>>34571599
Figure out what you're afraid of, and work on that. It sounds trite, but the more of your mental armour you can shed, the more authentically you will show up, and the "better" you will be because you will be less focussed on your own experience.

Given you're asking this question I'm gonna assume you have a decent chunk of internalised shame. Maybe you feel like your needs are a burden to others? Having strong boundaries you can trust will help with the self loathing, and will enable you to feel safe trying to rely on others. Going from weak to strong boundaries almost always results in a purge of people from your life, but it makes room for better people.

>>34571879
Thank you Anon. Yes, I tend to let people walk over me because I'm afraid to be alone but I did a lot of things I regret deeply while trying to please others so it's definitely not the way I want to live my life. I want to be myself but even that is so blurred by all the clouds of self-doubt that have distorted the way I see life. I hope one day I can find redemption and restore my life

>>34571599
Why do you want to be a better person? What is that going to get you?

>>34572085
The classic: Oh you're a people pleaser? Name three people who are pleased with you.

But seriously, you are stronger than you know. Your mind has kitted itself out with armour for surviving a war zone (childhood). Now you're out it's gonna take some convincing that you're safe/strong enough to take it off. That process is going to be unpleasant, but so damn freeing. The shame you feel, the burning need to "make up for the fact it's you", is a family heirloom you can learn to put down.

I was neglected as a child and I internalised that as a personal failure to communicate my needs.
I was abused as a child and I internalised that as a personal defectiveness that had to be atoned for through service (I was conditionally cared for if I was useful).

Knowing where the mask ends and we begin is hard. The idea of abandonment triggered a survival response in me too. It is in refusing to have boundaries that we lose respect for ourselves, and lose intuition for what we want and need.

For me, schema therapy has been of immense help. If you have the capacity I would highly recommend it. Most common forms of therapy focus on "awarness" or "mindfulness" bullshit that only helps normies. Schema drills into and helps modify beliefs that helped survive childhood, but no longer serve us. That being said, it can be incredibly destabilising.

Would you describe your childhood as "uneventful", or have you realised how much neglect and/or abuse you probably experienced?

>>34571599
Take some time to meditate each day on your own behavior, evaluate where you erred and how you plan to improve tomorrow.

>>34571599
Don't. theres no point. just do whatever you want whenever you want. thats what everyone else is doing anyways.