I had a panic attack related to my C-PTSD in front of my girlfriend yesterday evening, because the past is fucked up enough for my brain to be convinced that the second night someone sleeps over, I'm convinced I am going to get assaulted, because the pattern happened ever since I was 3. It's really fucked up. I froze like a dumbass, hyperventilated, and then started crying while she held me. She stayed, told me it was alright. But still I feel really ashamed about it. I never cry in front of anyone, like ever. I genuinely think it happened less than twice in my life. And I never spoke up about what happened to me during 20 years, except her when we started dating.Oddly enough, a part of deep down is proud of me for for crying in front of someone because it shows healing and trust. And she ended up laying down on my body (autistic compression does wonders and we both know it) and asking me where it was alright to touch without making it dramatic, and we ended up laughing about it. Still I really really feel ashamed, feel like I acted like a little girl and like I was dramatic, and I have no idea how to deal with it in my first ever serious relationship where I don't feel scared shitless enough to flee.PS: We never had sex yet because she knows what people did to me says we have all the time in the world.
>>34551889Don't tell us. Tell her. Explain that it wasn't her, but your old problems, and be as honest and open as you can. It is likely that she hasn't been judging you, but herself, wondering what she did wrong that upset you.
>>34552079She knows bits and bits, not everything tho cause it’d too long. She’s basically aware I had a childhood Mysterious Skins style. We’re chill now tho this morning, she asked if she did okay yesterday, and we still cracked jokes about me being touched as a kid. (Well I mostly did, but she laughed) It was just the animal urge to run away this early morning that pissed me off. But it’s mostly off now, like at a 3 not a 8 like 4 hours earlier. I just feel like a shit boyfriend having the animal urge to run from someone I never trusted this much.
You’re doing good and you’re right to be proud, being weak after being strong for so long is the hardest thing to do, especially with a woman
>>34552151Thank you anon :)
