hello anon, how are you doing today? good job on making it through another week! i know things can be difficult, and you're doing great. but if you wanna vent about something you can do it here, ill listen. also, do you think you're good at keeping secrets?
>>84860077nice dubsI am the best at keeping secrets, everybody knows this, everybody has been saying this. no one keeps secrets better than me.
The tools I need to travel to Gensokyo got delayed by one day, so that's pretty awful. I've felt abysmal the last week. The only thing that calms me down is knowing that I can end it all soon. The only thing that motivates me is seeing it through. I keep a lot of secrets. I don't know if I'm good at it or not. I'll take quite a few to the grave.
im going fucking schizo
>>84860114no you aren't, I can hear the voices in your walls too.
>>84860077Not feeling the best lately, I've had so little motivation to do anything. I think I am just naturally lazy. Life is pretty all right in most regards, I'm just too lazy and it makes me feel bad about wasting my time.
>>84860088nice dubs to you too anon>best at keeping secrets, everybody knows thishmmm....>>84860106i think ive seen your thread about going to gensokyo a few days ago. im not going to bother you with the old "oh but dont kill yourself its bad" stuff, still, i have tried to kill myself a few times and, there are moments of realization where i think im glad i failed. things dont really get better, but you kinda just get used to living and you start to enjoy the little things that make you happy for a while. i dont blame you for wanting to opt out though. whatever you choose to do anone, i hope you're gonna be okay.>>84860114scary. are you seeing things? you know there's rats in your skin right? rats rats rats we are the rats. okay sorry ill stop.>>84860214>I am just naturally lazyi might be coming to the conclusion that maybe its not really mental issues making my life so hard, its just me being a loser. who knows! im still going to blame mental issues though. are you done with school and exams yet?
i can feel years of 4chan programming trying to leave my mind and body. i fear i may be destroyed in the process.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5c0TUPV3ZZI
>>84860077Feeling somewhat miserable. I'm unable to make long lasting friendships and people are repulsed by me.>you're good at keeping secretsI'm such a blabber when it comes to things relating to me. but when it comes to other people my lips are shut
>>84860247My last attempt felt really nice. It was sublime. It's up there with the sensation of holding hands with someone that means a lot to you. It's my last gateway to some sense of purpose.
>>84860247>its just me being a loserI think it's the mental issues making me into a loser, so, they are one and the same in a sense. Though I must admit there are people with worse mental issues than me who are still doing better than me, so maybe I'm just especially bad somehow.I'm done with those things, it's nice to feel a bit more relaxed again, but now I'm stressed about trying not to waste my summer. How about you?>>84860255I have difficulty making deep friendships. Most people I struggle to have a long conversation with, both in real life and in texting.
>>84860251i think its your body trying to save you from yourself anon, embrace change, dont fight against it desu.>>84860255>people are repulsed by me.are you sure or is that just your brain telling you so? im gonna assume its the brain. dont listen to it, it loves lying to us. where have you tried to find friends?>blabber when it comes to things relating to mekind of the same if im with friends. if i know i shouldnt say something to someone i kinda feel even more need to do so... i dunno why. if its about others though im able to do a perfect poker face.>>84860284what did you try to do last time? if i may ask. when i tried i didnt really feel much considering i lost consciousness pretty fast.>purposedying takes away your purpose though no? if there's any intrinsic purpose we have it would be living.>>84860341>the mental issues making me into a losergood point i suppose, but dont you think some people are just losers on the inside? no matter how much advantages or help they get, how much better their life gets or is, they're just rotten on the inside? >trying not to waste my summeryou got any ideas on how to do that?>How about you?meh. trying to gaslight myself into thinking things are fine. its not working.
>>84860255if you tell me a secret i promise i'll keep it too.
>>84860449>good point i suppose, but dont you think some people are just losers on the inside? no matter how much advantages or help they get, how much better their life gets or is, they're just rotten on the inside?Honestly yeah. I feel like some people are just doomed... >you got any ideas on how to do that?If I could get myself to stop procrastinating on this here computer, it would be easy to have a fun summer, but god I spend so much time on Youtube and 4chan and Discord and other stuff. Are you wasting your summer or having a good one?>meh. trying to gaslight myself into thinking things are fine. its not working.Sometimes the copes don't be working at all. I like to have a good night's sleep or a long shower, those usually calm me down. But I kind of hate it when you feel like shit and there's not much you can do to feel better. Maybe you could call a friend and get your mind off things by talking to them. Or maybe you could drown yourself in alcohol, that's been an effective treatment for ages.I hope the thoughts aren't treating you too badly though.>when i tried i didnt really feel much considering i lost consciousness pretty fast.This makes me kind of curious but I suppose asking for suicide attempt details is pretty morbid.I've never really had a serious suicide attempt, they were always half-assed. ...which is a good thing.
>>84860493>some people are just doomedare you?>so much time on Youtube and 4chan and Discord and other stuffwhy though? if its easy to choose the other option, which would be a fun summer, why are you still here? do you really enjoy spending time online as much as you'd enjoy doing whatever else it is you like during the summer? or maybe its not actually easy to choose the other option. do you have the means to have a fun summer? what would even be a fun summer?>Are you wasting your summer or having a good one?i guess it depends on who you ask that question to, but i think mine is going better than the last ones. definitely one of the best ones ive had. though the standards are not that high.>when you feel like shit and there's not much you can doi find myself in that situation often. when it happens i either shut down and i just do nothing, or things start escalating and i get more and more anxious and i feel like im not really in control of my thoughts anymore. its hard to explain, whenever things spiral out every thought that i usually manage to keep out of my head comes flooding in, all at once, they physically hurt and i can do nothing but just try to stay still and not do anything until it goes away. if i really cant handle it then i take some benzos and that helps, but im trying to rawdog it everytime because i dont want to get addicted. it really hurts though. i wouldnt wish it on anyone honestly.>is pretty morbiddo you know on which website we're on? also, i just tried to overdose. nothing special. good thing you didnt try. its not fun waking up after
I'm beyond despair. I no longer care about fitting or buy shiny new things. I have had a happy life in retrospect, and I did everything I wanted to do. My life is coming to an end soon, that's all. Not sad, not happy, just the way it is.
>>84860077>hello anonHaiiiiii Anon!! Waow the threads just keep getting earlier and earlier, this is super nice! I'm a little late 'cause I just now got on my PC but I guess there's still the whole day ahead of us so it's okay.>good job on making it through another week!Thank you, and same to you! How has your week been? Mine was boring but alright I guess. I still haven't made a call to any of the other clinics like I was supposed to ugh.. maybe I'll try to do that today. Annoyingly both my dad and mom messaged me asking about how the progress is with looking for apartments, and that ruined my mood a bit... I still haven't replied to them, why must it be so hard... I guess I'll try to do that today as well. Bleh.>vent Hmm don't really have much else to vent about. I guess I have a work meeting later today that's stressing me out, we have a new supervisor who is going to be hosting it so I don't know what to expect really... I hope I don't have to say anything. The last one we had I just sat there in silence with my microphone muted and no one asked me anything so I didn't say a single word the whole time lole. I hope this one goes like that too but since the new supervisor doesn't know any of us I bet she's gonna ask us to introduce ourselves or something aughghghhgg. God I'm gonna be so anxious.Also I finally got fed up with being a fatass and decided to go on a diet. Well not really a diet because I don't have a strict calorie limit or anything but I'm gonna try not eating too much junk or stuffing myself so full I have to lie down anymore. Second day today and it's going pretty well so far, strangely enough I feel fuller than before and am not constantly craving stuff, I guess actually listening to your hunger signals instead of eating out of boredom and to get a dopamine hit really helps. Hopefully it doesn't get harder as time goes on.Cont.
>>84860077>>84860580Cont.>do you think you're good at keeping secrets?That's a good question... Have I ever been entrusted with a secret? I think a few times, but I don't remember too well. I would dare say I'm pretty good at keeping them though? I do sadly have an impulse to gossip pretty often, like, I enjoy discussing other people with people, but I am also pretty good at inhibiting that impulse and try not to discuss other people's flaws, at least. I feel like it's a bit of a jerk move to do that when the person isn't there to defend or justify themselves. I don't really hold back from sharing positive or neutral things however, even though that's questionable as well... personally I would hate for someone to talk about me to other people, even if they only say positive things, simply because I am a very private person, so maybe it's bad of me to not do the same for other people. But then, some people aren't private and don't mind it at all if you talk about them to others, so it's all individual. I guess I just have to have some knowledge of how the person is in regards to this stuff. I know you are very private as well so I do hold back from talking about you to others as much as I can, I find it very common that I want to say something about you in a random thread to other Anons lole but I try not to.If someone actually does entrust me with a secret I think I'd get the impulse to tell people about it but I'm pretty sure I would notice it in time to hold back from actually saying anything. So I think I'd be pretty okay at keeping secrets. Though, I kind of love and hate the idea of them. If I can tell someone is about to share a secret with me I might tell them to refrain because for some things I feel like it's really best to be open about stuff and I'd feel like I'm colluding with them if I keep the secret. Cont.
>>84860553>are you?Feels like I am, though I have an almost delusional level of hope. I often just feel like a failed normalfag. It's so close, within reach, and yet something in my brain keeps fucking me up.I think I am just weak to modern internet addiction, mostly. There's a cocktail of reasons causing my problems, I think..why though? if its easy to choose the other option, which would be a fun summer, why are you still here? do you really enjoy spending time online as much as you'd enjoy doing whatever else it is you like during the summer? or maybe its not actually easy to choose the other option. do you have the means to have a fun summer? what would even be a fun summer?Well, first of all, my brain tends to prefer low-effort instant gratification over high-effort things. So often I'll just go on 4chan or Youtube all day because it takes zero effort. Secondly, internet stuff is really addictive to me. Partly it's because of the way the websites are designed, and partly it's because of how convenient the internet is. The convenience is a real killer. I have an ideal summer I dream of that sounds fun in my head. Whether it's actually fun I don't know, but I do know that anything else is better than rotting in this virtual asylum.>i guess it depends on who you ask that question to, but i think mine is going better than the last ones. definitely one of the best ones ive had. though the standards are not that high.Tell me about the highlights! Any life-changing experiences?
>>84860449>dying takes away your purpose though no? if there's any intrinsic purpose we have it would be living.The only purpose I care about anymore is escaping the hellish, pathetic life I exist in the confines of. I refuse to participate any further, deprived of the simplicity the entire world around me enjoys. I don't belong anywhere. With anyone.
>>84860077>>84860587Cont.But if they do end up blurting it out then I'd probably still keep it, unless I feel it's super morally wrong like if they are cheating on someone. Then I'd encourage them to be honest but if they refuse I'd still reveal the secret probably. On the other hand I do kind of love the idea of secrets, the scenario where it's just me and another person who know something and literally no one else in the world knows it is very intimate and signifies how much trust you have in each other, so I do find it really appealing in that sense. Whenever someone shares a secret with me it makes me feel much closer emotionally to that person I think. I wish I had someone that we could do something secret together with... maybe I've watched too much anime but like imagine if you and a friend find something supernatural about the world, like that magic is real or something... being able to share in that secret together and keeping that knowledge away from the muggles would feel so amazing, it'd be just us two against the world. Too bad no such big secrets exist and it's usually just on the level of someone having some flaw or bad trait that they are embarrassed for others to know about when it's usually not even that bad. And for me it's even worse, I even want my positive traits to be kept secret, at least from my parents and relatives, because I'm somehow embarrassed of those. Thankfully I don't care if most other people know. Anyway that was long. Did anything prompt you to talk about secrets today Anon? Or is this just a random topic you thought of for the thread?
>>84860553>i find myself in that situation often. when it happens i either shut down and i just do nothing, or things start escalating and i get more and more anxious and i feel like im not really in control of my thoughts anymore. its hard to explain, whenever things spiral out every thought that i usually manage to keep out of my head comes flooding in, all at once, they physically hurt and i can do nothing but just try to stay still and not do anything until it goes away. if i really cant handle it then i take some benzos and that helps, but im trying to rawdog it everytime because i dont want to get addicted. it really hurts though. i wouldnt wish it on anyone honestly.I know exactly how you feel, I've had similar anxiety attacks before.I recently came to the realization that if I built my self confidence up I wouldn't have those attacks anymore. I don't know if that would work for you or not. I want to start building myself up so I can remind myself of my achievements when things feel really bad. However as I currently am I just feel like shit lol. Nothing of significance for me.>do you know on which website we're on?I mean yeah there's literally a thread about cutting and people post cut pictures every once in a while... guess I shouldn't be so worried.>>84860597I like the kind of secret where it doesn't hurt anybody but brings you closer with the person who shared it with you, like you said. It depends on what kind of secret obviously.
>>84860558>no longer care about fitting or buy shiny new thingsand just now that you've achieved true freedom, you want to give up? come on anon, im sure there's still things to do on this planet. if not for yourself, you can help others do them instead.>>84860580hello there. my week has been alright, some ups and some downs. although i cant really remember much as usual so its hard to say.do reply to your parents asap, i think they deserve to be informed desu.>to introduce ourselves"hi, im anon and i like (insert something that has to do with your work)((even if its not true)). im enjoying my time at this company/place/whatever and i hope you will enjoy it too" done. remember confidence is key. they can smell your fear>I'm gonna try not eating too muchyou're already doing better than a lot of your fellow americans. good job anon, keep it up.>strangely enough I feel fuller than beforeever fed never satisfied, never fed ever satisfied. ive also started with my diet a few days ago, and i can say, im not a huge fan of eating eggs. or eating in general.>entrusted with a secretwhat about your own? also, i dont really mind if others talk about me unless its really private stuff. i dont like talking about myself, i dont really care if others do. make that make sense>would feel so amazing, it'd be just us two against the worldi think having this kind of thinking is good as it makes things in life feel more special, like you just explained keeping a secret which is a really simple thing, could turn into something gives you some more meaning. personally, ive kinda lost the ability to care so much about these things. after you actually experience some of them, you start to notice the lack of enthusiasm that literally everyone else except you has. and so, you also start losing that enthusiasm.>Did anything prompt yousome stuff happening in real life i suppose. i have been entrusted with a secret (among other people) and its not really that fun
>>84860590>delusional level of hopei am jealous>something in my brainwhats the thing keeping you from being one? is there an "objective" you must reach in order to become a failed normie? what would that be? i think people are born either normies or not, its not something you can become.>low-effort instant gratificationi get that, but considering how many times you've said you hate it here, i struggle to understand how your brain still finds enjoyment in choosing to do so. it takes zero effort sure, but it also gives zero dopamine. what exactly are you addicted to? is it actually the internet, or the attention you get on it? because you can get that attention somewhere else too.>ideal summerenlighten me with the details if you may>Any life-changing experiencesi've done a few things, they didnt feel life changing to me, although i am sure most people here think they are. they did make me think a lot. and helped a lot to shape an idea of a future i'd like to have. which, is funny. its the first time in my life ever since ive been a kid where i thought i'd like to have a future. weird stuff.>self confidence upim sure that would help. i dont think anything in this world is capable of making me believe certain things whenever i am in that mental state. its like nothing else matters, nothing else is true except the thoughts running in my head. everything else gets thrown out the window. even though i know i have some achievements. they're just never enough.>>84860595hm, hm. whats your favourite food anon?
