashimotos or multiple food sensitivities because the facial swelling can come and go within a few days and sometimes a few hours, not months. Often the inflammation is body-wide and coincides with fluctuating pain and energy levels. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? I’m so exhausted and at the end of my rope. Is it just stress? My levels have stayed within normal ranges for over 3 years.

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>>42515988
More extreme examples of the moon face. It usually also coincides with extreme anxiety, agitation, and sometimes hair falling out and acne despite being in spiro (all my acne disappeared when I started it except for these weird flare-ups.) the acne is always the same 3 pimples in the same spots and face flushing which I’ve been told can be symptomatic of thyroid issues or hormonal issues. I’ve gotten so many tests and blood panels and they always come back normal so I don’t really understand what it is. My weight stays fairly consistent and often have visible abs despite the inflammation, so I know it’s not simple weight gain. I might also be gluten intolerance or dairy intolerance. I know it makes me ugly, I’m sorry I know it’s cringe but I feel so exhausted and at the end of my rope with my passing being completely unpredictable day-to-day

>>42516174
I don't know about the other stuff, but I'd suggest swapping from Spiro to Bica/Cypro. With Spiro affecting hydration i'd guess non zero chance it affects bloating.

Decided to get on troonpills even though i consider myself cis and have no issues with being seen as a man.
I'd just like to be cuter.
I've been told that if it isn't for me i'll know immediately in the first months of hrt.
I cant do it before the summer for financial reasons anyway so i still have the time to think on it but yeah. I'm pretty determined to do it.

>>42516246
I can’t get either in America afaik. I ordered crypto for a while and actually the second picture was during crypro but I ran out. Is there a way to get it prescribed here?

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>>42470808
>an attractive person before me like a carrot before the eyes of a starving man.
Sounds like you're unfulfilled on the romance front. Would you like to talk about it? Do you feel like it's hopeless?
>>42459720
>Like getting a haircut
>It's like they realise im abnormal and weird and cant keep a conversation going.
I see, so this is basically the kinda situation that only piles more negative experiences.
It sounds like what you need is a more.. gentle environment, where you can approach people at your own pace? That and some guidance on how to keep up a conversation sounds like the general sort of things you look for, in that case. We have a book for the latter in the resources, although the shadowlib links aren't up to date.
>>42470753
>>42470772
It's alright to take your time, Anon. The only thing I find regrettable is that I could help you maybe find a middle ground or alternative to dropping out before it came to pass. Not that I am saying you shouldn't have, we might have come to that conclusion regardless, but I would have worked more incrementally with more data points in between. Still,
>the exams are just too much pressure for my schizobrain.
exams ARE a rough environment, oral ones later on especially for many. And I think you made the right choice, thinking about it again more carefully.
> Would've cost me like 200€ bucks
Ah, that sucks then, I thought it woulda been for free.
>No offense.
None taken. It has perks, beautiful perks, but I have grown disillusioned, and I don't know if I am in the right decade to even pursue academia. The Zeitgeist just doesn't align with my beliefs.
>But I will never stop studying and learning on my own.
This.. this matters so much more than a piece of paper, agreed. And your thirst for knowledge would make you an excellent Quereinsteiger in all manner of professions, I feel. That much I can tell.
>Cult of the Lamb.
I am looking forward to playing woolhaven when I have more time again! Dropped a bit ago.

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>>42476296
>I'll go for it
Perfect. Hope you don't get stuck with that one fucker.
>I suck at approaches, but usually after I'm fine.
I can help to take time to make yourself feel a little prepared, even if it doesn't actually do much. A bit of self deception can go a long way to build confidence.
>I'm perfectly capable, huh? I just need to get over my fears. But how?
You describe impostor syndrome. Most people in undergrad have it, and most still do post grad, I feel. One thing that helps a lot is to sometimes ground yourself with the knowledge base of the AVERAGE person. A more "negative" way of thinking that still helps is "If I deem myself incapable, would that mean I consider anyone performing less well than me incompetent?" to which most answer "no"; in which case: how can you be incapable if people who perform worse than you don't register as such?
>diving into the fucking deep end and brute-forcing interactions.
That is important, exposure. You are missing something else in this, I fear:
>I have thoughts constantly about the way people perceive me
I think what you describe is basically "mind reading": you project thoughts into other people's heads without feedback. What you need is a bit of, let's call it after care.
>Why should I be having fun doing something and then immediately be tortured with some perceived faux pas everyday?
I think the googleable term for THAT is post event rumination, if you are interested to look up other people's experiences with it! It might be a bit freeing to read advice and perspectives from varying sources. But as for me I tend to go with direct communication as I said above.
>>42477179
>Only 255 days until my diet is complete
A start is a start, what's your current game plan?

