What's happened recently anon? Whats got you down especially now?Venting to the void, random responses and commiseration for anyone using board
I felt bad that I've been slightly mean in a few threads so I wanna make another vent
>>44020216my ex is horribly mean to me but i just accept it and give them money still
>>44020216my apartment is filled with garbage and I think I might have a video game addiction and idk how to address either because I dont think I want to change I just want to be enabled (god descends from heaven and gives me infinite money so I can just play video games all day)
>>44020216everything i keep making things worse and i can't stop it because if i speak things get worse but if i don't speak it gets worse anywayi know i'm not a girl or fucking whatever anyway i'm just fucked in the head and i've got some wires crossed and maybe if i hit myself hard enough they'll come loose among other reasons for doing thati'd use a suicide hotline or some shit if i didnt find the idea fucking stupidi've been waffling on this board for the past few hours and you can tell which threads i've been in because of how i type i just want it to be over reallyagain sorry for posting this bullshit
There's no way to tell a fake memory from a real memory. Your trauma is only as real as you make it. Everything can just be a dream or misunderstanding if you want it to be.
>>44020283Doesn't work long term, it'll always find a way to come back up to the surface.
>>44020249Why do you give them money if you've broken up, do you like together or are they homeless/jobless? You don't deserve to have someone mean to you>>44020261realistically you can't address them if you don't want to change. In thirty years or whatever will you still have money to do nothing? thats the important question, and if you won't you need to want to change before you can>>44020279Hitting yourself won't cause any difference. You can rep or transition and in any case you will need to make change to get better. I'm sorry you feel the potential need for a hotline even if you won't use one, I hope you can resolve your inner conflictsAnd never apologize for posting in this thread>>44020283This seems like weird philosophy wherein you think if you pretend everything is fake you will be ok.You would need a lot of mental gymnastics to pretend everything bad was fake and keep the good and it sounds like a coping mechanism that can lead to more harm and loss of touch with reality really
i ate over maintenance for my calories today i want to kmsalso being on hinge has been going awful. the only person who's liked me in the last two weeks was some girl pushing her twitch
>>44020313cause im a weakling wahhhhh
>>44020216being retarded just won't go away. I was destined for retardation
i waited too long! in more ways than one
>>44020216Starting my transition again is the big thing. I just want to get it right this time.But mainly just thoughts about my fate. Just the realization that if things aren't in my favor, I'm not going to be around much longer.A lot of things Anon
>>44020216I'm so fucking lonely it hurts.
>>44020216quit my job and feel depressed all the time, becoming an increasingly neurotic person. i have just failed at life completely and in every regard
>>44020320Going over maintenance for a day is ok, the goal is long term control and accurate calorie measurements. If you've made a mistake it's more important to forgive yourself and make tomorrow better then to feel guilt which can lead to going over againGood luck on hinge, I never really used apps 'cept one time. I hope you can get some non ad matches>>44020325Stop giving them money :(assuming you're that anon>>44020341How and why do you mean this? Do you mean autism retardation, executive dysfunction or intellectual difficulty retardation?>>44020353Thinking you waited too long is also the number one excuse to keep waiting, causing more pain. It's always better to start once you realize than to continue with regret; exception of something like suicide ofc
>>44020357Good luck on your retransition TetraI'm sorry it's many things at once now, i hope fate will be kind>>44020360I've seen you around quite a bit recently. I hope you can find other places to help with the loneliness as well rather than here alone maple>>44020365Quitting your job isn't a mark at failure, but I assume you mean in more ways than one. I'm here if you wish you share this as well. Your life has time to recover just like your body does after illness. Even when your think it's been ruined you can work towards improving it. Myself, I got a ton of debt, dropped out and now i'm taking on a ton more 3 years later because I know it will help my future even if the now is difficult
>>44020216I am paid so little I can't even by clothes to transition let alone make bathtub hrtI'm in what feels like a loveless relationship because my roommate has the only bed in my apartment so I sleep on the floor and my gf sleeps on the couch and I feel so alone because I don't get the time to be physically intimate with him
>>44020216People are just cruel. You’re cruel. We’re all going to die one day. I just don’t get it honestly. I think you just aren’t enlightened maybe but it’s so simple, how couldn’t you be? If you have an explanation I’d be very interested.
