I've engaged in a lot of what might charitably be called "artistic license" on this board over the years. I had my reasons! But I feel the time has come to speak with greater candor. To be clear, anyone's interpretation of MEF or AGP is equally as valid as mine, if i said otherwise it was to try to get people to write more.When i look at a beautiful woman i typically feel nothing for her these days. Which is a strange sensation to me. It feels like something's missing, almost like a puzzle. I can see, objectively, logically, how attractive she is. But the only thing she makes me think of is having sex with men, either my current boyfriend, an ex, a prior hookup, or a fictional scenario. For many people this is mundane and worth commenting on. For me it contains my entire 35 year life trajectory.Sometimes the realization lands quietly: my cock is gone. I can never go back. That woman isn't a lesbian, she doesn't date people with vaginas. no matter how hard i tried, she would be completely inaccessible to me, i can never enter another straight woman. I don't know if this is what trans women who are completely impotent feel . For me, on estrogen, after my balls were removed, I began to get severe erectile dysfunction. However dysfunctional doesn't mean nonreactive. My penis would slowly fill with blood and get larger, if I laid still on my back, would even get a bit hard. Since I was a child, this was a source of great uncertainty for me.The vagina is a delicate wet hole, it imposes a unique dependency on those who have it: sex requires at minimum the motivation of an external phallic force. Less discussed is the impact it can have on one's personality. 1/??
larp also too long
>>44803392Eventually, confused after so long without feeling ashamed and castrated, I fight to regain that sense of masculinity, to feel that familiar masochistic glow of emasculation. It's almost frantic, my compulsive "checking" instinct making me analyse my reaction to her thighs, her breasts, her smile. But the process keeps stalling. The thought terminates at the same point each time "my penis is gone." And it dissolves into frustration. I yield to the thoughts that come naturally which are only more intense as I realize I can't escape them.To say that inside me there are two people would be misleading. There can only ever be one 'me.' But there can exist other interpretations, sometimes you can live inside them, record memories, and look back on it later.When i was a child, in a conservative household, my attraction to men and my desire to transform into a girl (both of which only fully emerged at age 10) was like a genetic illness, something the rational mind wanted to resist or ignore. As I got older and the dream of being a youngshit started to be dismantled by reality, I noticed women more. I tried forcing myself to be attracted to women. It didn't exactly work, but I still loved women. My future seemed bleak.Eventually i found a workaround: i got heavily into depraved hentai. Usually involving "bad" things happening to females. Because i was looking at a woman and there was no male character, I assumed it was straight.2/?? (There is a point to this i swear)
>>44803423It's not a larp, trust me. It's much worse. It's self indulgent ranting about my fetishes and other topics.
>>44803392When i finally managed (with effort) to lose my virginity to a woman at age 19 it was a revelation. Because I was physically able to reproduce and carry on my bloodline, I had a duty to do it at all costs. From that point on, the phrase "bisexuality male" hung around my neck like an albatross. I can barely express how frustrated my autistic mind was at the fact of being bisexual "by default."I was never able to sustain much interest in women I dated. It was only an obligation. But I kept feeling the pull toward men, and estrogen. I came out to my first girlfriend as trans. I was relieved when she was accepting, I was also dismayed. I could technically have sex with women. I could technically be a "lesbian." I could technically reproduce sexually. And in the eyes of many people I soon discovered, that meant I couldn't really be trans. If I was capable of making it that far and having intercourse with a woman, I had a duty to remain male.At this point, for whatever reason, a fanatical lust centered on women began to develop. This fixation was the thing that proved i wasn't trans (or gay). It also explained my lack of interest in relationships. There was always a more attractive woman to imagine. I came to hate this lust more than anything, far more than I ever hated my attraction to men or my desire to be feminine. The lust defined me as male and was what gave society control over my body, personified as scantily clad and alluring women.3/??
tldr
>>44803635I know. I'm sorry. But I must post this here.>>44803392the effort to be straight burned out after a few years. I realized i only found women attractive with their clothes on and vaginas safely concealed. but in terms of actual sex I preferred strictly men.Being vagina repulsed had been very upsetting to me from a young age, and it was something i denied for a long time, because it was the proof that I was a homosexual. The worst thing was that even though i hated the smell and appearance of the vagina, it wasn't enough to make me give up on sexual reproduction. (If this is confusing, I fully understand. It confused me too.)So, I broke up with my last girlfriend, now totally devoid of hope for the future.I decided that i would sate the lust for women by masturbating to fully clothed women (celebrities) which would avoid hurting any innocent women, but i would begin trying to forcibly correct my sexuality and recondition myself to be gay.The reason I resorted to this "option" was because I felt i had definitively disproven that I could be trans by that point. But I also felt I had disproven being gay, since I had been with women. I also just didn't really want to be gay. I didn't act anything like a gay guy. Gay men were as alien to me as women. I felt more comfortable around straight men. I acted like a lowkey autistic nerd, i had a feminine affect and preferences but also a very bitter and jaded thoroughly "malebrain" view of the world by then.