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>>42487303
>Literally every day I worry I upset my boyfriend or a friend just because they take awhile to respond.
Hm, do you recall these fears ever having been justified in the past, perhaps with other people? Sometimes we generalize from our past experiences way past what they actually allow us to. Do you know why they usually take a while, for example are they often afk?
>>42488652
Hm.. but that sounds overall like you wouldn't have to socially detrans at all if he just accepted going against his parents. I will drop this for now but something just doesn't add up there for me.
>And the things I am interested in, I'm not deeply into them, just a novice still.
That is more of a boon than you may realize with some sorts of people. Are you, generally, interested to learn about things? Well, people enjoy talking about things they consider their field of expertise. Instant conversation starter.
>People hate me for saying something politically incorrect
Those kinda social situations are lost causes for no fault of your own, then. It just means that you need someone who keeps a reasonably open mind and doesn't consider edges a reason to go for the jugular. Drifting apart is something fixable (if you like we can discuss how), but people noping out over small stuff is probably for the best. Cutting losses early territory.
>I've been kicked out of discord servers for calling myself retarded.
Which is *retarded* of them to do, in my opinion.
>>42488675
>My life is fucking SHIT.
What's up, Anon?
>>42488700
To chime in on one particular thing:
>But we would be alone and reclusive here, in a culturally diverse blue state, whereas his family has been in his state for generations.
Have you considered living with your boyfriend for a few months, for start? To feel things out?
>>42494292
>If he doesn't love me back until valentine's I'm shooting myself, no more games in this bitch
Would you mind telling me about him? Have we talked before?

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>>42492085
I'm rooting for you, Anon.. but that is a lot of pressure you put on yourself, there. I get why, I think, but I wonder if having contingencies in case things go wrong would make you feel safer? Because feeling safer = less stress/better MH = better performance = things are less likely to go wrong in the first place.
>>42495320
>I'm barely functional. Not sure if it's depression or what.
Sounds an awful lot like depression, yes. The going for walk part is already a great start.
One thing that can seriously fuck with your mental is malnutrition too, in case your diet is like this constantly. Do you know when it started? Anything making you actively miserable? Do you have the resources (funds, kitchen) to cook? Any unmet needs perhaps (social for example).
>>42497624
How comfortable would you be seeking out IRL places? Is it feasible for you? Think cons, places where people might gather relevant to your interests. Does your town have perhaps lgbt friendly places if you wanna look for lebutts as well? All of this kinda hinges on how urban/rural your environment is, but just to get it out of the way early. Are there also any interests you would like to learn more about, perhaps? Could you imagine places near you related to those?
>>42501801
>How do I get out of my toxic relationship with dating lesbians as a straight man?
Hold on, could you elaborate on that? Do you mean you are in a toxic relationship with two lesbians that are dating, or..?
>>42507983
Happy to!

would it be okay for me to buff prog 200mg twice for the next 2 weeks considering i neglected it for 2-3y on hrt and I'm sleeping 18h a day for mental health and surgery recovery (physically im basically already 100%)
what's the constraint here? im still on daily bica and hrt pills, but I want to start cutting off (my balls) all the medicine soon so my liver doesnt fail on me, if its a nutrition thing i can prioritize getting as much of whatever is saturating prog in my system as possible

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>>42516968
>How comfortable would you be seeking out IRL places? Is it feasible for you? Think cons, places where people might gather relevant to your interests.
doesn't really exist here and the thought terrifies me, im already pretty anxious to leave my home let alone throwing myself out there like that
>Does your town have perhaps lgbt friendly places if you wanna look for lebutts as well?
maybe? i honestly havent looked into LGBT stuff here
>Are there also any interests you would like to learn more about, perhaps?
i dont think so, really doesnt help that my interests tend to gravitate towards indoors activities

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Okay, I need a break. Ever since I started clocking in and out of my time on /sig/ to get a better feel for my "work" hours I have performed slightly less than a 5 hour week. And I can see how my general well being improves again because of the time I spend here (more energy to spare). Overall, satisfied. See you in February!
>>42502140
I agree, you should stick to it. Depression is a fucked up thing that takes our motivation to do the things that make us less depressed, you are doing good not to give up. Instead, you probably need more things on top of it to help you out of your current state.
>i just needed the thoughts out i guess.
I know you don't expect me to reply, but if you read this: I see you struggling. And I see you (>>42502650) pushing through anyway. It is something to be proud of, fighting these feelings. BECAUSE it is difficult, not in spite of it. If the lighting affects you you should absolutely get yourself checked for vit D, it might unironically be a major factor.
>blogpost over i feel a little better now. i love you best gen. keep your heads up nonnies
And your post is appreciated, and frankly inspiring. I wish you nothing but the best, Anon.
>>42507634
>Thanks OP I did this and I froze into a big cube
As shit, are you in one of those areas where it's <-10°C right now?
>>42508409
Sounds like you had a good time! Perhaps there is a nice way to slightly subvert your low self esteem by putting making the other person feel good in the foreground? As in: you made someone else feel good, too. That's a positive, and something worth dwelling on.

>>42496114
I couldn't quit for multiple days in a row, I only stopped for one day at a time, but it turns out whenever I avoid behaving like a porn addict I feel better and less anxious even if it's just for a day
as for the schedule idea idk, on one hand sure why not, on the other hand it feels very wrong to have "porn days"
in other news I'm about to download and read that other book you suggested to me the last time

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Help me help myself. Anyone. Please.

Im trapped in a shitty relationship that ive been in for years now i have tried to leave multiple times but keep.coming back. My lease on my apartment ends in 2 months and agter that I live with them. I do NOT want this. Their an alcoholic. They have punished me with belligerent drinking and beating whenever I do something they dont like or try to talk about the issue anonymously online. They've raped me several times, my safe word literally gets ignored.