>>84860077i hate these faggy fake positivity threads you get by avatarfag posters on this board sometimes. i wish homos like you would get bullied off the board and a precedent set. annoying faggot.
>here are my mass replies with totally generic cookie cutter advice on everything because i'm a 90 iq max avatarnegroright on cue
>>84860734>whats the thing keeping you from being one? is there an "objective" you must reach in order to become a failed normie? what would that be? It's a vague goal for sure. But I suppose in general I want to become more "functional" of a person. I am constantly inspired by so many people around me. I have friends who spend a lot of effort planning hangouts. Friends who decorate their rooms nicely and have neat hobbies and series they are into that they can talk with other people about. Friends who play games together online. Friends who make art and draw and do sports. Friends who are successful at school and in their career. Friends who are just so fun and interesting to talk to, who can make you laugh and smile in their presence. I want to be a person like that, but I am so far away from them. I wonder why I am friends with people like that. I cannot keep up with them and I'm scared of being left behind. I've already been left behind or left out several times, not because of them, but because of my own shame of being a failure of a person. I ache so badly seeing everyone around me living beautiful lives. I wish I were more than a rotting corpse in my room.>i think people are born either normies or not, its not something you can become.As true as this might be, I also think that people can learn many strategies to make their life better and perhaps emulate the sublime consciousness that normies have.>it takes zero effort sure, but it also gives zero dopamine.That's the problem, it doesn't give zero dopamine, it gives quite a lot. There's some inherent value in 4chan and Youtube that keeps me coming back. I love the discussions here, when they are good. I love the funny posts anons make. And Youtube obviously has plenty of wonderful videos even among the sea of trash and AI slop.Also, my urges often override my conscious brain. It's like it didn't develop properly. I feel retarded, slow.
>>84860734>is it actually the internet, or the attention you get on it? because you can get that attention somewhere else too.Lately I haven't been giving as much of a shit about attention anymore. It's too much. I've suffered too many social failures to want to try anymore, I think. Part of it comes with accepting my boring personality. I am not a fun person. That part of me died with the social shame I experienced when I was younger. I used to love memes and making people laugh, but now I'm just a quiet, meek person who has nothing interesting to say.>enlighten me with the details if you mayTo several people I have sent a huge list of items I would like to do over the summer. A quick summary: language learning, sports, socializing, art. So many things I would like to learn anew. I want to get closer to the few friends I made at college. But I'm so scared of reaching out and planning a hangout. I posted a thread earlier about this but it was ignored, as my posts usually are.I want to get a job. I need money. Most things in life require money. I don't just want to save it, I want to spend the money to improve my life in many ways. I want to buy new clothes and go to concerts and fly around the world. But I'm stuck here in my room wasting away on 4chan. I feel like I'm in hell, and it's all by my own cause. I can't overcome my brain with the little willpower I have.>i've done a few things, they didnt feel life changing to me, although i am sure most people here think they are. they did make me think a lot. and helped a lot to shape an idea of a future i'd like to have. which, is funny. its the first time in my life ever since ive been a kid where i thought i'd like to have a future. weird stuff.I would love it if you went into detail.Might get very jealous of you though.>even though i know i have some achievements. they're just never enough.Same here. They're not enough for my own standards. I often just give up because I know I'll never meet them.
>>84860734I think as a kid I actually used to be quite confident and cocky, but I quickly became a recluse as I started realizing that people would be disgusted at my autism. The easiest way to protect myself was just to not talk to anyone. I think I'm finally starting to rebuild that confidence again, but only after I learned how to hide the autism or use it to my advantage. But it doesn't solve the problem of internet addiction or chronic laziness. I need real, concrete achievements to base my self-worth off of. Money, skills, maybe even some muscle if I work out more. I'm not the guy getting scholarships or running marathons, and I desperately wish I were.Recently I've been getting a lot of inspiration from vtubers, actually. I know it sounds ridiculous, but learning about how hard some of them work to set up their streams and sing covers and draw and cook and do whatever they do is really inspiring. How can somebody keep track of all of those projects at once? And they usually have lives outside of streaming, too. They go out with friends on the weekends and travel and see cool things, just like normal people. Some of them are even studying for a degree while they do all of those things. I don't understand how they do it, and I desperately wish I had a life like that.Even the fact that they play so many video games is overwhelming to me. I don't know how people can keep track of so many different video games. I remember talking to somebody who said they played like 10 different games, which was mind-boggling to me. I can barely keep track of two or three games at the same time, and I don't know how to manage the time to play all of them while also keeping my normal life in check.Some vtubers are bilingual or trilingual too. How did they learn all those languages? I wish I could do that.
>>84860744>>84860752>has never actually read any of the threads award>>84860805>inspired by so many people around medo not put standards that other people have for yourself. you, anon, are not like other people. cope all you want, but you're not. neither am i. lower the standards and you'll be happier. as the saying goes, dont judge a fish by their ability to climb a tree. (or something like that)(you're the fish)>everyone around me living beautiful livesfirst of all, you only see what they want you to see. you dont see the bad things about other people lives, because they dont let you see them. unless you're really close friends i suppose. would you rather tell your friends about that one time you had a great day or would you tell them about that one time you slipped and fell face first into mud? probably the first one. your friend doesn't know about the mud episode, but that doesnt mean it didnt happen. dont think of your friends like gods above you, they are at your same level, the only difference is, they are just different than you (which doesnt mean better). life is not a competition, you should not compete with your friends for who has the best one. we're all losers, just in different fields.>make their life bettersure they can, but remember what i said about being a loser on the inside before? i dont think thats something you can change. that is part of you, and will always be.>sublime consciousnessthe opposite, maybe. they are the way they are because they dont have consciousness.>it gives quite a loteven though just two posts ago you called it an insane virtual asylum? im not really sure you like any of those things, i think thats your brain convincing yourself you do, so that you have an excuse to keep coming back here. i guess that one post you find once in a sea of garbage is fun, but im not sure its worth the time you waste finding it
>>84860828hmm, does the fear you have outweigh the need for attention? im pretty sure you still do want to try though. you did say you're delusionally hopeful no? keep hoping then.>can't overcome my brain with the little willpower I havei get it desu. think of the consequences though. you know, that awful, feeling of despair you feel whenever you think about the things you're not doing, the things you wont be doing, and the things you'd love to be doing? it hurts like hell when you do that, no? well keep thinking about that. until the fear of not doing what you need to do outweighs the fear of doing the things you need to do. it worked for me. probably not the best way but what can you do.>I would love it if you went into detailno, i dont think you would. and, i dont wanna. also, i know what you're thinking, and no, its not that you dum.>>84860864>use it to my advantagehuh, how do you do that?>just like normal people...because they are normal people, anon. they're not funny quirky chunguses, that is just an act to get people to like them. please stop looking up to people like that i beg you. or to normies in general.
>>84860926>lower the standards and you'll be happier.I can't. If I did lower my standards I'll be the same boring person I always was. I can't keep living life without at least dreaming of becoming a better person. I'm as good as dead if I don't change myself somehow, someday.I know it hurts less if you just give up but I'd rather be hurt by my own shame forever than to just give up.>life is not a competition, you should not compete with your friends for who has the best one.I don't think it's a competition. I'm not trying to farm achievements to brag about them. I genuinely wish my life was better, and I'm jealous of what other people have. I want to create art and speak multiple languages and be fit. I think it would make me so happy to have achieved those things. It seems so fulfilling. It's almost like people who can do those things have filled up the holes in their lives. I mean, maybe comparison is the thief of joy sometimes, yes. But sometimes I just sit and think about how damn empty my life is, and everyone around me just reminds me of it. At the end of the day it really isn't about them, it's about me.>i dont think thats something you can change.But you can change. (This contradicts what I said earlier, sure.) There will always be a bit of loser inside me, yes. But think about it. Your mind can change. It rewrites itself every time you learn something; heck it changes from every memory remembered. You can change your body if you exercise, or if you chop off your arm. People can and do change every day. What really gets me frustrated is that I can't change as quickly as other people, or even at all sometimes.I mean, I guess I have managed to think myself in a circle all the way back around into agreeing with you. But the simple fact that everyone can change is what gives me my delusional hope. I believe I can get there one day.>they are the way they are because they dont have consciousness.A lot of normies are like that, yeah...
Bro I fucking binged on GBL I brought 20ml off someone on am encrypted app, weird people in some house then went home and layed in bed on my phone posting, scrolling, youtube, and drinking gbl through a straw mixed with energy drink. I didn't even measure it, just sucked some out with the straw and blew it into the cup and drank it. At some point I basically fell into a gbl coma then woke up at 3pm the next day. I think I was drinking it during the day as well, from the previous night. Then I just took more gbl because I felt TERRIBLE, like I was in alcohol withdrawal legitimately. So I was taking more and running out and thought I'd get the last hit of it. Then woke up, presumably after another GBL coma with my earbuds in playing ad music from a tiktok ad. I think I literally passed out mid scroll or something. Just stuck on an ad replaying in my ears in my sleep and on my phone. Okay now for actual real I felt like true death, like really really had anxiety and then over the day my anxiety and fears worsened. I felt genuinely sick and toxic. My eyes were dilated in the mirror and I looked weird and pale. Like I look when high on meth. Then I started REALLY freaking out because I still felt essentially like 25% gbl intoxicated but this stuff isn't supposed to last this long. And then I reflected I basically binged 20ml to the point of double coma. I don't know if it's a true coma because nobody was there to wake me, but it doesn't feel like sleep and you don't wake up, you like instantly come to disoriented. At this point I felt like it was too long to feel this way, the half life is too short and I should be over it. This was my self talk which fueled a mid level panic attack. I've had so many I can recognize them but it's still terrifying. What if I'm really dying from a gbl od or it was fake gbl and I'm really dying I should call an ambulance I'm dying I start shaking my pupils become weird and my vision distorts and the world morphs and closes in on me I feel
>>84860929>hmm, does the fear you have outweigh the need for attention? im pretty sure you still do want to try though. you did say you're delusionally hopeful no? keep hoping then.Well, deep down I'll always want at least some attention. Don't we all? Most humans are social creatures. But I don't find myself so desperately pursuing attention anymore. Maybe I am now a bit jaded. I do reminisce about the times I did, though. I had some success. Embarrassment is better than apathy by a long shot.>until the fear of not doing what you need to do outweighs the fear of doing the things you need to do. it worked for me. probably not the best way but what can you do.I recently started cleaning my room because of this, lol. Yeah it works. It's also a really shitty solution. >no, i dont think you would. and, i dont wanna. also, i know what you're thinking, and no, its not that you dum.I don't know anon, this just makes me all the more curious!>please stop looking up to people like that i beg you. or to normies in general.Wait why? I mean I know we're supposed to hate normies here and all, and in many cases rightfully so. I guess I'm using normie in the sense of "functional person" instead of "basic NPC sheep."
>>84860986This primal terror but eventually I convinced myself it was a panic attack and I needed relief so I resolved to buy benzos but it was a 25 minute hell ride through bumper to bumper traffic trying to text as well to my dealer and ALSO shaking and being mid tier panicked and gbl fucked. Then I started typing "does drug testing by cops detect benzos?" And the fucking answer is a secondary test does but the drugs jn my system can give false positives and I'm already out on bail from jail so getting drug tested woukd put me back in prison for months, if not years. So I'm now anxious and paranoid as fuck about cops as well, I go to the house buy diazepam onky 50mgs to not benzo binge be responsible and resolve not to take it on the drive home because of cops. Then I finally get home and I'm almost too scared to take it hecause what if I'm gbl fucked and it gaba mixes and ods me? So I just am so terrified and shaky and panicky just lying in bed under the covers trying to breathe I take one 5mg pill. 20 minutes later I'm not dying (I set a timer on my phone and took 300mg pregabs as well), then take 10 more, then 10 more over the next hour. I'm still anxious and shaky but because it WAS a panic attack (brought on by gbl binging) I feel safer. I still feel terrible though but I managed to eat. I haven't eaten all day I feel so terrible and have had constant diarrhea. I really just fucking overdid it honestly. I would take doses to the point I could barely stand, then I guess just doomscrolled till I comad. That's not fun or cool. It's poisoning yourself. I feel physically awful. I'll probably take the rest of the diazepam but leave 1 pill for tomorrow. I honestly hope I'm in a benzo blackout right now because this is awful, but I know I'm not the dose is too low. My heart is beating weirdly and I got a minor cramp so I ate like 7 rashes of bacon and added extra salt. Some wives tale that salt cures cramp. Probably just made it worse. At least I'll drink more water
>>84860612Hi Mio!>doesn't hurt anybody but brings you closeYeah, that sounds nice. That's something I really lack I think, closeness to people. I guess most people these days lack it probably. I hate how surface-level most relationships are these days. Also,>>84860214>I think I am just naturally lazy.Very relatable. I've been considering this about myself for so long at this point. I really can never tell if I'm actually depressed or just lazy.>>84860730>my week has been alrightGood to hear it hasn't been awful, at least. Alright is the best we can hope for often times. I also think it's kind of good in this case that you can't remember too much? I am the same way, and it helps to forget the bad times (though sadly also the good times but there's less of those so on the whole it's a good thing). Although sometimes it helps to remember the bad times, in order to realize how good you have it now. I occasionally remember how I had to sneakily go to the grocery store and smuggle food into my house back when I lived with my dad, that was awful. I'm glad I don't have to do that anymore.Also you may not remember much but surely you remember what you did yesterday? I think you went somewhere, didn't you? I hope it was something fun and not that niece's birthday. Or is it a secret?>they deserve to be informedI agree and I feel awful for ignoring them for so long (last time I ignored my mom's message for 3.5 days lole... even though all I had to do was write "No" and click "Send".) She must have thought I wouldn't respond at all. Alas the same thing might happen again, it's so easy to put off replying to them for later... god, I'm such an awful son. My parents really deserve better considering they're decent people and did an okay job raising me. Cont.
