My wife's family are extremely demanding and almost like leeches. They're in constant need of something, some aid, some help, some assistance, there's always some trouble, or someone got sick, or something broke, or they need something.Most of the time my wife takes care of it because I'm not about to get involved too much in all that crap, but sometimes I'm also caught inevitably. I hate it because it takes away from the ever shortening free time, and takes away from my wife's time, and takes away from everyone's energy and takes away from everything. The worst thing is when my dad invites me somewhere and I can't because I must go drive someone (nobody from their family drives), or must help with some stuff at their home, or some mundane shit like that. It's extremely annoying to the point where God forbid I'm considering divorce just on this cause alone.My wife knows, she also hates it, she knows it's annoying, but at the same time she feels it's her duty to "help out" her parents and family. I keep telling her that's not help, it's just labor done for lazy people.What do I do? One time we were this close to divorce, I didn't wanna go to her mom to do some shit, I rather sat home and took a nap. My wife was extremely angry because I didn't want to go help, and you can guess there was a huge fight. I'm so taken out of this marriage, I'm disassociating hard, sometimes I don't even feel like being married anymore. It has gotten worse over the past couple months (not that it was ever good)
>>34577000Tell your wife you're not helping her parents at all anymore. Of that results in her divorcing you, you have to accept that.
She's her father's daughter before being your wife.Congratulations. You've got a quality woman
>>34577038I'd hate if I divorced because her family can't fucking do 1 thing on their own, and always need someone to do shit for them. It's not like me and my wife have issues or problems with one another. We never really argue and we're handling ourselves fine. But I, myself, personally, hate their leech family and I never would have guessed it would get this bad. If I knew or suspected, honest to God I wouldn't have married her, even though we got along so great. No amount of "love" is worth this constant bullshit.I don't want divorce, what I would want is for my wife to grow up and let her family handle their own shit. That's obviously difficult to happen because it's "helping her parents" after all, it's a good thing for a child to do for her parents.
>>34577000You have discovered the age old concern of boomers: in-laws.Don't get too hung up about it.
>>34577065Nah, more accurately she's her mother's daughter. Her mother controls everything, very devouring character and likes to shame bomb my wife whenever she doesn't do exactly as told>I'm your mother, I raised you, I did everything for you, everything that I have is for you, I ask for 1 thing and you reject me, is this how a daughter loves her mother?And all this textbook manipulative crap. I'm appalled how shamelessly in your face she is. She literally comes to you crying about how difficult it is for her, how much she does for everyone, how much she sacrifices herself, only to ask my wife to wipe the dust and take out her trash. I'm not joking, she's that unashamed about it.
>>34577069You knew of her character before marriage. Unless you two met and fucked for the first time on your wedding or something.If so. pity.>>34577076That's how old-fashioned families, especially in very patriarchy place, are. They're run by matrons. You understand that it's held together not by love nor a desire for anyone to do better for themselves.
>>34577000>but at the same time she feels it's her duty to "help out"I feel this. My gf gets emotionally manipulated all the time by her mom to do shit for her. She even goes as far as to guilt her with the will and inheritance if she doesn't sit on a couch to consume slip on netflix with her.
>>34577086It wasn't possible to know, how can I know my wives family particularities before getting involved in her family at all? It's not like I was dating my wife and doing chores for her family. When I met them, her mother presented herself as this very mellow lady, how could I know she's the textbook archetypal devouring mother? She doesn't demand me doing things specifically, but she demands my wife and that takes away from our very limited time as is>>34577072I'm not actually. I do my own stuff 90% of the time, but I would have liked to spend more time with my wife.
>>34577121Oh yes, the old inheritance threats
>>34577076Leave NOW. I'm >>34577121 and it will not get any better. Her mother will continue to emotionally manipulate her until the day she dies. God forbid they get dementia or need assistance 24/7, your wife will have to dedicate her life to it until her mom dies. I'm in the same boat as you but not married(thankfully), and I'm currently in the process of leaving my gf soon.
>>34577127Is your gf aware of it happening?My wife is self aware and is very angry about it, but at the same time she can't tell her mother no directly. She is aware that it's manipulation, but her sense of duty to her mother keeps her from going completely rogue.
