She is really overprotective, she treats me like a child despite being in my mid 20's. I moved out years ago to a different country and I didn’t know how to do absolutely anything so people made fun of me constantly I came back home recently due to some family issue and my mom won't even let me bring the plates back to the kichen, still treating me like a childI told her that I know she means well but those gestures made my life a living hell because I didn't even know how to fry and egg and she just told me: oh, you can fry them now? In an impressed/proud way which creeps me out because again, it was horrible when I first moved out and she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with that and keeps telling me she doesn't want to argue or even listen to me at all
>>34591420Your mom made the best she could to raise you, and that's how you treat her? You're a piece of shit. Imagine if your mom died tomorrow, and the last image you had of her was you scolding her. People making fun of you? So these people are more important to you than your mom?
>>34591430I didn't know how to do absolutely anything when I moved out. Overprotecting someone to the point where they are helpless in the real world is not good parenting, she did her best, yes; her mom was like that but it doesn't mean it was the right call
>>34591420grow a spine
>>34591436>Yada yada yadaShut the fuck up you fucking pussy. Look, there's no such a thing as "doesn't mean it was the right call." It was the right call. You're an adult, right? You're healthy , right? So why the fuck are you complaining about something that already passed and doesn't matter anymore? You're literally complaining about a problem that doesn't exist.
>>34591420How does he remain so calm in front of the terror?
>>34591436You're complaining about not knowing how to do anything while complaining about how no one drip-fed you instructions to do everything.Why couldn't you have learnt on your own like literally everyone else? Its nice when mother frys eggs because she's doing it out of love for her kid. Learn to fry on your own time.
>>34591420Your lucky wish I had a mother as great as yours
>>34591420because you're a pussy cuck who never established boundaries
>>34591436I want to disagree but sadly from my own personal experience it's true...
>>34591477She wouldn't let me, I did try and she told me she would do it herself. Which sounds really nice up until the point where you aren't able to do anything because you've never had to and struggle with jobs and all that. Even her own sister called her out once because she does treat me like that even in public.
>>34591456Does insulting make you feel powerful? You know nothing about my life, only what you read here. My mom lashed out and insulted me when I was a child too because she couldn't deal with her own problems, and now you will tell me it's somehow my fault too because apparently in your own fantasy World mothers are perfect. They are not, sure, they are human and make mistakes but broken people create broken people, all I am saying is I don't understand why she can't respect my boundaries when I ask her to because her actions caused me more problems than she wants to admit
>>34591519>ow you will tell me it's somehow my fault tooI never said that it was your fault. I'm saying you're creating problems that are not there. Your mom is a human, she is not perfect, she committed mistakes. So what? Things passed, instead of being a perpetual victim, crying about things that have passed, why don't you look into what's ahead? You won't ever be able to move away from that if you don't learn to forgive. I'm sorry if I offended you, but it's what you need to hear now.
>>34591539Thanks for the advice, yeah I needed to hear that but I won't lie the way you phrased your first two replies were pretty aggressive and with an arrogant tone which ends up being counterproductive because it feels unhelpfulYou can disagree with me obviously that's why I am posting here but calling me a piece of shit was unecessary This one seems honest so I do appreciate that you see my perspective even if you don't agree with it completely but yeah, I see your point I need to forgive her but I won't lie it pains me that she won't listen to my perspective and brushes off any of my attempts to open up and ideally have closure
>>34591436So why are you expecting her to be different now? Accept that that's the way she is and try to minimize friction until you can leave.
1/2>>34591585>I see your point I need to forgive her but I won't lie it pains me that she won't listen to my perspective and brushes off any of my attempts to open up and ideally have closureAlright, I apologize for insulting you earlier. I will put on my serious hat now.If you are expecting an apology from her, you are probably setting yourself up for disappointment. In many cases, people who have hurt others, especially family members, either do not recognize the harm they caused.Believe me, I've had my share of family problems as well. At some point, the healthiest thing you can do is accept that the past cannot be changed and focus on moving forward. That does not mean pretending nothing happened. It means refusing to let those experiences control the rest of your life.The best thing you can do is learn from it and strive to do better with your own children, if you choose to have them. None of us will be perfect parents. We will all make mistakes, and we will probably hurt our children in ways we never intended. The difference is that we can make a conscious effort to recognize our flaws, correct them, and avoid repeating the mistakes that were made with us. Hopefully, our children will one day understand that we were imperfect people doing our best, just as we try to understand the generations that came before us.As for your original question:>>34591420>Why is my mother like this?She behaved that way because that was the only model of parenting she had ever known. She was simply repeating what her own mother taught her, just as many parents who were raised through spanking come to believe that the only way to discipline or communicate with their children is through a good beating. People often inherit these patterns and never ponder over them.
