You are the head chef of the Michelin 3-star restaurant “Pequod Pizzeria.” Despite its name, it has more than just Italian cuisine: this restaurant is famous for offering nearly any dish in existence, no matter how obscure or expensive. It was a slow evening, and you’re thinking about closing early. Your manager, Ahab, went out for a walk. He’s stressed about the falling revenues, since it turns out offering EVERYTHING is astronomically expensive. If you can’t find a big fish to shell out some serious cash, you’ll be out of a job by Monday. Suddenly, an enormous man tumbles through the front doors. He brings with him a posse of servants sailing around his orbit, like remoras rushing to his aid. He leverages his immensity onto an embroidered couch normally reserved for fancy events, and his servants pull together several tables around their corpulent chief. Before you can protest, the big man bellows to you: “HELLO. MY NAME IS RICHARD MOBY. I AM EXCEEDINGLY RICH AND OWN A BARGE. GIVE ME FOOD AND I GIVE YOU MONEY.”You know your manager is vehemently fat-phobic (he once banned a husky man for sneaking extra breadsticks), but you can’t pass up this opportunity. You cautiously step over to Richard, keeping a safe distance.“Of course sir,” you say. “But….are you sure you can afford this?””OF COURSE I CAN AFFORD THIS. I OWN A BARGE. NOW GO FETCH ME YOUR FINEST.”You nod and stride to the kitchen, where your team of cooks and supervisors are hiding. They heard the booming noise and thought it was an earthquake. You tell them of the situation: 1. You have limited time: you estimate your team can probably make about 10 dishes before your manager comes back.2. The dishes need to be expensive, but not too expensive so you are able to turn a profit. 3. The portion sizes need to be filling. If Richard isn’t satisfied, he may just waddle away without paying his bill.What dish will you ask them to make first?
>>6304930>WINE THE ROMAN SOLDIERS DRANK FROM THE CRUXIFICTION THE CHRISTIf that's too ridiculous/out of the tone for the quest>The GOOD garlic bread sticks with exotic butters, seltzer water, and one of those fancy lemon and water in a dish for the hands Future ideas: >4 dozen eggs to help him get large >Force everyone to draw lots and the person who gets the short stick is killed and butchered by the others for the fourth, fifth, and/or sixth dish. Prepare as pork dishes.
>>6304930>Ratatouille, made from specialty tomatoes and garlic that can only be harvested from three specific mountain ranges.>Comes with a free copy of the movie, buttered
>>6304930Damn, things are heating up.>>6304936I'll back this.
>>6304936>>6304937You know the big man needs to be wined and dined, and you know the perfect man for the wine part. One of your staff supervisors is Italian, an archaeologist in a past life. He was arrested and banned from the homeland for his thievery, but rumor has it he managed to smuggle out a few choice bottles before serving time in the Vatican Penitentiary….so you know he’s hiding something good. You tell the guy to visit his cellar, bring back some exotic vintage, something old. He tells you: “OLD, huh? I’ll bring you OLD. Something unseen this centuria, I’ll assure you….”You have no idea what this means but you grin and say “great,” and shoo him away. Next you gather a few specific cooks and pull them aside. These aren’t good guys: they all suck and you need them out of the way so the real cooks can operate unhindered. You ask for ideas. Of course one idiot says “ratatouille” and you want to punch him: just mentioning a vegetable might kill the guy. But the rest of the group seems to agree, so you say “FINE” and write up a list. You silently muse about canceling Disney Plus in the break room but the staff might revolt, so you shove the list in their faces. They expected a list of grocery stores, maybe a farm…but instead they see:KUNLUN MOUNTAINS, GARLICLIGURIAN ALPS, TOMATOESAPENNINE MOUNTAINS, ROMA TOMATOES“If you can’t pull this off…you’re FIRED,” you yell, and before they can talk you walk away.You step out from the kitchen and you see Richard already leering at his empty plate. Piggy eyes swerve toward you and suddenly, you feel like you’re next on the menu. ”WELL? WHERE IS MY FOOD? I OWN A BARGE. I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY.”Before you can say something reassuring like “please don’t eat me”, your Italian friend returns carrying a glass, no bottle. You’re about to chew him out, then you see him pull out a wineskin, frayed and tattered with long cracks spiraling across the leather. He pops it open and pours, and hands you the glass. Strange sediment swirls around the rich maroon liquid, and you wonder if this is FDA approved. But then you remember the big man and you hand it to him saying “enjoy, it’s our speciality vintage.”He sniffs, and boogers fly from his nostrils like confetti. Then he takes a big sip…and we’ll roll to see if he likes it.