>>84860730>>84861031Cont.>"hi, im anon and i like (insert something...cleaning toilets"? That literally wouldn't even be a lie, that's probably my favorite thing to do at this job (other than the browsing 4chan and watching anime for 9 hours part). But uhh nothing sounds quite right... I guess I should just say I'm enjoying my time here like you said but guhhh that sounds so weird for some reason I don't think I can bring myself to say it... Maybe I'll just say "Hi I'm Anon, nice to meet you"? Or is that too short? osafijkfass I hate thisss>they can smell your fearWell thank you very much that makes me even more terrified! It's a self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety, I know that they can tell I'm anxious and might think I'm weird for that which makes me more anxious which makes it even more likely they'd notice I'm anxious which makes me more anxious etc. It's so embarrassing ahhhhhhh>good job anon, keep it up.Doing better than Americans isn't much of a brag but thank you Anon. The hardest part about diets though is not reaching the goal but staying there... I don't have much hope I'll be able to do that, I feel like most of the reason I'm doing this is just to feel a sense of achievement, more than anything. Oh well maybe I'll at least be thin for a while>ever fed never satisfiedAh, I remember that line! I think you used it when I brought up this exact topic before haha. It's a very good one, feels very true. It's weird how even after 14 hours of not eating anything I tend not to feel hungry but 10 minutes after eating something I want more... I guess food really is an addiction for me. Is it like that for you too? What is your secret to not being a fan of eating??? How can you not be a fan of it when it tastes so good... I guess I can understand it if you have some passion or interest in life that you can sink a lot of time into--then you can just get engrossed in that and sort of ignore hunger/cravings. But you don't really have that do you?Cont.
>>84860730>>84861036Cont.>eggsI have never eaten them in my life, they look disgusting. I can only stomach them if they are finely chopped and mixed into a salad. It sucks you have to eat them but I guess if you want cheap protein they are pretty unbeatable. >my dietKind of funny your diet involves eating more rather than less, or at least it should because you need more calories to build all that muscle mass. What are the main changes to how you were eating before? More eggs, okay, but what else? I imagine you're mainly still eating pasta. Have you maybe started buying more vegetables? That would be nice... but they are friggin' expensive sadly. In any case, good luck with your diet and your exercising, Anon! Treat yourself well and do try not to obsess over looks like you used to. >what about your own?Hmm somehow I don't know if I've ever really shared what I'd call a "secret" with anyone.. I'm not sure if that's because I'm such an open book or because I'm too untrusting. Probably mostly the latter honestly. There are some things I hide from people for sure, mostly things I find really disgusting about myself. But then again I'm not sure it would be like entrusting someone a secret even if I told them about these things, because I don't care who they reveal it to as long as it's not my parents. And I've only had online friends who don't know my parents so it has never been a problem. I guess if I were planning on meeting some friend's family, then I would probably want them to keep some things about me secret from them... so uhh don't tell your mom I like lolis Anon. Cont.
>>84860730>>84861043Cont.I should probably try to come up with some secret I could tell others maybe. As I mentioned I really like the trust strengthening aspect of it... Hmm. Maybe I'll tell you about that one embarrassing (to me anyway) experience I've had on Steam sometime. I guess I would want you to keep that secret, even from posting about it here, because that person might browse this board and I wouldn't want them to see it. So it's a pretty good candidate for secret-keeping desu. Teehee, now I'm looking forward to it a little bit.>i dont really mind if others talk about meHmm hmm, okay, maybe I'll feel free to mention you if I feel like it in random threads then! I just hope I don't misjudge what you consider "really private stuff" and what you don't. That can vary wildly from person to person. For instance, no one would think that telling someone that I like potatoes is revealing something very private, but to me, it is, assuming that information is revealed to my parents that is. And there's at least one thing where I know our standards for what's private and what isn't are kind of different, though not to such an extreme degree as my example.>make that make senseIt makes perfect sense I think, you just don't like talking about yourself to others for reasons which don't prevent you from not minding others talking about you. I forget what your reasons were exactly when you listed them in another thread, but I think one was feeling guilty, and that makes sense that you'd feel guilty sharing about yourself but not when others share stuff about you to people. Cont.
>>84860730>>84861052Cont.>i think having this kind of thinking is good as it makes things in life feel more specialMm yeah very true! I like imaging things as being more grandiose than they really are. Unfortunately I can't always get into the right mood to think like that, most of the time simple things feel trite and meaningless to me. It's usually only when I'm daydreaming that I can feel like simple things are purposeful and important. One thing I used to really idolize was working a night shift job, it seemed so comfy to me when I imagined just sitting there at night while everyone else sleeps, I thought it would feel like I'm on some super important secret mission but now that I actually work one it's pretty boring actually... I imagine the same might happen with an "us vs. the world" kind of relationship that I really idolize right now. Even if the other person is as enthusiastic about it as I am. Things in practice are just never as good as they are in imagination, perhaps it's something I am cursed to experience due to having a vivid imagination. But what you said about other people having a lack of enthusiasm for them is also true, it sucks how "normal" people seem to, not hold anything dear, for lack of a better phrase? I don't know how to describe it really. It feels like there are no idols left anymore, nothing to worship in the world. Even God, despite people proclaiming that they believe in one, in practice is not worshiped, and most people seem to act like they don't believe in him despite proclaiming otherwise. It's weird people aren't more depressed than they are despite this. Although depression rates are on the rise so maybe they are? But still I'm more depressed than the average person I think and even I have things I idolize still, though it's nothing religious or spiritual. Do you have anything you could say you worship, Anon? Some higher ideal or virtue, perhaps? Something that you feel is grand and profound?Cont.
>>84860730>>84861059Cont.>and so, you also start losing that enthusiasmThis makes me really sad... I feel like the right thing to do is to try really hard to fight for and keep that enthusiasm, despite others lacking it. It just feels so depressing to succumb to the mundane defeatism everyone seems to exude. I guess I'm not one to talk when I'm probably a bigger defeatist than you heh, but still. We should both try to fight against it I think Anon. And perhaps try to find more people who also want to fight against it. I do think they exist, I've met some before, even if they are rare.>some stuff happening in real life i suppose.Hoo, well, now you've got me interested... I am curious also what secret you've been entrusted with ahhhhh tell it to me Anon tell it to me nowwwwww gahhh I'm dying of curiosity... oh well. Can you at least give any hints as to what it's about? Although I guess you said it's not fun so maybe I don't want to know...Also nice Tao there, she is telling us to keep quiet about some secret. Too bad you didn't find it for when you made the OP, that would have been a most fitting image to post along with it.
>>84861031>That's something I really lack I think, closeness to people. I guess most people these days lack it probably. I hate how surface-level most relationships are these days.I wonder how surface level most relationships actually are? From the perspective of someone with few close relationships, most people look closer than I could fathom, and it makes me quite envious. You know, I think I am quite delusional in this regard. I can think of many examples of when I got close to people, and most of the time I stopped being close to them because I simply stopped talking to them. Things fell apart, or I became too busy, or the conversation started to feel awkward maybe because we never truly fit each other, we just liked each other but we don't vibe. It's weird to describe.I don't understand, and yet I understand.I'm just too fearful and anxious so I push people away.And of course I'm an introvert so I value alone time quite a lot.>Very relatable. I've been considering this about myself for so long at this point. I really can never tell if I'm actually depressed or just lazy.I think a lot of people don't like being called "lazy" because of the negative connotation and will come up with all sorts of excuses for it. Not to rag on you or anything. But every day I keep staring at that word in my mind and it simply stares back. I know what I am. Even if it's caused by a malfunctioning brain, at the end of the day, I am lazy and that's how it is!
>>84861069To reply to myself... while I did get close to people, they never seemed to be the ones initiating, though. You know you found someone special when you get close to someone AND they also initiate the conversation with you. It's almost absurd for me to think about people who ACTUALLY LIKE me enough to talk to me out of the blue within the people I call my friends.
>>84860077>how are you doing today?sorta motivated to do stuff somehow. will take a bath cause it's so damn warm right now and then install some stuff on my home server, get the 3d printer running, and afterwards maybe give drawing a try again..sorta waiting for important mail which is minimally distracting though.>also, do you think you're good at keeping secrets?considering that i forget whatever i am told after a bit, yeah. Sorta snitched on my family go get the NEET thing rolling though so maybe im not that trustworthy with some things hehe>>84860214oh hi.have you tried promising someone results or trying to do something with somebody on your side as a method to get you to do stuff? Feels like that would offset laziness a bit.
>>84860077it's really sad when people that dont know you say you are doing great or that you are trying or whatever when you really aren'tits like that scene in BB were Marie is telling Skyler that it is ok that she cheated on Walt and that didn't make her a bad mother when in reality Skyler thought she was a bad mother for helping Walt with his meth business
>>84861133>have you tried promising someone results or trying to do something with somebody on your side as a method to get you to do stuff?I actually promised puppynon I'd do my homework and I didn't end up doing it. I end up breaking all my promises because I can't commit for shit which is why I've stopped making them in the first place. I could promise results and then break the promise and end up feeling like shit or I could just not do that in the first place. God, I'm even too dysfunctional to have an accountability buddy.Maybe I should just keep making and breaking promises until the shame makes me change for once. Or maybe my promises would just lose meaning for me and for everyone else. No one likes people who don't keep their promises.This is one reason why I can't keep friends. Just can't commit to a single damn thing.
>>84861148>I actually promised puppynon I'd do my homework and I didn't end up doing it.maybe that's more because people on here aren't that close to each other. Someone with a more reliable line of communication is what comes to mind >God, I'm even too dysfunctional to have an accountability buddy.for that you sorta need chemistry and stuff. Hard to find somebody like that so dont feel feel bad because somebody didnt work out. they should probably be in on it too>Or maybe my promises would just lose meaning for me and for everyone elsethat would probably happen and you'd also be all stressed from doing this. i suggest a healthier way to find motivation/accountability but im not very good in this either>This is one reason why I can't keep friends. Just can't commit to a single damn thing.i dont think that that's the case for you. My memory is really bad but if i recall your issue is more that you can't find someone that fits and compliments your character. No matter how much you work on it or force it, you'll never be able to befriend someone that's just not compatible so dont but the blame on yourself.
>>84860077Hello Hutanon! Crazy that you're still on this board despite how terrible it has become, it takes some guts.How am I doing... Things have been great and awful at the same time, tending to get worse. I'm "fine" because I can ignore the awful and keep vibing through my unbelievably dull days, confined in this prison I've built for myself, but my life feels like a ticking bomb, maybe one that won't even explode and just make a little bit of smoke... Ah well, just two more weeks of grinding until I get out of this rut!>do you think you're good at keeping secrets?A ghost like me has no secrets to keep, unless it's about past experiences I'm too ashamed to even remember. I've heard autists aren't good at keeping secrets though, it requires too much masking work that one like me is incapable of.What about you anon? It's been a while since our last interaction. I've been curious to know what's been going through your mind but I never find the time nor the motivation to talk to anyone so I always postpone this stuff... I might be a little slow at replying, sorry in advance.
>>84860971>I'll be the same boring person I always wasreally. because what are you now? im not saying you shouldnt strive to improve. im saying you shouldnt hope for the impossible.>comparison is the thief of joywell you said it, even when you reach those objectives you have now, as long as you have this kind of mindset (i need to be better than them, or as good as them to be happy) you will never, NEVER be happy or satisfied. im not just saying these things, i have been there. i got to my goals. i achieved things ive wanted to have for years. none of them made me happy, because i was (and maybe still am) still stuck in the mindset of always having to do better, always having to catch up to others, when in reality, you really dont need to catch up to anyone. you dont need to compare yourself to others to have objectives. you can make up your own. "i want to be fit so i'll be happier with myself" rather than "i want to be fit because other people are and i have to be at the same level otherwise no one will ever like me, especially myself" is an example, but you can fit that to anything. or i dunno, maybe im just projecting. think about it though.>simple fact that everyone can changegive me one example of a person you know and how you are 100% sure they have changed completely. i am not saying you cant change at all, im saying you cant change your nature. if your nature is radically different than the ones of normies, then you cant be one of them. you can pretend, but not be.>>84861001>Don't we allyes. i just dont get why you're so scared to admit you need it though. if you numb your needs then you will inevitably be giving up on wanting to have anything more, which doesnt help with motivation to be better i think.>all the more curious!curiosity often kills the cat, im just saving your life here. you should be thanking me desu.>instead of "basic NPC sheep"which is what a normie is. they can be both, but not always.
>>84860986this post should be made into an anti-drug advert good job on not dying though anon. really impressive!>>84861031>sneakily go to the grocery store and smuggle food...are they not allowed to know what you eat either? yesterday was okay. some bad moments and some good moments. i think i am starting to get a liking of driving which is nice. i really gotta save money for a car.>ignored my mom's message for 3.5 days lolethats really not nice, dont do that again. although maybe she doesnt really think much of it knowing how you are. my mom stopped expecting me to answer her whenever im in a bad mood i think.>>84861036>cleaning toiletsyou could put it in a more professional way, like "helping the roommates with household tasks and their daily needs" or whatever. theres always some way to make the simplest thing sound professional and important. i made cooking pasta sound like the coolest thing ever in my resume.>sounds so weirdno it doesnt, its your brain making that up. saying nice to meet you is also just fine. stop throwing a wrench into your own plans.>don't have much hope I'll be able to do thatnot immediately resorting to "oh well ill fail anyway" when things get difficult would definitely help you succeed. come on, have some faith.>not being a fan of eatingcrippling fear of getting fat i guess? immense feeling of guilt whenever i eat too much? those usually. i also like food, but not enough for my guilt to subside. also, i like the idea of being able to control myself when it comes to urges. so if i get the sudden urge to eat something, i dont, even if it wouldnt really damage me in any way.
