Ever since I was 15 I have always dreamt of leading a life in devotion to God. I see little point in investing my time in this painful and unjust world, as opposed to the next life. I am somewhat asexual, so i never had much desire to get a partner. For those reasons, I became super religious, but after some years at 19, I stopped. I feel like my fundamental identity of living a life in devotion have been robbed from me. But I cant make myself go back, since I have problems with the religion I used to practice. However, I have always had this fascination with christianity, especially apostolic christianity. I have always admired nuns and monks, and had it not been for the fact that I was never christian, i think I would become one. I want to lead a life of devotion similar to that of nuns, but I cant bring myself to believe in it. I cant bring myself to believe Jesus was the son of God. Why have I just recently fallen out of love with abrahamatic faiths? And i find no logic in other faiths either. I believe in God, but its hard to believe in any of the religions.Now im just in this limbo where I dont see a point in this miserable existence. I hope faith returns to me once more.
>>84481421just be my gf ill give you good fuckings in exchange for letting me massage and suck your tits
>>84481481I want to lead a life for God. If I could choose between getting kids and leading a normal (religious) life or ascending by becoming a nun, id choose the latter. I see no life in this world, and I never have since the day I became aware of the harshness of life, and the immanence of death. I was never a romantic, ive never wanted someone intimately, never related deep with people, never felt comfortable in this life afterwards. Every time I dont do something right I feel like I get drained. I just want to ascend.https://youtu.be/UUcd1qmOkI8?si=dhRRgcDwX49Km8Cc
Join the "Temple Of The Old Ones"
you join a monastery not because you are 100% faithful, you join to strengthen your faith. You think every monk and nun is perfect? They are doubtful too sometimes
>>84481889Nuns and monks are doubtful? Maybe i dont feel righteous enough, then again i struggle with conviction. I do recognise that you always have to take a leap of faith when it comes to religion however. I have never been to a divine liturgy, but I know of a church that will be holding it tomorrow. Maybe i will be guided...
>>84481421>But I cant make myself go back, since I have problems with the religion I used to practice.What religion did you believe in before?>I cant bring myself to believe Jesus was the son of God. Why have I just recently fallen out of love with abrahamatic faiths? And i find no logic in other faiths either. I believe in God, but its hard to believe in any of the religions.I'm probably the last mofo to give advice on religion or life(my dumb ass used to praise the blood moon for a year since it used to show up a lot and just abandoned me out of the blue) but there definitely was some dude named Jesus who got put on a stick and killed with another stick. I guess all I can ask is do you value the message of the christian bible? What exactly do you find interesting in being a nun or would had value in your life besides the devotion aspect? Maybe you should try to put some devotion towards bettering your self and/or maybe loved ones. Something something your body is a temple. Like for me god is everything, in the sense that he is every atom. I am of little faith in myself.
>>84482065>What religion did you believe in before?I was a muslim. I had a very tumultuous relationship with the faith, and as a result I stopped practicing. I like the clarity of the faith, its very straight to the point, but its also cruel. The way it sees and treats women is so bizarre. Its part of the reason why I havent gone back. But I feel like all religions are like this, pessimistic towards women. Am I being a presentist? I dont know... maybe the reason i have lost faith is because I have become too modern. I feel as though religions never really have women in mind, but maybe im just being too modern. >I guess all I can ask is do you value the message of the christian bible?The teachings of humility, and i generally find the religion to put an emphasis on turning to God on a personal level. Christianity isnt as structured as Islam, but it doesn't pretend to have all the answers. Whereas Islam, its not just a faith or a way of life, it goes from the individual level all the way to the political and societal level. But its a belief that can be suffocating, especially as a woman. I feel as though Christianity has less resentment to humanity, and it teaches us to be truly humble and devout, while it still sanctifies us. We dont just return to God, we achieve theosis, we unite with Him.>What exactly do you find interesting in being a nun or would had value in your life besides the devotion aspect?Besides the devotion aspect, I feel like its a truthful life. You are kinda cutting out everything that doesn't matter, and condensing it to what really matters in life, leading a Godly life. To me, that is the sweetest life, a truthful life. Its part of the reason why I always feel so out of place. I have been trying to just "enjoy life" but I always end up having a derealisation moment, and i keep thinking "what the hell am I doing" and then I cant enjoy it anymore. This chase for distractions, living like there is no tomorrow, its all a lie.