I dont want to continue in this but its like... I have to write down the shot that happens to me or I end up blocking it out or convicng myself it wasnt that bad or it was deserved. I write hidden notes to myself hidden in projects. They discovered them so many times and reacted with rage every time and severe drinking. I want out but I feel like I cant leave. Im terrified of what they'll do. They will spam call me, maybe show up at my house, threaten suicide im scared.

Im terrified.

I dream of my single life again, even if I was lonely. Desperately lonely. And severely anxious. I wanna go back.

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Today is the night my youth ends. It was a terrible ride and it almost killed me, but I am now an adult. I am in control of myself.

>>42517247
>beating
>rape
Maybe it's time to involve the authorities or at least an IRL counselor or something? This isn't something you should take anonymous strangers' advice on. Well, apart from the one I gave you, obviously.

Bump

>>42518365
Happy Birthday?

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>>42507557
I hope you all are doing okay.

I need to rest a bit but I'm feeling a tiny bit more hopeful and determined for some reason.

Best of luck.

Hi it’s been a while since I posted here I havent been doing well for a while. During December- January my dad left to visit his parents and he left me to take care of the dogs. I hated being responsible for them so much I don’t want anything to do with them. I was hitting when I got angry with them and it was happening a lot. I wanted to calm down but I couldn’t stand them they have behavioral issues. I didn’t know I had so much anger in me. I don’t feel much anger towards them because my dad is here now to feed them. I don’t want to take care of them or even bond with then, but I don’t know what to do. I find sites that says to love the dog but I don’t really feel anything towards them. I can’t really rehome them because they are my dad’s. My brain feels like it’s failing and I relapsed to porn addiction I almost a made an onlyfans account again. I don’t know what to do with these dogs because I’m not ready for dogs and I am more of a cat person.

Spent today doing laundry, reading up on some of the papers provided to me, and cleaning up actual dog shit in the backyard. This is, quite frankly, the most energy I've had in months, but I also didn't feel the best. Oh well, I'll keep on trucking. Maybe I need a routine in place? Tomorrow I'll do a little more work and maybe I'll go somewhere to have fun as a reward. I want to go drink at a bar and unwind, but I've obligations the day after.

>>42516694
>Hope you don't get stuck with that one fucker
Got a group without the troublemaker, but I'm nervous. I basically just approached the first group that needed people. I tried to strike up some friendly conversation to build rapport and meet the people I'm working with. Didn't get much, but I guess I learned a little about one of them. The others just sort of ran off after the class ended. I'll have time in the coming months to get to know them better.
>What you need is a bit of, let's call it after care.
Aftercare requires sex, though. Okay, terrible jokes aside, what do you propose for this mind reading, post-event rumination "aftercare"?

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hello again. i've been doing quite bad - missed out on a gym session because i hanged out with friends, got into a couple spirals, one about the meaning of death and why am i not running around killing people, and another about how bad of a teacher i am because i had to teach a full class of 4th graders who didn't listen, and in addition to that i'm mildly sick and yearning for a romantic and sexual relationship. on the upside i found out that caffeine makes my mood better and gives me enough energy to get through the day, but there's still way too little time in the day to do everything i'd want. this all reflected on my ability to eat properly, exercise properly and take care of myself properly. i think i'll do another gym session today, just training cycling endurance, hopefully fixing my winter beater bicycle, and hopefully eating well and meeting new peeps i found on tagmap. i'll have to postpone my french and my drawing and my games for a little later. i hope you manage to get something done today too, everyone!

i am closing the laptop

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>>42513076
day 1 update of whatever this is. been taking 2x200mg prog suppositories in the morning and at night since the day I posted this so 4? 5? in total. I took another one earlier and will probably lay low until tomorrow, and I'm planning on making it last until I get home at which point I can maybe consider 2x100mg.
yesterday night I just let myself do a ton of agp shit, partially because fetish, lingerie and all that aligned closely enough with my goals (sensory isolation & comfort, building good thoughts about transitioning and hiding trauma away in my mind), right now I just have a nightgown, which I can probably wear as sleepwear whenever, it's pretty conservative, a sm choker, which is very soft and hides my massive adams apple and again lets me be super comfortable and hide myself in a comfort space next to the bathroom, blindfolds, varying levels of intimate underwear, a targeted vibrator I've been using for nerve training which I'll probably be able to use for my surgery recovery once I'm feeling better, probably a bunch of other stuff that escapes my mind even though I technically only bought like 4 items from the local sex shop.
right now I'm just barely getting dissociated enough to go about my day, but I'm absolutely having a panic attack and want to wear dysphoria clothing for a couple hours while I hide somewhere dark and quiet. I thought I'd be able to get started socializing today, but I think that might be too much after all, my parents will visit in an hour or two and I just need time to decompress. ill ask them to bring my all black oversized dysphoria hoodie from home by then.
maybe later I'll give a more concise summary of what I'm feeling like as well as next steps, I think if I don't let my panic attack settle and get out of this nightgown I'll end up ctb even though literally no one would care at all about seeing me like this in my private domicile.

