Hey advThis is a thread about sex in ltr’sI would define a long term relationship for the sake of this conversation as a min of 8 years, however feel free to chime in regardless of your length of relationship.The purpose of the thread is to share ideas and tips around having enjoyable and continuing sex over the long life of a relationship. Personally my relationship is 14 years (38m with 38f) and we’ve had many ups and downs. I can say with certainty many of the downs could have been avoided with what I now know and I hope to share some of this and hopefully pick up more tips. Obviously everyone is different so results will vary. So I’ll start with quick rundown:Post honeymoon period (approx 18 months) it started becoming clear my wife (then gf) had a much lower desire for sex than me. I became sexually frustrated. And although she would try to keep it up it resulted in her feeling it was a chore and me not enjoying it as much as she wasn’t really into it. I bet this resonates with a lot of people on here.Over the next few years we tried the talking through the problem and trying planning it more (setting aside time for sex etc) and trying different things usually around her arousel but nothing really helped. It just seemed like she had low sex drive and while our relationship was strong overall, it left me feeling like something important was missing. It never got to the point of no sex at all, but it was always me initiating and often as infrequently as once a month. Over time I stopped talking to her about our sex life and resorted to porn. In the last few years we’ve gained back a lot of the spark. I’ll tell you here what I think made the difference.
>>34571174The first thing, and this is definitely the one that made the biggest difference in my opinion, is that I started picturing my wife as a man when I had sex with her. I'm not like gay, or anything, but something about that just made it much easier.
First I stopped talking to her about our sex life. When we were discussing it she was basically seeing it as her shortfall and it made her feel like a bad partner (even with my reassurances). It felt clinical and absolutely not something that would get her in the mood. She built up anxiety about it. So basically talking to her about it literally made it worse. By not talking about it we returned to some kind of baseline.Second, I started going to the gym and becoming stronger and more physically attractive. She noticed, but more importantly, so did her friends. Although I would never cheat on her I think psychologically this made a difference. And I’m not a big guy, just a year of weights made a pretty big difference. Third, I would initiate sex when the time was most conducive to her. This was when we were both in bed and she was relaxed either close to being asleep or early in the morning. Basically her mind was not racing through day to day things.Fourth, I would not go straight to sex, I would spoon her, give her a back/butt rub massage until she was like putty in my hands and would often start groaning from enjoying the massage. I’d move from there to stroking her thighs and her reaction then would tell me if she was getting horny or not. If she was into it I’d rub her through her panties which, if in the mood, would make her very wet and drive her a little wild. She would practically demand sex at that point. Basically it was low pressure, and if she wasn’t giving signs of getting in the mood I wouldn’t press it, I’d just go to sleep.
>>34571184Fifth - not taking sex seriously. Becoming more playful in general. Lightly teasing her and she would retaliate in kind. Sixth - watching more sexual shows and especially her reading erotic fantasy novels etc. and I have no control over this, but this seems to make a difference. The opposite of this is when she’s stressing over irl events etc. I think there’s a lot to this but obv hard to control.
>>34571174>it started becoming clear my wife (then gf) had a much lower desire for sex than me.No, she just doesn't want you as much as you want her. For most women, sex is a tool to get social status and things they want from men. It's very common for women to be with men they're not really attracted to because they're not with them because they love them or because they're attracted to them. They're with them for the social benefits of being with a man, or the money he provides, or because they need someone to raise their children. It's very rare for a woman to actually love a manI've been with my wife for 21 years. We've been together since we were 15. We have sex between 1-1.5 times a day and that's remained consistent throughout our relationship. And my wife wants me as much as I want her. If she didn't, it wouldn't be possible to even have sex that often without it causing her soreness and discomfort. I really pity guys like you who are stuck in relationships with women that probably don't even like them, let alone love them. Women are master manipulators. I don't know of any good relationship other than my own. Every one of my friends, everyone in my family were all with women who were snakes.I think the difference is my wife is a complete recluse who never goes anywhere or talks to anyone and I'm that way too. We're each other's whole world and we just live in our little bubble together. She doesn't have friends whispering in her ear about how she deserves better than me and should go clubbing and get railed by a bunch of strange guys. She doesn't have friends who neg her about her looks and tell her that she needs to buy 843 different pairs of shoes or wear makeup or get her nails done. She doesn't use social media which brainwashes women into thinking having a million dollar mansion is normal and that their man is a loser if he can't provide that. I'm so lucky to have a normal fucking girl who doesn't let everyone else tell her what to do and think.
>>34571194Anyway those are some things that worked for me to get from frustratingly little sex with wife who thought of sex as a chore to a reasonable amount of quality sex. Tbh I think it ultimately boils down to becoming more sexually attractive to her so she actually wants it. That’s probably pretty obvious but hard to action hence my list of things that did this for me. Anyone have any other tips or things that worked for them?
>>34571268Not particularly actionable advice but thanks for your input!I do know some women are ‘snakes’ but I think this is not the norm at least from the relationships I’ve seen. To be honest I couldn’t live the recluse life, I would yearn for more even if it meant frequent sex.
>>34571174sounds like a woman wrote this but I have hope OP isn'tand yeah this would work. stress is the biggest libido killer for us
>>34571174>30 something year old man discovers foreplay and that his wife only became attracted to him once he started going to the gymsad
>>34573110seriously this post is so insanely cringe. i make my wife suck my dick just about every day. she knows i want to fuck and if she doesn’t she will give in anyway because she thinks it’s hot when i fuck her and loves when i cum. she wants to be wanted and wants me. she wants to cum riding my big fucking cock. op you need to find a woman (or man) who actually wants you, not just puts up with your bullshit
