>>34608706
Try couple therapy

>>34608706
Divorce is pretty damn bad, especially when there are kids involved. At least try couples therapy before you bring up divorce

you have to realize that some issues are just from the environment/stress and not each others fault (which you already do) and behave accordingly. to control your temper. It gets better once the kid goes to kindergarten/school and you have some time for yourselves again. but you need to learn to respect each other and not use as an emotional punching bag again.

I can't really help with details, it's more about self control and seeing value in your better half and the concept of marriage, working towards a common goal rather than just being stubborn and feeling right about how something should be done

Absolutely agree about therapy. She may have postpartum anxiety/depression. Professional therapy/support groups for her. You continue supporting her - help ease burdens off of her, do things to help her relax/feel special. Becoming a parent is an incredibly stressful time. Give her some space to just be herself, not a mom/wife.

I'm going through a similar situation but we have 3 kids and my husband is abusive (verbally/sexually, emotional abandonment, anger problems).

Divorce depends entirely on your state. Where I am, we are looking at months of divorce proceedings - alternating custody every other weekend. Half of assets, spousal support, and child support.

You have a toddler. That's barely out of the baby stage.

>>34608791
I wonder if you guys had a separation period, if you can afford living separately for a time.

Depending on how bad your anger was before treatment, she may need to process some of that trauma. You guys continuing to fight is breaking trust, causing her to need more time to forgive the past. She probably wants reliability, sustained periods without major conflict, and reasonable tools to get through conflict that's inevitable (couples therapy can help)

Good luck to you and your wife!

>>34608706
>She refuses to have more kids
Given what happened after the last one, you should be ashamed of yourself for even suggesting that she should. I'm not surprised she's acting cold.

>>34608706
My dad had anger issues and my mom divorcing him was one of the great things that happened to me. I hope she finds a guy who treats her and your son well. She waited too long hoping he would change and it fucked up her life.

>>34608721
>>34608744
If we ever go then we will both know that it is the absolute last resort because we both believe that if we can’t figure it out on our own then we shouldn’t be together. If it comes to it then that’s what we do but i will essentially consider us divorced by that point.
>>34608781
thats the thing my temper has been under control coming on two years. she occasionally gives me credit for it but her problem is that she can’t get over the trauma from it which was emphasized by being postpartum. it wasn’t easy for her and i didn’t make it any better.
the problem is more so that our goals have shifted. we always talked about a big family but now she doesn’t really want anymore until her head is right. she said she needed time and i’ve given her 2 years but now i’m getting impatient about a second child and she wants nothing to do with it.
>>34608791
I have supported best i could since well talked years ago about my anger and how she was feeling. i am not fucking around when i say i have been the best husband and father and it’s been a fundamental change that of behavior that i can’t really return to. i still get angry and frustrated (almost entirely due to work) but now i’ve been totally stress free especially for the past year since i’ve backed off of work. I try to give her time regularly but she doesn’t take it sometimes like i get her a free massage coupon but she doesn’t always go and not because she doesn’t trust me but more because she has all of this stress from being separated from the baby.

>>34608706
if you still love her and dont completely hate being around her i think you should do >>34608721 and fuck your stupid "we can do it alone" bullshit. this is about your kid too. divorce at a young age can really affect a child far into the future. do you want to look at your kid 20 years down the line when they're suffering and maladjusted and say "we didnt try therapy because we thought we knew better"? you owe it to your marriage, each other, and the kid to try anything available to make it work.
if you actually try to get professional help and it still doesnt work out, at least you can say you tried.

>>34609982
>i’m getting impatient
That impatience is clearly showing, the more impatient you are the more she'll feel cornered. You two really need couples therapy. With any conflict of interest it often take a fresh pair of eyes, new perspective, and someone who's not intimately connected to the situation to resolve it. Like how if there are peace talks in a war, it always happens in a third country.

When the plumbing fucks up or when your car breaks down, you can do some DIY, but sometimes you just need to call a plumber/mechanic out. You don't scrap the whole house or car just because you can't fix it yourself. Relationships are the same.

>>34608706
She is being a dumb bitch.

What specific behaviors did you do to give her such a trauma response?

She's probably just waiting for the rage to return so she can give herself permission to leave you. She's probably fallen out of love with you and you're giving her nothing but coldness in return.