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>>42523529
started putting on some over clothes, hiding in bed again. still having a panic attack but its getting slightly better and might pass when i get my hands on more dysphoria clothing even if its the basics i have laying around
my life has been a blur since wednesday so i have no idea where i documented this but the reason im able to afford going schizo this week and the next is because i gambled it all on black and locked myself out of my account, now i have some unrealised pnl to play around with so that takes a lot off my mind

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>>42523678
i actually managed to fuck up and long 20x instead of closing the position so ill be market liquidity for today thanks for playing lmao if anyone who is not a complete new retard at futures knows how to lower my risk id appreciate the help

>>42513238
Going to read some Bell Hooks, had to get a bandage off this morning that I'd left a little too long and freaked out a lot.
>>42516502
Afaik opengate has bica (maybe cypro, I can't check rn), and they ship to the US. No idea about getting it prescribed though, because I'm British, we can't get it prescribed here either but DIY or DIEeeee it is.
>>42517247
>They've raped me several times, my safe word literally gets ignored.
I understand that in these situations, the brain tends to go a bit squiffy, but I'd seriously say you need to get out regardless of the consequences for them.
Which I'd suspect means you need a support network, time away from them etc, idk if you have a job or not, but that's a place to start, just finding a few people you can actually trust to have you covered.
These things you're afraid of happening are things you'll have to find ways to prevent, which will probably mean blocking numbers, restraining orders, etc. Because the main thing you'll need is secured distance from your abuser (which, to be clear, this is abuse you're experiencing).

bump

so eepy

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>>42523529
>>42523678
>>42523778
i got nothing done today. my mother probably saw some agp bullshit and was prepared to shout at me and even being dissociated it affected my motivation entirely, ended up daytrading and working all day when i already dont need the money. idk why but my airbnb is locked from the outside and i cant exit. im so paranoid about being watched and heard i ended up locking myself in the bathroom lights off and am typing this in fetal position on the floor. i cant even cry. idk when ill be able to be vulnerable again but im so scared about how ill release all this pent up trauma. i need therapy so soon.

>>42523791
Yeah I know its abuse. Its just so hard to leave.. its like.. I know i need to. I know i have to but its paralyzing to even think about. Plus, to make it all worse, we have a kid. I am legally entitled to 50/50 custody since but im terrified to leave my baby with the.

night

>>42529113
Nighty night, sleep tight.

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>>42497624
>Okay so you're on a timer but it's not super short term at least. What things do you want to do at least before going back?
Basic list for now:
>Complete my course and find online gigs for it
>Improve my networking
>Create a 3 to 5 year plan
>Make and save money
>Share my course knowledge and help my siblings get into the same industry
>Become indpenendant and above my vices
>Make sure I can afford to live on my own in the future
That's all I can mention for now.

>Try giving explicit examples of when and how you get distracted
One is example is when I am busy studying, my frustrations will lead to me gravitating to online music to decompress but it leads to a lot of web surfing.
This applies to things I need to do for my life in general too, like job seeking and organizing things.

>Take your time, I gotta pace myself too after all
Thank you, I will do my best.

spiraled for a year or two and now im back and im trying

>>42530978
I'm proud of you.

>>42512885
>>42512854
>>42523529
>>42523678
>>42523778
>>42527384
This is totally incoherent. I have no idea what the fuck you are trying to say.
Stop gambling. Stop spending $10000 a month. Start taking your BPD medications.

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>>42531348
let me cook. its incoherent because all my meds are still slowly kicking in and i have like 18+ hours a day to work on this because of polyphasic sleep, trying to fit 18y of my life into this one week so I can get home and work on things more slowly. ik im crazy rn, i already updated my psychiatrist hours ago and scheduled an early consult tomorrow, and ill probably get hire a DBT professional for home while here too
>>42527384
i got a lot done today after I finally stopped trading, I think I started figuring out sensitivity training considering I managed to go from no feeling in my surgery areas and basically entire body (absolutely dead everything except genital) to mostly full sensition in my face and being a bit overwhelmed in the body to the point where rn i feel like i need to wear at least 4 layers just to be comfortable moving around in like 3? 4 days? definitely need to consider a bra now.
probably not worth going as hard into it as im doing but if anyone is interested, variety and frequency is your best friend, coupled with rest. duration, texture, frequency, temperature, probably a dozen others are variables you can and should control. I think I realize now why people sometimes say that piercings are 50/50 in kickstarting your sensitivity, if you just do a stimulus ONCE and let your body get used to it, then everything else will feel dull, meanwhile if you even slightly continue to work on things it will just continue to improve.
prog is also absolutely not a meme and i regret taking so long to get on it, besides almost immediately rounding out my chest and giving me a new layer of conetits on top, its doing so much more that its hard to separate it from everything else.
I think if I was this motivated when I started hrt I might actually consider prog basically immediately as I start, and just be ridiculously conservative (once a month?) about taking it until you get to 2x 100mg by end of year one, not sure about the science tho

