Ive fantasized about and wished for myself to be dead since at least late middle school. The amount of suicide notes Ive written and thrown away and the amount of times I had it in my head that today was my last day on earth before I either shoot myself or jump off a ledge is too many to count at this point, and even now I am filled with so much regret for not doing it when I had the chance. One of the closest times to it was somewhere around 5 years ago, I stole a handgun from my dad. I drove out in the middle of the night without saying anything to anyone, had no note prepared, and drove to a church in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania. I wanted to visit the grave of my great grandmother, who I felt like I was always disrespectful towards as a young child by just never wanting to spend time with her despite her very old age, but when I got there I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. To be honest I didn't even know which gravestone would be hers anyways and I know that I wouldn't find it in the midnight darkness but I couldn't admit it to myself that I wouldn't find her but that I also wouldn't even get out of the car to try until I was already there. I loaded the gun Then I just sat there staring at it. There was nobody else there in my head. No thoughts of my friends or family. No consideration for them at all. For the first time in a long time, it was really, truely, quiet. And I got scared. I was scared of what the experience of the pain would be like or what the sensation of your literal consciousness being torn apart would be like in the moments before death, and I panicked. I called my friends and told them what I almost did, and I was taken to a psychiatric hospital when they told my parents. Today the biggest regret I have is not killing myself right there and then. My life has only ever gotten worse since, and I have no reason to ever think it's going to get better.(i cant fit all this shit into one comment hold on)
I was and still am a complete failure of a person. I never had any talents, no skills, no ambitions or dreams to speak of. I have never even for a moment in my life had a long term goal that I truly wanted for myself. I just don't want any of this. I have the most useless college degree that I didn't even want. One day I decided that I was either going to kill myself that night or find a way to escape reality and I chose to run away from home to college and it was the biggest waste of my whole life. It was for this stupid fucking art degree that I’ll never get anything out of from a non-accredited college which means even if I had any support left to go back to college for something it won't do me any good in the slightest. I was never even good at it there, and I had no passion for it. I somewhat enjoyed the people I was around but theyre all gone now. I havent spoken to my friends for what feels like years now, partially because I'm constantly on the verge of killing myself every day and I think it would be easier on them if I had left a long time ago and to let them forget about me so the news doesn't hurt as much, and also because I know that I’m not welcome back after having just left without reason. I used up all their goodwill. They had such high hopes for me, and I wasted them. I keep running from everything and theyre sick of it. I don't want to work again, I have no reason to want success or money or to spend every day at some entry level job that would just suck my soul from my body every day dealing with the worst people on the planet again.
No matter where I go or who I surround myself with I’m just going to end up in the same place with no hope for anything. I don’t want to work I don’t want to do things I don’t want to live or anything. I have no passions and no love for friends or family in me, I have no reasons to keep going. All of my friends are gone and moved on. I don’t want any of this and I don’t even want to be better I just wish I had the guts to kill myself. Every day the world is getting worse and there’s nothing I can do about it and I have nothing I could even hope to do to make myself better. I hate going out to places, I hate talking to people, I hate being around people, I’m so full of shame for who I am and I’ve just become a miserable person to even be around. I’m grating on everyone around me because I’m always so fucking depressed. I hate everything about needing to be alive and I’m just becoming bitter and terrible and I hate myself for it.Professional help is worse than you could ever imagine. There's no actual help being done. It's all just for the lowest common denominator. Its being isolated from the world and told shit like "communication is good" and "find ways to lessen the stress in your life" like its not the most basic common sense concepts that have never helped no matter how hard I tried. I have no issues with anger or lashing out at people, I constantly hope that I was a good person to other and if I think I was rude at all I spiral over it which is such a horrible way to live when I have to be on eggshells around everyone I know or else I punish myself for it.