>>44020216thinking a lot about my two friends who committed suicide.... also about how "growing up" is mostly about denying the beauty that is uncertainty. i think it's the duty of the living to justify life, but the people who most inherently justify mine by sheer radiation always seem to be dying or close to death.i typed a lot more, but i think i'm too dumb on weed right now to give proper vocabulary to my feelings... you know, they both committed suicide before i ever did weed and were both potheads. ah, the insane arguments i'd have loved to have with them.... and i think they'd have loved to have with me, at least some of the time :)
>>44020320hinge is a psyop to make people hate themselves, you shouls probably delete it
>>44020601i'm lonely and want a partner, dating apps are my only real option
>>44020529Him? Are you out to your gf, and is there any way she could help? I hope you can find a better paying job so you'd be about to get hrt, some diy page have occasional giveaways especially during pride i think>>44020544I'm sorry but i don't think I fully understand the question. Not everyone is cruel, I don't know if i am. I consider myself flawed or evil, but not cruel i take no pleasure in being evil>>44020578I'm sure they would have, and i hope the weed helps the emotions rn. One of my friends killed herself six years ago now. I still think about her alot and will cry if i do to much. It's only after five years i was able to think at all without crying, so i can't imagine losing twoI hope you can make new friends that will last and justify living while respecting the old,
>>44020647If you take no pleasure in it why do it?
>>44020647>himYeah, I'm out, we are just that poor. We have a grocery budget of like 60 dollars so it's not like we can afford shit anyways. Also meant bf, I'm just tired sorry for the mistype anon
Everyone wants to hurt me. I’m trying to save the world and everyone just wants to hurt me. Believe me or not we are about to all boil, we won’t be able to breathe the air, everything will die, evolution cannot solve it, nothing this bad has ever happened in the history of the planet and soon the only ark of consciousness we know to exist will cease to exist. I’m trying. Let me fucking try.
>>44020660I don't know, I'm flawed and broken, making 'mistakes' and impulsively hurting others on a whim. I feel guilt and shame, but I will always hurt others in the end>>44020698Here is a resource I mentionedhttps://symphonylabs.cc/mutual-aidhopefully can sign for it and get hrtDo you live in a country where you can apply for any type of assistance?>>44020729I'm trying too. People don't care that the world is experiencing dramatic change for the worse, water rising, ocean acidifying, storms worsening and temperature increasingly extreme,I can only hope really as much as any one else that the change for better is forced, those that deny science and any sense of logic or preservation can be passed through im sorry you believe everyone wants to hurt you
>>44020777What are you doing to stop global warming
>>44020647i miss my friends terribly, too.... it has been even longer for me. everyone who is alive feels too proud or ashamed to keep their loveliest doors open, anymore. the thing i miss most deeply about these friends was how many possibilities they had to explore - they were both people who almost helplessly loved being around others. it really does feel insanely terrible when you watch everyone who clings to love die and everyone who rejects love become this ugly immortal unfeeling thing that forgets how wonderful and adventurous it was to yearn. i rarely ever look on this board or anywhere social online anymore but i am always happy that people here still feel despair instead of just empty bitterness. i'd rather be sad and cry every day than forget how good it was to risk it all on friendship. oh my god these are the hardest captchas ever
>>44020777They are trying to hurt me. I’m stalked and hurt everywhere I go. I pissed off rich people and the government and god knows who else by trying to do the right thing but I’m too decent and pathetic to kill so they’re trying to make me do it myself. I don’t care if I sound nuts, the fucking world is ending, people are watched constantly by artificial intelligence, we are through the fucking looking glass and nothing I say is impossible or even difficult to anyone with resources. I don’t deserve this shot I’m a fuck up but a moral one. I’m a fucking scientist.
>>44020216lost my job 2 months ago, have money to pay for next months rent and then I'm done. I have no friends with whom I could stay, I have very low chances of finding a new job (the one I was in I just got in due to a friend of mine), I also have no near family, dont have a car or drivers license. and yeah I'll be evicted and end up on the streets, I have hrt till the end of the year, but things arent going to get better. the worst part is that whenver I thing and sy how I feel and that I want to just end it all my friends gult trip me into not doing that. I have no future now.