>>84481421You can fucking do it. fembot. Find christ and lead that life.
>>84481421Just do it and don't think too hard. Or lie.>but lying is bad!Once you get older you realize there are no rules and nothing matters. A sociopathic liar who saves people is a million times more useful than a pure innocent truth speaker who never does anything for moral reasons. You don't get points for trying in this life, only succeeding.
>>84482246>I always end up having a derealisation moment, and i keep thinking "what the hell am I doing" and then I cant enjoy it anymore.hahaha XD
>>84482246>I was a muslimSo you're a middle eastern chick?>But I feel like all religions are like this, pessimistic towards women. Am I being a presentist? I dont know... maybe the reason i have lost faith is because I have become too modern. I feel as though religions never really have women in mind, but maybe im just being too modern.>I feel as though Christianity has less resentment to humanity, and it teaches us to be truly humble and devout, while it still sanctifies us. We dont just return to God, we achieve theosis, we unite with Him.Depends on which branches and sec when it comes to Christianity I guess. Once again I'm a former blood moon tard who hasn't gone to a church in months(most churches hurt my head outside of the one within walking distance, I like that one).>You are kinda cutting out everything that doesn't matter, and condensing it to what really matters in life, leading a Godly life. Pretty sure you can do that without becoming a nun. Just seems like you want to replace the structure of Islam with the structure of a convent(group of nuns)/nunnery. Maybe you can get a job at a nunnery?>I have been trying to just "enjoy life" but I always end up having a derealisation moment, and i keep thinking "what the hell am I doing" and then I cant enjoy it anymore.Quarter life crisis?
>>84482263Lmao that picrel. Maybe i will. I hope I find some way out of this existential hell hole. I struggle with sleeping at night, im so anxious I'll die like this and then get sent to hell.>>84482280>You don't get points for trying in this life, only succeeding.Litteraly this. I agree with you anon but we disagree on what it even means to be successful. This life is unfair and miserable, its not a place of rest, its a place of struggles. We dont get what we deserve. Justice in this world is fundamentally impossible, because we humans are fundamentally flawed. What is the meaning of all this? If the world was going to be so cruel, why was i given a conscience? Why was i given thoughts? Empathy? Why could I not operate like other animals? I believe in justice, but when will it come? To me, lying is just cheating, and being successful is to be pure. We gain nothing in this life, because everything there is to gain is in the next. And if there is no next, id honestly want to kill myself because of how meaningless this all is.
Nun porn is hot. You can produce some
>>84482464>So you're a middle eastern chick?Something like that>Depends on which branches and sec when it comes to Christianity I guess. I know, but I dont want to believe in modern bullshit, its dishonest onto the true essence of the faith. I dont want to cherry pick, that doesn't sit right with me. I feel like all of this would have been easier if I was just a man. Every older ideology and religion is so centered around how men operate. And again, cherry picking feels too dishonest.>Quarter life crisis?I fear it is this. And it hit me like a truck... my whole identity for years was that I wanted to become an Islamic clergy, and now im not even muslim anymore. How hilarious. I have no clue how im going to go through this. The easier option is maybe to stay doing what I did, but I dont know if I could.
Are u the anon who wanted to become a priest but couldn't because you're a woman? Anyways I recommend Fear and Trembling by Kierkegaard
>>84482567No im not actually, but I'll put fear and trembling on my reading list :)
>>84481942You should read Mother Teresa's memoirs. She herself had very frequent doubts even into her old age and she is literally the person you think of when you imagine piousness. Everyone has doubts, Saint Peter himself denied Christ 3 times, anyone claiming 100% certainty in their faith is lying.If you feel called to the monastic life, do it, I believe you'd find more satisfaction than you know even if you have your reservations.