What did you do for her on Mother's Day?

>>34608706
try cheating on her
im serious
you'll stop thinking about her as much
there's also two outcomes
you find a better girl
or you don't, and realize your wife ain't that bad
eithwer way, it's a good thing

>>34609982
>the problem is more so that our goals have shifted. we always talked about a big family but now she doesn’t really want anymore until her head is right. she said she needed time and i’ve given her 2 years but now i’m getting impatient about a second child and she wants nothing to do with it.

my wife's opinion also changed once she started taking care of the kids - but my wife is full time employed and her parents can only come from China to help only for around 2x3months per year, not permanently. So both kindergarten kids naturally have stressed her out a lot.

If your goal of a big family is about passing genes on and feeling like a winner in terms of darwinism, I suggest you think about your philosophy a bit. once you are dead, "you" will not exist anymore. whatever you did in the past will be meaningless. "your" children might be anybody's children. For me, raising children only makes sense when this improves life on Earth in general. when they live a good life and don't hurt the environment and other people and animals too much. What good are more humans if they turn out to be bad?

>>34610023
No I am totally against therapy in every way. I’m in a tough business and I’m a private guy, I refuse therapy and I can’t afford to air out my dirty laundry in that way. In my mind, my marriage is over if we had to go to therapy to fix it.
>>34610221
I don’t mean to be difficult but I do my own housework and take care of everything. This is my mindset. I would consider it if my wife asks me but she is similar.
>>34611404
No this is mostly all wrong in a near opposite sense. I told her to leave me and to take all of my money as i don’t care about it. She refused, i insisted she was cheating on me due to her lack of affection towards me, she totally refused it after i said i don’t care and that she can take all of my money still. I told her i think she hates me and she cried and said she still loves me she’s just nervous that i will go into a rage.
what stems from it all is a long work project i was one where my child was born and i had two weeks with my family then went back to work as it was the start of my big project. i worked left home at 5 and didnt come home until 6-8 usually. when i was home i was short tempered and angry. i punched a few holes in walls but my anger was entirely on from the project. my wife just soaked that all in for the duration of the project (first 3 months of our child’s existence) and it was terrible for both of us. i missed out on everything with my child and the project was stressful/demanding and my wife basically didn’t see and had zero help from me for 3 months. from this every bad thing in our relationship stems.

>>34611489
No i don’t care about sex. I Love the Lord and want legitimate children with my wife. I have thought about if we do divorce how fucking awful it will be to try to fill my wife’s shoes. It won’t be done. She is the best (except for this right now), no one understands me or ever could as good as she does and vice versa. sure banging some hot younger chick who wants to be around me and fuck me sounds good but i don’t want to have to immerse myself in that lifestyle again. i need a wife and a mother and they’re in short supply and i have one of the best right now.
>>34611559
wtf?? i don’t care about any of that. i had a nice big God fearing family when I grew up and i want the same for my children. that is how my family (as well as my wife’s family) is and always has been so i want to do the same. we all work, don’t drink much or do drugs and see each other daily. i want this to continue.

>>34612073
Man, I wish my husband would verbalize/show me with his supportive actions

Does your wife do community church events - get out and socialize with moms, do playdates?

Definitely dont punch any more holes in the wall...how old are you?? Making her feel safe should be a priority above your marriage. She's the mother of your child. Do you want your offspring being raised by a hypervigilant, stressed out, cold woman?

>>34613658
you should speak to him about that. my wife did early on but i was just so tired from work and i gained weight. then she told me she needs help and i did a total 180
>socialize
yes she gets out regularly with friends and former colleagues. we have many friends with children of similar age. i wish she would get out more but it gets easier as they grow up.
>how old
i’m in my 30s. i have really come a long way in controlling my anger more and i have her to thank for it but it seems as i get better she gets worse. i work with my hands and do chores at home all day some i’m constantly hurting myself and when i do i bang on something harder than usual and it freaks her out. i try to control but the most i do are really just knee jerk reactions. prior to just this i was actually angry and full of rage now im calm and my life has been so much better.
> Do you want your offspring being raised by a hypervigilant, stressed out, cold woman?
absolutely not but like i said i truly have done a 180 and the most i do is slap my hand on the counter if i stub my toe and she just shuts down for a bit. i get it based on how i was but ive objectively been better for 2 years and i really just want her to get over this so we can enjoy our lives together.