2/2>>34591691Just like Jung said: if you do not deal with your shadows, you will condemn your children to live in them. What remains unconscious within us continues to shape our lives and the lives of those around us. Unresolved fears, traumas, and destructive habits rarely disappear on their own. More often than not, they are passed from one generation to the next.The best thing you can do is become aware of those shadows and work to overcome them. By doing so, you reduce their influence over your life and lessen the chances of passing them on to your children. No upbringing will ever be perfect, but every generation has the opportunity to improve upon the last. In the end, at the end of the day, all of this comes down to breaking the cycle.
OP is a woman, ask me how do I know.
>>34591691>>34591694Thank you Anon, I really mean it. I guess my main issue is finding a reason to keep moving forward because I agree, I need to forgive her and move on but where do I go? This dynamic is pretty much all I've ever known and even me leaving the country was directly tied with me trying to become independent from my parents so even during those years I was still haunted by them. So the lingering question would be: what do I do now? How do I find my purpose when my sense of identity has been denied for years?I say this because my father was volatile while I was growing up so I had to repress myself a lot not to make him angry and more of the same with my mom which taught me to be like her in order not to upset my dad. Which I logically get, I do understand why they acted that way logically but I have no idea what to do with my life because I had to put on masks upon masks since I can remember
1/2>>34591744>I have no idea what to do with my life because I had to put on masks upon masks since I can rememberI think you may be looking for purpose when the task in front of you is actually identity.You became very good at being what other people needed you to be, but you never got the chance to discover who you are. The masks themselves are not the enemy. We all wear masks. The problem begins when we mistake the mask for the person underneath it.>How do I find my purpose when my sense of identity has been denied for years?I would start with smaller questions. What do you genuinely enjoy when nobody is watching? What opinions do you keep hidden because they might upset someone? What interests did you abandon because they were mocked or discouraged? What kind of people make you feel more like yourself rather than less?You do not discover yourself in a single moment of revelation. You discover yourself through hundreds of small acts of honesty. You spent years learning who you had to be in order to survive. Now you have the opportunity to learn who you want to become. Become acquainted with yourself.>what do I do now?Your relationship with your parents seem to follow the same dynamics as to when you were a child. As children, we depend on our parents for survival. As adults, we have to psychologically separate from them. That does not necessarily mean cutting them off. It means learning to stop organizing our lives around their approval, moods, expectations, or fears.
2/2>>34591820Your father may still live in your mind long after he stops having authority over your life. Every time you silence yourself to avoid conflict, every time you hide your opinions, every time you ask yourself what would make him angry instead of what you actually think, he is still exercising influence over you. Stop carrying him inside your head.Your mother may never acknowledge the harm she caused. She may genuinely believe she was loving and protecting you. You do not need her agreement in order to understand your own experience. You do not need her confession in order to heal.The key here is not dramatic confrontations, but as cliche as it may sound, setting up boundaries. Not trying to convince them they were terrible parents, but boundaries. What does that mean? >If my mother won't let me do basic things, I will do them anyway.>No argument.>No debate.>No attempt to get her to understand.>Just consistent behavior.The same should be applied towards the relationship with your father. If there is confrontation, then the skill you need is not avoiding the conflict. But learning how to endure it and deescalate it. At some point you will probably have to disappoint your parents. There is no way around it. The question is whether you are willing to tolerate their disappointmentI need to get some sleep. My immune system is not great, and I am feeling sick. If you have any more questions, I will answer them when I'm feeling better.
>>34591820>>34591826That was beautifully put, I'm really grateful. I do need to give myself the time to look within and understand myself better in order to break the cycle and stop repeating the same mistakes.Thank you again Anon, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling unwell, I hope you recover soon. I don't know if it matters but I will pray for you, have a good night
