I've had a few experiences and situations with my other coworkers on my team that give me a good feeling that they wouldn't be hateful towards me, but i truly feel like im gonna run into a wall here. Im fine with boymoding forever, but theres no way this is going to work in the long run. And if my "time" runs out? Now I gotta deal with the whole experience of trying to live my life as a trans woman when i dont even really want to be a woman.

Bras are uncomfortable, panties just always remind me they are there. Dresses show too much skin. And i'd rather not wear a skirt in public again. My hobbies are anything to do with 4 wheels and a motor. Im not mentally a woman in any way, and i would have a hard time trying to dress as one. My looks goals are genuinely to be a twinkhon, but even then im so self conscious that my whole wardrobe is now black shirts to hide as much chest shape as possible.

I'm not sure what my question is with this post, except for maybe someone relates to a few of my plights here and has any experience or advice to share.

I dont know where i will be in a year. Either i still feel like im represing, or i get "outed" as being on estrogen and the effect on my family and work life is unable to be estimated.

I'm pretty confident in who I am, but idk how I will fit into this world when the world finds out who I am.


Not enough data.

straight guy here
you are thinking too much
just think about the shit you want to do and then do it

>>42964160
that was the exact response my straight best friend told me when i explained some of this stuff.

the advice is good, but my lack of knowledge on what's gonna happen if i start doing what i want, is what stops me from doing what I want. i fear what i cannot predict.

>>42964198
i get you
but the problem is there will always be stuff you cant predict. thats life
i mean sure, dont ignore obvious problems. but dont dwell on them

my advice, is write out all your thoughts. try get the pros/cons of everything into bullet points. as few as possible while still containing everything you care about
go over your these with people you trust. ask them if you are being stupid or missing something obvious.
make a decision, then dont think about it for a week
then go back to it, do the same thing again, and see if you change your mind
then do the same thing a couple weeks later
if you can do that and still feel the same way, then just do it. whatever your choice turns out to be

>>42964248
ben franklin esque strategy. this could definitely help me

getting everything jotted down will be the difficult part.

I really do not understand why you would not want to just live as a woman and instead think that living an eternal closet is a better outcome.

You do know you can just become a woman right? I know people here sneer at it but that is an option for you.

>>42964462
never felt like a woman tho. im definitely nonbinary but if you say that out loud people think you are retarded.

>>42964580
Girl I am a woman and I've never 'felt like a woman'. What does that even mean? Removing the fact you cannot point to some internal female soul within you, do you not want to live life as a woman? I don't get it.

i share alot with some other ppl here which is the main idea of not really wanting to be a man. i dont want body hair or to go bald up top or to have rough skin or to be shaped like a rectangle.

but on the alternative, i have this weird feminist perspective on women's struggles. no issue with trans women saying they are women, but if i did it, id feel disgusting. it would be a disservice to call myself a woman in front of all the women in my life. i cant live up to that. they are so kind and caring (most of the time) and im just, not that. let alone they are into actually taking care of themselves too with makeup and products. i know there are all different kinds of women with different habits and interests that arent "feminine" but if im gonna get that deep in the weeds on if im a woman or not, im problably not. id rather just look inwards and see that im nb or genderfluid.

the long game is basically looking like a girl while continuing to be in mens spaces. i do like my sausage party aah blue collar job. i like the atv riding group im in. all my hobbies and interests are male dominated. sure i could make it work, but the uphill battle to be the first tranny in this or that group is alot of work and im not trying to be a brand ambassador for trans integration and have all eyes on me. I just want my current life with no changes except yk, how i look.

>>42964071
I also have been using DIY cream for a while now and also have an appointment coming up to look into getting diagnosed as a certified queer and getting prescribed the real deal and I also am a man when it comes down to it (a transfemme nonbinary but still a man) and I get the feeling that people are too retarded and self absorbed to notice unless my tits get out of control but I doubt that because I’m already in my mid 30s

>>42964654
i dont want to live life as really anything. im lazy. i like my life. but i also like the effects of estrogen. i have a rough idea of how i want to look. maybe if i was in some ultralib walkable city id just lazily be a trans woman to fit in there. but the post title is me currently. boymoding is the path of least resistance right now. i just dont know how i will feel when i get to that tipping point of passing, where its difficult to boymode, but now easier to pass. idk what i will choose, if hormones will choose for me, and for each path how my life socially will be affected. will i even be happier? better than repping i guess.

>>42964700
honestly
to me it just sounds like you want to be peter pan, and live forever young
but unfortunately that aint possible
ultimately, if you have to think about one set of things, i would ask you this:
Does it really matter to you whether you consider yourself male or female? Does it matter to you whether people see you as male or female?
If you are ambivalent on these matters, then I don't see the point in putting effort in to change things. Just do things you want to do. As long as you are doing things you want to do, in a way you are happy with, that's a good life.

>>42964743
>>42964700
>no issue with trans women saying they are women, but if i did it, id feel disgusting. it would be a disservice to call myself a woman in front of all the women in my life

Also to add on I know exactly what you mean here
I’ve been too much of a womanizer in the past to ever have the right to call myself one

>>42964743
unfortunate starting age but we in the same situation here, i genuinely hope things works out for you too.

