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I feel I am destined to fall for a girl with bpd because my sister has it and we've always been very closed so I think she very much influenced my "feminine rolemodel". I can't imagine spending time with stoic woman. I am very accustomed to the emotional intensity and enthusisasm of girls with bpd and I naturally comfort and support them and I love to hear their endless yapping and I am very understanding of their constant changes of plans.

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sorry for killing your thread, op...

>>84500382
I appreciate
>>84501303
The bumps


BPD relationships are very challenging. If you can handle one then I think your partner will be lucky. Although the goal should be eventually healing them

What's the "starter advice" on friendship/romance with someone who by her own words has BPD? She's never alarmed me but she has isolated to calm down multiple times. Always comes back and we're happy to welcome her back.

grgrgrrrrriwk
bpd isnt' even real woof

grrr janny grr janny grr

>>84501493
OP here.
Starter advice is that you should be aware the situation is much more intense than it might seem on the surface. It's very good that you are letting her leave to calm down and don't feel anxious about that. We can become actually suicidal within minutes of a single social discomfort and have a distorted perception of what others are saying and intending for us.
So be advised this situation is very serious.
The other thing to remember is when you have a fight she is going to say and do things to hurt you because she will feel extremely betrayed. You can go from the point of her life to her actual enemy. Take that word seriously - this is not a regular fight. Enemy.
Then she will switch back. If she can even remember that she said anything cruel, she will say she didn't mean it. But there is extreme amnesia when we are this upset and we aren't pretending, our minds do not encode memories accurately or at all if we are upset enough. Something about the hippocampus or amygdala being jacked up.
BPD people have damaged autobiographical memory as well. Hippocampus shrinks from years of extreme stress. I can barely remember my own life.
It's been easy to forget my ex partners but the instinctual trauma is still there. Very challenging.

If you want to save her you need to have serious boundaries and be willing to lose her. Don't give in to her but don't get aggressive back. Don't take the bait. Hold those boundaries firm.
If you are being idealized, don't get addicted to the feeling. Remember that you are freaking with someone who is insane. We really do love you that much, but that intensity is unsustainable in the long term
Get addicted to it and your life will be ruined.
Be realistic: is this woman's mental illness worth dealing with? Because the end result is either she gets better and starts acting normal or you have you life ruined. You decide.
You will get a very loyal partner if they heal but the insane desire will not be permanent

>>84501615
having grown up with only female and male family members and male partners with bpd i would like to say i have nothing against you but dear god that argument portion you described is terrible. you have self-awareness but most people with this, or at least the ones i have been stuck with, do not.
>>84501493
if that argument description seems offputting, i would advise being with this girl. op is not overestimating when he says she will treat you like a true bone-deep enemy here. if anything he is underselling it. when she splits she will do anything in her power to hurt you and completely justify it to herself and anyone else later. this includes getting physical, manipulating others to portray you as villainous if not outright abusive, and can include actual charges and police. i have had multiple people try to kill me during this because there is no functioning script here other than to completely back the fuck off and bunker down as they scream and try to break down your door OR for you to respond so sadistically in kind through pure psychological demolition that they revert to their abused childlike state and start bawling. you dont want either of these scenarios if you are not a sociopath yourself.

>>84501683
>you have self-awareness but most people with this, or at least the ones i have been stuck with, do not.
I am a specific type of BPD. I wasn't beaten or sexually abused, but neglected. So I don't flash back to extreme specific trauma.
Underneath my condition I'm very emphatic and I've got a very high IQ. I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me for decades and doing literally everything I could think of to get to the bottom of why my life was such a mess.
So when I got the diagnosis I immediately started working on it.
I've gotten to the point where I openly tell people I'm seriously mentally unwell and I do not allow myself to believe my own thoughts. This has led to rapid improvement - basically I treat specific loved ones as the 'source of Truth'
If they say I'm splitting, acting scary, or being delusional I immediately stop in my tracks, stop talking,and start listening to them.
99% of the time they turn out to be correct and I apologize.
Nobody is perfect but nothing productive is going to happen if I'm being insane.
I couldn't have done this without some extremely trustworthy people in my life.

