File: i'm still standing.png (3.34 MB, 1920x1080)

3.34 MB PNG

19M so i live in austria
and we here got something called the matura (it's almost like the SAT, but it's a exam that's taken per class. iirc it's like the a-levels if you're from the uk)
and i got most of them without issue but german is the one i have to do and i'm ass and have been ass for well... since i've been born here.
and actually i have to redo it as i wasn't good in the actual exam so i have here a sort of a final exam to see if i actually understand it or not. and my god do i not know if i know anything at all.
like it could just be suicidal thoughts and i've had those more than enough, but i really don't want to die. not cause it'll hurt or get me to hell, i don't care about that. it's my mom, she's basically the only reason i'm still alive now, not cause she helps me through this sort of stuff, no not at all. in fact she tried to "help" me by saying and i quote "just don't think like that and it'll be fine" WHAT how the FUCK is that meant to help me!?
but she lost her mom about two years ago and that has really changed her and i don't want to hurt her in more ways.

or... i could call the ambulance say i'm going to kill myself and give them my address and then chain myself to the bathtub that's filling up or something else. but something where i don't have to die but where i can finally get the help i need. as the only way to get a therapist here is to just get a huge ass list from the national insurance or whatever and guess what that list is. name, phone number, address, maybe a speciality or a website, nothing else. like my issue is that i can't make any decisions and now you expect me to make a decision on who to trust with my deepest most personal thoughts. like how could i know that the guy (or gal but idk) won't tell me "well you shouldn't be sad as you should awaken your white superiority" or whatever. not thinking that something like that could actually happen but i couldn't know.

thanks