>>42531682
also i sure wish all this was just my paranoia. every time my mom comes to visit it feels like she introduces some massive restriction on my life.
as an example im literally locked in my airbnb from the outside since the start of the day, can't get out at all. i mostly stopped going out and socializing which i was doing before because they literally mentioned things ive been doing that ive explicitly told people involved to keep secret about.
i think you just literally dont understand what its like to be raised in a conservative mini town with a multi generation popular family (grandgranny came to town during its founding after being born in italy, grandma was a city first gen and won multiple state awards in beauty contests as well as having coauthored a book on the city history, her kids are a) nationally succesful business owners b) local politician tier such as my mom which has decades of educator experience and now coordinates major events for our state, like our version of the SAT, starting with my great granny which was mega abusive and did shit like killing and feeding my grandmas pet pig to her in front of her eyes, i can literally map out and find examples of every mental illness i feel reflected in me across every member of this short slice of my family tree, and then i just have it maxed out because no privacy. funnily enough everyone of my siblings has ONE aspect of my mental illnesses to the extreme, first one to leave my grandma (we were all raised in that same household) is bipolar and caused her dad to go to jail by not shutting up, second one to leave has hyperfixation on a specific topic but adhd overall, third one to leave physically abused me for decades and taught me self harm from an early age and is now bpd histrionic, and ofc me as the very last one to go.
the next generation is even more fucked, grandma legal'ed her way into stealing my cousins kids and shes already gotten multiple stds by 12 /rant

>>42531801
i dont even know where i meant to close that parenthesis anyways i really need to rest up a bit lmao im mega brainfogged

anyways its probably best to wait for my progress pics to make your own judgement. i have a decent amount of befores but i havent taken a single pic since i underwent surgery. idk if ill manage to actually visibly change that much so fast, especially since my body was *fine* after 3 years hrt and my face is mostly just different due to the 2 leforts. if I make progress pics anytime soon it's most likely not going to be raw body / face picks, just makeup / fashion progress

It's past 5 AM and I have to get up for work at 9 loooooooooool fml
I do this like every week btw

Ohhh... I have a cold... sigging can be paused

pspsps

>>42532769
I'm gonna try to work out anyway today since it's not too bad of a cold

>>42535638
Please be safe.

>>42537204
I gave up because I'm too tired lol

Stupid vent post inbound.
My body is so fucking gross, 70kg at 5'7 is disgusting. I need to lose like 10kg just to feel human, but then I'll be able to see exactly how T destroyed my face and bone structure.
And I'm stuck inside all week, so I can't do anything about it, and I'm just stuck sitting around as a burden. I wanna peel my face off.

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>>42537967
>My body is so fucking gross
>And I'm stuck inside all week, so I can't do anything about it
I know that feel, big time.

Starting a weight loss journey is one thing, getting through today is another.

If you want to do something proactive today concerning weight loss, why not look for exercises or healthy recipes online? If you can’t start today, plan for the day you start.

But there are a ton of exercises you can do indoors if you have a little elbow room.

But if you don’t want to exercise, I would suggest an activity like cleaning or organizing your space, or watching a movie or reading a book you’ve been meaning to get around to. Also, make sure you’ve recently brushed your hair, teeth, put on clean clothes, that kind of thing.

Just find something constructive to do to ride out the cabin fever, because it definitely sounds like you’ve got more free time than you know what to do with right now. That can lead to meaningful introspection, but it can also cause crashouts. Cultivate some inner peace, if only for your own sake.

>>42538578
I mean I lost 30kg from when I first posted here like 2+ years ago but it's still not enough.
It doesn't really matter I'm on surgery recovery so I'm genuinely not allowed to exercise, I cant go outside because I look awful + cant really do self care and I'm just kind of screaming into the void because the dysphoria is really very bad currently.

I'll clean my room tomorrow though, it's not a bad idea but trying introspection is just not a good idea for me currently, I self analyse a lot and have never found myself particularly redeemable or likable. Basically being stuck in my own head too long is never positive for my MH

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>>42539457
>I mean I lost 30kg from when I first posted here like 2+ years ago but it's still not enough
>I'm on surgery recovery so I'm genuinely not allowed to exercise

I do apologize for chiming in without having the whole story.

I’m a good year into losing weight myself. Be proud of the progress you’ve made. The fact that you aren’t done doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

If you need to rest because you’re recovering from surgery, I suggest you find something to read or watch, or a game to play (when you don’t feel like sleeping). Invest your attention in something other than the stuff you’re thinking about. But I feel like I tried too hard to offer advice when you probably needed more of a sympathetic ear. I’m sorry about that. Sometimes we all just need to feel our feelings.

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>>42516679
>a middle ground or alternative to dropping out
Eh, I think it's for the best. I only went back to school because I didn't really know what else to do. I still don't. Maybe I'll just work a nothingburger job when I need money. Housing & food are provided. Insurance is the biggest factor right now, but I still have a good cushion. Maybe I should just take it one day at a time. I spend way too much time worrying about problems that haven't even materialized yet.
>oral ones later on especially for many.
Hmm, I've had oral exams before. Not in STEM, mind you. I tend to do better on those than on written exams. It doesn't really matter now.
>I don't know if I am in the right decade to even pursue academia
Hmm. You know, I think I've been pretty open about the fact that I don't know much about physics. I do know a thing or two about the biographies of great men, however. Do you know when Einstein began developing his theory of special relativity? He was working a boring job at a patent office at the time. He started it in his free time. His boring job left him with with a lot of mental energy – he was not drained at the end of the day. I'm sure that someone with your education and ability is capable of contributing something truly great and original. But it requires time and energy. And it seems like your current arrangement provides neither.
Sorry if I'm being awfully blunt here. It's really none of my business. And you know best, of course.
>your thirst for knowledge would make you an excellent Quereinsteiger
Man, I am the eternal Quereinsteiger. I wish I were some kind of autist who deeply cares about one specific subject. I'm just not. I'm a generalist, a philosopher at heart. A mile wide, an inch deep. It does make the career stuff hard to deal with.
>I am looking forward to playing woolhaven when I have more time again!
I only bought the base game a couple of days ago. I'm not much of a gamer usually, but Cult of the Lamb caught my eye.

