How should I handle a friendship with a trans person as someone who just doesn't understand all this stuff?I formed a metal band with someone I met on the internet who loves a super-mega niche subgenre and is also skilled at it, it's a dream come true because I've never even met a fellow fan of this subculture and also happens to share a ton of interests.The only asterisk is that she's a girl, goes by a female name, talks like a girl, wears makeup, has flowing long hair, wears women's clothes, is obsessed with hot guys, but she says she was born female but is trans and identifies as a gay man.The only effort to appear male is an awkwardly forced low voice that sometimes gives way to her natural squeaky voice.I truly don't get it, but this is the coolest, most interesting, and most talented person I've met in this city and I absolutely don't want to ruin this friendship and this chance to be in a band that makes music I actually love.I call her "he" and "him" out of courtesy, but I feel very guilty because she probably thinks I actually believe she's a dude, when I really don't.If I were to be asked about it, should I be honest about the fact that I don't really get it or just let the elephant stay in the room?As said, I don't mind saying he/him, but she might be truly thinking that I have zero questions about this and in my principles that's as bad as lying to someone.I really don't know and as a normie I find myself in uncharted territory.Thank you in advance.
>>34598741You're pretty much ethically obligated to reject it outright, and tell her why it's offensive and doesn't make sense. Not only for her sake, but also for the sake of the people she's harming with her ideology. There's no such thing as a friendship built on dishonesty and immorality, so if she refuses to talk to you afterwards you wouldn't have lost anything that you actually had. You'd be better off trying to meet people who are good, rather than people who are "fun" and "cool", so that you can avoid these kinds of situations in the future. You cannot be friends with a dishonest person who puts their delusions before reality, because by definition that person is always putting themselves before you and your well-being.
>>34598741Your mistake is assuming that there is anything to get. This person doesn't need your understanding, merely your respect. If they prefer to be called "he" then call them "he". Otherwise there's no need for the subject ever to come up. They are who they are: your friend. Nothing else matters.
>>34598758That implies that you would totally go along with it and be supportive if one of your white friends started wearing blackface and insisted that he speaks for the black community.
>>34598766No, it doesn't imply that at all. Troll harder.
>>34598778It absolutely does. I'm telling you as a gay man. It's the same. A woman claiming to represent me in that way is equally offensive.
>>34598741>I don't mind saying he/himWhy would you mind? When I was at university, I knew a woman named Catherine. She was happy to be called Cathy, but for some reason couldn't stand being called Cath. I've no idea why being called Cath bugged her; but I didn't need to understand why it did, all I needed to know was that she preferred to be called Cathy. So that's what I called her. Calling her Cath all the time when I knew she didn't like it would simply have been me being a dick for no good reason. Using someone's preferred pronouns is exactly like that: you don't need to understand why someone likes to be called one thing and doesn't like being called something else, you just need to know that they do, and not be a dick about it. And clearly you get that, which is good! But the same applies to pretty much any other aspect of this: you don't need to understand it, you just need to respect it. It's not likely your friend will ever ask you about it, but if they do, all you need to do is say that. "Well, I'm a cis man, so clearly as I haven't the faintest idea what being a trans man is like, but I don't need to understand something in order to respect it."That's all that's required on your part: just treat them like a human being, and don't be a dick. Nothing else is needed. So, relax!
>>34598787>I'm telling you as a gay manNo, you aren't. You're just trolling. Troll elsewhere.
>>34598808>dismissing the victim because they're inconvenient to your personal politicsThis is exactly why this behavior is harmful and damaging. You're exactly like the "white saviors" that Malcolm X talked about. You abuse minorities for the sake of your political message, then stomp all over us with your jackboots the moment we try to speak for ourselves. You do the same thing to detransitioners, too, claiming that they don't exist and that any of them who speak out against the ideology that hurt them must be doing so insincerely. You are quite possibly the most evil kind of person in existence, right up there with murderers and rapists.
>>34598805>Using someone's preferred pronouns is exactly like thatNo, it's not. Avoiding calling somebody a nickname they dislike is not even remotely similar to indulging in someone's homophobic fantasy that has real world ramifications and hurts people.
