It hurts to just cry and it doesnt feel as nice when i try to be as happy as possiblemaking friends has always been miserable and despite how much i try, i still just feel lonely even by having a best friend or people to talk to.it hurts more when people point out that i tend to be rude at times cause i dont know what else works, it just sucks, i can only see blurry on monitor cause i dont know what else to do and it hurts so much that i feel like im being choked and my head hurts cause it all just feels like my fault, its always been like that, i cant feel like i keep my friends cause its my fault, it hurts so much. like i just dont want it anymore. i know later i will forget about it and continue with my day like anything else and nobody else will give it as much weight, and the people i talk to when opening up cant give me a good advice, a therapist hasnt helped me as much as i wanted. even after many times.i just feel like i dont know myself anymore at times and that everything feels like a mechanical action rather than just pure nature.it just sucks to be like this in this constant state of agony and fear that it will just come back, i dont like being lonely. it hurts so much more if i feel lonely with someone. i feel like an awful person too if i feel like that cause im with someone, i must be happy, its someone i like being with. until that moment comes back to me and then it all comes down raining on me as if i was still stuck making friends or talking to people like years ago.
what kind of friends would you like to have?
>>84460900Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by intense emotional instability and difficulty managing impulses. People living with BPD often experience extreme "highs and lows," a fragile sense of self-image, and a deep-seated fear of abandonment that can make personal relationships feel volatile.
>>84460918at least ones that talk to me quite consistently but I usually just get along with more avoidant people for some reason, its fine, i dont need more friends right now, its just that these feelings come back each time>>84460922i already got diagnosed with it but im not entirely sure about it, i dont think im that badly with it, i used to harm myself but i dont anymore since it makes people worry, i do just seek people at random or anything but at this point i just discard bpd cause it doesnt sound like as bad as other people, like im not doing horribly, its just that thing cause i always sucked at making friends and keeping them so that constant fear keeps being in me,even then i feel like im lying constantly and my life is great so i dont know what to do.i just work on autopilot at this point cause i cant be bothered until it comes back
>>84460900You need a husband to make you feel safe and loved.
>>84461016i do, its just long distance however, but i feel like this wont go away either way since i have it so internalized, its not like i can just depend on 1 person
>>84460969>at least ones that talk to me quite consistentlyyou know what? i'll take this as an opportunity to vent myself. i have to admit i have talked to a lot of people like you, those who are always trying to be happy and struggle keeping their friends, those who feel lonely all the time. it never goes well, it always feels like they are trying to sabotage whatever attempt i make at connecting with them. you don't force connections, that's not the point. but for the most part, they don't even try to get to know me. asking questions? one word replies. opening up? nah, i'm too private, i don't like sharing my stuff but you can definitely share yours and i don't care, because i know i'll stop talking to you soon enough. it's tiring, it's been really exhausting. and it's not like they are bad people, but they just won't commit to something, because they're scared of succeeding. it's almost as if failing was their comfort zone and they refuse to leave it now. in the process, you hurt the people that are trying to talk to you. there's no way to win.
>>84461033So what, are you here looking to cheat on your husband? Let's go
>>84461039i can commit to it thats the part, its just that well they will open up some day, i can try to as much as possible, then again i have my best friend but she is busy and i dont have much to do right now, and i cant talk to her consistently cause she also just sucks at replying and such so i try to compensate or try to not disturb her when it comes, but its not about her, its just a problem with me cause i feel like i fuck it up many times either way, the fear of just not being able to keep up keeps me running as much as possible, it kind of feels like "trauma" but thats obviously not the word for it i think cause some people suffer more than me, i think i just suck at this really like handling my own feelings so it feels very volatile each time, its like if i dont know what i want really>>84461058no just to vent about my feelings, even then i feel like im lost doing this and i could have written it in my diary but having some people hear it expecting not much help feels like im not too alone in this kind of thing i guess
>>84461076You should be relying on your man for venting and emotional relief. Why should we provide that unless you give us love and intimacy in exchange?
>>84461127he has done enough and he really cant help me much emotionally due to long distance, i just dont want him to get away from me and i dont think it matters much on this board, i dont expect a magic answer or anything, im just trying to conceal my thoughts a little
>>84461127>You should be relying on your man for venting and emotional relief.She shouldn't, because she has BPD and there's nothing he can do unless she puts in the work, sucks it up and undergoes years of grueling therapy.
