would you guys be interested in reading a book like this, its sort of a less than zero by bret easton ellis meets the stranger kinda thingthis is like a random page from the middle i wrote its not the beginning or the ending
why the fuck do you think i want to read about some tylenol retard having sex?write about fucking knights OP, courage, honor, brotherhood, bloodshed
and i mean that genuinely OP, if you're going to write about sex then write for foids because moids aren't reading that shitgive us GORE, men wrestling desperately in the mud and poking each others eyeballs out, rocks smashing skulls
Sorry, no, not a single part of it is interesting and the style just irritates me.
>>84245835your writing and formatting is abhorrent but i generally found it pretty engaging, but i am a weird guy and find most media describing the indeterminate meandering of daily life very intriguing, i would be interested in seeing it completed i guess
>>84245844>>84245848nah the whole point is that its not about romance or sex, its about a depressed rich kid whos kinda disillusioned with everything and just going with the flow like nothing means anything to him>>84245857how should i improve the writing and formatting
i wrote a second page but this feels kinda worse cause it shows the mc as less depressing than before like i want him to show no emotions
>>84245864> its about a depressed rich kid whos kinda disillusioned with everything and just going with the flow like nothing means anything to himA book for faggots and foids. Do you know how many gay ass books there are? Do you know how many gay foid books there are?Write a book for men and you'll stand out and make some money.Or write you lame gay richboy slop and fade into obscurity. I'm not buying that shit. Couldn't pay me to read about some emo richfag.
>>84245877there's only one book ive read thats similar to this and its less than zero, the only reason im writing this is because i want more of the depressing mc with no arc like think of christopher moltisanti in the sopranos where he's asking where's my arc, thats the mc in this there is no arc and there will be no growth for the mc, he's only in la for 4 weeks and then he'll go back to uni and continue to live as he did before
>>84245880A SLOP BIOGRAPHY OF A EMO RICHFAGhave fun
>>84245864>how should i improve the writing and formattingI'm going to keep it real with you, I haven't written anything resembling a coherent story since my english final in highschool, but after reading the general description of the story I think the enjambment with the "she smells good" and transient statements that feel as though they hold no weight with a bunch of ephemeral emotion behind them fit well
>>84245909Yeah thats the vibe i wanted like he registers objective stuff like shes pretty and she smells good but they dont actually mean anything>>84245892its not emo thats the whole thing that he doesnt feel anything whether its sadness or happiness hes just indifferent
damn i wrote another page this one is super short tho. its just stuff like this like the guy sees the homeless guy and doesnt have any sort of reaction
I wake up at 4am, my dick is hard. I crank my hog to [extremely specific taste pornography] after waking my computer up from sleep mode.
>>84245935it's emo as fuck and only emo fags are going to buy it, not saying it doesn't have a market but where is the swords? take this emo faggot and isekai him into the middle of the crusades and show me how he feels then, if he's still a hollow little gay boy in the middle of the crusades he'll unironically be dark triad
>>84246442im not writing a book about swords and war bro
>>84246442I second this. Write him as a hero that has vanquished the meanest baddest demon king, a renowned sage that has solved the most difficult problems known to man, give him a harem of dark elf bunda, centaurs and whatnot, fantastic pussy of all kinds. And then make him go AAARGHH I STILL CANT FEEL ANYTHING!!!
I wake to a dull pounding in my skull, like distant drums echoing through stone. Light cuts through the arrow slit, sharp and unforgiving. It is late. Beside me lies a woman I do not know, asleep on rough furs, the air still carrying the scent of smoke. My mouth is dry. I sit up slowly, take a drink of watered wine, and try to steady myself. My clothes are scattered, my hair a mess. I pull on my tunic and head down the narrow steps.The hall smells of ash and damp stone. Nico is slumped on a bench, still asleep. At the hearth, someone I do not recognize cooks what little food remains. I take a cup and step into the courtyard.The sun is bright, but the air is tense. Along the walls, archers keep watch. Beyond them, the enemy camp stretches across the horizon. Siege engines stand ready, and the distant thud of impact rolls across the field now and then. Inside the walls, people move carefully, conserving strength.A boy approaches with a message from Liv. She asks if I will meet her by the gate to share a meal and watch the activity along the ramparts. I send back a yes.When I return inside, the woman from earlier is awake, now wearing my spare shirt."Do you want something to drink.""I think I will go," she says."I can have someone walk you to the lower gate.""I will manage."I wash quickly. By the time I return, she is gone. Nico is awake, speaking quietly with the girl by the fire."I am going to meet Liv," I say.He nods without looking up.I take my cloak and step back into the sunlight. The walls stand firm, but the siege presses on, steady and unrelenting.