>>44803392The next 5 years of my life were honestly so bad I have a hard time being honest about it.I occupied most of my (excessive) sexual energy with celebrity worship, captions, hypno, babecocks, weird old school videos where attractive women smoking cigarettes would fade-transition into gay sex. I never masturbated less than 9-10 times per day in those years.I began anally masturbating, and doing everything I could to associate attractive women with gay sex. I would look at women while penetrating myself, I would look at women while on the toilet, or smelling something bad. I told everyone I still knew (by then not many people) that I was gay, and of course they didn't react. At least once a female acquaintance who i hadn't spoken to in a while asked me: "why are you telling me this?" (Although she was known for being a bitch) Several people just told me they didn't believe me. Anyone who knew me at all knew how obsessed I was with the female form.And of course she was right to be skeptical. Coming out was a degradation fetish for me, regardless of whether it was true or not. Moreover, I was simply perverted in a way that was so distinctly masculine it made being around women depressing. I wanted to destroy the part of myself that felt uncomfortable and ill at ease with being gay. I wanted to destroy the part of myself that felt like a straight male, so I could get my life back and be normal.eventually, i started making myself have hookups with men.I found that I would enjoy them, sometimes, but only as an act of carnal abandonment, the masochistic thrill of ego destruction. The one time i felt a glimmer of affectionate feelings for a man, he shut me down decisively and with contempt. To be a gay bottom was to be a begger, a hapless mark. Once the man nutted he seemed to share my own lack of interest in being gay.5/??
>>44803392Why do all these MEFreaks wanna be kpop idols?
>>44803392I would describe it like this:The masculine sadistic thrill of conquering and dominating the female body had been converted into the masochistic thrill of being unable to do so, of giving up on it.In this, my need to castrate myself began to take shape.My fairly benign interest in captions and hypnos began to warp further, toward the idea of being a "sissy." For me what this represented was self hatred and despair becoming all consuming. I never acted on it, because i found the actual practices deeply disgusting and usually dysphoria inducing) but I began to see myself through that lens and write about myself that way.I assumed a female identity on discord and began taking steps to make my existence completely digital.Eventually I couldn't bear my own existence any further.The only way for me to continue living and stay sane was to adopt the role of the female using the cultural process of transitioning.The only way i could cope with perceived failure to pass was by making transition a self conscious humiliation ritual.It also served as a self inflicted punishment for failure to transition when young, failure to have a family as a normal man, and failure to "just be gay"But more importantly, it was the next step in a war of annihilation against myself.Everything i did, i did to sever the hold that women had over me, the perceived duty to carry on my bloodline.I wanted to destroy all hope of being with a woman, and all shame at not being with a woman, permanently.Having sex with men didn't accomplish this. It didn't erase the past.Transitioning didn't accomplish it, I could still get hard on estrogen, to some degree.Castration didn't accomplish it, because even though i became increasingly dysfunctional, there was still a reaction, a twitch, an awareness, and the shame that came with it. The shame that I was a fraud, that I had chosen it, due to a personal failing.
>>44803423fuck off, this is good. Please continue OP!
>>44803895It's just me who's like that. Most of the MEFs here are good girls. Unfortunately I am pretty rotten. I don't speak for all of them.Also i wouldn't say I want to be kpop idols. I'm fine being my race, height, weight at this point. For me, idols are a representation of feminity as a curated aesthetic that is both "safe for work" and yet simultaneously provocative. It's not meant as a fetishization of Asians. I could post white, or black female pop stars, or post katseye, but those tend to attract more shitposters since they're better known.
>>44803392>The vagina is a delicate wet hole, it imposes a unique dependency on those who have it: sex requires at minimum the motivation of an external phallic force. Less discussed is the impact it can have on one's personality.What should somebody scheduled for SRS be prepared for?
>>44804360>What should somebody scheduled for SRS be prepared for?A world of disappointment, resentment and the feeling that you've been mutilated. Be prepared for less dates too since nobody wants an srsoid.
Will post the rest later, maybe.
>>44804675Please?
As a straight tranny (gay male) I completely get the castration thing. I've had phimosis since I was a child. I have never jacked off like normal men do, I can only do prone. I never had the instinct of topping someone even when I find women attractive. Since starting HRT my dick has lost 5cm, my balls shrunk and I have ED now. I sometimes get off to the idea that I am physically uncapable of fucking women. I cannot become the rape monster society wanted me to be. I am harmless and impotent and I want people to recognize me as such. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be dangerous. All my life I've been physically weak, skinny, low T, whatever you want to call me. All I ever wanted since I was a child was to be protected and cared for by men and I am glad I finally achieved it.
>>44803392Girl stfu
>>44807390Fuck that, OP is awesome and I want to hear how the story ends
Finish your fucking thread OP
>>44804360not OP but srsoid since 2022months leading up to it: weird thoughtsmonth 1 after surgery: pain and stinging. Even taking a pee is painful.month 2: pain subsides, stinging stays and subsides very slowly. Dilation becomes more tolerablemonth 3: no more pain, rare stinging, brain fully adapts to the change. Can start trying to turn dilation into masturbation sessionsmonth 4: if you have a bf, you may try to get fucked in the srussy. Will definitely be weird mentally for the first few times, even if you're MEF (or I'd say especially if you're mef, heh)months 5-12: you slowly get used to the small but noticeable changesMonths 1-3 are the most unfun. Have someone (ideally a bf) to care for you. You'll need assistance even with the most basic tasks.Totally worth it over the long run, but the early recovery absolutely does suck no matter what technique you pick(ed).
wtf OP, finish the thread!
>>44811305How early can you go back into work? I am already stealthing so if I ever get SRS I would need to have the surgery and go back to my normal routine with as few people noticing as possible.
>>44803392Bump
>>44812341Depends on the type of work, I suppose.I couldn't walk properly for the first 6 months. But I did work from home after the first month.
How long do you think my attention span is OP? I'm not reading al;l that. Make it like half a sentence next time yeah?
>>44803392this thread is such a tease, just like I am sure OP is
this thread makes me want to blow my brains out. good job OP.