>>34577135>Is your gf aware of it happening?She's aware and still does it because mommy talks her ear off and doesn't shut up. Her mom is very petty and can hold a grudge for days. My gf doesn't know how to tell her mother to stfu in a nice way. Everyday there are arguments over the dumbest shit. Me being caught in all of this has gotten exhausting.
>>34577139On the grudge part is exactly the same. Wife's mother is very sweet and loving when things go her way, and very petty and hateful and holds deep grudge when things don't go her way. Wife doesn't know how to handle the shaming and the grudge, so she caves in easily. I suspect it's pure indoctrination, these girls haven't known 2 minutes of freedom from their mothers, and they don't know how to deal with the "shame" of "abandoning" their parents.You're only dating, I suggest you break up because like me, things don't get better even after marriage and moving together. She'll always be stuck with her mom.In my case, I don't want divorce. I want to show this girl, my wife, that there's life outside of her mother's influence. We're having such a good time when we're together, we're cooking, going on walls, jogging, going grilling. Then inevitably her mother calls demanding something and everything ends.
>>34577144The best thing for my gf at the time was when she moved out of state to my state, and far from her mother's wrath. My dumbass fell for the meme of mommy being alone and actually needing help, and we agreed to move in, but on the condition if shit gets bad we leave. Turns out, my gf was easily manipulated into staying while I have to make plans to leave soon. Unless you can get lucky and move far away from the mom, it will continue being a nightmare for you.
>>34577148Yeah, textbook manipulation. Poor mommy being all alone and needing help while the ungrateful daughter is partying somewhere far away from the poor mother.Is there a way to combat this utter retardation?
Women can grow out of the manipulation, i did. We need support though. You cant force her to grow up. But the right kinda approach makes the difference. For everyones sake i hope she gets support and grows up
>>34577151>Is there a way to combat this utter retardation?I wish I knew since I was looking for an answer for months. Outside of moving away from the parent, I'm not sure.
>>34577158What is the trigger that kickstarts the breaking out of manipulation? How do grown up 30 years old married adults come to the realization that taking out your lazy mom's trash, and wiping her floor just because she's lazy doesn't make you a paramount of goodness, and telling her no and living your own life with your own established family doesn't make you a bad person? Even the Bible says get away from your parents and be with your man
>>34577000My wife's father was like that. I simply threw his gaslighting back in his face. She couldn't do A for him because she had to do B for me instead, I can't do X for him because I have to do Y instead. When he whined about how unfair it was after he raised her I reminded him that he gave her to me, she's mine now to do with as I want. Told him to go listen to Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle" if he was feeling pissy. He eventually gave up and left us alone.I'm not completely heartless though, after he was diagnosed with cancer and had a couple weeks left I let her go back and help take care of him his last weeks. One of his final demands was that I not attend his funeral, which was fine by me, as it meant I didn't get tasked with toting his boxed-up ass to the hole.
>>34581149That's fucked up desu.
>>34577399Yeah I was constantly getting pissed with my ex because she kept doing shit that her parents could fucking do on their own. I get earning your keep but this bitch was constantly washing clothes/dishes/taking out trash while I never saw her parents do any of that shit even if it was their mess. It's no surprise they had a slobby house. I kept telling her she's not obligated to make herself broke by constantly patting her parents asses but hey, she was raised that way.
>>34581281Yeah he was a real piece of work. If your life didn't revolve around him then he would make your life utterly miserable. His wife killed herself to get away from him, his oldest son joined the army at 17 to get away from him, his oldest daughter got knocked up and married at 16 to get away from him, another son ran away from home at 15 yo, leaving his 8yo daughter stuck catering to his every whim for the next two decades until I came and heartlessly took her away from him and he finally had to take care of himself like an actual adult and she had to get psychiatric care to deal with the effects of a lifetime of his mental and emotional abuse. So very fucked up.
>>34577000Moving further away will probably help, however if her family is really as retarded as they seem they might ignore the consequences of commuting/distance for you guys and make a bunch of demands anyway.Does your wife fully understand the negative consequences of her 'good deeds'? That her mothers' demands are ruining your marriage, that if her mother was a good person that deserved constant sacrifice, she would understand the impact she was having on her daughter's life? Does your wife know the term "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'?I wonder if she's worried about being ostracized by the wider family if she stops helping out.