>>44020808Not enough, nothing can be as an individualI'm trying to adopt a vegan/vegetarian lifestyle while avoiding some food like almonds, work in political organizing and volunteering for progressive candidates, use public transit (that's just because i'm terrified of driving admittedly), but I feel stretched thin volunteering in other things and trying to get an education to help build sustainable infrastructure>>44020828I think so in a way i agree. I sometimes wish i could be bitter and not care, just because i think id hurt less but it sorting be me any longereveryone grows more reclusive and fear driven, keeping others out and even i am one. It's hard life when you still want that friendship and love but feel too wrong to search it out>>44020831I honestly don't even know what to say here, even just ten years ago assume schizophrenia and try to placate and reassur but now it's more trueThere's cameras all over cities tracking people by face and car, misused to stalk, harass or intimidate (i.e. exactly as intended) regardless i do hope it isn't true, and if it were that there can be hope and justice. Not dying or suffering as they'd want>>44020893Its not that you have no future, you may be unable to see itis good you have hrt to last, in these two months it's more important than ever to address the benefit systems, medical supplies, planning and shelter seeking you may need to do once evictedI really hope despite you saying is unlikely that you might find a job or something to help, maybe someone who needs a roommate, worker etc
she hasn't really been talking to me lately. i don't know whether i did something wrong or she is just bored of me or if it is something else. i have been afraid to ask about it. i still am. i have not received a response to the question i did ask but it is probably just as well; there was a time when i would have trusted her words but half of the reason i am so afraid to ask is because i don't believe she would tell me the truth even if i did. i worry that i have trapped her; that she would quite literally rather do anything but talk to me, but that the awareness that i am so broken and lonely keeps her here, in whatever way she is here, still. and it's my fault, for not texting so much, anymore, but she doesn't talk to me when i do. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say. i don't understand. she tells me that she misses me and that she wants to talk and then she does not talk; she does not respond to me when i ask whether she has time.i don't know anymore whether she ever did really like me. i think, maybe, at first, she did want to talk to me, but i think that at some point it became an obligation. i think that i am an albatross. she would never tell me this. i don't know what to do. i don't know whether it matters. i want to stop talking to her because now it is just hurting me, but i don't think i ever could. i love her. i don't know. i don't know. i don't really understand what i'm doing anymore. for a while now i have been living just for her. i have no direction. i'll never use my degree: i was just fired from a cashiering job for my incompetence. what could i possibly do? why am i still doing anything ? the train gets louder every day. i sort of feel like i'm just waiting for a cue.
>>44020919Are you just doing this to persona farm?
still love you and want you in my bed with me at night
>>44020216Planned a date with an incredibly beautiful trans girl this weekend but I think she ghosted.Not happy about it desu.
>>44020320lole i matched with a woman whose profile said "NO ONS" and then her first message to me was "i would be down to hookup sometime"and then she unmatched immediately after i told her i didn't know how things worked>>44020601i have never used a dating app before i was honestly shocked by how almost comically disgusting and horrible Hinge seems but my understanding is that it's, like, the best it gets pretty muchgrim
>>44020933relationships can be so complicated, us impossible to knowYou may be codependent, she may be checked out, but fear losing you at the same time, she could feel guilt and delaying, she could be suffering the same and unable to shareIt's not possible to know without her opening up to talk with youI hope you find direction and purpose beyond this though, you seem dependent on her. Your degree could still come in use potentially even as something unrelated one day>>44020934I'm not sure what this means>>44020945I hope you can have them with you>>44020950:(How long had it been since the last reply? and did you send a follow up?
>>44020919We need to get greenhouse gasses out of the atmosphere at this point not just stop adding more. As it stands basic chemical processes already in motion will kill everything including single celled life. It will soon be too hot for cell membranes to form.
i’m 18, im 6’0, i’m 300lbs. i used to be somewhat skinny and had a feminine frame. i played football in high school. oline. after i got raped i started eating a lot more. it made it feel like i was too gross for anyone to do that to me anymore. now my body is a masculinized poisoned mess.. i’ve been on e for 4 months. my levels didn’t change at all. my bones were already fully fused at 14 (i got a bone scan cause i was bulimic). my ribcage is 56 inches in circumference. what’s even the point in asking why i’d be sad now. the only joy i get is when i make myself throw up cause maybe it’ll make me less manly. i know it’ll just make my ribcage stick out even more.
