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Well the title is wrong,
I have always been trashy, even before i had thoughts i wanted to be wanted and used, and I would happily cheat on someone i love for better sex

However,
That actually happened, the latter thing not the former. My ex and I had sex a lot but it turned out he wasn’t really doing it the way I liked, he loved me too gently and that reflected onto the way we had sex even if I wanted him to be rougher

So i cheated on him and slutted myself out to men, just like I did when i was younger. Difference is, while that was because I was lonely, and wanted to feel wanted (and I was literally a minor so the guys who had a piece of me should probably be in jail), this time I was 20-21 and I was fully aware of what I was doing and I

Liked it

It’s a sucky feeling.

And now here I am in the aftermath, obviously not dating him anymore (though, I did a tarot card reading with one of my friends and her reading said we’d get back together? That could not be a good turn out for him)

and I’m seriously thinking about doing sex work because no matter what I do this hunger and helplessness toward this strong feeling in me never faded or went away, even a full decade since it started

I have become a trashy woman, this only works because I’m a bit of a looker, I pass without any real effort. I dont curse it, my looks is one of things i take pride in

But i’ve become someone unworthy of normal love, because when I reach a comfortable point in my life, it rises and it makes me want to cheat and do something self-indulgent

I dont want to apologize for what happened, and I won’t because i did it because sex makes me happy. Even if the feeling of it attacks me and torments me endlessly it makes me happy

But it will not be compatible with most people.

I’m deeply sorry.