I guess more advice for you: >>84501493

Don't lie to a BPD person. It's a very bad idea. We will never trust you and you will have doomed the relationship. Our paranoia is extreme and will never rest if you are caught lying

>>84501615
Thank you for the insight!
>We can become actually suicidal within minutes of a single social discomfort
Reminds me I learned from her recently that she experiences agoraphobia. I've definitely had a good introduction and only good times with this person when they were in the a headspace where they felt they could interact.
A friend more mature than either of us introduced us and she's the one who decided to outright befriend me. Says she has trouble not being too forward (or what she thinks could be too forward for a new friend) and knowing where to set boundaries. For me it just seemed like enthusiasm but that goes to show how difference in perception can be.
>extreme amnesia
Checks out in my mind. It was quite common growing up that teachers would educate us on calming down before acting, in part due to how it was apparently common for people to forget what they do when heated. So it makes sense there could be a more extreme version. I will keep "enemy" in mind. My best friend became that once, but she didn't have drinks in the house that could become impromptu weapons.
>idealized
I chalked it up to our friendship being new, so it was easy for her to have only a positive impression, especially after the good that more mature friend said. But since I was taught to be humble and keep in mind how our life circumstances can change in a snap, I tried to temper expectations from the get-go. It's kind of alarming to me for someone to have a better impression than I think I have earned, sweet as their intentions are.
I'm not sure if we will ever date, I even told her early on that there are financial goals I'd like to accomplish first before going to visit and hang out with her. Her dad seems really cool from what she's said and I've often enjoyed meeting the parents of friends. She's mentioned having to take medication for the rest of her life, so she's ended up on the list of friends/acquaintances I'd like to help in the long-run.

>>84501683
>>84501733
I appreciate all this insight as well. I mentioned an ex before that treated me like an enemy socially, so the idea of someone scaling it up to physical violence makes sense when combined with the intensity I've heard BPD can produce.
As a different girl describes it, living alone, her brand of BPD sometimes causes what the calls "woman moments" where she ends up making decisions that hurt her and she regrets later. Although both girls are actively trying to become more and more mature, as they'd like to get married to someone someday.
>break down your door
I had considered the dangers of someone who is not a drunkard but keeps large bottles of vodka around. However, the effort it takes to keep going at a door is on a level I hadn't considered. That persistence despite the way the door might still be locked. It's insightful to know I might end up wrestling a person into a lock just to stop something worse from happening, not that it would improve the person's mood or impression of me in that moment.

>>84501738
You seem very well adjusted for a 4chan user. Your lack of desperation is key, hold on to that! Deciding to be with a mentally ill person romantically is a big decision and I encourage anyone in this situation to think very hard about it. Make sure you like yourself enough to have boundaries before entering into this. Good luck

>>84501800
At some point someone imparted the idea that "fun" is just a small part of "fundamentals". An illustration of how joy is part of life, but also that learning to get a grip on the basics or the essentials, it's like building a bridge, allowing life to continue smoothly across otherwise dangerous terrain. So even at the "cost" of seeming less fun at times, try to keep what's practical in mind, not just what feels good. Anyway, thank you for your well wishes. 4chan is a great source of learning and starting point for research.