>>84861043>never eaten themi am going to bet all my life savings that you are deficient in vitamin B12 (which is really bad btw, go get a blood test and take supplements)>but what else?...just more food in general. bigger portions of the same stuff i was eating before, plus more eggs and meat if i can. also more legumes and vegetables, although that doesnt really have to do much with my diet its just good to include them and i didnt really care before. figured i might aswell do now>come up with some secreti mean im not really sure if it works that way. whats the point if you come up with it?>"really private stuff"just my personal life, and details about it. you can tell other people i like potatoes. actually i kinda enjoy it if other people talk about me. makes me feel important you know.>not hold anything dearit seems like that most of the times and other times i question myself how they even care about certain mundane things. normal people are weird. me? i dont know if i worship anything. i guess my ideal ever since ive been a kid was the classic superhero one. all the games, cartoons, books, ive read and played as a kid always taught me helping others is the best thing one can do. so, i grew up looking up to selfless people. i guess you can say i worship those kind of personalities. selfless ones that wouldnt think twice to sacrifice themselves for another. yet, the more i go on living, the more i realize how stupid it is to have that ideal. the world isn't fair, it doesnt reward self sacrifice, in fact it punishes it, so why worship it? i dont know, but i cant really help it and i do it anyway.>>84861133>sorta motivated to do stuffniceu. hopefully it lasts! what stuff have you been drawing anon? and what is the mail about if i may know?>get the NEET thing rollingehh i think thats fair honestly. i'd do it too>>84861141its okay even if you're not doing great now anon. keep it in mind and think of it when you will be doing better.
i havent had to make this many posts in a row in a while... i wonder what has made me so talkative today.>>84861244hi anone, crazy? i was crazy once. they put me in a board, a terrible board. a terrible board with anons. they put me in a terrible board with terrible anons. terrible anons? i hate terrible anons. they make me crazy. crazy?actually, anons are not really that terrible here, i like them>great and awful at the same timesame here. i have never felt the saying "life is a rollercoaster" like i am feeling it in these past few months. in a way, i think this kind of feeling is what makes life worth living. otherwise it would be too boring.>just two more weeksjust two more weeks and things will change. you'll see! i hope you manage to get better though anon. do you think there's anything specific keeping you down? (other than yourself i assume)>too much masking workhmm, i've noticed its always either people are too good at masking or not good enough, and both times it always ends up with someone getting hurt. social stuff truly is stupid.>What about youi've been okay. like i said before i had ups and downs, and most of the stuff that has been going through my mind is nothing good. pointless worries, but also maybe not so pointless ones, that i am too scared to face as of now. also its okay if you take a while to reply, im not really fast either desu.
>>84861304>what stuff have you been drawing anon?nuthin' for a while, that's the thing. imagination gets worse with every day and i dont know why..Still want to force it somehow so we'll see. lost so much control over the pencil too oh no..>and what is the mail about if i may know?should contain the insurance company's opinion on me getting free money. I dont depend on them 100% but that bonus would go on top of what the government will hopefully give. As someone with no income at all 360 euros a month sounds insane>ehh i think thats fair honestlywell to be honest they are sorta at fault so idc. nobody on my journey so far even questioned my decision. so its not really like not keeping a secret in my opinion..
>>84861069>most people look closer than I could fathomHmm, you might be right, I actually don't know how close other people's relationships really are. I guess it's hard to tell something like that being an outsider. Maybe it's just my own lack of close relationships coloring my perspective? Maybe I'm projecting? >too fearful and anxious>introvertI am all these too. It's definitely been my fault in the past sometimes that a relationships wasn't very close--I've been distant due to my avoidant tendencies.>Even if it's caused by a malfunctioning brain, at the end of the day, I am lazyI feel this too! I swear people just try to twist the definition in such a way that pretty much no one could be classified as lazy. Therapists are especially guilty of this.>>84861088Yeah, it's really nice when people initiate. Sadly such people are rare. Best not to initiate yourself too much either though, otherwise you'll get stuck in relationships where you are the only one that does it.>>84860734>i'd like to have a future.Was reading this and I'd be interested to know what sort of future you'd like to have! If it's not a secret. Isn't it just to live in a cabin in the mountains? That's kind of what your dream was before I think, and surely that's only gotten stronger?Cont.
>>84860077i don't want to do anything and i want to kill myselfsigned up for stuff but cancelled it because i don't want to leave my housethat's the mood today
>>84861711>>84861301Cont.>not allowed to know what you eat either?Indeed, they are not! That's one of the most embarrassing things to me. Even with people other than my parents, I don't like eating in front of them, it's such a personal thing. But with my parents obviously it's even worse. Did I tell you how I smuggled food in before? I kept one of those coolers people use for camping behind a bush not far from my house, and I would go to the grocery store early in the morning (because it's too hot to go during the day sadly), then hide a bunch of stuff in that cooler that I didn't want my parents to see, and hide some in big cereal boxes that I pretended contain cereal so I can bring them in without my dad seeing what's in there. Then when he left to work I would wait long enough to make sure he isn't going to randomly return because he forgot something, and then would run over to the cooler and get the stuff I hid in there and bring it to my room. I was so paranoid he'd randomly return from work unexpectedly one time and catch me in the middle of doing this... I had some close calls before. God, I am glad that's over and done with.>some bad moments and some good momentsThat's rather vague, but I guess I get it if you don't want to talk in more detail. Really surprised to hear you're starting to like driving though! Does it not make you awfully anxious anymore or have you sort of just gotten used to that feeling? Also, I was thinking the other day, would you like it more if you could drive on a closed race track or something? Then there's no need to be anxious about other drivers at least, you only have to worry about yourself.>save money for a carNow that might take a while... hopefully you can get one eventually though, it's sad being a fan of cars yet not having one of your own. Wait, does that mean as a fan of elevators and trains I should have ones of my own too? I mean, there IS a guy on YouTube who built an elevator inside his apartment...Cont.
>>84861301>>84861726Cont.>thats really not nice, dont do that againIndeed... I will try not to desu. Hopefully I can do it today, but jeez there's so many stressful things I have to do today.. I'm not sure I can find the energy. Plus I don't know how to reply to my dad, he asked if I signed the contract for the new apartments and I haven't yet... I need to pay the move-in fees still, but I've been putting that off for weeks, I just have the $400 check sitting there on my shelf waiting to get stolen.>she doesnt really think much of itShe is probably pretty used to it by now... still pretty rude though. At least you have an excuse to not answer when you're in a bad mood, my excuse is just... it's hard for me, anytime and at any point, for some reason??>"helping the roommates with household tasks and their daily needs"Daang, you are a pro at this Anonner!! That sounds perfectly disgustingly professional. Still... somehow I am too embarrassed to say it like that, it makes it almost seem like I'm not an awful piece of shit of a person so it can't be right. Gosh, I hate having to sell myself like that... writing a resume would be like pulling teeth for me. I don't know how you managed that.>stop throwing a wrenchMm, I do love me some self-sabotage... ugh. I don't know. I guess I'll just try to say as little as possible and hope it's fine. It's always less embarrassing to say too little than to say too much, especially for a blabbermouth like me. Thanks for the confidence boost though Anon! Surely it'll go okay, I'm probably overthinking it like always.Cont.
>>84861301>>84861730Cont.>not immediately resorting to "oh well ill fail anyway"But expecting failure will make it less painful when I do eventually fail... grr, fine, you're right, I'll try to have a little more faith. Still, it seems kind of insane to think that I won't at some point get back in the habit of binging on trail mix or something. I mean, diets are a life-long thing you know? It's hard to have faith in something that has to maintained for so long. I guess it helps to not cut out unhealthy things entirely but to learn to moderate them somehow, but I'm bad at moderation...>immense feeling of guilt whenever i eat too much?Hmm, I guess I used to actually have this? And what do you know, I was at my thinnest back then too, 63kg. Now I'm 73. Somehow I seem to have stopped caring as much though. I guess it's not all bad as feeling guilty about stuff isn't so good but it's not like I have a healthier source of motivation... Anyway, at least I can understand how you're thin now. I was expecting something more like "I just never ate much".>control myself when it comes to urgesNow that's a really useful trait to have. My grandfather is like this and it has always been beyond me. Urges are to be followed and enjoyed, why would you deny yourself the pleasure!? I guess you could say I'm an Epicurean... mm but I sure do wish I wasn't like this. You are a bit of a superhuman for being like this in my eyes.Cont.
>>84861304>>84861737Cont.>life savingsHah! It's really a shame your life savings amount to $0 because I would be pretty rich right about now otherwise. I have concrete proof that I am indeed not deficient in B12! Look at the attached image (hopefully I didn't forget it). That's from my blood test results that I did last year when I went to that doctor, if you remember. So my B12 is in the normal range actually. Do you know what yours is exactly? I wonder if it's higher or lower than mine, should be lower I guess since you said it was the only one that was a problem. But anyway, you aren't too wrong in making that bet though, because I've actually just been taking a B12 supplement for like the past 5 years. That's the only reason my levels are fine. I don't eat nearly enough meat or eggs or anything for it to be fine otherwise I think. I also take the D since I live in the sunniest city in the world and thus don't get enough sun.Hopefully you eating more eggs now brings your levels up to normal as well, B12 is important for sleep in particular after all. I remember there was a popular YouTuber who, ironically, had to drink energy drinks in order to fall asleep because he was deficient in B12 (and didn't know it) and energy drinks usually contain a large dose of B12.>legumes and vegetables,Good, good! That's really promising, berry important for overall health. Do you not feel as guilty anymore about spending money on that stuff? I guess you do have a job now, hopefully if they ever contact you again that is, so you should indeed not feel guilty anymore. In any case, here's to a successful time dieting for both of us! *takes a sip of water*>come up with it?Oh, I don't mean to like, make up a secret. I just mean find more things about myself that I could share with someone, even if they are embarrassing. And just be more open in general, I guess. I do have a tendency to be kind of distant. That's sort of what I meant by that I think.Cont.
>>84861743>>84861304Cont.>personal lifeHumu I see. I guess that's a bit different for me, I don't usually mind if someone talks about my personal life to others. >actually i kinda enjoy itYeah, me too! It's nice to see that others remember about your existence and think about you sometimes and stuff.>how they even care about certain mundane thingsHmmm, things such as? I'm not sure I know what normies care about. I guess looks, status, money? That is indeed a wonder, how they care about such stuff. Well, I guess I care about looks too, since I'm literally dieting right now because of it.. but yeah, for the most part, I never cared about any of those things yet they do seem to be worshiped by most of the population. I guess they do hold some things dear after all, just ones I deem not important so I didn't even notice. Normal people really are the weird ones... >looking up to selfless peopleAh, that's a good one. I do think it's a pretty good ideal to look up to in a moral sense, but as you said, it certainly doesn't benefit you in life. I am like this too to some degree, sadly I am a very selfish person and I hate myself for it and wish I were more selfless. I guess I just always felt like doing things on the basis of what's useful or productive isn't good, we should instead do what's right, and being selfless is right... what a terribly ineffective mindset to have, yet I can't give it up. Guess I'll just keep feeling guilty and torturing myself!
>>84861547hm, i think its good that you're trying to force it since you're just starting anyhow. why dont you draw the green character you post? maybe in a chibi way so its easier too.>me getting free moneyah i see yeah i'd say thats important indeed. sadly my plan to get neetbucks didnt work and instead i just got told to take vitamins. what a country to live in!>they are sorta at faultyeah i agree so its not wrong what you're doing. youre gonna have to find a new secret now though.>>84861711>that's only gotten strongerpretty much. add a few hobbies to pursue that i didnt really consider before a variable that you can guess, and you've got yourself a future. still, very unrealistic but better than nothing i guess...>Did I tell you how I smuggled foodi dont like eating with other people either, but thats kind of extreme... i do vaguely remember you telling something like this before tho. glad thats over indeed.>>84861726>not make you awfully anxious anymoreit does when i have to go somewhere far or with many turns. but not as much, and ive started to like driving itself more, now that im more knowledgeable about cars etc. it things more fun and i like spotting cool cars in traffic and going "wooahhh">tracki would reaaaally love to do that at least once in my life yes.>might take a whiledepends on what kind of shitbox i buy. but yeah, i reckon at least a year or so is gonna pass. considering i have to find a stable job first also. what a pain.>don't know how to reply to my dadcant you just copy pasted what you just told me in the reply hmm?>my excusebut its not an excuse, its the truth. dont feel guilty about it, its not like you want to be this way. you should however, feel guilty if you dont try to change it.>I hate having to sell myselfif you ever want to find a job or keep it im afraid you'll have to do that, so, get used to it anon
>>84861737>a life-long thing you know?not necessarily. you can do them until you reach a point where you're happy how you are and then instead of trying to get even thinner you just maintain your current weight. that wouldnt really make it a diet, just your normal eating habits.>what yours is exactly?yes. that would be 0. or very close to 0 i cant remember.>B12 supplement for like the past 5 yearswell thats cheating so i win the bet anyway.>as guilty anymoretrying not to, but its difficult. it will be easier if i do end up getting a stable job sure. i swear to god if they dont call me back ill kill someone.>others remember about your existence and think about you sometimesreally wild stuff huh. to think i didnt even know that was a possibility a year ago. how things change. still hard to believe now.>guess looks, status, moneyno, even more mundane things. think about watching sports, tv series, getting angry at politics or whatever minor thing that happens, wearing expensive brands, etc. like i dont get how they manage to be annoyed about certain things that dont matter at all.>basis of what's useful or productivethat is the society we live in and how it works, i dont think anyone can blame you for following that lifestyle. doing whats "right" is vastly overrated, and pointless. but thankfully there's still idiots like me around that care about that kind of stuff, soooo
>>84861309>i wonder what has made me so talkative today.I wonder too... it would be nice to know because I enjoy talking to you Anonny! Oh well I guess enjoyable things are best done in moderation anyway lest they become less enjoyable. I'll just take what I can get for now!>>84861882>add a few hobbiesMm, that sounds nice! I wonder what hobbies they are. Not sure if you want to tell me here though. Regardless, a future is definitely important to have! Hard to live without something to pursue. >very unrealisticIs it? Sounds very much achievable to me... I mean, living somewhere far away from civilization IS hard, but it seems hard more in the sense that you'd get lonely and tired of having to do everything yourself. It shouldn't be that hard to achieve to begin with though, just need some starting capital. Well, okay, maybe a lot if you actually want a proper house to live in and not a shack... >i dont like eating with other people eitherAh, I guess I'm not the only one at least. It is pretty embarrassing especially if you are eating something smelly. Which, most foods are to some degree. I don't want to make other people smell what I'm eating, especially if they aren't also eating.>remember you tellingAh, yeah, I think I did post about it in one of your threads. Well, it is about the most interesting thing about myself that I could tell you.>somewhere far or with many turnsMm so that's what makes you anxious? Interesting... but going alone on a train to a different city does not? To me, it would make me pretty anxious, as I've never been that far away from home, especially on my own. But I guess with driving it's more that you don't know the roads that are farther away from your home?>now that im more knowledgeable about carsIs that a more recent thing? Didn't you want to be a mechanic for a long time? I guess your interest in cars waxed and waned and is at a high point now? Cont.