I used to be able to cut and now i'm lucid enough for it to hurt too much so I think i'm doing better.

>>42540166
Don't cut, please.

Update:
>Sister started college
>Her college seems to be more trouble than it is worth, downright scammy and egotistical
>I HATE my home country, seriously
>Dad will visit in a month or so, this family drama is gonna boil over I can feel it
>None of this drama is necessary, it's just been years of petty spite and adult temper tantrums
>Maybe I can teach my sister the same course I am currently learning as a backup, along with my other sibling
>Money is getting tighter, need to find online work fast
>Will complete finale test on Friday, need at least 40℅ or so to pass, aiming for 90 or at least 80℅
>Want to do a second free course on Accounting, that might be a good field for heavy cash
>My head is scrambled but I am determined

>>42496114
>Glad to hear, and also glad you keep us posted!
I will do my best to do so.
This week will have many updates from me.

>>42496114
giga late with my reply but i feel like i'm unworthy of love because i'm just there in people's lives i serve no purpose. i just exist and interact when talked to, nothing more than a background noise. even with my friend group rn, everyone has some form of dynamic amongst themselves but for me i just speak when spoken to, or i have something to bring up in any ongoing conversation before defaulting back to silence. even when it's me and someone alone, we just sit in silence for the most part because there's nothing to actually talk about. i lack personality.

as for life updates, entered gym again disgusted by my body again and i will be trying to fix stuff actively this time. i was about to enter the shower and almost threw up seeing this disgusting thing for my body. i think i've been avoiding seeing myself to the point where just getting a glimpse of me feels disgusting. idk i will survive we ball. as always goobers love you all <3 sending hugs and kisses for all ⊂((・▽・))⊃

i want love

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I hate work

page nine

i am going to close the browser, and start executing my chores

the grossness of hangover certainly hits different while on e

>>42546628
what are the differences like?

>>42547427
it's yuckier, possibly because emotions.. and hydration problems

>>42539722
>I do apologize for chiming in without having the whole story.
It's alg, I don't expect people to like magically know things lol.
I bought a copy of "the will to change" (Bell Hooks) that I'm going to have a read through, and I've folded the clothing pile I've had lying around for months. Although I'm mostly just doomscrolling.
I'm just going through it mentally. I've cried a lot in the last week. It's good advice, and that is kind of the point of /sig/ imo.

>>42548314
why arent u busy working for ice

>>42546488
good

>>42548399
Why would I work for ICE, I'm not a fascist and I'm not American.

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I need to go back to sleep again.

Will be up in a few hours, then it's back to studying for my finale test on Friday for my course.

Then, I can take a break and have a serious chat with my mother on Saturday.
Then I will make another plan of action for life and work.

Then I wanna catch up on some hobbies so I can decompress from it all.
I miss being able to experience stuff without mental baggage.

Goodnight.
Take care, be safe and best of luck to you all.

>>42507557
How can I go back to snorting ritalin instead of snuff?

>>42532769
I am growing stronger

p8

>>42552668
Very nervous bun.

>>42553956
bravo

schizo bpd anon here feeling a lot less schizo i healed a couple bridges i burned but still things wont exactly be the same
leaving to get some measurement tapes, tired of doing nsfw shit since its served its purpose rn im trying to do as much other work as i can while not making transitioning a chore, also trying to research and schedule professional help when im home, not just therapist but surgeries too

p9
updates
i tink tomorrow.

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Hi /sig/! Panty here. I made this stir fry with tofu, zucchini and red bell pepper in a mango sauce.

I finally had a first session with a new therapist yesterday. This was just an intake, where I was acquainting my new therapist with my history and needs, but it went well and I felt good about this new therapist.

I ordered some cloth napkins and more handkerchiefs, just to use less single use paper products and have something softer and nicer to use.

I got my wig head and stand, and put that black and red wig I mentioned having onto it. I need to get a wig comb and brush next.

I think that’s enough new stuff for now. Let’s all keep moving forward, /sig/mas.

>>42561334
Looks yummy.

Nighty night, love you guys.

>>42556366
With very good reason to be so.

>>42557839
I almost feel not-sick at this point
Maybe tomorrow I'll be so back

the catalog was positively flooded with crap yesterday, did something happen?

>>42507557
How do I get consistent routines?
I'm not just talking about routinely doing skincare and exercising, I'm also talking about just making time to do hobbies
I get home from work at around 6 and then time seems to blur

I have narcissism but I believe the solution is to make myself as great as my delusions are instead of moderating my delusions.

Thoughts?

page9

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>>42566160
Delusions aren’t rational. If you try to live up to them, sooner or later you’ll need to back up something that isn’t possible. For example, you could build a successful business, and then decide it sounds better if you did it in three years when it actually took you five. You could even cook up a creative reason for counting it differently, but a lot of people are just going to interpret that as you just lying, and lose respect for you.