>>34613698
I did tell him but he took it like all the things he does for me goes unnoticed/ unappreciated. He got defensive, probably felt demasculated/insulted. I told him I needed help but it was more of a suggestion of how to manage my ruminating thoughts that he doesnt love me. I didnt even realize his anger was triggering trauma I'd never dealt with. Couldn't really figure that part out until I wasn't living in that situation anymore.

Does your wife have nice parents or did they have anger problems?

>>34613731
So you’re split up now? any kids?

>parents
yes, i know it is from this her parents are great now but her father had issues which is where this all stems from of course.

>>34613791
It's always the parents. ...I hate boomers.

Yeah we have 3 kids. Im not giving up on the marriage but my mental state needs some restoration and separation was the only way. At least I thought so. Turns out he would have done therapy afterall. I never suggested it again because it was shut down a few years ago (similar reasons to yours)

I left with the kids without saying anything. I hope your wife doesnt do that but if she does, that's your opportunity to give her space and let her come back on her own. Don't let your anger/shock take over.

Have you guys actually talked about divorce yet or just the vibe feels inevitable?

Feelings change, she's still a new mom. She may want more kids later, or she might not. You have to decide if that's a deal breaker.

>>34613810
did your husband ever get better at all or was he continually getting worse?

>leave with the kids
she would have no reason to at least as far as me causing her to through rage. We have talked about divorce a little bit starting a year ago and just know it would be unbearable for both i of us until we are at an impasse. We had a good honest conversation and she let me know she still gets nervous with loud noises which i understand but i also expressed how things aren’t getting any better with her mental state despite my radical change. what it really is is that i broke that trust barrier and it’s tough to reestablish that level of trust again. i wouldn’t care if it weren’t for my desire to have more children. we are getting older and we are running out of time.

She does want kids but she just isn’t ready yet but she’s been saying this for two years so i’m starting to express my feelings in that i have kept up my end of the bargain perse and i just feel hopeless now that no matter what i do, nothing will matter. i don’t want our child to grow up without a sibling.

>>34613837
I think he did get better, for a time, but I wasn't able to shift my thinking/change my behavior. He crossed a line and I got the validation I needed to just bail. I'd been miserable for a long time. Being emotional/too verbal about the wrong stupid shit. Im a carer by trade and I couldn't even take care of myself.

Just hang in there. Maybe you guys need a vacation?

>>34613847
Yeah my wife is similar. She can’t change what is an innate reaction for her. I know she isn’t going anywhere and i know we both want to make this work.
>vacation
only time can really fix it at this point if it can even be fixed. we are really just at a standstill right now and there really is no resolving it until one of us gives in to the other or we go our own way which hopefully isn’t the end result. I told her that i am feeling building resentment towards her for this which i feel terrible about but thought it was good to be honest. I have a say to and if our goals don’t align that’s kind of it. As much as i cherish and love her, building a large loving family is more important to me. I know that’s selfish but i can’t help but feel this way and the damage it will do to everyone especially our child. i just know that i will never forgive her for robbing me of my family. i should preface we’ve been together 10 years now and have always talked about our mutual desire for a big family. i’m just praying for the only good outcome out of all of this.

>>34613868
We didnt have that history. We met in our 30s and both wanted kids so we didn't waste time. He built resentments for my emotional state during pregnancy/postpartum. I felt abandoned and grew resentments too. I wish I could take all the responsibilities for the problems because then it would mean it's fixable and it will all work out. It's a 2-way street and one person only making the changes isnt going to be enough.

You can do everything right, be the best husband and it won't be your fault.

I'm not sure if this is something that you can fix on your own. If not therapy can you talk to an uninterested 3rd party to just sorta get some common ground/direct the conversation constructively?

>>34613881
>you can do everything right and it still may not work out
Yeah pretty much how i’m feeling. It’s tough when the other person just seems to not be working with you at all. The hard part is knowing you are doing everything in your power to make it work. That’s why i asked my wife if she hated me or if there was anything other that was wrong or if she was over it all. It’s confusing and doesn’t make the most sense but that’s to be expected.

>therapy
if she suggests it i would reluctantly go and to be honest i wouldnt be ok with it. Just the thought of telling a stranger our most personal details like this especially when our situation is relatively simple to solve or already solved in a way.