I send word to Liv to meet me near the inner gate, where a cookfire still burns. I wait before going, listening to the distant thud of stones striking walls. The streets are tight with soldiers and the wounded. When I reach her, she is already there, seated on a broken bench, her dress dulled by dust."What did you take.""Some greens.""You look well."She says nothing. I watch as a woman passes carrying a child, both streaked with ash. I take what bread and cheese I can find. Liv asks where I have been. I give her little and ask the same. She says she spent the night with a friend, trying to sleep through the noise."There will be a gathering soon," she says. "If there is still time.""Alright.""Ana was taken to the keep. She was not well."We fall quiet. The food is coarse and dry. I eat a little and set the rest aside. Around us, men speak in low voices. A cart rolls past carrying covered shapes.After, we climb the wall to watch. Few stand there now. Beyond the gates, the enemy lines shift like a dark tide. Another stone strikes the outer defenses. The ground trembles. Someone nearby mutters a prayer.I walk her back toward her family quarters in the hills above the inner ward. She asks if I will come inside. I nod. A book lies untouched on the table. She lights a small lamp and offers me a drink."Where is your mother.""Outside," she says, after a moment.The walls shudder again, and dust falls from the beams. The siege presses in, patient and without end.
I wake in the deep of night, long before dawn. The room is close with the scent of smoke and sweat. Liv sleeps beside me, unmoving. I dress in the dark and leave without a sound.Outside, the air is cold and heavy. I stand by the wall and light a scrap of tobacco, drawing it in slow. The courtyard is quiet, but not still. Somewhere in the distance, stone strikes stone. The sound carries.I pull my cloak tight and walk along the inner path. A few torches burn low. Most have guttered out. At the gate, I see a man sitting against the wall, wrapped in rags, his face hollow. He holds a rough board in his hands with crude markings carved into it, a plea for mercy or bread. No one answers him.For a moment I stop. The silence feels thin, like it might break.Then a horn sounds from the outer wall. Sharp. Urgent.Men begin to move. Voices rise. Another impact follows, closer this time, shaking dust from the stone above us.I look at the man again, then toward the gate as it creaks under strain.The night does not end. It only tightens.
>>84245835as the others are saying: work on your writing skills. will come with the practice, I think. And editing. Lots of it. Boring, yet a must. Text will be slightly different, but improved. Example of a small edit:>Wake up with a ringing in my head. I check my phohe, 11:07 amis terrible. improve.>Wake up with a ringing in the head. 11:07 on the display.it is not clear what the fuck the exact time on the phone has to do with anything, but again, improvement will come.
>>84245835>>84246370yeah i would. your writing style is very dry (and kind of retarded) but that lends itself well to the mundane nature of what you're writing about. i generally found it engaging
>>84246599thanks the writing style is meant to be dry and mundane tho like the events are entertaining but because the mc is kinda disillusioned with everything stuff like this just doesnt affect him anymoreas for the writing style being retarded, i cant help it>>84246597the 11 am thing was more like meant to show that he got up late after a party and i said the exact time cause the mc would know the exact time from his pov cause he looked at his phone instead of a like a watch
>>84246370lol i like this one. This is like 2010s tumblr prose written by a chud instead
>>84246629im just trying to channel in my inner bret easton ellis man this one is kinda soppy thobut this exact sign is something ive seen irl which is why i wrote it
>>84246624>i said the exact time cause the mc would know the exact time from his pov cause he looked at his phone instead of a like a watchyou've heard>show don't tellright? very hard. why females love reading smut? makes them imagine. point: don't describe every single action and object in the slightest detail unless it has direct relevance to the event, but even then, repetitive defitnion of everything is not good. Which is why I suggest:>(I) Wake up. 11:07 on display.Short. Simple. Tells the entire story. How do the readers know it was a phone? Because you/he/mc is talking/texting on the phone not a half a page later. MC changed states. MC got information. Story told in fewer words.Looking at the phone and screen to see time would have been relevant, if the phone would have been fucked up, or it would have been somebody else's phone. Or something. Object being a phone itself is irrelevant in the first sentences. Leave it out.
>>84246624>the writing style is meant to be dry and mundane tho like the events are entertaining but because the mc is kinda disillusioned with everything stuff like this just doesnt affect him anymorei thought as much. it works well, i'd happily read more>>84246597>>Wake up with a ringing in the head. 11:07 on the display.this is significantly worse than what he wrote. "i check my phone, 11:07" is concise, no-nonsense, and immediately relatablewhat you wrote is way too wordy and stylish for something as mundane as checking the time. it sounds autistic, like something written by a middle schooler. no offence
>>84246654>what you wrote is way too wordy and stylish for something as mundane as checking the time. it sounds autistic, like something written by a middle schooler. no offencekek. I'm loving it.