>>44020975>How long had it been since the last reply? and did you send a follow up?Saturday, and I sent a follow up yesterday. Before that she said she's sorry she's been busy and wants to meet up for a date. I think I'm just fucked.
>>44020975I don’t know what to say. My life is ruined. I can’t trust anyone. I trust much more than I should still but the colder I get the better. I remember DOTA back in the day. I remember before the world was so horrible. I would do anything to go back. It’s a bad world.
>>44020777i cant even escape on a random 4chan thread. kill me. kill me.
>>44020978The only hope is tricking or incentivizing the rich and governments into natural and technological greenhouse gas removalCeasing all polluting activity isn't enough>>44021030I really got it can lose that weight. Have you been able to speak to anyone about the rape and bulimia to any help? Both are strongly affecting you today. 4 months is a short time, so change can still happen with e for quite a while, the rib measurement is hard to guess how much it will change from fat loss as the fat is likely majority visceral and hard to feel or imagine without it>>44021038I'm sorry, i really would hope she's just busy but it's also in your own interest to keep looking for someone else in the event you're being ghosted>>44021040I think the past has its flaws and its hard to recognize them, doubly so if you're in pain now and jaded by it. The world isn't entirely bad, but it can seem it istrust is hard because trust is both the only way to true love/friendship but the worst for pain and betrayal>>44021100Anon, what's wrong had i done something?
>>44020975>Your degree could still come in use potentially even as something unrelated one daypeople love to say this, ever optimistic. but i have an extremely specialized and essentially worthless degree. even within my field it is worthless.>It's not possible to know without her opening upi have to believe that if i know anything about her, it is that she would tell me how she feels. there was a time when i could have said with full confidence that she was open with me, or as open as she was willing to be. she would have told me this sort of thing. at this point, she would tell me this sort of thing. that she is not, now, tells me either that she never was willing to be open, that she is no longer willing to be open, or that possibly this is nothing to her, and she does not even think about it: i have been worrying that i am an obligation but i just considered that perhaps she does not think of me at all, lol. she has a life, of course.but then maybe it is all a problem of my own imagination. i don't know. does it matter? i am dependent. probably i cannot handle this kind of relationship, anyway. i need someone to cradle my fragile psyche. my way of living is unhealthy and wrong. i can't get attached to a random girl and expect her to devote all of her time to me like i'm important. that is not fair. all of this is dumb. all of this is so dumb loloh god
>>44021100No
>>44020216missed some really important social cues and sexually assulted/felt up my ex gf like a month ago, been pretty suicidal since.fuck, i still have nightmares about how she looked after, just curled up and stimming and looking at me with fear in her eyes.didnt mean to, but I really hurt someone I care about, and I don't deserve to be aliveSince then, karma had been kicking my ass.ive had many horrible things happen since then:- had a small spider living in my nasal cavity biting me for 2 days- fell back into various addictions (erotic hypnosis, alchohol, weed, poppers)- became increadibly dissociated- broke my bike- continually embarassed myself to everyone i talk to, resulting in extreme self isolation
>>44021127i can feel my ribcage right at the top. i doubt itll get much smaller loli spent a bit in ed recovery it ain’t help much.. and therapy doesn’t help the ptsd much cause i just end up remembering more of what happened so it gets worse
>>44020216I feel like it's impossible to connect for long online anymore with anyone for good friends, let alone for romance. I kinda feel like an outsider everywhere I go and I feel like it's always going to be that way. That may not be true I know, but that's how it feels. I also inherently feel like I'm both too masculine for most people and at the same time not masculine enough. I don't want to compromise who I am but it feels like who I am isn't going to work for anyone dating. I'm mentally drained from most people online interacting with politics and ragebait constantly when I just want to have a good time with people and make them laugh too.
>>44021127dont worry you didnt do anything wrong im just tired of it all. tired of doing everything i can and its still not enough for people and i just want to escape into a 4chan thread and im reminded of it. i dont want to be explicit about it but i hope you can understand what im insinuating.