Rolled 29 (1d100)>>6304967Does the fatass like the wine?
>>6304968Of course not. It's far too holy for the embodiment of gluttony.
Richard Moby was never a religious man. His dad once told him it was a “dog eat dog world” and he took that phrase, along with three custom pacemakers, to heart. There was no problem for him, no concern than couldn’t be solved by eating. But when he took a sip of that archaic wine, it shook something strange in those clogged veins. No, deeper than the viscera…he began to feel something….in his soul?RICHARD MOBY IS NOW A PRACTICING ANCIENT JEW, AND WILL ONLY EAT KOSHER FOODS. HE CANNOT (KNOWINGLY) EAT PORK, SHELLFISH, OR DISHES MIXING MEAT AND DAIRY.Richard starts to sob uncontrollably. A group of servants start patting the expanse of his back, using both hands to properly comfort the entire surface area. He refuses to touch the rest of the wine and instead requests seltzer water.”BOOHOO. BOOHOO. I SHALL SELL MY BARGE. BUT ALAS…I AM STILL SO HUNGRY. FOR YAHWEH! BUT ALSO FOOD….”Just in time, you see the crew of idiot cooks from earlier sweeping in. They pulled some strings and cornered a globetrotting grocer in an alley, and now they’re rushing with a plate of gleaming plate of sliced vegetables. You’ll confirm if the mountain ranges were correct, but for now, it’s time to see if the whale will bite.Richard slumps over to compose himself, then lifts a fork with his meaty fist. He stuffs a bite in his mouth and begins to chew. Suddenly, a cook (the one who requested this ridiculous dish in the first place) rushes in, late for some reason. He carries with him a copy of the Ratatouille movie. In the hurry, he trips and falls, and the dvd box goes flying from his hands to Richard’s table, landing straight into his butter dish. Richard, the benevolent beast, turns his head slowly, clearly unaware of what just unfolded. He picks up the buttered Ratatouille dvd, and slides the box into his gaping maw. The sickening crunch reverberates across the dead silence of the Pequod….
Rolled 61 (1d100)>>6304980First meal: Ratatouille plus buttered copy of the Ratatouille movie. Does he like?
>>6304981So-so. Better than the wine.
>>6304981>VEGETABLES PLUS BUTTER MULTIPLIER PLUS CLASSIC DISNEY MOVIE= 10% SATISFACTION”PRETTY GOOD. REMINDS ME OF THE TV DINNERS MEEMAW CONSTRUCTED. A SHAME I HAD TO GOBBLE HER UP, I MUST PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS. WHAT IS NEXT? I AM STILL QUITE HUNGRY…..”You leave Richard as his servants begin to clean his teeth, lifting out huge shards of black plastic from between his molars.The kitchen is sprawling with activity: your best chefs are prepared and waiting for your command. You have at least 9 more dishes to go until Ahab arrives….and it seems like the wine has converted the whale to a worshiper. [BIBLICAL DEBUFF: CAN ONLY EAT KOSHER , OR OTHER FOOD DISGUISED AS KOSHER.)What dish is next?
>>6304987Carne de Onça, the Brazilian-style steak tartare, with real Brazilian beef and served with Danish Rugbrod. No egg and no butter on the side, just some mustard on the side.To ritz it up, use $1k+ Remy Martin cognac, the same Kunlun Mountain Garlic, premium extra virgin olive oil and dazzle some edible gold flakes on top (yes that does exist).https://www.tasteatlas.com/carne-de-onca
>>6305178And follow that with,Bream ikizukuri. Bream sashimi is uncommon in the US, and eating live and still twitching will make it even more exotic:https://youtu.be/jPZzWTWorUQAnd then,Strasbourg pie of foie gras wrapped in bacon and truffles, baked within a *kosher* non-dairy pastry puff.
PS -- switch the order. Ikizukiri first, then Carne de Onca, followed by Strasbourg pie.
>>6304987Roast salmon stuffed with herbs and lemon, really fancy, yeah, extra fancy please chef, do not hold the fancy