And if you decide you never get hungover, you could get a hangover and just suffer through it all while needing everyone to believe you’re fine.

If you’ve been diagnosed with narcissism, I can imagine what you’re being told about how to take care of yourself sounds like settling for less. But you don’t need to be guided by your worst impulses to lead a satisfying life. And I’m sure it would be easier than trying to make good on whatever your narcissism wants to be true.

>>42560958
Thank you, is much appreciated.

pg7

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Goodness gracious it's been a few days. Good news: life is normalizing and soon I will hopefully have more time for sig again. No bad news.
>>42512854
>>42513076
>>42523529
>>42523678
>>42527384
Heya Anon. First of all, welcome! I won't reply to everything if it's okay, it is clear that you were sharing a lot of things in a stream of consciousness manner. Doesn't mean I didn't read it, of course. But please tell me if you want me to address something specific I didn't. I might also not catch up with all your posts tonight. Fair warning.
>anyways rate my budget
You list fashion, care and room setup as running costs, and entertainment costs are quite high. How come?
>im really just willing to use up all my savings on this since i feel like I can win them back
On the one hand I understand, but on the other I worry that that kind of pace might lead to health complications or a risk of less desirable results. Please talk to the respective surgeons, this is quite a pace you are suggesting. Though of course if it's like minor stuff like orchi I can immediately imagine that being easy to do rapid fire.
>I want to do gender affirming agp bullshit
That sounds all good! And it sounds like you are doing your best to cope and.. you sound in parts horrendously overstimulated. Not the self care "agp" stuff, things like parents visiting, and unpleasant social encounters. I hope therapy will do you well, and in the cards for you soon.
>maybe later I'll give a more concise summary of what I'm feeling
I think, as word vomity as others have described it, you are doing great not letting inhibition get the best of you.

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>>42512282
>a combination of things that I don't want to much less have the resources to search for.
Absolutely, now is not the time to look for a replacement for him.
>any of them would be settling for less
Nah, it's fine. I get it.
>perhaps it's good that the field is dying, they sure deserve it.
Ah, that kind of field. Fuck 'em. So there is nobody from it that you know that would be worth talking to, or at least useful to talk to for inspiration? I assume not everyone you studied with stayed in academia.
>finely sculpted facade or my autism
There are people you only communicate with for political reasons; be it for your career, to not have trouble with neighbors, or because you have other business with them. Everyone masks around those sorts, I believe. On some level. Being genuine is exhausting even for NTs, at least from my limited perspective. Point is, you need to make the other kind of connection, the meaningful one where you do not mask, where you risk that people reject and resent you. There are many cruel truths to this: even if he was there, if had only him for years, the relationship would have suffered immensely from it. You need many sources of soul food, a richer, more varied diet. It doesn't have to be many close friends. But you will need a few.
>>42516469
I mean, if you are in a safe position to do so, why the hell not. I know I could never, myself, having been overweight for half my life I am happy with my masc features now that I am mostly normal weight. If you wind up feeling more comfortable in your skin with it than without it, then fuck labels and keep going. All the best, Anon.
>>42517053
I am far from an expert on this subject but must drugs, HRT included, are dosed such that your blood levels form a sawtooth pattern. More is not necessarily better. I would definitely get a second opinion from >>>/lgbt/hrtgen since this is sadly not at all my field of expertise.
>>42513238
Awesome, welcome back Navy. I wish you a rapid recovery.

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>>42517112
>doesn't really exist here and the thought terrifies me,
That is perfectly fair, and don't worry, the whole point of this talk is not to have you go from shut-in to stage diver. It is trying to find something for you that is just scary enough to feel like an achievement to have done while being a positive and safe experience.
We can also look into online stuff, but there you will have to accept a lot of people will just ghost you early on for ZERO fault of your own.
>maybe? i honestly havent looked into LGBT stuff here
I would like you to try and look into it, if you can. Perhaps you can find something online, even.
> my interests tend to gravitate towards indoors activities
There are extremely sociable ones of the indoor variety, TTRPGs, board games, multiplayer games, media of all sorts.. I'd love to hear specifics. Remember, there's also cons, and meetups, and stores where people with particular interests may be regulars.
>>42517179
I would like you to think of relapses as something other than fail states, right now. You are learning to run a marathon. You are doing endurance training. Don't think of holding it in as a success story interrupted by failures, but as measures of your current endurance. I would say give it a chance and see how it shakes out. If you can do 1 day marathons with ease, you can try one 2 day a week. Of course you aren't obligated to fap the next day if you feel like you can push it, but I would rather have you see that as a lap past the finish line, you get me?
>in other news I'm about to download and read that other book you suggested to me the last time
Looking forward to your opinion on it!
>>42518365
Congrats, Anon! What will you do with it, what's your game plan?