I don't want to live because there's no point in it. There's no goals for me to reach, there's no purpose in it, and every day it's just getting worse. There's the most amount of corruption in history, there's people being killed in genocides that the rest of the world just doesn't want to stop, the people are so unkind, and I am just so fucking alone. I realized though that even if the world was a better place, I wouldn't be happy either. Id still be me, Id still be miserable, I’d still hate myself, Id still be this pathetic piece of shit who can't hold a job and can't go two days without breaking down.I bought a gun, and Ive had it on my head so many times now but I've been too much of a coward to pull the trigger. I've gone out in the middle of the night with the intention of killing myself but I just cant pull the trigger each and every time that I try. I've tried with pills, and I've been able to down them so much easier than this. I just want a way to die that wont have me face the idea of my consciousness being literally torn apart and losing any good memories I had in that instant. I know it doesnt make sense, I know its a fucking cowardly thing to ask but just want to know how I can do it by either knocking myself unconscious or with some drug or something that can kill me with enough time to finally have all the noise in my head to finally stop and have nothing else but to be eagerly waiting for my death to come even if it makes me violently sick the whole time until I'm gone. Please I am begging for someone to just tell me what to buy or what to take anything at all I am so desperate to get out of this.
Practice tranquil wisdom insight meditation, study Adyashanti and Actualism (actual freedom)
I wish I had some advice to give, but I don't. I've been wanting to kill myself too because of my shit health and mental health, and lack of money. I too feel like there's nothing to live for.
I don’t know if this helps, but I’m going to try.Don’t take this as me talking down on you or something like that.It probably won’t get better as in waking up one day and feeling happy. The only thing you can do is to try to get away from your negative feelings. This will be a fight and you will have to fight it everyday anew. You can do this by getting physically active. Running, lifting weights, chopping wood, swimming, anything physical. You will have to do something physical everyday. And you will have to detach yourself from consuming negative topics like the news. Detach yourself from this. Focus on yourself. That’s the only thing you can influence. Then you should find an additional activity that you can enjoy (in the best case) or tolerate, like reading novels, playing video games, painting. Something to keep your mind occupied and detached from negative emotions. Prepare your own food. Cook for yourself every day. Try any recipes you want. It will probably suck a lot in the beginning, but trust me. Chop vegetables and cook. Try to enjoy the act of preparation and eating. For work I would recommend something physical as well, like a warehouse job or something like that.Contemplating death seems to have had a positive effect on you. So, I would recommend thinking and remembering often the good and joyful moments you were able to experience. Maybe even daily before bed: try to think about what was good about the day, even if it’s just a tiny moment.What all that said i wish you a strong heart and will. You can overcome this. Go one day after the other. Always focus on today. That counts.I wish you the best, anon.Keep fighting.
In my country there are no guns and drugs are highly regulated. I think many ways, but it is dificult. I hanged myself a few days ago, and I had "lucky". They threatened to never let me leave the hospital if I did it again. That place is like a prison, but without gim.That hurt a lot. I had red eyes now, I can't lift one arm and I went several days without being able to swallow solid food.If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I'll try to give some advice.I wanna die because i suffer every day and I can't fix what makes me suffer. But I know what I would like to do if I could, or if I were starting from scratch.I don't believe there is anything after death, but if after dying I had to start all over again, I know what I would like to do. That doesn't seem to be your case. You should think about what you would like to do if you were able to do everything and started from scratch. When you know, you'll be ready to die, but you'll also be ready to keep living and try it.It's easier to achieve a goal if you're willing to die for it. If you're willing to die for nothing, the choice is more than obvious.
I dont know how to show that im the OP as im new to this site but no there is no help coming for me. I dont want to be better anymore. I have so many loans in default, my parents kicked me out because they were too scared of me killing myself in their home (yes thats the actual fucking reason), I cant find work even with a degree no matter how hard I try. I have nothing to look forwards to. I have nothing to try and fight for. I have no genuine beliefs to fight for or a bigger picture of anything to find a reason to keep going. I just want to die. Its all ive wanted for more than a decade and now everything is gone and Im so alone and about to be homeless when the person im staying with kicks me out soon. I have nothing to hold onto and nothing that can convince me to keep going. I tried for so many years but I just kept fucking up my own life. I dont want to start over. I dont want to find a happy life. I just want to kill myself thats all I want
>>34602536Sorry op. I feel the same way.