>>84862386>>84861882Cont.>i would reaaaally love to do thatAh good to hear!! Another small dream you can pursue, and not an unrealistic one. I suppose when there are no turns to miss and you're going in a circle then you wouldn't feel anxious about it either. Hopefully you get to experience that pretty soon! Are there any tracks where you live or would you have to drive to another city? That might be a bit of a pain I guess but you could do that along with a vacation to that city at some point. >considering i have to find a stable job first also.Yeahhh.. I suppose this one is way too unreliable and not enough hours to earn that kind of money. Should be possible to find a nice shitbox you can fun upgrading the hell out of though. Well, if that's even fun... you know, whenever I try to do anything physical and finicky like that, such as fixing some mechanical device, doing maintenance on my bike, or even crocheting, it really pisses me off. It really makes me understand why mechanics are known for swearing so much. I probably would hate being a mechanic to be honest. Also this just reminded me, have you heard of My Summer Car? Seems like a game you'd like if you enjoy fixing cars.>copy pasted what you just told me in the replyNo, I can't! Okay maybe I can... urgh but how to word it in a way where I don't feel super ashamed that I didn't do it for so long... I think it's impossible, I'm gonna feel ashamed no matter what. This is why I keep avoiding it. >its not like you want to be this way.True... I'm not sure if I'm trying to change it or not though. I AM trying to reply more quickly but just purely applying more willpower to it doesn't seem to be working and I'm not attempting to try anything else... As with most things, I can never tell if I'm trying my best and it's not working or if I'm just being lazy and could be doing more. Cont.
>>84861882>>84862396Cont.>want to find a jobWell to get this one all I had to do was say "Yes, I can reliably commute to this place"! They didn't even ask for a resume. But yeah I guess it's not often you find something like this... I thought I was done with having to sell myself but it seems it's not over yet.>>84861889>you just maintain your current weight.Oh well that's what I meant actually, maintaining weight is a lifelong thing. It's (relatively) easy to lose weight, the hard part is keeping it off. That's why people say diets don't work, because the moment you stop dieting you gain it all back. You have to change your eating habits permanently to something sustainable, otherwise it's just an exercise in futility. I kind of started this on a whim so I'm not sure I'm that committed...Cont.
>>84862402>>84861889Cont.>or very close to 0Are you freaking serious?????? What the hell Anon... I swear last time you worded it something like "it's a little low" or whatever. That's not a little low wtf... How are you even alive?? Now I'm not so sure eggs are even gonna help you. If you're *that* deficient, you probably need supplements (or maybe even injections to be desu). The problem with food sources of B12 (and likely why you are so low in it) is that at any point, you can only get about 30% of your daily requirement of B12 from a meal, regardless of how much B12 it contains. It doesn't matter if you eat 2 eggs or 20 at one time, you are only going to replenish 30% or so of your B12 needs for the day. You have to eat at least 3 meals a day that each contain 30% or more of your B12 to actually meet the requirement, and that's for maintaining your levels. For actually raising them from a deficient state, you need even more. So I'd really suggest (especially if you aren't going to take a second blood test later to confirm your levels are rising) to megadose with a supplement, because REALLY high doses *can* go past that 30% limit and actually give you enough B12 to come back from a deficiency. I take 2,500mcg twice a week or so and that's apparently around 100000% of your daily requirement. You can't take too much with B12 either since it's water-soluble so you'll just pee out any extra, so don't worry about that (though it would be a waste of money). But dang, no wonder you're tired all the time... of course you would be if you're that deficient.>>84861889>thats cheatingNuh uh>trying not to, but its difficult.Mm yeah... but it does get easier I think! As I mentioned I used to feel pretty guilty about it too, but I'm pretty relaxed about it now. Too relaxed I guess... I've been trying to set a spending limit for how much food I buy, should be easier to hit that now that I'm dieting too. But anyway, you get the point. Cont.
>>84861889>>84862409>ill kill someone.Do me do me! But uhh it's been quite a while, I hope they call you back soon.>i didnt even know that was a possibility a year agoYou didn't? But you already had a couple friends at that point... surely they remember you sometimes. I hope. I get it being hard to believe though, I'm the same with this job. Still feel like a NEET, to the point that I open one of the NEET generals on here sometimes and then remember "Oh right I'm not technically one anymore..." I suppose some things just become so tied into our identity that we'd feel lost without them. >tv seriesWell I do care about those a lot, or at least used to, so I guess I can understand normies a bit. But yeah, the other stuff... especially politics, just urgh. I guess in a way I'm a bit envious, I do wish I could care about more things. Not these things, but there are a lot of things in life for sure that I'd rather care more about. I think it's generally "better" (not easier) to care too much than too little. Perhaps I should be grateful I don't care that much though since it is easier.>that is the society we live inSo that's why therapy tries to get you to think in a "productive" way... it really is just a capitalist tool to whip the worker cogs back into the machine...>thankfully there's still idiotsIndeed. Please keep being an idiot! Society needs more idiots!Also random question but I'm curious, do you happen to know if the word "Shankle" means anything in Italian? I'm guessing no since Google Translate doesn't translate it but I wonder if maybe it's a place name or something.
>>84860734>hm, hm. whats your favourite food anon?Japanese curry.
>>84862386>what hobbies they arealways the same ones, plus cars and maybe getting good at some sport/working out again.>just need some starting capitalits really not as easy as just having money i think>going alone on a train to a different city does not?it does if i have to switch trains and not have a lot of time to switch. otherwise no, im not the one having to worry about taking the right turn>your interest in cars waxed and waned and is at a high point nowpretty much. it always has been this way i dunno why. maybe whenever i feel like im close to being able to get a car i suddenly feel more interested in the subject>no turns to misssure that would help, but there would still be other cars. also, i dont really have a reason to go to a track unless i have a car that is deserving to be on one. also, it costs a lot of money. like a lot. unless you go to the nurburgring in germany. thats more accessible>really pisses me offthats what makes the job fun is it not? and yes i have heard of that game. ive always wanted to give it a try but never actually did.>This is why I keep avoiding itand then you'll feel bad for avoiding anyway. so why not feel bad for doing it instead?>could be doing morei cant know, but keep in mind that change takes mind and doesnt happen overnight. maybe you are slowly changing, and in some time you'll notice the difference.>change your eating habits permanentlyi mean after you've been on a diet for years to get weight off wouldnt that just make the diet your normal eating habit? unless its like really specific or something. you're already used to the diet if you do it for long enough and then it doesnt even feel like a diet anymore.>supplementi did start to take supplements after my doctor told me so. funny, he also had your same reaction. i dunno, i think its gonna take years to get it back to normal, my mom also has like 0 vitamin D. im not even sure i want to know how much i have. probably close to 0.
>>84862414>already had a couple friends at that pointyes, but i think you missed the part where i said i dont believe it now either. it doesnt matter whether i actually have people that care about me or not, my brain is too stubborn to believe that they care. even if everything points towards the fact they do. so it takes time to convince your own self that you're the one in the wrong and its not everyone in the history of mankind that is lying to you.>Shankletells me nothing so nope>>84862524pretty good. do you make it yourself or buy it somewhere? there's a few ramen shops where i live and ive went there sometimes. they're not half bad honestly.>>84862537also, i saw your post anon. stop drinking you dummy it doesnt solve anything. talk with someone instead. and stay away from ropes.
>>84861309>i wonder what has made me so talkative todayThe way some of you anons can keep typing forever is remarkable. Meanwhile I struggle to even put two sentences together...>actually, anons are not really that terrible here, i like themThere are definitely exceptions, but from my experience nobody ever sticks around for long. I've put quite a bit of effort in trying to make frens here and it hasn't been very successful...>this kind of feeling is what makes life worth livingWoah, finally not suicidal anymore? What changed?Some of your posts I've read on here almost convinced me you were gonna do it, so I'm glad things got better for you.>do you think there's anything specific keeping you down?My wallet is keeping me down... I've been neeting for years and now I'm starting to pay the consequences of slacking off too hard. But ironically lately I've been working harder than any 9-5 job will ever make me work. On some days I wake up, work till it's 1am and go to sleep. It never ends. And for what even... I don't know.>both times it always ends up with someone getting hurtWere you put in a position that could potentially hurt someone close to you?>that i am too scared to face as of nowSuch as? You can keep it vague if you prefer.Many of my pointless worries turned out to be not so pointless in the end and I wish I had dealt with them sooner.
>>84862610>plus carsI see, so that is a more recent thing. And yeah I guessed the getting good at some sport part. Well, I thought it was basketball in particular, but are you not settled on what just yet? >not as easy as just having moneyFumu, maybe not... What do you think makes it so unrealistic? I guess it's true not that many people live that way so maybe there's some big barrier preventing them from doing so. But it might also just be that not that many people *want* to live that way, is all. >taking the right turnI see, so that's what it is about driving that makes you anxious. I do imagine I would be as well, especially since everything around here looks so samey that it's really easy to miss your turn. I do also just get anxiety purely from being far away from home though, it's scary to me that I might not be able to find my way back or might get lost or something. The first few times I went on long bus rides it was pretty worrying for me since I was afraid I might not find the right route to get back and stuff.>it always has been this wayPerhaps it might be an ADHD thing? I think for neurodivergent people it's normal to have these kinds of hot-cold periods with their interests. Kind of annoying since it's hard to get good at anything like that. Oh well, hopefully your interest in cars is still there by the time you can afford one.>car that is deservingI think a shitbox with upgraded everything and turbo or something is worthy of it, no? As long as it revs nicely and sounds loud it's deserving I think. You can drift around in pretty much anything if you give it enough time to accelerate to speed. >money. like a lot. Oh does it? I assumed it'd be like $100 or something fairly affordable like that. That sucks then. What's special about Nurburgring that makes it cheaper? Isn't that like a really big track too, I think I heard there are F1 races there or something. I would have thought it'd be more expensive not less.Cont.
>>84863013>>84862610Cont.>makes the job fun is it not?Maaaaybe... but even I am not enough of a masochist to enjoy that I think. Though perhaps the issue is more that I wasn't doing things for the fun of it and more had to get something working, so it was stressful. If I had a normal bike and a "project bike" maybe it'd actually be fun and less frustrating to work on it. >have heard of that gameAh not surprising, you know a lot more games than me. Do you have a long backlog of stuff you want to play so you never got around to it? That's the issue for me usually, I have a lot of games I wanted to try but I play through them so slowly it takes forever to get to them.>why not feel bad for doing it instead?Because currently I don't feel as bad for avoiding it as I would if I did it. There is a point on the graph where these two lines meet, and last time it was 3.5 days. It seems at that point I feel guilty enough about avoiding it that it overpowers the emotional dysregulation I feel when replying to my parents.>maybe you are slowly changingMm, thanks, that's a good point. Although considering I used to reply in a day or so maybe it's only getting worse... >make the diet your normal eating habit?Possibly? But I'm an addict Anon, and once you're addicted to something you never forget how a "hit" from it feels. I don't think it matters how long I don't eat peanut butter or trail mix or pudding for, I'm always gonna crave it when I feel down. And eventually when I've been at a good weight for long enough I'm gonna have make an excuse for myself to eat these things once, and when I have it once I can't stop so I'll start binging on them every day. I suppose it might be better to try to eat them now in moderation instead of cutting them out entirely, that way perhaps I can train myself to actually eat reasonable amounts of these things to satisfy cravings, but that sure is hard... I'll try anyways though, it seems healthier than going cold turkey.Cont.
>>84863014>>84862610Cont.>i did start to take supplementsOhh right, you've actually told me that before, sorry I forgot. But how many mcg or IUs of B12 does your supplement even have? Is it one your doctor recommended or just a random one you picked out at the store? Usually, those multi-vitamin ones are not so good for any one individual vitamin, and you might need to get a separate one specifically for B12 since you're severely deficient.>funny, he also had your same reaction.Heh, maybe that's because it's important for your health? Baka. You should worry more about yourself. Good thing you look both ways when crossing the road at least, thank you Tao brain for looking out for our dear Anon.>gonna take years to get it back to normalIf your supplement has as small of a dose as I suspect, yeah, it probably will. With a big enough dose it should only take a couple of months though, water-soluble vitamins are not that hard to replenish usually. Vitamin D is fat-soluble so yeah that one will take a while. How come your mom is so low on it, does she never go out in the sun? Also you don't know how much you have? You didn't get tested for it? I thought your therapist thought Vit D was the cause of your depression, so surely they tested for that. If it's close to zero that theory might not be so wrong...>>84862611>my brain is too stubborn to believe that they care.Oh, right... you have always said this. I do have the same issue to some extent, sometimes I can logically think that I should believe someone, but emotionally, I just can't bring myself to. I do think it's possible to convince yourself of it eventually, so hopefully with time you'll be able to believe it!>tells me nothingHuh I guess it might just be a made up word then.
>>84862792>typing forever is remarkableyou're not gonna believe me but i was like you. i think its either i had some hidden talking power, or, by forcing myself to interact with people everyday for years, i eventually learned how to keep conversations going n stuff. though its a lot easier on here of course.>make frens herei dont think thats ever going to work simply because this board is something special. you dont get the kind of interactions you get here outside, and if you try to bring them somewhere else, they're just not going to work. also, i believe to make friends with someone you need to have a common point you both regularly do independently from each other: like visiting this board. if you add someone from here then, you're not gonna have anything to do together and the friendship fizzles out. unless you like both play a game everyday together and are passionate about it or something like that. still, its not like the anons here are the best at keeping relationships healthy. otherwise we wouldnt be here in the first place.>not suicidal anymore?i wish. there are moments where i dont feel like dying anymore. i still do 90% of the time, even though things have changed for the better. now its more like a "i cant help but want to die, but i actually really dont want to" than just a "i really want to die" like it was before. if that makes any sense.>My walletah yes... many such cases (me)>been workingon what? is there some project you're passionate about?>position that could potentially hurt someone closei have been in that position yes, although i wasnt talking specifically about me. it was more like an opinion from observing many social interactions between other people aswell. sometimes i look at normies like its a wildlife documentary. and wonder if im in it too.>Such as?promises i made to my old self and that i broke, fear of the consequences for doing so, and feelings of guilt. i know i should worry about these things. its too scary though.
