Today I jump back head first into the festering scab of the internet, 4chan. Its been a while, its almosy nostalgic in a way, almost. To keep the pity party brief:> Be me> Picrel boymoder> Meet this wonderful man online (t4t) (who from now on I will refer to as Eevee)> Start talking> Both of us are going through shit> So understanding and patient> Start dating> Going strong for until just a few days ago> Messages me saying he wants a break from dating in general> End on very good terms (at least from his eyes) but killing me inside To give a bit more context to myself, though I guess this is just a lazy excuse for a cathartic rant. I grew up in a not so nice household and for a period was starved early in my teenage years while living with relatives before my mom was able to finally have us move to where I live rn. Dad died when I was like 9, hated his guts and probably developed some Don Juanism along the way when my mom began to act like him, left us in a rough spot financially so thats why we moved. Mom is well meaning albeit misguided and bigoted, typical puritanical Christian you know the drill, Pro Israel too, argue about that a lot with her, she doesnt know Im transitioning and Ill probably get disowned and thrown out once it shows.
>>43156416Pt. 2I had this really toxic relationship when I was in highschool, around the time of when I was being starved, it was with this girl who also had it rough with her family and was going from person to person trying to fill the hole. Take everything from hereon out with a grain of salt, I think my recollections are accurate but I had a period where I was so down in the dumps that Id have psychotic episodes, nobody really knows about this irl, I tell myself Im lying about these things to make myself feel less shitty. This girl was very insistent on sexual stuff, often instigating for quick "slips" here and there to happen when we would ride home, and for a confused and vulnerable 14 year old who felt so unloved it was the perfect lure. Relationship was not good for either of us, came to a head when my suspicions were confirmed that I was getting cucked and in my hysteria attempted to "fix things" by playing with the fire we knew best. Ill be completely honest its under SA, even if it didnt get far. She said that she forgave me a while later but I dont think I can forgive myself, I dont think I want to, probably dont want forgiveness at all. My time with Eevee was nothing like this, it was really healthy and he was really supportive. There were times when you could argue he was asking for too much but Im the kind of dog who you could make eat literal shit and Id thank you for it. I just wanted to make him happy, you know? Thats all Im really good for. He mentioned how he doesnt want his partner to not love themself cos he does, and he doesnt want that power imbalance. And thats really sweet of him and I shouldnt get so upset over being discarded like this yk its my place in the pecking order and yet it hurts so much. I just wanted to make him happy, I really tried.
>>43156432Pt.3He says hes very happy with his time with me and that he doesnt hold any negative emotions. I feel like thats bullshit. I may well be paranoid but I just, I cant, I cant think otherwise. He must hate me, and is at best lying to himself. Every time we talk I cry and how could he even know, I dont know why it hurts so bad even though I keep saying he didnt hurt me at all. I wont die I guess, Ill keep living, for him. Itll be fine if I can make his life just a bit better. I just wanted to make him happy, and I cant even do that. Im such a pathetic lowlife piece of shit rapehon. I dont even deserve to transition. If youve read this far, thank you for listening, and really sorry for my ramblings. I just need to get it out of my system. Ill see you when this thread is inevitably swept away by the other posts into oblivion. Have a good one (alsp fuck the captcha)
>>43156416>who from now on I will refer to as Eevee>only says it one single time
>>43156416that sucks nona. hope you get out of there.
>>43156445I recently broke it off with my ex after she stopped talking to me abruptly. I'm not going to put my business out there for the world but in summery she had not treated me well as far as cheating the entire relationship and we kept trying to fix things due to being codependent. The final straw was she did some crazy shit that scared people and ghosted me after so I ended up ending things with her.You can't force someone to love you and treat you right. Getting caught chasing after someone who dosent feel the same way about you is a tough pit of quicksand to get stuck in. It's better that it ended sooner rather than later so you can start healing. But healing sucks, and it's not overnight. You never totally forget the people in your past, even after you move on. So be strong and keep trying.
