If there a fate worse than being a small, submissive man born into a strict christian household?>be me>nearly 30>khv>completely uncertain of my actual sexuality>spent my entire adolescence believing that acting on any urge would kill me and send me straight to hell>now the tiniest rejection causes me to spiral>completely alone and lost>carry deep resentment for my parents>mother has severe arrested development, thinks and acts like a child still>she would project sexual shame onto me and my sister constantly>would smack the shit out of me over disobedience>made me a glass child to my sister's "spirited child" diagnosis (christian term for probably mentally ill but we don't do that in the church) so I'm constantly in a 3v1 against my parents and sister over everything>genuinely just the "shove him a toy or game and he'll shut up" kid>mountains of psychological trauma to sift through>molested TWICE by trusted adults, making my anxiety around sex and intimacy that much worse>the entire time I'm lusting after the people around me, burying it as deeply as possible>would get picked on and bullied because I'm small and weak, which only made me even more confused>couldn't address any of it because even talking about sex or relationships would result in a lecture, I wouldn't even dare bring up that it's about the boys around me not the girls
>>82989466>>completely uncertain of my actual sexualitywhat does it mean?
>>82989466I am sorry anon. I wish I could have befriended you and made you feel secure and loved
>>82989478Being programmed to believe my purpose was to find a wife and make children is at direct odds with what I believe I actually want. Indoctrination can be effective enough to cloud ones original beliefs/desires so much that they start to believe the lies they were taught. I'm sure I'm attracted to men, but heterosexuality and sexual shame were hammered into me so deeply that I can't shake the disgust.>>82989482Thanks
>>82989466I could save you, anon...
Might be time for OP to find a new place to live in for even just 1 year.Get away from your family, live somewhere with other people, attend hobby meet ups, visit museums, etc.The psychological healing will start when you can be in a place where you aren't being shamed for having feelings. You are a person too OP
>>82989592lol>>82989615I would like to leave. I live alone so I'm not dependent on my parents, fortunately. I hate that I'm still in my home town and I hate the hometown itself. The problem is that I have a good job and I don't feel comfortable trying to uproot myself when it's likely that I wouldn't be able to find work somewhere else right now. I feel trapped here. Maybe once these four years are over, hopefully.
>>82989615Seconding this as hard as possible. Nearly everything wrong with me cleared up immediately once I ran away from home. I haven't had any contact with my mother for over ten years now, and the sky could not be clearer. It's like a heavy fog lifted from me. Not having any family whatsoever completely cured me of everything going on in my head. OP I wish you the best of luck, you need to get out of there. The way you describe it as a 3v1 sounds just like what I was dealing with.
>robots will unironically bitch and moan about being a khv at 18 because they're a little too nervous to talk to girls and act like their problems are the same as a grown man that's on the brink of collapse because his religious indoctrination causes constant cognitive dissonance with his actual self
>>82989466How did you get molested desu?
>>82989578thank god I don't try to complicate things as much as possible
>>82989691I've been no contact since February. My mental health problems are only getting worse, but not having to perform for or entertain my parents is nice.>>82989897Fair>>82989906The first one was a lunch lady. She was somewhere within 25-35. She knew my mother, I don't know how, my mom made sure I knew she was a friend. For some reason she would pay for my lunch, I don't know why. My mom would give me lunch money so it's not like we were poor and she was helping out. She started taking me to another room to eat after a while and we would eat lunch together. I don't know why none of the teachers or other lunch ladies stopped that, even just that was pretty strange looking back. After a while she started molesting me in the room.The other one was at a church camp when I think I was 9. I don't remember it well. All I know is that me and my cabin adult were alone in the cabin and I was taking a shower. He came in to the shower with me and I remember how his fingers felt inside me, that's it. We changed churches after that but my parents still won't admit if it was why we changed churches or even if it happened at all.>>82989915I didn't choose to be like this