>>84863013>basketballdoesnt have to be that, but for now its what i can play.>What do you think makes it so unrealistic?myself.>an ADHD thing?i dont exclude that either, it could very well be just that. i kinda just hope it sticks for good this time, i'd actually like to learn how to fix cars.>with upgraded everythingthey sure can, im just not sure for how long before they break down and im gonna have to waste more money on fixing them. also, older cars are getting banned here because of new petrol laws, so i might not even be allowed to buy shitboxes. what a world to live in.>like $100that might be the price for the nurburgring, go to a track in italy (unless its a completely unknown one) and the price goes up by another few hundred bucks.>"project bike"well yes, knowing you have a backup in case something blows up definitely helps with the anxiety of breaking things too>backlog of stuffyes, although my main issue has mostly been lack of money, and lack of motivation to play the games.>don't feel as badwell lets hope you do start feeling bad soon enough. not that i want you to feel bad but you know.>But I'm an addict Anonaddicted to making excuses, yes. there's people quitting hard drugs and living clean for the rest of their lives, i dont see why you wouldnt be able to quit peanut butter and live free of being a fatass. you can do it anon.>how many mcgno clue. my doctor told me to get a specific brand and i did, i never bothered looking at what im actually taking. dont really care honestly. i know its just vitamin b12 though. and that its expensive as fuck>never go out in the sun?she had an office job for a few decades so... yes. now she does go out more, but also her diet wasn't really good either. i think she's doing overall better now in terms of nutrition, not so much in terms of mental health or physical health. sucks seeing people age.and no. they forgot to test me for vitamin D. ill have to take another test in the future. yay!
>>84863278>for now its what i can play.Mm, do you have any other contenders? Anything you'd like to try? I wonder if there's some actually interesting sport out there. None that I know of interest me a whole lot but theoretically I could see myself enjoying some sport if the ruleset and what you play with (hopefully not a ball) is interesting enough. Maybe I should try to come up with a sport of my own... though, I don't have any ideas off the top of my head.>myselfAh, well, that I can see. But what exactly about yourself do you think makes it unreliastic? >i'd actually like to learn how to fix carsWell hopefully it does stick then! It certainly wouldn't hurt for you to have another hobby. >how long before they break downMm fair... I guess it's best to drive your shitbox gently...>petrol lawsOh, I think I heard something about those... dang, are they really just gonna ban all old cars?? Surely it's just in the city centers and whatnot? I do see really old cars here sometimes, I'm talking ones from like the 1950s, and I think we have some sort of laws like that too... but maybe they are just really lax or maybe they simply make you pay more to own such a car or something rather than outright banning them.>price goes up by another few hundredUuu yeah that might be a bit much then... Well, perhaps you'll be living in Germany anyway soon enough, so you could actually go to Nurburgring. Or do you think that's unrealistic too?>helps with the anxiety of breaking thingsIndeed, quite a useful thing too as I am known for breaking anything I touch. Often it's better not to fix something broken because I'll just break it more. >lack of motivation to play the gamesYeah, that's probably my number one problem, ahead of all else. Doesn't even matter if you have money when you have no motivation... does buying a game instead of pirating help at all, I wonder? I imagine you'd feel guilty if you bought something and didn't play it, I sure would.Cont.
>>84863278>>84864312Cont.Speaking of games, you didn't like Divinity: Original Sin 2 that much it seems? Even though it's a pretty highly rated game... what didn't you enjoy about it? And Speed Freeks also got 2.5 stars only... I still haven't had a chance to try it because all I've been doing on my work days is sleeping. Hopefully I can get around to it tomorrow. Also hope there's still people playing it, I bet there was a bit of a resurgence when it went free on Epic but it's probably dead again already. >lets hope you do start feeling badMean! But okay okay I'll really try to do it today. Gonna wait before bedtime though since that way I'll ruin my mood for only a short time.>addicted to making excusesThat too! Not my fault peanut butter is more addictive than meth. But I guess you do have a good point, somehow people quit hard drugs... Hopefully I can live free of being a fatass, lole. Thanks for the encouragement Anon!>dont really care honestlyWell I do! When you come back home, the first thing you're going to do is get that supplement bottle and find the mcg on there. It should say it on the back somewhere. Also look at whether the active ingredient is cyanocobalamin or methylcobalamin. The former should have better absorption. It IS promising though that it's a brand your doctor recommended and that it's just B12 and not a multivitamin, hopefully it has a decent dose then.Cont.
>>84863278>>84864317Cont.>now she does go out moreI see... and I heard that most old people need vitamin D supplements anyway because as you age you make less and less from exposure to the sun. My parents are still doing okay but my grandparents are really aging quickly now that they are in their 80s... my grandma had to get a cane recently because her foot was hurting too much to walk. I feel bad for not speaking to them more, I'm an even worse grandson than I am a son I think. Honestly feel like a piece of shit. I should be spending a lot of time with them considering they aren't going to be around much longer. For myself too, so I don't regret it later... I know that, and yet...>they forgot to test me for vitamin DWhat the heck... that's no good. Do you have to pay for another test now or did they at least make it free because of their mistake? They had better done that. Well, I guess it's a good opportunity to test your B12 again as well to see if it's getting better. When is this test gonna happen, is it scheduled already?
>>84863029>i eventually learned how to keep conversations going n stuffIt does get easier the more you do it. I used to be way worse at this, then after I started a general it forced me to get better and I improved a ton. I wish it made me better at it irl too but nope, completely different skill it seems.>if you try to bring them somewhere else, they're just not going to workOh they can work, it's just harder to pull off. I used to have a fren from this board and we didn't really have much in common other than liking anime and sharing some music tastes, but we agreed on a lot of things so it was easy to keep conversations going. It went on for about 3 years until it ended thanks to my stupidity.>"i cant help but want to die, but i actually really dont want to"That's a big improvement! I'm like 20% the same, but it used to be like 80% not long ago. Once you find some distractions the feeling almost goes away.>is there some project you're passionate about?Yes, or rather...obsessed with. And I'm totally not experiencing burnout right at this moment, the same kind that made me quit in the past. The worst part is yet to come and it's making me nervous...>sometimes i look at normies like its a wildlife documentarySometimes they're exactly that. So unfathomably different...>promises i made to my old self and that i brokeThings change, nowadays even more unpredictably, so I wouldn't feel bad about it. If it's something you're too afraid of doing (that isn't an heroing) then I'd suggest forcing yourself to do it because it gets harder as time goes on. I know this all too well...
>>84864406>made me better at it irl tooi think some kind of experience did transfer to irl although not that much, i believe talking w people online still helps and it could be a huge help>used to have a fren from this boardoh i see, thats kinda rare that things work out after you meet here. im happy for you that it happened though, what did your stupidity do that broke you guys up if i may ask?>used to be like 80% not long agoihmmm what happened that bumped it down to 20%? is it because of your friend you talked about? sorry that yo ufeel that way anon. here's a hug! *hug*>rather...obsessed withohhh. its nice to have something to be obsessed with no? keeps you on your toes. is it about programming or something like that? i hope the burnout goes away soon and you can start to enjoy working on it again. go go anon.>So unfathomably differenti wonder how we managed to normalize normies and not consider ourselves the normal ones. hmmm.>forcing yourself to do it because it gets harder as time goes oni know. but its really really scary. i know that i should do something about it but i dont want to be alone anymore. i know its gonna be worse as time goes on but im not even sure i care anymore. i just dont want to be alone anymoresorry if i took a while to answr. i had some benzos and im a bit weird now. but its all good
>>84864312>any other contenders?not really. i guess i'd like to play table tennis but its not as easy to find somewhere to play that at>what exactly about yourselEVERYTHING!!!!>hurt for you to have another hobbyit would hurt my wallet that is for sure>ban all old carsmore so all old engines that use a specific type of petrol that pollutes more. so yes, most old cars. idk in america but they are banning them everywhere here not just city centers>buying a game instead of pirating help at allnot really, that way i'd just feel dumb for paying for something i couldve gotten for free. although i domt pirate anymore ever since i got that bitcoin miner.>is get that supplement bottle and find the mcg on there.not exactly the firsta thing i did but i believe its 20000>have to pay for another testmost likely yeah. how fun yeeah.
>>84860077>also, do you think you're good at keeping secrets?I don't like talking about it even in anonymity, but I'm a fantastic liar. I don't even know what's true myself to be honest, well, that's probably a lie.
>>84860077>>hello anon, how are you doing today?Hi robot. I'm okay, kinda tired.>>i know things can be difficult, and you're doing great.I wish I could hear a girl say this to me. Lifes been a bit trying the last few months but the burnouts gone and I guess I'm ready to get back to school soon.>>if you wanna vent about something you can do it here, ill listen.Where to start? I'm 21, in uni, failed calculus for the 2nd time. Have been on one date (almost a year ago), making me 1 for 8 in asking girls out. Though she was through a friend and the rest were cold approaches. I'm a KV volcel Christcuck, which makes it all the more brutal to lie down every fucking night wishing for the very things I've turned down before. Not to mention my papa's been having more complications post cancer than he had before, at the same time my nanny's dementia is finally getting bad so the whole family has been constantly pulled in to help them. Me specifically because I don't have a real job and am on summer "break". Plus my mom just got surgery and has been recovering for the past week.The bad thoughts are back and I've been indulging them. I'm trying to get back to praying and reading the good book, but I feel unworthy and too scarred for healing.>>do you think you're good at keeping secrets?Yes. Very.
>>84865185>benzosYou took them this early? Did you go somewhere that made you really anxious or something?>>84865362>table tennisYeah I guess you'd probably need to get your own table for that... does seem more fun than basketball though to be honest. And regular tennis too actually. I forgot that's a sport.>EVERYTHING!!!!I am going to guess you are too tired to list out the specifics then... oh well. Do remember though that your brain likes being needlessly pessimistic about yourself, so you are probably underestimating how realistic it actually is.>hurt my walletHopefully your wallet will be nice and fat by that point>specific type of petrolThere are different petrol types? I know there's uhh octane, is that what you mean? Regardless it's BS that they are banning them everywhere like that... what if you want to just have an old car as part of a collection and not for daily driving? That should be allowed methinks but I guess some overzealous politician somewhere didn't care about this.>dumb for paying for somethingI do feel that way sometimes too when buying stuff... Now that I have money I also feel guilty for pirating though, I think it's good to support creators. Though it sucks there's usually no way to do it directly and you have to pay through some platform like Steam that takes a giant cut so Gaybe Newell can buy himself another yacht.>believe its 20000Whoa, are you sure you got the zeroes correct? And it's mcg not IU right? But this good if true. Should fix up your deficiency pretty quickly, and explains why it was so expensive. The one I have costs like $5 per bottle that lasts me around half a year, but it's a much smaller dose so maybe that's why. Anyway, thank you for looking into it Anonny!>most likelyJeez... that's more BS right there. Well, do tell me when it happens and what the results are, I wanna know!I'm guessing you're going to bed soon? Good night if so! I'm gonna sleep soon too, just gotta reply to my parents...
>>84865373>what's true myself to be honestohhh i hae this conundrum often about the things about me>>84865465hello anon. it doesnt really make it any better if its a girl saying that to you or not. doesnt make things tht special i dont think, unles you're able to actually believe what she says which would be good.>Where to startthings seem really though anon, im sorry you're going through that much. do your best aand try not to give up! doing nothing is the worst you cna do, remember. its not doing something wrong. hope your family gets well soon too also, and that you manage to find a decent job aswell. i managed to land a p okay one after years of nothing so im hopeful you can do it too. god bless and have fun reading some books.>Yes. Very....can you tell me one?>>84865594>somewhere that made you really anxiousno. just pain.>probably underestimating how realistic it actually is.maybe. i dont know. i mscared of making plans and having hopes becasue then when they're not fulfilled ill feel like shit. so its best to not have any hopes and not have to deal with disappointments.>nice and fat by that pointi have my doubts. even with this job i got now.>just have an old car as part of a collectionyou can do that, you just cant drive em on the roead becasue uh muh pollution>a giant cut so Gaybe Newell can buy himself another yacht.we live in a society.>>84865594>you got the zeroes correct?yea. maybe if thats hwy its so expensive. my friend takes supplements too but he pays like a third of the price i paid. these last only a mnth too.ill be going to sleep now anons. thanks everyone who talked with me today. have a wonderful weekend if you can
>>84865722>just pain.Uu... well I hope they helped to relieve the pain a bit. If not them then at least some sleep should!>scared of making plans and having hopes becasue then when they're not fulfilled ill feel like shit.True enough, I'm like this as well with some things. Though it's also hard for me to go on without hoping for better things. I guess you seem to be able to do things anyway so perhaps for you it really is better to not hope for much. Then you'll hopefully be pleasantly surprised when things work out better than you thought.>just cant drive em on the roeadAh, I see... well it's better than nothing I guess. I wonder how much pollution forcing people to buy new cars created...>maybe if thats hwy its so expensive.Makes sense to me. Well I'm glad that they are 20000mcg, that's really strong stuff. You should have felt a boost from that right away so it's weird you didn't, I guess your tiredness really is caused by something else... >ill be going to sleep now anonsSleep tight Anonny! Thank you so much for all the replies in this thread, it was really fun talking to you. I'll try to have a good weekend, and you do the same!P.S. I did message my parents! DUTY COMPLETE
>>84865722>>it doesnt really make it any better if its a girl (...) unles you're able to actually believe what saysThat's the idea robot. GF ASMR isn't a solution. I wish to look in her eyes
>>84865722>>can you tell me a one? (and post it on a public forum for no reason)What do you think?