>>84246651NTA"show don't tell" doesn't and shouldn't apply to thoroughly mundane things like checking the time on your phone, especially if OP's specifically trying to convey a sense of apathy and disillusionment. there's some value in describing certain things exactly as they've happened with zero input from the protagonist
>>84246683yeah it's better if he checks his phone and closes it while he forgets the time, reopens it to check again
>>84246683Agreed. You are correct. It's me. Hate volume for the sake of it. And I must improve my own writing too.
also guys in this i dont plan to put any plot like its just going to be a series of small stuff like this for a couple weeks and then he's going to leave la and go back to his homeis that a wise thing to do with book or is that retarded
>>84246705that's retarded, even though i like what you've posted so far i'd probably stop reading halfway through if that was the case.
>>84246705>is that a wise thing to do with book or is that retardedis there a conflict? a challenge? a goal? a transformation? A dry systematic log of events with timestamps is not interesting to look at.
>>84245835this reads like a weird rip off of donald glover's 'clapping for the wrong reasons' except written by someone who doesn't understand the social dynamics of what they're writing about. feels like a list of products and names to try to make it feel real or grounded but actually just makes it read as fake and gay as opposed to fake and interesting
>>84246748damn it was kind of a transformation like during these 4 weeks he tries coke for the first time and by the last week hes completely alright with it and as for conflicts i was just thinking like 1-2 random fights like he gets beat up by a girls boyfriend or some guy threatens him with a knife and steals his money stuff like that just isolated incidents >>84246738damn so what were you kinda expecting like for this my goal was the mc is still indifferent at the start and same way at the end but he gets open to more stuff like drugs are normal to him and hookers etcand for the climax i was kinda thinking of showing him a dead body like he seens an accident or something and calls 911 and sees a guy die but doesnt feel anything
>>84245835Boring normalfag bullcrap
>>84246705what, so it's just going to be a collection of blogposts? lolthere should be some sort of plot, however loose, that threads the whole thing togetheri don't know why anyone would read a novel that's literally just a guy seeing things and feeling nothing. you're dragging the apathy schtick a little bit. >>84246783>for the climax i was kinda thinking of showing him a dead body like he seens an accident or something and calls 911 and sees a guy die but doesnt feel anythingcase in point, this is retarded
>>84246834>you're dragging the apathy schtick a little bit. that isn't even real apathy. Apathy means no travelling and no sleeping around. also not going to parties. not dating.
>>84246834>>84246849nah the plot was kinda like horrifying things happening around him like at a party he sees a 16 year old with an old guy and does nothing or at the end nico overdoses at his house but he survives and then they act like nothing happened etc and at another party someone pulls out a gun its meant to be more of like series of events for me is this a retarded idea
>>84246908that's fine but how does it revolve? is it just a collection of events (however related) with no resolution?does the main character develop in any way?
>>84247040resolve* sorry
>reading normieslopno
>>84247047>>84247040idk man i havent got to that part yet i just wanted to show a slow descent into more and more degen shit >is it just a collection of events (however related) with no resolution?yeah pretty muchi know its not your job and its something i gotta do but is there something you have in mind for like the underlying plot based on these 3 pages and the stuff ive told you>
>>84246908You need some sort of inner conflict and a resolution to that conflict. The problem is that all of the sorts of conflict I can think of are overdone tropes, like emotionless guy showing emotions for a girl, or emotionless guy's disillusionment turning into discontent (Taxi Driver)You need something that he'll eventually react to. I don't know what that would be
>>84247129kinda what the other guy said. you need to give the story purpose
Go ahead, no reason to post it here though, that's advertising, no matter if it's slop about trudging through life or about swords and war or about whatever.Do keep writing, particularly if it's something you want to see more about and can't find any. Other people that like it will appear.
>>84247782>Do keep writingmost valuable advice. nothing will happen if you won't write. no skill gained. no readers have appeared. nothing.
>>84245835Why the fuck would you ask for criticism on this reddit contrarian site Just write it and let the free market decide if it's good or not
>>84246654>what you wrote is way too wordy and stylish for something as mundane as checking the timei think that it plays into the disillusioned state of the MC, he is so apathetic that everything is deserving of the same level of emotion, whether its checking the time or seeing the woman he just had sex with the night before or making meaningless objective comments on whatever he sees
You can do it. You can write an authentic, realistic, genuine examination of what it means to be an apathetic and disillusioned rich kid with no arc and no investment in the world. You can put your heart and soul into making it as close to a true representation of that reality as possible.That doesn't mean that it's a good idea, that anyone is going to find it compelling or entertaining, or that you're going to find an audience for it.You can also write an authentic, realistic, genuine examination of what it means to watch paint dry. You can put your heart and soul into making it as close to a true representation of that reality as possible too. You can do that as well.