Similar but male side. Somewhat asexual, always been a hermit and spiritual. My early twenties were heavily shaped by Orthodox Christianity, and I very much wanted to become a monk. There's actually a ROCOR monastery not too far from me. I never did due to anxiety + wanting to stick around family. But, now in my late 20s, I still have that whisper in my head constantly saying 'do it'. It comes and goes in intensity, but never leaves. I don't know if I'll ever get the courage to. Maybe when my mom passes I'll wake up and just decide fine, it's time.God bless, OP.
>>84482542>Something like thatI'm going to assume you look like how that weird Elfinpsyop chick looks like irl.>I wanted to become an Islamic clergyIslam lets chicks into their clergy?>How hilarious. I have no clue how im going to go through this. The easier option is maybe to stay doing what I did, but I dont know if I could.Maybe hit the gym?
God the orthodox have such an appealing aesthetic Makes me ashamed I grew up with protestant slop
>>84482779Lutherans have a pretty good aesthetic.
OP you seem like a thoughtful person but maybe a bit of an OVER-thinker? even the most atheistic person probably worries there's a Hell every now and then.i dunno, it just sounds like there could be a secular 'solution' whatever religious beliefs you actually have. practically, you could impose your own rules and live a hermetical life or whatever it is. maybe you'd lose the 'aesthetic' or surety of a prescribed religion...?anyway you know Ithat slam (or at least a lot of Muslims) can treat women poorly, presumably you do not want that, so i don't know, that suggests you're a person with agency and beliefs of your own. your 'identity' is just your personality.>>84482065>my dumb ass used to praise the blood moon for a year since it used to show up a lot and just abandoned me out of the bluelol wut
>>84482762>I'm going to assume you look like how that weird Elfinpsyop chick looks like irlSure, i dont care>Islam lets chicks into their clergy?No it doesn't, I should maybe have been more clear. I wanted to be a scholar, study the scripture intensively. I even enrolled myself in classical Arabic courses, but I never came far and I ended up dropping it after my religeous fall off. I have aways wanted to lead a righteous life, one where I was constanly seeking purification. But how will I become pure now? Litteraly no faith has a hold of my heart. And i keep thinking about orthodoxy, I keep wanting to just leave this world. Maybe i should just pull up to liturgy tomorrow. >Maybe hit the gym?I already am. >>84482758Do it anon. You aren't leaving your family permanently, youre just devoting yourself. Youre closer than what I am. I think we both can, I just need to find the divine inspiration in myself. You have faith and conviction... I dont sadly. Why do you want to stay by your mother's side? Is she ill?>>84482667>I believe you'd find more satisfaction than you know even if you have your reservations.I think so too. What you shared about doubts was profound, I'll never be 100% convicted. Its all faith. A leap of faith.
>>84482805>lol wutSomething something my life sucked for a bit, local churches left me to dry, and for some reason the moon was just red for a year in my area. So my dumb as was like fuck it I'm a gonna praise the blood moon as a joke. Then life started getting better after it so I took it legit. Then moon stopped being red for a month straight and hasn't been red in 8 months. So going back to Christianity like a rebound.>>84482832>Sure, i dont careDid I come off as rude. If so, sorry. >Litteraly no faith has a hold of my heart.Maybe first try having faith in yourself?>I keep wanting to just leave this world. This is the concerning part? You keep talking about wanting to leave this world. Like you trying to escape something? >I already am.Cool
>>84482805Agency isnt enough anon. You ever stop to think how pointless all of this would be? Why do we do anything? Anything at all? For what? For whom? And oftentimes our efforts go to waste anyway. How tragic isnt that! A world where some are condemned to constant suffering, and others to constant provision. What happened to all the pain and injustice in the world? To all the evil people who roam the face of this earth? Will there be no justice? Are we condemned to suffering, with no remedy? No justice? Do we just come to be and then die? Is that it?Is this it?If this is it then id genuinely blast my brains out.Its not for the aesthetic. I dont want to accept that there is no justice, and no meaning to be found whatsoever.