>>44020216been trying to see the milky way all summer because its the season for it and i just cant seem to make it work. tonight's the clearest its been and its like it was almost there? kinda bittersweet i would say
>>44021158I won't deny the optimistic outlook, but i don't mean within your field. Human resources for example has a dedicated degree technically, but most people are sociology, business, psych, math etc.Obtaining a degree in anything, atleast in theory is supposedly better then none at allReally the source and cause don't matter, what matters more is you're worried and paranoid now and it matters moreYou could potentially seek out help for dependency issues, but beyond that it's hard to say what might helpIf she is still there, maybe she could help, and if this was a cause, she would be willing, assuming it's even real and bothering her>>44021169I don't know what to say reallywhat do you by missed social cues? suicidal ideation and self hatred aren't penance, change isnothing will undo it, but punishing yourself rather than using it to help or learn would be worse>>44021170I mean, considering the average chest for men is 40, unless you have a deformity or extreme change from bulimia, the weight loss can at least change the numbers a bitCircumference is very susceptible to weight changes since it relies on volume rather than linear growth sounds dumb but i'm probably just not articulating myself well
>>44021219we were cuddling and if i think about it with a clear head, there really wasnt any cues i saw and didnt process right, i just shouldve knowni guess i just hate that I hurt someone, and i have long standing self hatred problems - probably cptsdi guess i just think i deserve to hate myself for it? idk, i dont really have friends anymore so nobody is aroudn to push back on that so im just spiraling
>>44021212(selfreply) i cant talk to a therapist about this i dont have any friends i cant talk to some random 4chan thread about it i cant talk to my girlfriend about this im just a bit sad but i guess thats the price that comes with all this
>>44021210I think for online, it's hard because you can opt for good friends out long term ones. I've had intensely close ones break apart in months, and have some distant ones i contact on occasion from 8 years agoI'm sorry you feel that way as an outsider, I hope you won't compromise yourself for the romanceThere's some places without ragebait and politics, but they're never easy to find because to be known is to invite those people>>44021212>>44021231I'll take your word for it, and i'm sorry you're not able to use this as an escape or help. I wish i could be of more use, I feel dumb because i don't think i understand but that's ok, I just wish i could so i'd be more help. If you cannot say, please don't feel pressured in any way to do so>>44021230I don't know, in a way it could be better to not have friends here. This would cause more hurt and controversy potentiallyYou should seek professional help atp though, not for the cptsd as much as for the situation in looking for someone who atleast will have a financial incentive to not judge, but help instead
>>44020216Depressed… cut itself a ton while drunk and sad.. worried gf visiting friends+ex back home will go idk, I’m just an insecure annoying retard, I know is my fault for feeling this way I’m just anxious and afraid, I’m always anxious and afraid, I woke up with a sore thigh and tons of blood/wounds :( unhappy.. and lonely lately. Unhappy. Unhappy.
>>44020216I’m repulsed by the thought of friendship and sometimes it’s so bad I get nauseous like right now. Anything lasting longer than a day feels akin to being latched on by a disease ridden parasite. Most of the time I’m happy being alone and just talking to people on 4chan because they can’t track me beyond that thread but sometimes I get a bit upset that such a ‘fundamental part of being human’ is not only inaccessible but outright repulsive to me. I don’t think I’ll ever feel anywhere near to being a normal human because of a billion factors. I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Also I went cold turkey off antipsychotics multiple times as a teen and I might have actual brain damage from that idk but my brain doesn’t feel the same as it did prior
>>44021258hence the whole self isolation bitim on the tailend of it i think, i wrote a bunch of edgy poetry and did a good old fasioned "dark and brooding" bit for a while, but i saw a place to vent again so I went for it :P