>>84860468The other robots won'tThey'll make fun of meAnd try to hurt meSorry anon, I can't tell you. They'll try to destroy me
>>84865185>talking w people online still helpsIt definitely does because it's the only kind of socializing I do. If not for that I'd have gone schizo long ago talking to imaginary people.>what did your stupidity do that broke you guys up if i may ask?I um.. was starting to feel neglected and went bpd on them.>what happened that bumped it down to 20%?I'm not really sure... 3 years ago I was at my lowest, then something in me snapped and I kinda stopped caring. I had already lost my fren a few years before that time so that wasn't the reason. Maybe a healthy diet and giving up on society is all you need to achieve peace of mind.>its nice to have something to be obsessed with no?It is for a while, until it becomes unhealthy. My brain has no concept of "taking a break", so the moment I stop working on it for 5 minutes it's over and officially abandoned.>is it about programming or something like that?Yup... I suppose there's only so many things a no-life hikkineet can spend so much time on, productively speaking.>i dont want to be alone anymoreAh, I think I understand what you mean now. It does get harder but again, life can take unexpected turns and these things aren't really in your control, though exposure matters a lot. The more time you spend around people the higher the chance of it happening.>sorry if i took a while to answrIt's okay anon, I'm the slow one here. Thanks for talking to me and have a good night!
>>84860077Better. I finally managed to get up and go for a walk. I used a weighted vest and did a little exercise. Recently I added a few people to play games with. One of them wanted to set up schedules in advance and I felt that was weird. I told them I'm not good with setting dates to play something in advance. I'd rather it be spontaneous and not feel like a work schedule like I'm on some kind of gaming roster. Of course I didn't say all of that but that's how it felt. She basically just said she likes schedules and told me she was going to remove me. Ok I guess. I'd rather someone tell me why they're unadding me instead of finding out randomly when I go to send them a meme. It would be nice to start eating healthier again. I've really been thinking about doing meal preps but like with bbq grilling. That's not too crazy right?
>>84866726Its not weird to schedule time with people. Reducing relationships to when its convenient for you diminishes the value of that person. If you think they matter and you want to hang out, you have to ensure it happens. Don't be afraid of being proactive robot.Meal prepping BBQ is a fine idea if you're not a purist. Being from Texas, I would shoot a nigga on sight for eating week old BBQ, but thats me.
Late replies.>>84861203>Someone with a more reliable line of communication is what comes to mindActually even more scared of making those agreements with people I know in real life, to be honest... the same thing happens.>for that you sorta need chemistry and stuff. Hard to find somebody like that so dont feel feel bad because somebody didnt work out.It's frustratingly rare. I wish it was easier to find friends that I really get along with.>>84861297>really. because what are you now?>im not saying you shouldnt strive to improve. im saying you shouldnt hope for the impossible.Well, you're right, I think having unrealistic hopes isn't a good idea. Maybe I should reconsider my limits.>yes. i just dont get why you're so scared to admit you need it though. if you numb your needs then you will inevitably be giving up on wanting to have anything more, which doesnt help with motivation to be better i think.I don't know if it's easier to suppress the feelings or just keep failing to get attention. Repeated failure feels pretty bad.>>84861711>Best not to initiate yourself too much either though, otherwise you'll get stuck in relationships where you are the only one that does it.I wonder how it feels to be that person. I've never felt like that because I don't invite people out at all. But it must feel kind of bad.
>>84865722I have a job, I'm a boxing coach. Its just that no one treats it like its real because I don't make enough to move out and the hours are weird.I used to have two normal jobs, its how I bought my dream car at 19. But I quit to focus on school and trying the coaching thing. I've been running down my savings for a year now. I've been so stressed, I really thought that girl was going to save me. She did for a bit. I hadn't been that happy in years. But I'm getting close to as miserable and depressed as I've ever been. I hope I don't attempt again, but it feels like a looming storm cloud.God bless anon, thanks for making a thread to listen to garbage like this
>>84865811eh. sleep doesnt do much sadly. i should be happy that i got properly hired yesterday yet i dont feel anything other than anxiety. >when things work out better than you thoughtwhenever that happens i dont really feel surprised, im more so expecting the thing to fail as soon as possible and so i cant even enjoy the best parts of it. im just there on the edge waiting for everything to fall apart so i can say "see, i was right" and somehow that is more important than actually enjoying whatever it is that is going alright. god i hate my brain so much.>how much pollution forcing people to buy new cars createdconsidering new cars use less petrol and more electricity, not much. that is why they're forcing you to buy them (other than because they want to control you) its because they pollute less.>should have felt a boosti guess i do feel slightly more motivated to do things but im not sure if thats from the vitamin B or other things happening in my life.good job replying to your parents also!>>84866312>I wish to look in her eyesdont set yourself up for disappointment when that inevitably doesnt make you feel anything. but who knows, maybe its what you really need. good luck anon.>>84866400i was just joking...>>84866674>talking to imaginary peopleyou know, i often say im jealous of schizos as a joke but sometimes i really am. it seems a lot easier to not having to deal with society and its rules and just being able to go crazy and do whatever.>starting to feel neglected and went bpd on themah yes... well, i can relate to the feeling. im too scared of doing this to people again so i just cut off anyone before they get too close. sigh.>a healthy diet and giving up on societyhonestly maybe! diets do impact your life pretty hard and uh, society does too sadly. not in a good way most of the time. i think, im just 1 or 2 really bad things away from giving up entirely. for now im just riding the high and hoping it brings me to some land.
>>84866674>"taking a break"ah i have the same issue. whenever i stop doing something even for just a day then it becomes incredibly hard to start again, even with vidya. i wonder why our brain does that, is it adhd or do we just get bored easily? perhaps its a dopamine problem.>unexpected turnsi now know how true that is, im just not entirely sure there's many turns left in the path im following. we'll see i suppose.>>84866726good job on exercising anon, keep that up!>schedulesi think thats kind of weird, i wouldnt be okay with it either. i do however understand that some people might feel the need to schedule everything in order to feel like they have stuff under control so maybe you just met someone like that. hopefully you find someone else.>meal preps with bbqi dont think there's anything inherently wrong with that although i dont think bbq is going to taste any good if you leave it in the freezer for like more than 2 days. unless, you cook it again a bit once you take it out but that kinda takes away the purpose of meal prepping.>>84867748>Maybe I should reconsider my limits.i think you should. also, apologies if i sounded cold or seemed like i attacked you in my last reply, it wasn't my intention.>Repeated failure feels pretty badyes, it does. it feels bad also to suppress things and let them fester inside you. the difference between the two is that one (the first) gives you a ever so slight possibility of things changing. remember that, inaction is what causes stress, and action is what cures it>>84868217>no one treats it like its realwell thats retarded. boxing is cool and being a coach is even cooler and a valid job>was going to save meanon, there isn't a single person on this earth that can save you. you can only save yourself. others can help, but thats all. try to take the happy times you had recently and use them as motivation. "ive been so happy before, i can do it again!". and good work on getting a car that soon. which one was it?
Waow, the thread survived overnight... is this the longest-running Tao thread ever? Might just be.>>84867748>I wonder how it feels to be that person.Dunno, probably feels pretty bad though if you are insecure at all. It certainly would be fertile grounds for lots of paranoid thoughts.>>84868742>sleep doesnt do much sadly.That is unfortunate indeed... sleep is one of the best mood stabilizers for me. It almost always resets me back to baseline from whatever I was feeling the day before. Sadly this does also mean if I have a good day, the next one is gonna be at best a normal day. But I guess I can't complain much overall, it's nice being able to reset your mood like this for the most part. I'm kind of surprised it doesn't work like that for you though, I thought it was a universal thing. >got properly hired yesterdayOh! I thought when you said that you just meant that you found this job, not that you actually properly got hired! Well, in that case, congratulations!! Even if you don't feel anything about it I am at least able to feel a little happy for you. Your next shift is on Monday I'm guessing? Also, how long do you have until school starts again? Hopefully it's still a while before then so you can make some bank.>anxietyYou feel anxious even though you are already pretty used to this job? Or is the anxiety about something else?Cont.
>>84868744>>84869242Cont.>expecting the thing to fail as soon as possibleI do this too! Waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. I guess this is a trauma response, you are used to things going badly so you can't feel safe if you are relaxed, you have to always be ready for the next bad thing to happen. I don't know why, but it just feels so awful to be surprised by something bad happening, that we'd rather never feel happy in the first place. I suppose it's us desperately trying to feel in control over something that is in reality outside of our control.I wish I knew how to fix this. Knowing logically that letting yourself be happy won't actually bring about some calamity doesn't seem to be enough to actually let down my guard.>new cars use less petrolYeah but they still take a lot of resources to make, so I wonder how much of a carbon footprint they leave behind. I suppose it's still not as much as driving a shitbox, so unless someone drives theirs very rarely it does make sense to buy a new car in the long run. But yeah, I wonder if part of the reason is just that they want to sell more cars...Cont.
>>84868744>>84869250Cont.>feel slightly more motivatedOh, you do? That's awesome Anon! Try to keep doing things and not take any long breaks I suppose, that should hopefully help with sustaining that motivation. I doubt that's from the B12 though, when I mentioned a "boost" I meant more of a physical energy sort of boost, not a motivational one. Vitamin D might give you more of a motivation boost considering lack of it can cause depression, as you know... but yeah. Do you know what other things happening in your life might have helped? It's always good to identify things that lead to you feeling better so you can recreate those circumstances again. I wonder if it's partly because you uninstalled League, it seems like you've been playing a much wider variety of games now which to me seems like a good thing at least. Have you been enjoying it or are you terribly bored most of the time and forcing yourself to play these games just to do something? >good job replying to your parents also!Sankyuu! It went kinda awful though, my mom messaged me so many times urghh... and she kept asking to come over and I had to tell her "No" even though I really hate telling people no and it made me feel super guilty and awful and I wanted to die. At least I feel asleep quickly afterwards and now I'm feeling okay again. Your sleep wasn't too good I reckon? I saw you listening to music at like 6AM...
>>84868744>>which one was it?2018 Camaro SS in hyper blue metallic. Its got every option and a manual transmission. In terms of physical possessions, its the most important thing to me
>>84868742>you know, i often say im jealous of schizos as a joke but sometimes i really amIf we're talking real schizophrenia then I wouldn't be... From what I've heard it's horrible and it just keeps getting worse. Being a schizoid however seems nice. They live in their own detached world and have no interest in social relationships. I can sort of relate to that but not entirely. I'm fine by myself but I still desire social relationships unfortunately.>i just cut off anyone before they get too closeAnon... that's still bpd. To not be bpd you have to accept that nobody actually cares about you and that feelings are ephemeral. The three most important things you need to break free from it: apathy, skepticism, and pessimism. And your feelings? They don't matter. Always be "chill" and things will go well every time.>im just 1 or 2 really bad things away from giving up entirelyYou mean from society, right? What happens after you give up?>>84868744>then it becomes incredibly hard to start againI can usually get back to it if I force myself, but yeah... It's really annoying when it happens. Just the idea of having to do it again makes me feel nauseous.Today I took another day off, I don't feel like doing anything at all... Hopefully tomorrow will be different. What about you anon? Enjoying the weekend?>im just not entirely sure there's many turns left in the path im followingI feel the same... About to hit a dead end here, but I still remain foolishly hopeful.
RIP threadNo one cared about my car :(
I'm just waiting until it's all over before I can really start my life. Yeah, I know it's a sad existence but what can you do? God didn't make this world. It's a hellish existence.
sorry anons. i didnt feel too great today and i wasnt home most of the time, i didnt mean to ignore you.>>84869242>have a good day, the next one is gonna be at best a normalthat does happen to me too, its just the sadness that doesnt get reset.>is on Mondayno, they'll call me when im needed basically, i dont have stable shifts. its an on-call contract or whatever you wanna call it. school starts back in september, but i think i'll probably keep working even while doing that.>something else?correct>the next bad thing to happenyeah. it sucks. i wish i could just enjoy the moment but its really hard. my brain doesnt leave me alone ever. there's always that thought in the back of my head reminding me how bad its going to be when everything eventually fails.>what other things happening in your life might have helped?i think you can guess. its also the reason why i feel so anxious.>>84870267pretty cool desu. i actually saw one today while on the road. chevys are pretty rare here, you dont see em often. how long did it take for you to save enough to buy one?>manualbased>>84872088sorry... i took too long to answer...>>84871057>real schizophreniayeah, i know how terrible it is, i wouldnt wish it on anyone. a schizoid, i guess it depends on which type you get. i know one that does crave for relationships yet just can never get them anywhere and its a pretty miserable life.>still bpdi know, i know... >your feelings? They don't matterit still hurts just the same to ignore them though. no matter what i try it always hurts. everything socially related hurts. i hate it i wish i could just be happy alone. but no. its like crack. it kills me but i cant live without it.
>>84871057>from society...right. i think i'd just not bother taking care of myself anymore. no more working out, no more trying to be productive, no more working, eating, working out, hobbies, nothing. i would do nothing but things that give me short term satisfaction until i die or kill myself. hopefully, i dont ever get to that point. i'd rather die than end up that way.>>84871057>I took another day offwe all deserve a break sometimes so thats okay. dont be too hard on yourself anon.>Enjoying the weekend?i dont really know. my feelings keep going from good to awfully bad. for the most part, its been bad. maybe tomorrow will be better desu.>foolishly hopefulhope is the last to die, no? so let it earn death.>>84872113you mean start in the afterlife? hopefully not... although i dont blame you for wanting to leave this circus.
>>84872873Thanks for responding>>How long did it take for you to saveStarted working in a warehouse at 16, did that till I started college, then got a full time job at a dealership. A year later, at 19, I had saved 30k for a down payment on a 40k car. It has every option including the track package, literally the most expensive possible SS, and its my pride and joy.>>basedIt ain't a sports car if you ain't shifting your own gears
>>84872958>including the track packagethat is quite nice indeed. i assume its not the convertible version? well anyway that thing goes fast. i can only wish that someday ill have enough money saved up to buy a nice car. doesnt really have to be fancy or anything, just good looking and fast.>ain't a sports car if you ain't shifting your own gearsit aint a car if you aint shifting your own gears you could say
>>84873322Not a 'vert. They didn't make convertibles with the track pack, you lose too much chassis rigidity. Its fast, but I don't really care. I've driven the fastest car in the world, McLarens, Mercedes GT-R Black Series, Porsche 911 Turbos etc. What I care about is the driving experience. I chose my car over everthing else, knowing a 30k down payment could get me nearly any car I could reasonably want. But I genuinely believe, from experience, it is the best driving car for less than a million dollars. The steering, handling, the transmission and the experience of the engine are all top tier. Nothing sounds like it, drives like it and is also dailyable. Its unique for any price. Fast is overrated. A Tesla Model S Plaid is 30k and is still the third fastest car ever made, it will beat any car you find on the street.>>it ain't a car if you ain't shifting your own gears you could sayThats accurate. It becomes a transportation device, not a medium of freedom and an object of desire and experience. All the modern automatic only supercars are boring eventually, which is why modern Ferraris are worth nothing and 30 year old ones are only rising in value>>picrel
>hello anon, how are you doing today?I'm in a good mood today! I had a lot of fun with 4chan today, although I should have done other things too...>i know things can be difficult, and you're doing great. And that's also why we need to cherish when things are lighter. but if you wanna vent about something you can do it here, ill listen. I was thinking about how the time passed fast on the last sports practice I had. It's hard for me to get out of my head, so it was a great thing.>do you think you're good at keeping secrets?It has been a while since I last had to keep a secret, so I can't tell.