She is the hold up and she does recognize that which i appreciate but her inability to reconcile this is making me go crazy. I don’t know what else i can do i’m just at such a loss.

>>34612073
>need a wife and a mother and they’re in short supply and i have one of the best right now.
have you ever thought about how women think
having that air that you're cheating on her will finally get through her skull that oh shit
she's messing up
i have to change or hell leave me
you've given her a bit too much security

>>34614187
There is some truth to this. While we dated she knew i would never cheat but knew i would have an easy time if i ever did and it caused her to be insecure there for a while almost in a good way where it kept us both in check in a weird way where she was always trying to keep me happy and she’s a catch so i was always trying to prove my loyalty to her. being married now with a child i wouldn’t really condone this kind of thing as it seems ethically fucked obviously.

i don’t think i need to do this exactly or at least not in such a direct way as she knows. I gave her an idea of like a not so distant in the future ultimatum that may come from me that if things don’t change then i might leave. this is how im trying to get that message across like i changed and now i need you to change and if you don’t then i have no choice but to leave

>>34613906
It's me again. I dont even know if I'm going to be able to totally forgive him for the past. I really want to but there's something the body has to reconcile with the brain. Although my situation is in a worse situation (sexual degradation, manipulative behaviors, plus anger) it's still a lot to rectify. I guess my point is that she may desperately want to move forward but the body/nervous system is keeping her in that fight/flight. Biologically she's wired to protect the child you have together. If her values align with yours (wants to keep family unit together, theoretically wants larger family) then you just have to be patient and show her with time that you're not a threat.

What did your wife say to you that made you realize you had to change? It's probably too late for us. I realize we were feeding eachother what fueled negative behaviors (anger, withdrawal, resentment)

Can you leave the house for a week? Framed as a reset for her emotional wellbeing? Maybe not a complete absence (return for parenting duties)

>>34608706
the merit of a relationship is tested by hardship and you've failed with flying colors, congrats. i'm sure she may have more kids someday - just not with you.

>>34609328
my first thought
I'd divorce that idiot immediately if I was her, lol

>>34609982
>trying to have a baby with you has turned out to be profoundly traumatic for her
>demand she has a second baby with you, now that you're not so stressed anymore since the baby is slightly older
>totally ignoring that she's obviously still very much stressed out and that having another baby would be even worse than the first time around since now there's also a toddler on top of a newborn and the stress would be at least twice as bad as the first time
>OMG WHY DOESN'T SHE LET ME IMPREGNATE HER AGAIN, SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO HAVE LOTS OF BABIES BEFORE SHE REALIZED HOW TRAUMATIC IT WOULD BE TO TRY AND HAVE A BABY WITH ME
>fucking women always changing their mind baka
lol

>>34614349
Not going to defend OP but if we are to take him at his word and believe that he's changed his anger problems then his failure isn't the reason the marriage failed. Men are angry beasts, women do like the strong/protector role but dont like when the anger is directed towards them it's not healthy. Especially if her dad had anger problems she probably internalizes the conflict which lowers her threshold - making her more prone to anger/emotional outbursts. Plus she's still a new mom.

Not saying it's all the wife's fault, nor is it OP. Yeah he could have resolved his anger issues before kids but that's irrelevant because the stress of parenting brings out the worst in people. Newborns/infants/ toddlers are just tough, no getting around that.

>>34608706
>How bad is divorce

Better than being together with someone who sucks. End of story.

>>34609328
>>34614356
>>34609335
Femcels who can’t take accountability and shouldn’t have kids

>>34614349
Also Femcel who can’t take accountability and shouldn’t have kids

>>34614335
Yeah you summed it up pretty good. I will continue to be patient of course.
>what did your wife say?
She just told me I had to stop and threatened to leave once. She bottles stuff up so it came out of nowhere for me. I obviously didn’t realize what a terror i was being.
>too late for us
It’s only too late once you think that. My wife and I were never that toxic couple but this isn’t our first “it’s over” talk. You both just have to want it is all so you know yourself and you know him enough to determine if he does too.
>leave the house?
No more time apart is terrible for us. I’m already away so long at work that’s part of our problem is that i’m gone. There is nothing to really get away from. we don’t hate or resent each other and life just goes on as usual with a little tension in the air. I haven’t raged out in 2 years. The most i genuinely do is like punch my desk once because of a bad call from work or drop my weights too hard on the ground when i’m working out.
>>34614366
this. not going to warrant a response to retards itt. Just to add the anger was never directed towards her.

