>Married a woman in Texas >I'm in Canada>I visit her as much as I can while waiting for immigration to take in the application>things are fine when I'm there, but she seems to have severe abandonment issues, and they flare up severely when I go back home>like severely severely, maybe undiagnosed PTSD severely, I don't know>daily meltdowns, even at work, nothing really seems to help, inconsolable during these episodes>limited family resources, the only person she could move in with is her adoptive mom in another city who has, at best, a frayed relationship with her>If she was institutionalized in a ward right now, she would lose her job probably, and then go bankrupt afterWhat can I possibly do here? I feel backed into a corner. Any ideas?
As far as I have it worked out so far, my options are basically:>Overstay visa in America for a long time>barred from America for doing that>try to smuggle her into Canada to overstay her visa here>would be insanely risky, as she would probably get turned away at the border with her cats>leave her>she probably just kills herself>try to wait it out>she might kill herself, will almost certainly get fired from her job, will have pretty much nowhere to go other than her adoptive mom, I will get stuck with the bills if anything happens>Encourage her to quit her job and go move in with her adoptive mom now>She will absolutely hate it, her adoptive mom is a redneck retard who no one likes being around, treated her poorly as a childAll those options suck so bad I don't know how to choose...
>>34612456>try to wait it outThis seems like the best option because if it fails and she loses her job, you can alwaus go to the move in with her step-mom option
>>34612422Your international long distance WHAT>like severely severely, maybe undiagnosed PTSD severely, I don't knowOf course shes a nutter, no even remotely normal woman would even consider a logn distance international marriage.Shit dude. Go out and meet some normal chick , stat! If you can't do that , go to a hooker , plapjal, goon for a few days, anything to clear your head and try to lessen whatever insane off the charts degree of desperation has driven you to this.Are you completely , utterly insane? How do you even get such an idea?
>>34612505>Of course shes a nutter, no even remotely normal woman would even consider a logn distance international marriage.This.Leave her.>but shes the best I can do and I don't want to be alone.You'll figure out it's better to be alone lonely than married and stressed the fuck out
Why the f did you marry someone from a different country? How did you even meet her and decide to marry her?
>>34612516I am pretty significantly disabled. I chat with people online, including /soc/. I met her there, and we fell in love with each other. Married later after talking and visiting for a while, as that is the only way we could move in together.Disabled life is hard. I was single for 10 years and unemployed for a couple. I was planning on being single for the rest of my life, but could not pass up the opportunity to have someone love me enough to move to my country to be with me, even if she is pretty mentally ill.If I knew she would collapse this severely, I would never have done it, obviously. I made the best decision I could. FWIW she has been stably and gainfully employed for her entire adult life with no major incidents like this, so it was a calculated risk.
>>34612515>You'll figure out it's better to be alone lonely than married and stressed the fuck outIt's definitely looking that way.
>>34612422>long distance wifeI wonder how people end up like this
Can't she visit a psychiatrist? They might not institutionalize her but give her meds.
>>34612638this. meds and therapy asap, if not already
>>34612638I could arrange for that. I hope to god something works for her.
>>34612505>Of course shes a nutter, no even remotely normal woman would even consider a logn distance international marriageQE fucking DAnon, I know you read on this site about ran thru roasties and how mercurial modern women are, and I'm not going to argue that, I will just say, the women that are down for international relationships are even less sane, which is a major factor 4channers overlook. its like the unemployed software people recommending 21 year olds go into the trades, the critique of their industry is correct, but their solution (which they have zero real world experience with passport-broing or working a trade) is magical thinking
Anyone willing to marry a chronically ill man is going to be kind of insane. I understand that much.
>>34612652>picrelatedSo hot
>>34612422How long ago did you marry and how fast did you agree to marry after meeting? Who suggested it?
>>34612758Married after 6 months together. Married for 9 months now. She orginally suggested it, but we talked about it at length, and I spent months carefully deciding before I actually agreed to do it. Part of the calculus was that we were both pretty aware that it was either going to be each other or nobody, probably, as she has difficulty connecting with people, and I'm chronically ill. In retrospect 6 months is obviously too soon, however if I leave her I will likely spend the rest of my life alone and in serious poverty.
how long till u get permission to enter the US? btw tf is /soc/.
I know none of this appears blatantly irrational, and upon closer examination still an awful idea perhaps, but nothing is ever simple when you're dealing with these kinds of conditions.>I am chronically ill with mild chronic fatigue and some complicating factors like ADHD which make it extra hard to manage on my own.>had to drop out of my college>will never be able to work full time again probably>single for a long time>basically no social circle to draw from>She is pretty autistic, and needy emotionally>she generally has a hard time understanding others and vice versa>she got by with one really good friend she was close with, otherwise very alone>they passed away unexpectedly, leaving her with nobody, probably trauma tooIn person it's pretty good. We have similar interests, similar lifestyles, strong mutual attraction, a lot of emotional love for each other, similar belief systems, priorities, goals, etc. She compensates for my physical disability and I help compensate for her mental issues, it was a fair enough looking deal to me. It got real bad, though.
>>34612784Did you perhaps wonder if she has BPD and could smell a desperate case from 1000 miles way
>>34612797She's coming here. Its 8 months at least.
>>34612814She has actually been screened for that by a psychologist already. I have wondered if the psychologist actually got it wrong when they said she didn't have it.Autism can cause similar instability. I don't know.What is the implication, that someone with BPD would want someone to desperate to leave so they can be as crazy as they want?