>>42964752
Passing doesn't generally just happen to you. If you wanted it, you could get it. HRT doesn't just magically change all the stuff that would let you pass. In that respect your own lack of ambition and lazyness is the barrier between you and living as a woman. Just be aware of that.
>better than repping i guess.
My impression of you is that this is repping with extra steps which is why I am confused why you would want this. Your post gives a sort of resignation towards life that I find quite sad to read.

>>42964760
>to me it just sounds like you want to be peter pan, and live forever young
erm, no. my issue is more with manliness than aging. i dont really have an issue with looking my age, im fine with my height and overall measurements, aside from maybe loosing a bit of fat from the middle. aging doesn't scare me at all. if i have some wrinkles when im 45 thats fine.

>Does it really matter to you whether you consider yourself male or female? Does it matter to you whether people see you as male or female?
outwardly? in a perfect world where everyone is kind and respectful? no issue at all. sir or ma'am, idc what im called

>If you are ambivalent on these matters, then I don't see the point in putting effort in to change things. Just do things you want to do. As long as you are doing things you want to do, in a way you are happy with, that's a good life.
yeah thats generally what i would like.


perhaps my actual "question" here is too much to ask. with everything i know about my own life, i dont know how things will be in the future, so why am i asking 4chan to tell me how things will be.

this really is the trans trope of always just wanting to hear someone tell you that you are right in your ideas and that everything will be alright.

so really the best thing so far is >>42964160
>but the problem is there will always be stuff you cant predict. thats life

>>42964946
>this really is the trans trope of always just wanting to hear someone tell you that you are right in your ideas and that everything will be alright.
I will tell you the opposite - I think you are coping. Your cope is 'this is whats easiest'.

>>42964810
>a sort of resignation towards life that I find quite sad to read
im still just trying to get back into the hobbies i really liked as a kid (and still like) but which require some time, some money, and some social skills. i stopped taking community college classes in a degree that i kept failing the requisite courses for around 1y ago, and got a job working with my hands that i find decently enjoyable. during the day im energetic and optimistic, but everything i want in life requires some decent effort (which, thats life).

but as i approach burnout in certain things, having an empty weekend just leaves me lonely and asking these weird mental questions about myself and getting myself in a more depressed spot.

i moved with my parents a few states away from all my buddies and my hometown, basically the week i graduated high school, and ever since then my christmas trips back to my hometown are the only time i get to see my friends.

ive tried to make friends in this area but its so difficult, its just the type of city where already established families move to and work, and every buisness is a chain and every local joint is all middle aged people.

everything is transactional except for the 1-2 weeks during christmas that me and my old friends get back together and have fun without having to TRY to have fun.

from my perspective, my life (without worrying about gender stuff) is just me trying to rebuild some fun from my childhood and fit it into my weekend. i want to be part of a conversation again, rather than just another customer. i miss the lunchtable discussions. i miss the comedy of it all. the best moments at work are when our boss walks into the lab and ends up starting some wild conversation.

but when it's all over and i drive home to sit in my room, yeah, its sad. i feel sad. and the worst thing would be missing out on some of this by tuning into the weird person at work who thinks hes a girl.

>>42965157
You can't really go back in time, all you can do is look forward. The impression I get is that you are depressed and trying to cling on to a past that is no longer here. I think if you looked forward, and instead tried to think about a new life for yourself rather than simply returning to something more comfortable, you might find yourself less wracked with indecision and inaction and might see things differently.

I appreciate that it is really hard to make the choice to become marginalised. For me I had to make that choice, because to build a future for myself (instead of just long for the past) I needed to accept that I'd have to experience hardship. I guess just consider that not wanting to be marginalised doesn't mean you do not want to be a woman.

For example how would you feel if it was possible to step into a future where you are accepted as a woman, with friends and a partner and a life that you are happy with?

A footnote, i dont think im a loser either.

I have a decent job, a decent car, i have hobbies i like and participate in, i keep my room clean, i have a few friends, albeit hundreds of miles away. I even have a good relationship with my family.

But i really dont want to end up being the weird guy at my job, or be excluded from the group im in for my hobbies, or be shunned by my family (which would leave me looking for a place to live), all because i wanted to troon out without even really wanting to be a girl.

Yet every day i cant stand my body more and more, and i wonder is it worth possibly squandering my foothold in lower-middle class lifestyle to look like a fag.

>write out all your thoughts
this is certainly one way to do it.

>>42965218
>trying to cling on to a past that is no longer here
odd how i can watch a dozen movies about this trope, yet still fall into it.

>For example how would you feel if it was possible to step into a future where you are accepted as a woman, with friends and a partner and a life that you are happy with?
I mean yeah, sounds great.

Maybe blind optimism really is the cure, and maybe this situation i find myself in is my own struggle to overcome. If a good future isn't gonna just land in my lap then i better keep working towards it.

None of these issues are gonna kill me, just maybe make life a bit harder for a little bit.