>>34602536if you're considering something with such permanent ramifications as suicide then why dont you just explore some new stuff you havent tried yet? take medication, see a therapist, what can it hurt? you're gonna die anyway. nothing can hurt you more than that.give yourself up to soulless consumerism. become an automaton at work and use your paychecka as selfishly as possible. you dont need savings, youre gonna die anyway.drink more, do more drugs, have casual sex with people you dont know. any amount of emotional or physical anxiety you experience with these things cant possibly hurt you any more than death. if you have the courage to kill yourself then you have the courage to do everything you ever thought you couldnt do. why not try that first?
>>34602791When I said "starting from scratch", I meant "reincarnation". What would you do if your "punishment" for committing suicide was to be reincarnated? Could you enjoy life if you started from scratch? What would you do?
I have gone through so much therapy including inpatent services already and even several different places in the last year alone. I never wanted to drink or smoke because everyone I knew who did always ended up being just bad people. I dont want to find relationships with people because I dont want to subject them to my constant misery and even if I did Im so fucking inept that I dont even know how to make friends letalone try to hookup with someone. I tried to be a good person and I failed at even that. "Just sleep with more people and do drugs" is so far out of left field for advice man. I dont know anyone, I dont talk to people, I dont want to be around people, Im too terrified of everyone I meet to even have a conversation. Im too much a fucking loser to ever try to do something and using other people for self satisfaction is so selfish and evil that I couldnt even if I had the opportunity. I can drag someone else into this fucking awful life of mine I cant do that to someone else I dont want to hurt people like that
If I was reincarnated I just hope that I wouldnt remember any of this. I cant even begin to conceptualize living a life that means anything. If I could be anyone else at all even if they were in such a worse place in the world or in a terrible family I still would take it because maybe they might have a reason to try and make something of their life. I hope they would be happy since I know that I cant ever be
>>34602852Are you autistic? If you are autistic, a psychologist specializing in autism might be able to help you with everything you've mentioned, and more. It could even help you find a job better suited to your needs.
>>34602852I’m the anon with all the practical advice.Don’t listen to reckless recommendations. But this anon has a point in you already standing on the edge. In a way you are free to do what you want. You can start anew. But only you can do this. You have to will it, or it won’t work. Consider at least that you came here and made your posts. You’ve told total strangers how you feel. I don’t know you and I don’t know why you feel like this (and I don’t need to know). But you sharing your suffering takes courage as well. I appreciate you for being so open.
im not autistic im just a fucking loser. i think that im going to wait until the end of the month. Im turning 25 and then once thats over im probably going to end it out by the lake near where im staying. I kept going there in the middle of the night a few months ago with the gun and I kept trying to do it but I just couldnt. I tried drinking once and took a bunch of cans there to see if it would make it easier but it didnt work. I got hospitalized again after but I never told anyone I had the gun and that was one of the most traumatic things I ever experienced in my life, the whole thing was a nightmare where I was locked away for a week with people that were even more insane than the other times ive been inpatent. Nobody came to talk to me, they never prescribed new meds or anything. I think that knowing theres nothing left to try, even though I did, I really did, I even tried college and that was the worst mistake of my life, I tried reaching out to friends and they left me when they realized how sad of a person I am, I tried telling my parents and they kicked me out and took me off of their insurance and removed me from the phone plan and everything just to tell me to "make my own way in thw world" and now over half a year later I cant even find an entry level job to take me and all of my friends left me. I tried for so long I tried to do something but I cant do it anymore I just need to get out of this I dont have a choice anymore I fucked everything in my life up so bad theres no hope anymore for me
>>34602965Ok, let me propose something radical. Find the nearest Catholic Church and talk to a priest about the nearest monastery. Then you go there for a week and live with the monks.You don’t have to believe in god, just go there.At most monasteries it is possible to stay for some time and live with the monks.Try this.
>>34602543>I was and still am a complete failure of a person.Let me put this bluntly: you are far, far too much of a failure ever to be capable of killing yourself. Suicide takes strength; strength you don't have. It should be blindingly obvious to you by now that you will never be able to go through with it. No matter how desperate you may be to die, it is not an option for you, and it never will be; and sooner or later you are going to have to accept that fact, and start trying to find ways to make continued existence a little more tolerable.
>>34602536that's a lot of typing and not enough self deleting
