I wish I felt clean for once. My hands and wrists are red and raw from washing them so much. They're a different color from my arms. I just feel like such a fucking loser. I feel like I'm stuck in my own head, and it feels like hell. OCD is a fucking nightmare I can't wake up from. All I do is worry about everything. If this is a bad dream I want to wake up and be normal. My classmates from high school are getting married and one is an actual scientist. I have accomplished nothing and I don't know if I will. Not like I have the motivation to do it. I know I'm pathetic for throwing myself a pity party.
>>84395789>one is an actual scientistare you retarded? ask him to make a cure for ocd.
>>84395789I have ocd too, but out of all my disorders, ocd isnt that bad
>>84395802I envy you. I have a cocktail of retardation. Autism, diagnosed depression and anxiety disorders, ADHD, and really terrible OCD. I would do anything to be normal.
>>84395789>OCD is a fucking nightmare I can't wake up from.It's crazy cuz my OCD is entirely mental and I don't do any of the hand washing stuff. But I think myself into nightmare loops that never end for weeks or months or years. I haven't even lived my life. I just keep thinking in loops about things. The intrusive thoughts are all of my thoughts. My only compulsions are coming to 4chan and other websites over and over and over again even though they offer me almost nothing.
>>84395811No, you dont envy me. I have bpd, and I think about suicide all day long. I absolutely hate my life, and the bpd just makes my ocd worse, but I can handle it.
I got to know a girl online for a little while that said she had that, she didn't want to talk about it though
>>84395820That's part of mine too. I overanalyze everything until I get sick. It spills into every aspect of my life, even my spiritual beliefs. I want to get better, but I also don't. I feel comfortable being miserable sometimes. I don't even know what life would be like if I was better.
>>84395823I really do hope you get better anon. That sounds really, really rough.>>84395828I wonder if being with someone who felt like me would make me feel a little better, but I'd probably start overthinking that she's cheating on me or some other bullshit.
>>84395836Thanks... I guess thats just how life is.
>>84395831>I want to get better, but I also don't. I feel comfortable being miserable sometimes. I don't even know what life would be like if I was better.Yeah, people tell you not to think about your obsessions. That is antithetical to who I am as a person and it's very difficult. Like if I'm worried about my girlfriend's romantic history, I feel like not telling myself the truth about it makes me a huge cuck. And all the advice is to just stop thinking about it. Yeah right. Like you're supposed to just delude yourself. Same thing goes for meaning in life itself. When you actually dig in with OCD obsession you find there's basically a black hole. People will tell you different things, but if you actually examine deep enough, there is no meaning. I'm realizing a lot of philosophers probably just had OCD. When I'm relaxed, I don't care about any of these things. It's a feeling of hyper vigilance that I must constantly be on guard and checking for danger never-ending crisis in my mind when nothing is actually happening. I think it's due to low self-worth or some offense during childhood. I'm working hard to fix mine but I think it's so deep. My personality is OCD itself
>>84395789My nails still have the animal bloodstains from 2 days ago
>>84395789fucking retard. if you washed your hands with soap, they're clean. then you move on with your day you stupid fuck. it's not hard.
>>84395926I feel almost exactly the same. Sometimes I'm fine, other times I want to disappear from the world. I couldn't have said it better myself.
>>84395789Im so sorry anon. I went through something similar. I had such strong fear of Fecal matter and urine that I refused to pee more than once a day. I would purposely starve and dehydrate myself so that i would use the bathroom. I lost 12kg in the process. If i went i would take a 1 hour shower after. I tried to hold it in for two days straight one day, but i ended up peeing infront of my mom on the stair. My mom washed me, and i felt like I was a failed human. Lowest point of my life desu. I was 16. I struggled with it for a long time and I seriously wanted to kill myself.But I got out.The lesson that I learnt was that mental health 100% stems from habits. Your OCD didnt come in full swing, no, it comes bit by bit. "Um I dont think i washed them properly" and "uh I dont know if this is clean" and all those doubt that you listen to manifests and before you know it you cant function without doing those tedious rituals.The only way to break free is to refuse to act on them. For me, i woke up one day and just though "I cant fucking live like this" and step by step, over the course of years, I healed. Now im 20, and I can finally function normally. Sure there are weird things I still do, but i have gotten ridd of it (mostly).I believe in you anon. Stay strong. OCD is massive bitch.
>>84395929>inb4 tipped to PETAIt was from yeeting the babby donkey out of the exhausted momma donkeyy's womb
Wear gloves
>>84396100I just realized I'm doing this in middle age. Thank you for your story. I'll try to believe