>>34614590
Can you take some vacation time from work to just stay home? Maybe more time together at home, ask her what projects would help make her life easier? Some shelves to organize toys so she can easily rotate them, a kitchen upgrade, make the house more cozy.

The home is supposed to be a safe haven and a shield to protect us from the turmoil outside.

>>34608706
Keep your commitment and let her act like the bad guy/woman. Who wants to take dad away or make life a bigger pain in the ass.

>>34608706
Maybe some Progest-E would help. Or therapy.

Have you sincerely apologized?

>>34608706
Honestly you should meditate, work up to an hour a day, I say this because you will seem like a peaceful new person u will have so much time and room to breath before you act life will seem to move in slow motion

>>34612038
>No I am totally against therapy in every way. I’m in a tough business and I’m a private guy, I refuse therapy and I can’t afford to air out my dirty laundry in that way. In my mind, my marriage is over if we had to go to therapy to fix it.
That's absoluteky retarded especially since you're not refusing it because you think it would make things worse but rather because of an ego thing

>>34614604
I already have organized some time to take off work like 3 weeks ago just to stay at home for a week stress free. I spoke to my wife and she actually admitted that she is being unreasonable and apologized to me. She said she is just not up for another child yet and has been using my past anger issues as a crutch to keep me at bay. It’s whatever i don’t really care she says she has trouble with telling me the truth about this because she doesn’t want to disappoint me.

This is a relief despite it being fucked as I came here in the hopes to try to make sense of the situation because i personally could not. she does have all of this trauma and our child is very needy so i don’t blame her and i partially blame myself for her to not feel like she could tell me that.

How was your postpartum life like? My wife’s was wild notwithstanding the other situations we found ourselves in.

>>34614606
>keep you commitment
I will go until i hit my breaking point in the not so distant future.
>>34614994
>sincerely apologized
yes of course genuinely.
>>34614999
i am working on this.
>>34615001
I don’t really care for your opinion. If you like therapy then that’s for you. Not everyone has to like or try something. I resent this whole therapy culture thing as does my wife. When did it become normal to pay a complete stranger to mediate an extremely personal dispute. I would go to my Priest before i do that and i don’t plan on meeting with our Priest let alone anyone for that matter

>>34615452
You should have never gotten married or had kids if discomforting things are enough for you to choose to have a divorce eg. divircibg without even trying couoles theory or seeing a priest. Cleary you dont take your religion seriousky either, nir your marriage vows, nor your kid

>>34608706
Divorce fucking sucks and you're not gonna magically find a new replacement wife. Dating in your 30s is way worse than anyone says, and they already say it sucks.

>>34615432
She does have the awareness of her role in the house- that's a win.

My postpartum was wild - mood swings, no sex for 6 months, crying, anxious from my newborns health problems, him starting daycare (my other kids never did daycare) he got hospitalized (for illness he got at daycare) I internalized all the guilt and felt like a horrible mom. Stopping breastfeeding was a last ditch effort to get my body back into homeostasis with the hormones. Time will tell, it's been about 3 months now (youngest is 13 months) so also ditto the guiltyshame for stopping bf before 1 year.

1 month after leaving I'm already feeling much better, so who knows if it was coincidence or if my issues were not entirely situational

>>34615485
>divorce and dating sucks in your 30s
divorce and dating sucks at any age these days. it is quite literally the last thing i would want to have to do but continuing the legacy of having a large family is the only thing ive always known i was going to have.

All of my friends and some family struggle and my wife and i broke up years ago for a bit and it was fucking terrible but i still was able to lock some short term flings down during that time. i’m one of those relationship guys where ive always just had a gf.
>>34615525
>that’s a win
it is thankfully
>postpartum
you and my wife are identical. The breastfeeding was crazy. the affects of giving birth are wildly different when you bf. neither of us had any idea and especially when they don’t naturally come off.
>feeling much better
that’s good so you’re plan is just temporary separation for now until you guys figure something out whether you want to be together or not?