>>84481421How do you feel about other non abrahamic traditions. It doesn't have to be a religion either. The oldest form of spirituality and viewing the world was animism. Origin of all mystical experiences and religious texts comes from some form of shamanic training.
>>84482878>Did I come off as rude. If so, sorry.Not at all, I just dont look like her lmao. Im not opposed to you imagining that girl being a an orthodox nun, i find it a little funny even.>Maybe first try having faith in yourself?>Like you trying to escape something?I feel like I came of a bit pessimistic, sorry for that. I do believe there is much beauty in this world, but I cant rub off the feeling that its all an "illusion" of sorts. I feel as though we see this world as a place where good happens, but thats just not accurate. Its all a distraction from the harsh sides of existance, which is pain, suffering, injustice and death. Im trying to find some consolation for this, some higher meaning. Sure one can cope with a meaning you create yourself, but that in essence doesn't matter. There is no truth to it, its just cope. I want to find the truth of this miserable existance, the "true" cope of sorts since I believe that exists. Im just confused as to how to find it, how to get there.
>>84482935I havent really looked into animism, or non abrahamatic traditions really. I dont really fuck with polytheism as I find it absurd. A single omnipotent being makes more sense to me. There is not much logic to polytheism, it is very much so worship just to do so. I mean thats kinda the case with all religions, but there must one true religion at least. There must be some truth to be found in this world right?>Origin of all mystical experiences and religious texts comes from some form of shamanic training.Elaborate
>>84482955>Not at all, I just dont look like her lmao. Got it>Im not opposed to you imagining that girl being a an orthodox nun, i find it a little funny even.She's half middle eastern so I just assume you were like a half mid east chick by the "Something like that". Though that chick becoming a nun would be a biblical miracle.>I feel like I came of a bit pessimistic, sorry for thatNo need to apologize. I'm a pessimistic person too.>I feel as though we see this world as a place where good happens, but thats just not accurate. I mean even in the heavens bad shit happened(something something Satan being a dick and that's why god kicked him out of heaven).I think for humanity's whole existence we are in confusion.
>>84482890I was having the same thoughts a few days ago considering nature of this world and I struggle with it a lot. The problem is probably me/you. Our limited mind, perception and logic can't grasp beyond itself. We think truth is something to be found or life some puzzle to be solved. You could spend your entire life researching secrets of the universe and still not get it.
>>84482567not op and not sure if there was another one but hi, i said that here before>>84481421been feeling the calling since i was 12 despite not being baptized and disliking my history in catholic schooling. it can be a comfort to read about the women of the church before you. i like the mystics, primarily marguerite porete and hildegard of bingen, and the letters of abelard and heloise. marian devotion and libertarian theology is nice to read in conjunction with the heresies of the brethren of the free spirit and the histories of beguines and beghards. if discussing the mysticism of agape interests you, hadwejich and mechthild of magdeburg have more writings on divine love. personally i found it helpful to focus on being a vector for agape and mercy to all mankind and choose to see and nurture the good in everyone and everything as a laywoman. maybe not an official confessor, but someone people can confess to and be comforted by, yknow? there is plenty of beauty in all world religions. and terror. despite being protestant, real public universal friend hours.what is it specifically that calls you, sister? in your devotion, how do you feel called to express it for god?
>>84483029You misunderstand polytheism. I am not talking about polytheism or worship btw. Back in the prehistoric times humans were fighting for survival in nature and through trial and error they developed practical tools and understanding of the world that helped them survive. Before priests there were shamans. Individuals that possesed abilities to perceive the spirit world and cultivate energy for combat and healing. All the saints and mystics you hear about are in essence spiritually gifted individuals akin to old shamans.
