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Ok I think I have a question maybe you haven't heard before. If you can help me out and point me in the right direction it would be greatly appreciated, and if not you can at least laugh at American law enforcement and/or my retardation.

I think one of my employees is trying to kill me. It's a long story but I'll give you the gist of it and if you want details I can get to that later. Like a lot of people in my small town they buy meat with food stamps and then make beef jerky and turn it into cash, which I think is juuusst great. About 6 weeks ago our boss abruptly quit and couldn't have been more of an ass about it and I ended up holding the bag. I'm your new manager, anon the hated retard. My coworker, who LOVED her tyrant daddy had a meltdown about losing her only friend at the same time as I'm talking shit about what an ass he was and how he quit.

I've been trying to win her over. Cash bonus out of my own check, trying to get her a raise, offering to spread out my own raise over the rest of the department, buying a shit ton of her homemade beef jerky.

Enter the heart problems, sweats, breathing issues. I went to the police, they got mad that I thought they could test the meat, sent me to the Dept. of Health. They told me to eat more of the jerky and then go pay to get blood tests at the hospital. I said that was crazy so they directed me to poison control. Poison control told me to contact a private lab which I have not yet found.

So here I am. If you are given something you think is poisoned, you are supposed to eat it and then go get blood tests. I thought there was a place you could send it. What in the literal hell.
I can't make a police report because it would be public record and then everyone would know that a meat department has an employee who is being accused of poisoning meat, destroying my business. And they wouldn't test it anyway because that only happens on Star Trek.

Help. How do I get this shit tested.