thanks for making these threads puffin i need a place to blog or i just blog in regular threads and people dont like it. dont have to read ill talk2 the voidi think i figured out an aspect of my problem. i need to exercise consistently. like even on my days off. and i need to go to the gym after work on slow days if i dont hit 20k steps. i just have so much extra nervous energy and it really messes with me. ive been all fucked up for like three weeks and i think i isolated that as the only physical difference. i hope it works. ugh i just keep learning new things about myself and im just too old for this shit. i was so stable for such a long time i thought i got away with not having to go through babytrans brain problems. whether this exercise thing works or not i gotta be a little more reserved ive made so much mental progress i dont need to get overexcited and embarrass myself to the point of rollback. or worse actually piss off the people who are starting to like me. i have that autism problem where people initially really like you and then suddenly dont for no reason. and i need to be more reserved with normies and stay mysterious and not get to that really like you phase cause i cant maintain it. i miss my real friends. i think i need to tell them. but im conflicte. the tadc thing and convos here made me realize i pushed them away cause i was repping. i didnt even know it at the time. i really tanked my life super hard. and like it sso incredibly obvious why. i would even say it out loud back then but somehow i didnt know? i didnt believe it? so much time. im just really melancholic and nostalgic rn. i think im actually gonna make it and that just kinda makes the regret worse. i kinda feel like im regressing but it feels good. i keep listening to whiney emo post hardcore and i really wanna buy a skateboard. all things considered i havent been this happy in like almost 20 years? its just been a real rollercoaster lately (and character limit reached)
>>44021273please try to clean, bandage and disinfect the woundsEven if not for yourself, for gf who would be more worried and upset for infection or hospitalI can't say much, I'm not good at speaking on cutting because too much nagged me reminisce and want to relapse. I did similar, try to clean any blood stains if they exist with cold water and peroxide, baking soda water if not white, sorry>>44021275part of being human is also extreme variance and individuality you despise friendships and feel happy alone then it may be best for you to do. What makes you happier. The antipsychotics may have messed with developmental function as a teenager, but that's hard to say>>44021290Yeah that's ok, is what it's for, even if i can't don't or extremely rarely (usually because i anon posted myself) won't respond>>44021293I'm happy to make them and read regardless. The consistency and pattern will help, psychological we crave patterns and so even if not every day, it's best to have a set day(s) of the week if you canI hope the people that are currently around you wont turnside note, didn't know that was an autism thing; Evidence marker 873 of Puffin autism, but i don't have it and wont get testedyou can airways try to reach out to old friend's and see how they respond, it's just best to keep low expectations for itI'm glad you're happier now than before, even if it took a whileTimes gone by super fast and idk how this has been up for 3.5 hoursi really need to sleep but i always worry i'll miss posts if it gets archived
>>44020216im supposed to try meet someone todayu for the first time and i just threw up why am i like this
>>44021340your responses genuinely mean a lot, needed someone to tell me i was being a fucking idiot, thanks <3
>>44021258>I think for online, it's hard because you can opt for good friends out long term ones. I've had intensely close ones break apart in months, and have some distant ones i contact on occasion from 8 years agoSometimes I wonder if connections online have been too easy to make overall for people which has resulted in them treating those connections as more disposable. I think it's probable and might be a small part of why I find connections harder. I've struggled with it irl too though so I don't think it's -just- that. >I'm sorry you feel that way as an outsider, I hope you won't compromise yourself for the romanceI may not have found romance specifically because I won't compromise. I don't want a partner who sleeps around or does drugs. This seems to filter out way more people than I would have hoped and makes me kinda sad, thinking about how those things are how people might be coping with their own problems. >There's some places without ragebait and politics, but they're never easy to find because to be known is to invite those peopleVery true. I'm truly not even asking for a total blanket ban on that stuff either, but it seems like once most people get on a role with it they just keep going and don't stop. There's no moderation, basically.
>>44021360try to take any anxiety med , meditate, do breathing exercises maybe one of those help? good luck anon>>44021404no problem anon <3>>44021419repping or not being able to get hrt? I dont know I'm sorry I can't think well rnWhatever it is im sorry u cant speak on it freely anonin sorry my responses suck rn im just upset over stipid shityou three deserve better
>>44021471dont be sorry about it, its good to help people. just a bit tired tonight. its very nice of you to comfort me and others.
>>44021447I think it likely has, online friendships are also seen as somehow lesser in any scenarioending them and pretending to not care because it's "just online"for relationships, they are unfortunately hard to find then, but one you establish will be deeper and easier to connect as similar peopleI hope you can find an online space with the kind of people who have that moderation and control anon>>44021476I'm happy to do it, also made assumption hope that's okphysically tired, please get some restmentally, I hope i can help along with others