Bump bc I want someone to comment on my car >:(
>>84874770Bump because I want someone to comment on anons car.
My bpd seems to be calming down a bit. Thank you.
>>84873483>McLarens, Mercedes GT-R Black Series, Porsche 911 Turbos etc.hmmm, those are all really cool cars but, you ever driven a 500hp turbo peugot 206? now that, is fun. i think the ultimate driving experience is to drive heavily modified shitboxes that could just kill you any moment.i do like actual sports cars too, but im more into older ones>fast is overrated maybe, although fast usually also means really nice sounding engines which is what REALLY matters in a car to me. yes, my priorities in a car are weird i know.>picrelreally nice car desu. ever considered adding a spoiler to it?>>84873575hello, nice to hear you're in a good mood! what happened on the chan that cheered you up?>last sports practicewhat sport do you play?>>84875742if you are who i think you are, then please don't feel guilty for what happened before, its alright. im glad you're feeling better anone. i wish i could say that my bpd is getting better but lately, its been killing me.
>>84875870>if you are who i think you are,if I were you'd dm me but I doubt I am. if I am I didn't suspect you have it too
"oh he's in a depressed mood again. let's just come back tomorrow"dude. come on. can we stop pretending that depression is just a thing like the common cold that happens now and again? depression ALWAYS has a cause. you get depressed for a reason. if your friends are like oh he's depressed i guess we'll see you later, it's like wtf man? do we not want to help one another? i mean what are friends for then? are we just here to dick around and drink and make stupid jokes? is that all friendship is? aren't we a really pathetic and pitiful species if we can't even help our friends???
>>84875870>>hmmm, those are all really cool cars but, you ever driven a 500hp turbo peugot 206? now that, is fun. i think the ultimate driving experience is to drive heavily modified shitboxes that could just kill you any moment.>>i do like actual sports cars too, but im more into older onesBrother, I've never seen a Peugot. I'm from Texas. They ain't been sold since before I was born.Shitboxes are fun because they're a thrill, but I'm after backroad handling, and a shitbox that handles becomes annoying, creaky and loud. Plus I can only have one daily car.>>maybe, although fast usually also means really nice sounding engines which is what REALLY matters in a car to me. yes, my priorities in a car are weird i know.Meh, modern fast means turbo which means the exhaust sounds like shit because the header design is compromised and revs are limited. The real solution to an exciting engine is naturally aspirated, low displacement and high revs. Because more torque means longer gears, means less fun on the street. So minimize displacement and don't use boost, make power with revs, and that is an unfailing recipe for excitement. Alternatively, any engine thats weird or funky is fun. Audi's turbo 5, the GR Corolla's turbo 3, a pushrod V8. All just unique and fun things to interact with because they're so different.>>really nice car desu. ever considered adding a spoiler to it?Picrel (came with track pack, same as the splitter)
>>84872873>didnt feel too greatMm hopefully today is better... though it looks like you didn't sleep very well so we're off to a bad start...>sadness that doesnt get resetWell that's great, so you've got the worst of both worlds!>on-callThat's annoying. I guess you won't be making bank after all... Perhaps they'll give you shifts decently regularly though. >keep workingHmm I suppose if your shifts are this short and not even every day then yeah, you may as well. Shouldn't be too overwhelming hopefully.>correctAh I see... so I guess that hasn't gotten any better. That sucks. I don't know if I can offer much reassurance at this point, I was hoping it'd get better on its own but that doesn't seem to be happening... I guess phases like this do sometimes last a long time though, maybe it will still get better.>its really hardHave you found anything that helps? It seems like one of those things that you can't really succeed at by just trying harder, kind of like trying to fall asleep. You just have to "let" it happen somehow. >you can guessI see, I thought you meant there was something else more recent that helped with motivation, but I guess not. I had a dream about the same thing happening to me today... I wish I could go back to that dream instead of waking up. It sure seems nice. But then again it can never be that nice in the real world, and I know it's not actually going to fix anything, which your experience only confirms... maybe it'd at least give me a temporary boost though. I kind of feel like it's pathetic that I need something like that to even feel motivated. Why can't I motivate myself? I feel so useless.Also I tried out Speed Freeks yesterday. It's fairly fun I guess but seems like it'll get stale pretty quickly. I liked shooting mostly, the racing not so much. And there are indeed barely any people online. It's amazing that like 5 million people own this game now but no one plays it still.Also picrel. How are you alive Anon???
>>84876069>guess we'll see you latermaybe they dont know how to help you. maybe they have tried in the past and it didnt work, so they concluded its best to wait for the bad period to go away. sometimes, the best you can do as a friend is just be there, rather than try and actively fix the other person's issues. your friends aren't your therapists anon, you're the one that should fix your own problems, dont expect others to do it for you. others can only help, yes, and they should if you want them to.>what are friends formainly, to have fun together. if a friendship becomes nothing but two people trauma dumping eachother its not really fun anymore, is it?>>84876236>never seen a Peugotyeah i did guess as much. youre missing out desu. surely you've seen some modified honda civic at least once though? they're more common there. or a subaru. maybe a toyota yaris?>exhaust sounds like shiti agree that is usually the case, its even worse in shitboxes but you can fix that by modding it and its not that difficult i recon. is it legal? maybe... maybe not...>naturally aspirated, low displacementcan you even find engines that aren't put in ugly SUVs with low displacement? like all the good ones are from the 1980s. everything new just gets put in the ugliest piece of scrap you can imagine.>GR Corolla's turbo 3that thing is reaally nice. 0 to 100 in like 5 seconds and its a 3 cylinder. i love toyotas because they look angry also.>Picrellooks clean desu. personally im a fan of flashier attachments.>>84877069>bad start...indeed. at worst i'll drink my liver off at my nephew's birthday. i really dont want to exist today.>won't be making bank after allthats fine i guess, as long as i manage to make some money its better than nothing. most of it is going to go to my mom anyhow.>it'd get better on its owni thought so too. im not really sure it will, but what else can i do other than wait?>found anything that helpsyes, not being sober>picrelyeah. i dont know.
I'm broke and I think I crossed a line today. My car needs a new ignition coil. It jammers and runs on 3 cylinders like 1/4 of the time. It's horrible to drive and probably horrifically bad for the engine. But I only had 158 dollars or something. This was from scamming the govt for bennies, left over from buying food and petrol. Inakways prioritize these. But I wanted drugs. So spent 50 on clonazepam and then I got the house to myself in 2 days, for 2 days. So I want to hard trip and brought 3 tabs -> another 50. A second hand ignition coil (what my car needs) is 40 from pick a part. But I went to the liquor store and wanted to drink. I had onky took 1mg kpins so wasn't barred just wanted to. But the gross beer and wine disgusted me. So I went over budget and brought what I wanted (jap premix of sparkling water lemon and vodka). Now I have less than the 40 it's for a new ignition coil. "New" lol. But honestly i trust some used more than Chinese reps. I gotta wait till Thursday for payday and I'll go get a coil then. It's Tuesday trip day. I have 3 tabs, some kpins in case it gets out of hand. I'll take the tabs and see how it goes.
>>84877158>nephew's birthdayOh so that's today... Hopefully you don't die of boredom. Maybe there'll be something fun to do other than drinking and talking with people you don't care about? Or maybes that's wishful thinking. Do tell me how it goes desu>most of it is going to my mom anyhowDoes she want you to pay her back for all the times you borrowed money from her? Or are you just going to pay for daily expenses like groceries and stuff? Would be nice if you had some money left over for yourself too, surely you will I imagine. >other than waitWell there are things you could do probably... but if you don't want to do them, then indeed, all that's left is waiting. Sigh. Things had better work out okay, I don't want you paranoid brain expecting failure at every turn to be proven right again. >not being soberWell that is indeed one thing that helps I suppose... mayhaps benzos (actual ones) could help too then. I doubt I'm going to be put on those though. Not sure I'd want it either since I'm afraid of getting addicted. But dang it would sure be nice to just be able to relax and chill for once. >yeah. i dont knowDo you have an indoor thermometer? I wonder what kind of temps it reaches indoors. Here it easily reaches 31 degrees if I turn the AC off for a few hours, but then again this building doesn't have any insulation, just a 1 brick thick wall.
>>84877196and this is why you dont do drugs kids. spend that money on car parts instead.>>84877491>there'll be something fun to doi have my doubts. maybe they'll even force me to play happy birthday on the guitar in front of like 15 relatives.>she want you to pay her backno, but i do. i dont like having debts. i have to pay pack someone else you may know too. >there are things you could doi really dont know what to do, i think ive exhausted most of the possible options.>I'm afraid of getting addictedmeh, i think they're the least harmful thing you can get addicted to that still gives some relief. i dont really care anymore if i get addicted im just tired of the daily torture that is having to deal with my thoughts.>>84877491>an indoor thermometeryes. its 25 degrees indoors with all the windows and curtains closed. i dont even have an ac just a ceiling fan
>>84872873>yet just can never get them anywhereSchizotypal disorder? That one is indeed a curse.Did you know personality disorders are categorized into clusters? Schizotypal and schizoid are cluster A. I think I'm mostly a mix between A and C, C being avoidant+obsessive.>everything socially related hurtsThat's why I'd rather not try anymore, too much pain and effort for little to no benefits. I've managed to "sedate" the part of me that seeks more so I can keep things casual. Human behavior is too erratic and can't be trusted anyway...>i think i'd just not bother taking care of myself anymoreYou don't have to give up on yourself to give up on society. My idea of giving up is more about deviating from what people normally do or expect me to do and follow my own path. So far this hasn't been working very well for me by the way...>my feelings keep going from good to awfully badThat must suck... Is there anything you regularly look forward to? I always try to have a few things there for me every day so I can look forward to something positive even during bad days. I think it's important to create safe moments that let you regain energy for the next day, although this is probably not as simple to do when you can't control your bad thoughts...
>>84877758>Schizotypal disorder?yeah. i dont know how else to mental illnesses other than with the word "curse". no one is ever deserving of them, no one chooses to have them, and yet people still judge people for having them.>being avoidant+obsessivei haven't gotten a proper diagnosis, although some results from tests i took at the mental ward did say i have basically every trait for bpd (yet, they didnt want to diagnose me with anything). though thanks to recent events, i've come to understand myself a bit more and i think i might also be a mix of avoidant and obsessive, or anxious. i need my alone time and i get scared if others are too clingy, but at the same time, if people dont show enough clinginess, i panic and think they hate me, and that they're going to leave me. then, i ask them a billion times if its true they hate me, i convince myself they do even if they say they dont, then i distance myself and cut off whoever it is that made me feel that way. god. i hate my stupid brain so much. so so much. i am the sole reason why im so miserable and i no matter how hard i try to change i just never do. sorry for the rant desu>"sedate" the part of mewith apathy? but then, how do you find the motivation to do anything? i sedated my needs for so long and it resulted me in just never wanting anything. never looking forward to anything. just existing and going with the flow. sure, it didn't hurt as much as wanting, but the feeling of emptiness consumes everything else>deviatingi guess i could do that, but i'd have to move out somewhere i dont know anyone. and start my life over. sadly, ive put up so many masks during my existence that i cant really keep up with them anymore, and i just want a blank slate to start from. so i can be truly myself all the time. even though, that was the reason why ive been alone so long anyway. and the reason why i started wearing masks... whatever>regularly look forward toregularly? taking benzos maybe so im free from thinking.
>>84877699>play happy birthday on the guitarJust don't bring your guitar and say you forgot it, there problem solved. Unless they have a guitar you can use then you're screwed I guess... Also I imagine you do want to bring it 'cause then there'd be something to do at least.>no, but i do.Right, I suppose you do... do you know how much you have to pay back? Have you kept track of it over the years? >i have to pay pack someone else you may know too.Never heard of 'em desu>exhausted most of the possible options.Oh, have you actually tried something then? I was under the impression you hadn't. Well either way that's no good...>least harmful thingWell, they are less harmful than alcchy at least, so maybe you're right. Still not a fan of getting another addiction though. >i dont really care anymoreI feel this. A few years ago I would have never even considered drugs like that. Life sure has a way of beating you down until you succumb to it. Oh well. If I get put on xannies I'll be sure to smuggle some in when I visit you. Though maybe that'd just be cruel, giving you a taste of relief and then having it taken away again when you run out of them...
>>84877158I've driven several modded Hondas and STIs. Meh. Both are impossible to sound good because turbos. I don't like FWD because I like sliding my cars and adjusting my line driving around the rear. WRXs handle good, but the transmission sucks and I can't stand the sound. Hondas have great transmissions but bad exhausts and the Type R rides like dogshit.Its all legal here, we don't have yearly inspection of any kind. My dad has an 800 horsepower C7 Corvette Z06 that would make a euro politician cry and piss himself. No cats, long tube headers, shoots flames, nasty cam and a loud ass supercharger.Its rare but definitely exists. Honda S2000/any honda K swap with equal length 421 headers. The new Corvette Z06, Mustang GT350 (or modded GT). Any non turbo Porsche, pre turbo BMWs, pre turbo Ferraris and Lambos (Specifically the cheap shit like Gallardo convertibles and Mondials, small displacement, big revs) or you can build one. In the US at least, an LS block displacing 4.8 liters is cheaper than water in a rainstorm. Just take that, throw new heads and the fattest, nastiest cam in it and you have a 9k rpm Nascar engine. All of these are 5.5 liters or less and rev pretty high.GR Corolla is among my favorite new cars. Handles great, slides around, great steering, good transmission, sounds wicked. Its just fun. And its got some of the lowest gearing of any fun car not named MX5.I'm not big into flashy stuff. Its not a COD gun. I like subtle touches and leaving the budget for performance and experience.
