I'm going to move in with my boyfriend of 4 years in a few months. I've been having a lot of doubt about it and I don't know if my hesitation is normal or it's going to blow up in my face after living together for a few months. We both live with our parents, I'm 21 and going to go into my second year of college when we move.I think about moving out to get roommates instead all the time. Not only because it would be more financially viable (I am worried my boyfriend will flake and not work fulltime, I will be working fulltime. I pay for my own college, I'm going to a community college atm), but because my boyfriend gives me a rash sometimes.When I told him I wanted to move, he told me "You should leave me, I'll just hold you down, I'm not built for this" - which is retarded defeatist shit. It took him a few months to get a job, not because of a lack of choice, but because he didn't want to work fulltime and he got too nervous at his first attempt. I am as understanding as possible. If I bring up shit that scares him he completely stonewalls me and tells me he's worthless, he pouts like a child. I am so worried how this will continue when we move out. However, I do believe he's not as much of a pushover as he makes himself out to be. It is really not hard to work a shitty job that doesn't require social interaction.He is clingy and I feel very guilty for not feeling the same way. He does the whole "I love you MORE" like he's telling me "I know you love me less". I love him, I like him, but I am worried about the relationship itself. He's a very nice person. He rarely does mean petty shit.I feel like I do not have the option to say no. I do not know if it's normal to feel this apprehensive about moving in with your partner. I am not necessarily seeking something else, I just don't want to move in with a basket case. But I know >>>Relationships take work. I am worried he will not put in the same effort as I do because he feels like he is not worth it.
>>34612371It is perfectly alright to say no, just articulate your reasons.Also>If I bring up shit that scares him he completely stonewalls me and tells me he's worthless, he pouts like a child.This is going to continue, why wouldn't it
>>34612382I think people can change. He wasn't always like this. Years ago he was trying to get me to move out. He was willing to do all kinds of crazy shit. Caused strain on my family, I'm glad I didn't do it because it was stupid. But at least he used to have initiative. I think he'll do better when he is forced to grow up.It feels like I'm getting married. What is this supposed to feel like if it's not in the depths of a honeymoon phase.
>>34612371The sensation you're getting right now is one that every young person who engages in young relationships experiences - that the person you're with currently is not going to adequately grow with you into adulthood. You may love him and you may have had wonderful times but, frankly, you're both still kids. You got with him when you were 17. Your priorities and decision making and desires out of a relationship are much, much different now in your 20s than when you were 16-17. That nagging feeling you're getting about him not being the right person for you is not going to go away. Clearly, your mind and body are communicating something very important to you and the fact that you are not excited to move in with your boyfriend tells you everything you need to know about how sound of a decision this is. You already know the answer to your question, you just need us to tell you that your gut is right, which I understand. All you need to do is ask yourself - if you move in with him and he doesn't change is this what you really want to be doing when you're 25 and 30? Living and supporting a guy who pouts and refuses to communicate and constantly talks shit about himself to avoid responsibility and emotionally manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and not holding him accountable for his actions? Do you want to be doing this for the next 10 to 20 years of your life? If the answer is no then you have your answer.
>>34612392>I think people can change. He wasn't always like this.This is the mentality that keeps people trapped in relationships where they wake up one day and realize they've wasted decades of their lives waiting for someone to change.
>>34612392People can change, but usually they don't. And when people make an effort to change, you can tell
>>34612392Can you not talk to him directly and tell him what you need him to do?
>>34612392Dude is low quality. His desperation to get u to move out, he probably felt like this would make him happy having you. But he's too immature to realize that desire collapses when you have the object in totality. So he will most likely be a piece of shit to you in a few years or a lot less time, people who arent happy with themselves can't really treat others with sustained authentic respect. Sounds manipulative, might want to keep him on your roster for dick but not as a responsible person u want to share a life with. My advice? Casualize it. Turn it to a friends with benefits takes the pressure off him.
>>34614950Going to. I hope it goes well. Either he'll just say I should leave him or he'll be mature about it.>>34614990You're pretty gross.
>>34612392> He wasn't always like this.You crushed him.
>>34612371>When I told him I wanted to move, he told me "You should leave me, I'll just hold you down, I'm not built for this" - which is retarded defeatist shit. It took him a few months to get a job, not because of a lack of choice, but because he didn't want to work fulltime and he got too nervous at his first attemptOn this point your boyfriend might be completely fucked and it might be beyond his control. The market is not behaving rationally at the moment. The last few years especially. Your boyfriend might be unable to land a decent job because nobody wants to hire men right now. I can empathize with that feeling of worthlessness he's going through, believe me, I say it among my male friends, among friends online, among men in general. If I didn't work for myself I'd be in the same boat. The vast majority of new jobs created after the COVID shutdowns went to foreigners and women. Companies do this for a variety of reasons but a large one being that if they meet certain diversity quotas, hedge funds will cover their expenses for the year and shit like that. So before you climb up your man's ass about being slow to get hired somewhere, remember, it's not 1980-whatever. He might be suffering in silence because he feels the pressure from society and family and a relationship to be a primary provider, but he's quite literally prevented from doing so to a greater degree than any generation before him. I'm not even trying to be a stupid /pol/tard or anything, I'm just saying it sounds like your man is very hopeless and depressed and if you.exacerbate that pressure by trying shame him or berate and make him feel bad about this shitty unfair market that is treating men in such a fucked up and contemptuous way, he might be the next guy that kills himself. I know that sounds extreme, but every guy (myself included) knows someone who put a gun in their mouth or some equivalent act of self destruction, because they couldn't live with the shame.
>>34616226We are both menHe was offered multiple jobs, and we are wagies. It is not that hard to find a nothing job in a major city.And he is far from the primary provider nigger. Even if I was a wombyn, I said I work full-time. I pay for my own college. I do my own shit. He does not support me in any way, but if we live together, I do not want to find out I'm paying for more than half of our rent on top of my education.
>>34616264Oh if he's a faggot then disregard lol.
>>34616226Also crazy that you automatically assume I'm "berating" him. He chose to be unemployed. I never gave him shit for it. I reminded him as months went on, and his reasoning was that he did not want to. He lives with his parents and had savings that he pissed away. Cry about how hard it is and don't try to improve.
>>34614990kys subhuman
>>34616270Don't fool yourself into thinking that women aren't working the same cushy jobs as you.
>>34616271Don't gays have like hundreds of sexual partners in their lifetime? Why even bother holding onto him if you're clearly done with him? Just move on to the next dozen or so. It's not like he should expect any loyalty or commitment from a gay relationship anyway
>>34612371Don't do it OP. Stay with your parents and finish your schooling. If you do move in with him all the responsibility will be yours alone and you'll abandon schooling to make it work. Paying for the place, cleaning, cooking and baby sitting a child in an adult body that can fuck up more shit than 2 dozen toddlers could in a year.
>>34612371Nigga clearly has some kind of anxiety disorder.I was the same way after uni when I was unemployed, made my ex leave me.After 2 years of full time work I was normal again.If you think he can recover from that (maybe with therapy), move in. Otherwise break it off immediately.Being in college by itself is no good reason not to move in together. Not doing that is one of my biggest regrets in life.But since you both seem to be fags: fuck you, and who cares what you do.Also:>>34616264You clearly do not understand gender dynamics. If you were a woman, he would have to be the primary provider or you would leave him eventually. That's just how it is.
>>34616264I knew this was too good to be true. Women would have no qualms dumping his ass in a heartbeat.