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>>42517247
>>42527872
What you describe, sadly, is all too common feelings to have in a situation like this. The question is not at all whether to leave, you know you gotta, for the kid too. It is about the means. Friends, family, old contacts? Help lines, too. Involving the government can backfire, and people have very strong opinions not only depending on the country but sometimes depending on the particular region that I don't dare make sweeping generalizations there. But I need to ask you: what favors could you cash in? They won't be able to pull shit like you describe with witnesses around.
>>42523055
>Maybe I need a routine in place?
Generally a good idea, yes. It can serve as a backbone for other things, because doing things habitually takes way less mental energy. It sounds like you are already approaching things sensibly though, your thought process is very healthy.
>I basically just approached the first group that needed people.
Perfect.
>Didn't get much, but I guess I learned a little about one of them.
It is normal to feel like an alien for a good while. That would be no different in a situation like yours no matter whether you wind up just remaining acquaintances or finding family for life in some of these people. It's part of the process, you're doing great.
>what do you propose for this mind reading, post-event rumination "aftercare"?
One thing I personally like to do is having a meta conversation where you flat out ask how they found particular things. I don't think it's bad to admit anxieties of that sort. It's a human, vulnerable side. Not everyone has the mental energy to reassure frequently. But you can and should get feedback from others about things that worry you. Nobody should expect you to intuit their inner world.

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Alright, had to postpone posting queued up posts because of some tech hiccup but I did a fair bit tonight. Gotta call it quits. More soon.
>>42522895
I could fill a book with the number of times I heard of parents trying to make their inability to keep pets their adult kids' problem.
>I don’t know what to do.
Let me ask first: what are the chances of you getting your own place, medium term? Because, ultimately, I don't think there is much of a point trying to accommodate your father more than strictly necessary.

>>42552897
Anyone?

>>42571637
Sorry nobody else has replied yet. I don’t think you should go back to snorting Ritalin, but I think it would help you to think about why you want to. Tease out the underlying motive. There might be a healthier way to satisfy it.

>>42571458
>>42571476
despite all my schizoing out ive basically gone back to "oh well its hopeless might as well just distract myself from being a tranny" mode again lol
if i could just no life my transition for 3 months and be able to pass itd be a different thing but thinking that I MAYBE get a shot at being a clocky tranny in 2 more years after basically wasting the last 23 cuz of dysphoria and taking hrt in secret just makes me want to give up

>>42565822
Yeah I'm thinking I'm back

I love you all, goodnight.

ey! p10!

pg9

>>42572258
I don't think so. I want to be a legal form of crackwhore

Pg9
Extremely dysphoric today. Hopefully the rest of sig is better

What is it called when you are more or less loved by someone even platonically and it’s you who started things but now you arent interested
Am i schizoid
Or maybe Im just a weirdo
I just take care of people
But I can’t love them

I feel like I'm getting like religious psychosis or something because I do not remotely believe in a higher power or anything, and I don't go to church (never have really), but whenever I end up getting upset, crying, etc., Isaiah 6 ends up resonating around in my skull.
Like it's clearly not rational to think on some level that my ability to transition came from some biblical deal to always stick my neck out, to always take the risk or speak out and to try as best as I can to be selfless and self-sacrificing.

But when I think about all the people out there who'd think of me as less than dirt, as worthy of imprisonment, killing, etc., for being trans and try to find a reason as to why I feel compelled to want better for any of them (or really anyone on terf island), that's the only answer I pull up.

It's got to be internalised transphobia or something, but I still feel like being trans is some moral flaw I have to try and make up for.

Things lately have been stirring my brain.

This cold needs to GO it's impeding my sigging

>>42585439
And I mean temperature cold not sickness cold

>>42582493
no, its whats pumped into you off the bat, the "good" book says it in there for you to protect the temple of "god" and it is to imply the temple is your body, its why JW dont do the whole surgeries thing, Its ingrained in you for dumb reasons, ldk about other terf's but im not wishing ill will, but i do get pissed off out of my mind at twink behavior in a trans person, because allegedly, thats not what you're supposed to be. But that whole ass book is ass backwards, have you ever actually just sat down and read it?? Its like that one joke, how do you make a believer? you make them read the bible, How do you make an atheist? make them read the bible.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

>>42585630
I'm aware the book is like one giant joke and wildly inconsistent, which is why it bothers me that I can't get it out of my head. Bothers me even more since, while I've not read the whole thing back to back, I have read sections, and I don't believe in some higher power (as I said, it feels more like religious psychosis than anything).
I don't do twink behaviour, but like the stereotypical catty HSTS doll behaviour also annoys me.
>but im not wishing ill will
I have many thoughts on terfism, which wasn't really what I was trying to get at. I just said "terf island" to point to the societal vibe in the UK, but this is just what I wish I could convey to terfs from my actual experience:
I have a neighbour who is lesbian, I grew up living next to her; she's known me since I was born. I am now terrified to even speak to her because I fear what her thoughts of me will be knowing I am trans. Bearing in mind my neighbourhood, all had a terf leaflet stuck through our doors about a week ago from a group that labels all of us (trans women) as perverts, fetishists, etc.
I have crippling shame every time I have to tell someone I'm trans because even though I'm none of the previously mentioned things, I know that's what's automatically assumed about me (and thus, why I feel morally flawed for being trans), and I know that in the UK, that image is created mainly by terfs.

Like (since this is 4chan and we're being brutally frank), I understand the issues around spaces, I get it, I think if a trans person (especially early transition) is weirdly obsessed with getting into a women's bathroom, that's a bit suspect. But I also think it's deeply cruel to force medically transitioned at age 15, completely passing trans women to out themselves whenever they go to a bathroom, especially when they're vulnerable. It just seems to be that no one wants to apply a common sense middleground on that point

>>42521996
Is that A big rabbit or are you just small