>>84501895
That's a good lesson. I will keep it in mind for myself

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>>84502041
Well met anon

>>84500217
OP of the oregano thread here, and thank you for the response
>My BPD is not from physical or sexual abuse
I guess here's the biggest difference between me and you
I'm fine/at peace with the neglect that happened during my childhood itself, and while I clearly do have some mommy/daddy issues (desperate need of appreciation and all that), the reason I spiraled is way deeper and formed me into someone who pleases and appeals instead of, well, just being
was basically living by the philosophy of 'fake it till you make it' just to get validation
a lair, to be completely honest
>My life is a series of events where I hurt people while thinking I'm the victim
sorta same
while it lasts, I do realize in the back of my head that what I do hide or how I am making it is bothering me, but I shove it away,
trying to cover my flaws of being weak and unstable with validation and of course people do notice and get hurt, and it just becomes a guilt/fear roller coaster
worst part is that I often experienced this moment of 'hey, it's been over a year, I'm actually over the heartbreak, see things through, and can behave,' all before finding yet another person and falling for the same own-made trap
It's true, I can be myself, without any deep attachments, but, for my partner, I just want to be perfect, and I was indeed idealizing that 'self-sacrifice' to cope with the wrongdoings
I do stay away from the relationships for now
but there's also a grain of salt to it, because back in my head I still have that desire to be loved, something-something attaching a band aid to a gangrene
not 100% sure, but at least I do see the pattern very clearly now and I do try my best not to deceive myself anymore

>>84502963
Hey, I'm glad you found the thread. It sounds like you have a lot of good insight into yourself. I think, maybe I'm being too optimistic.. but that insight is really big and I think a lot of BPD people don't have it. Once you start getting your hooks into exactly what your behavior problem is, it's obviously going to be easier to recover.

I can't totally relate to your specific behavior patterns, but I can relate to the general feeling of being unable to control your responses in a way that would be functional.

I do have some people pleasing in me for sure. But it usually manifests as me agreeing to do all sorts of things that make people around me feel loved and then flipping out when I've I've promised to do 48 hours of work and I only have 3 hours to do it in. Then I get upset at somebody and they feel hurt and I feel frustrated because I feel like they asked me to do something so I had to do it.
I'm learning to Pace myself and not agree to too many things just to make people happy in the moment.
Being comfortable setting boundaries with other people is a challenge. When I love somebody I feel like I need to constantly dote on them. And when someone asked me for something feel like I'm being coerced even if they are legitimately only asking. It feels painful to say no to somebody.
But people who really love you will be happier if you take care of yourselves and set realistic boundaries for what you can do for other people. You have to take care of yourself or you're going to flip out and it's going to do much more damage than whatever kind thing you were planning to do

>>84500217
was traumatized by someone with bpd and ended up myself getting a undefined pd lul

>>84503083
>you have a lot of good insight into yourself
yeah, but it came at a cost, and the conclusions were made before even receiving any therapy, just tons and tons of self-reflection while suffocating from the consequences of breakups
I realized that's something off a bit too late and don't get how the fuck I was this delusional for frigging years
>I feel like they asked me to do something so I had to do it.
I have something like that in the grand scheme of things. A list of 'good things I've done' scribbled back to my head in which I tap when I have the egoistic need to remind myself how hard I worked to deserve the validation
As for 'immediate' response - sometimes I do get upset for not feeling like I met the expectations from the get go, for example, doing sort of activity together, especially the ones I know beforehand I lack talent for and need to invest a lot of time, like music
this feeling backfires and I actually see the disappointment that I gave up that easily and chose own need to be comforted instead of just enjoying the process together. Because I never was judged in the first place
>When I love somebody I feel like I need to constantly dote on them. And when someone asked me for something feel like I'm being coerced even if they are legitimately only asking
second part only happens when I spiral down and see things off
as for the dote part...
it's relatable - an odd mix of the actual feel, and, well, a quick validation-checkpoint I need to obsessively monitor just to make things are okay

>>84503444
trauma breeds trauma, very few can't handle that and come out in one piece, and very few solve own issues at all
realization that most people out there are not to blame for what happened to them and couldn't find a way out without hurting someone else (because their perception is fucked up and often needs some form of traumatic event to snap out of it) is a double edged-sword, too

>>84503521
Good luck brother. This is a hard life

hope all y'all get violently throatfucked by a big mandingo nigger who then proceeds to dump yo ass

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I hope you all get gently but passionately embraced by your favourite person while they say they love you and will never leave you <3