>>84483034>Though that chick becoming a nun would be a biblical miracle.You never know! God guides whom he wills...>I think for humanity's whole existence we are in confusion.As someone who wants to seek clarity in everything, this is difficult for me to accept. But youre right. I genuinely cannot come over how miserable this is. Why were we even given a conscience if we arent able to answer the most important questions.Unrelated but you text funny (something something)>>84483035How can one even deal with this? Not being able to answer the most important questions? >You could spend your entire life researching secrets of the universe and still not get it.Thats just incredibly sad. We will do some much, but we may never find truth. Genuine sui fuel.>>84483055>what is it specifically that calls you, sister? in your devotion, how do you feel called to express it for god?To leave the world of neglecting God, and rather to seek the very essence of meaning. I find it difficult to just lead a life of enjoyment, and I very much so want to be devoted fully. I find it hard to find a middle ground, I struggle with finding middle grounds in general, if i want something, i want to give it my everything, especially something like this. Living an ascetic life seems more compatible with my way of life and how i have operated even before finding christ. And I find that the monastery would be the best home for me, to truly seek purification for my sins.
>>84482878>my dumb as was like fuck it I'm a gonna praise the blood moonhahah this is hilarious. glad the moon gave you its blessing, anon. now don't anger it, we don't want a Majora's Mask situation on our hands.
>>84482779orthodoxy has an unmatched aura
>>84482955arguably because there is no inherent meaning what meaning we assign it is what meaning it has. what matters is what you want the world to be and how you change it to make it so. for many doubtful aspirants doing so is how they reify their faith in the divine. make gods love manifest, immanentize the eschaton, tikkun olam, no? we are all vessels even if not the theotokos herself. it is a choice each day what you do with your despair because despair for humanity will always exist in a thoughtful heart. what will you do? succumb, survive, strategize, succeed? cloister yourself? seek atonement? seek transcendence? punish the world, observe it from afar as in but not of, or be a representative of christ on earth?
>>84483072>Individuals that possesed abilities to perceive the spirit world and cultivate energy for combat and healing. All the saints and mystics you hear about are in essence spiritually gifted individuals akin to old shamans.Never heard this take before... do you have any readings on this?Im feeling very sleepy so I think its my time to go
>>84483133In zen they say a thousand questions is one question. The question is you.
>>84483133ah, the passion. have you read of the penitent magdalene, the desert mothers, or specifically of mary of egypt? different orders have different purposes, it might be worth it looking online to see if there are any that appeal to the cloistered asceticism you seek. i am more familiar with the ones devoted to the works of mercy. the steps to becoming a nun involve close to a decade from aspirate through postulant and novitiate to temporary and then perpetual vows. if you feel a calling, it is worth it to reach out to women of the cloth if only to discern whether this is something that truly interests you or not. it sounds like a core part of your personhood. if you feel false in the presence of their sincerity, you have your answer.what sins do you think need purification, sister? we are all sinners.
>>84483150Look up daoism and neigong. Even if you don't vibe with the tradition I think you could find it interesting. Good night.
>>84483133>You never know! God guides whom he wills...Self hating Pakistani gooner v tuber chick turns nun, would make for a good movie>As someone who wants to seek clarity in everything, this is difficult for me to accept. But youre right. I genuinely cannot come over how miserable this is. Why were we even given a conscience if we arent able to answer the most important questions.>Unrelated but you text funny (something something)I wish I was this funny in real life or while texting people I know. Now if only I remember where I picked up the something something part.>>84483140Trust me I don't wanna piss off the moon. I played dead space. Fucking brotha moons, bruh.Though yeah it was kind of weird getting the new job, I find new comic lines I like, and friends being nicer to me once blood moon praising commence. Now blood moon is gone and some shit went to shit but not the stuff I "attribute" to the blood moon.
>>84481421God accepts you even though you're a tranny OP
>>84481421>I hope faith returns to me once more.From doing it not for it's own sake, one comes to do it for it's own sake. Purpose will come from action, not the other way around. And, even if it never happens, you will still be doing good.
Read the Psalms, anon. Witness the yearning David had for Christ who had not yet even been incarnate.
If it was a legitimate calling from God to serve Him, the Devil would hate that. He would want to take that away from you.