>>34598741I get it. The only IRL experience I had with this was at work, when a regular client was clearly a woman, had a woman voice and build, but insisted on saying she was a man, even getting to the point of legally changing her original name and all. She was very polite and nice, and I didn't want to upset her, so I called her with male pronouns out of courtesy, although I sometimes legit forgot out of habit.I personally think this whole trans thing is just fantasy, but I do try to respect it when I'm with the person if they are decent, since I don't want to upset them. Since you are friends with her, I recommend you do the same. just roll with it and try to ignore it.
>>34598819terrible advice. you're essentially throwing out their long term wellbeing for the sake of your short term social comfort. if you were actually empathetic, you would prioritize them and not yourself, meaning you would refuse to play along with their delusions for the same reason you'd refuse to tell a schizophrenic that you agree the government is probably spying on them. you're actually killing these people when you go along with their fantasies.
>>34598822Deep down I agree with you, but I guess it's just not worth to risk an altercation over it.Maybe they'll grow out of it with time. But I do feel like I'm being dishonest with them and myself.Being too harsh might have several bad consequences, like them reinforcing their views even more just out of anger (thus possibly making things worse for them), or getting into a heated discussion and making people swarm in, them suing you (depending where you live), losing a friendship, etc.
>>34598841you don't have to be rude or confrontational to just politely refuse to play along. if they were to create a scene or try to leverage the legal system against you, that kind of reinforces how absolutely important it is for you to stand your ground. bowing down and making way for that sort of behavior is exactly what propagates that kind of behavior and gives it room to fester and grow in society. "maybe if we just nod and smile and hope it goes away" is the reason why it has gotten to this point in the first place. the fact that legal repercussions are even on the table ought to be a wake up call. also, you can never lose a real friendship because of something like this because there's no such thing as a true friendship that's predicated on insanity.
>>34598741If I care about him then I will treat him how he needs me to be with him. If ftm I'll ask what his needs are. Pronouns and anything else. If he wants to be treated like a dude friend then I'll be that with him Sun
>>34598805>I've no idea why being called Cath bugged herToo close to catheter.
>>34598741Pretty much what >>34598746 says. If you keep everything as is, there's a VERY high chance of this delusion getting outta hand, and this leading to a slow, painful degradation of your relationship with her. If you like her, be it as a friend or as a romantic interest, you should either try and help her change and grow as a person, or just cut her off before the inevitable degradation of a relationship built on lies and delusions.I wish you the best OP.
>>34600941I would but want to lose something that is so rare and that I love about him desu
>>34598741Drop them
>>34598741It seems like you think this person is interesting and love being around them:>I formed a metal band with someone I met on the internet who loves a super-mega niche subgenre and is also skilled at it, it's a dream come true because I've never even met a fellow fan of this subculture and also happens to share a ton of interests.>I truly don't get it, but this is the coolest, most interesting, and most talented person I've met in this city and I absolutely don't want to ruin this friendship and this chance to be in a band that makes music I actually love.Sounds like this is literally the most interesting person you've ever met in your life, and your friendship with them is very rewarding.If that's the case, why ruin your friendship by making this an issue? You've found someone who is interesting, AND fun to be around, AND talented, AND into the same niche stuff as you, AND interested in being your friend. It's very unlikely you'll find someone else who meets the same criteria if you fuck this up. You are very lucky to have found such a good friend. I wouldn't even consider fucking up the friendship by raising this issue. Also, one last super important word of advice: Every friend you're going to make in your entire life will have one or two issues, because no person in this world is perfect. When choosing friends, you should not look for people with no issues, but instead people with easy-to-overcome issues. I would say you're super fortunate to have found a good friend with such an easy-to-overcome issue.
>>34598808I'm telling you as another gay man, vagina is fucking repulsive to us. No actual gay guy wants to fuck a cuntboy, nor genuinely acknowledges them as being male. The one's that do are just virtue signaling bisexuals in disguise.
