I'm continuing my thread from last week.https://boards.4chan.org/lgbt/thread/44803392#topI began having sex with men infrequently after i left my last girlfriend. Each time a man had me it was assumed without discussion that I was the receptive partner. There was simply no practical alternative for me to have sex with men. This led to a preference for aggressive, dominant men. At first this seemed like simply a vice with which to fill empty periods in my life. But as the years wore on it became obvious from my sexual partners that I had completely abandoned pursuing women.I gradually learned that for a slender person willing to be submissive, sex was readily available and guilt free. I also learned that, in the context of male homosexuality, to be an exclusively receptive partner means being viewed with impatience, exasperation, and scorn by men who truly value masculinity. One one encounter, while I was still learning how to flirt with men as a submissive male, a man who had been pouring me drinks pushed me down on his bed and began summarily fucking me. I was in a state of shock. Being subject to compulsory sexual brutality induced something close to a state of nirvana for me. My mind endlessly confronted the question that hadn't been asked. Was it what I wanted? It must be, or else I was the victim. It was in that moment when I first understood male potency.
>>44866489The part of my life that was most shameful by far were the years immediately before transition.I had never found a relationship with a man despite many casual hookups and was beginning to give up on the possibility. I shifted my efforts toward living an online lifestyle.I ended up face to face with total self destruction. Simply put: i was stuck In a series of long term long distance submissive relationships witch chuddy neckbeard men. I lost all guardrails against internalizing a masochistic fetishized parody of a gay male identity, one that existed only in the negative. This allowed me to get to a place of fundamental internal instability from which i could modify my behavior.I decided that the driving force of my life would be atonement for the perceived failures that had led me to such an isolated and desperate existence. I had prevaricated on starting estrogen by internalizing the meme of everyone being bisexual and trying to force myself to accept the self concept of being a submissive gay male.My concept of taking estrogen at the outset was defined by the punishment of castration, and my adoption of female dress and conduct served to make my status unmistakeable. It did not occur to me how many changes I would unleash and how rapidly this process would unfold.