>>34612830Let's try to think logicalistically. Did these meltdowns and crashouts occur mainly after your marriage or were they just as frequent before your marriage? Both online before you actually met and after meeting but not yet married >What is the implicationIt's pretty well-known that BPDs target autistic guys who are late to the dating game and still have that teenage naive case of one-itis
>>34612844No kidding about that last part lol. Even in the beginning when she was coming on way too hard, I told her several times to just act chiller because I am not interested in a whirlwind romance. Now I'm at the point where I basically believe strong emotions have no place in a marriage at all except for rare circumstances. Target for what though? They want someone to manipulate? I have no resources to take.
>>34612844The crashouts where nowhere near as frequent before we got married. They happened once in a while, a couple times a month maybe, but some of these times after I go home in marriage are daily full scale nuclear meltdowns that last for hours, its completely fucked. Would never ever have considered marrying her if I predicted that it would get that bad.
>>34612885>Target what It's not money they want, it's undivided deep connection to another person who will plug their abandonment wound void they developed from parental abandonment. If she is that, then the meltdowns and episodes will slowly intensify, and this is usually their method of testing how strong the connection is and if you will abandon or not
>>34612913That's a pretty standard M.O where they suppress it until the relationship is locked in
>>34612918Shit, that would explain why it just keeps getting worse over time. Each time I go home it has gotten more and more severe. I don't think the meltdowns are a test or a method, I think she is actually just totally losing her mind emotionally. Still its really bad.
>>34612935Well OP love is still possible despite all this, you just have to see her episodes as not fully her fault and understand you'll be doing a lot of mental support moving forward. Try making playful sexual and romantic talk when she's in the middle of a breakdown, somehow it just works to calm them down.
Fuck, the more I think about it, the more it has to be BPD. I can't believe I fell for this shit.>all negative energy all day>she just dumps constantly without any consideration for how it affects me>shows zero interest in other people or what they're doing, exclusively talks about them in terms of how well they meet her needs>the extreme meltdowns are always triggered by me not wanting to talk or me talking to someone else>every time I refuse to talk she does something truly unhinged, like speeding down the highway>sudden switching between white hot anger and crying about how im the most important thing to her>demands constant attention 24/7>bottomless pit of needs>she talks about all of her negative emotions strictly in terms of what I did to provoke them, or how I could have done more to prevent them.I could go on. I think I'm done with it.Pray that I don't get hooked by the yo yo when she tries to pull me back in, bros.
>>34613457Is she actually your very first OP? How old are you?
>>34613468First serious relationship, yes, first girl, no. I've slept with other women but nothing serious before.Almost 30
>>34613471Ah so quite the autist late bloomer who truly believed this was his last shot and got some awareness issues kek. But you're still pretty young and got a lot of time and opportunities dude. How many times did you meet with her in total?
>>34613511Total? I spent about a month and a half with her in person before marrying, and another 4 months since then.Tbh it probably is my last shot, but I'd rather rot alone in poverty than this. I seriously doubt there is a sane woman who would live with a mostly unemployed chronically ill weird sperg.Yes I have huge awareness issues. Zero autobiographical memory. Almost never understanding my own feelings. No visual imagination. Its absurdly difficult navigate something like this.
>>34613563Have you tried pushing back a bit against the breakdowns? Tell her your capacity is limited and put your foot down. Sometimes it can work
>>34613601Yes. It has gotten violent before.
>>34613606She hit you?
>>34613615Yeah :(I don't think I like her very much. I love her dearly, though.
>>34613653If that's really the case then you should ask her to get help with this stuff if your relationship is to continue in any form. personally I had a relationship with a BPD that lasted way beyond normal because when they had delusional meltdowns it triggered this internet debater edgelord jokester in me, and like a retard I actually enjoyed bothering to dismantle/argue with the delusions, until they escalated and targeted my relatives then it was over
>>34613697Sorry you had to go through that, man. Evem the nost implaccable heart will be bruised by that.
>>34613653look how fast random strangers convinced you to break up with her. you have to be better than that. She loves you and love is so hard to find. Who cares if she crashes out from time to time? i did that too in the beginning of my long distance relationship but it was also because my partner didn’t give me that feeling of stability. Now it’s all stable and great. Also your reasoning for being with her b cause you fear being poor forever is weird
>>34613720In the past 5 days alone she's tried to commit suicide at least twice, gotten fired and then unfired, ripped out so much hair that her scalp is bleeding, had medics called on her 3 different times for self harm, caused multiple 8+ hour long fights for no reason, used the previous things as leverage to manipulate me into dropping everything I'm doing to give her attention, broken her own hand, blamed all of it on me.I don't know if that is real love. I think that's just mental illness.
>>34613735Did she provide actual evidence of these things happening?
>>34613845Yes. They happened. Not to be so naive as to assume she *wouldn't* make up something like that for attention also, because she has before, but these recent ones have been real.
>decide to turn off my phone instead of being on speakerphone with her all night as usual>told her 7-8 times that I just didn't want to be on the phone tonight, but love her still>wake up to a call from the hospital, she's in with two badly slit wrists>67 unread messages, a suicide note, 15 missed calls
>she impulsively had my number removed from her emergency contact because my phone was off when medics tried to call me>now they can't discharge her because im not on the emergency contact, its some dude she talks to online that ive never metJesus CHRIST how the fuck did I wind up here
>>34614254Holy shit op that's awful >>34614260>Some dude she talks toDidn't you say she doesn't have any friends?
>>34614320Not real friends. This is some guy she calls to cry at randomly. She used to have 4 or 5 of these, but the other 4 eventually confessed feelings for her. This guy is married so I guess he just puts up with it.
>>34614332>the other 4 eventually confessed feelings for herThe married one is also trying to put his hot dog inside her
>>34614260Ur getting cucked bro
>>34614332I'm not trying to worry you OP nor should you conclude this without solid evidence, but there are probably much more than the handful you know about and she would have a few ready to monkey branch to at any given time
>>34614429Nah, I've seen the way they talk. Doubt it. They were all random people from far away that she met on either /soc/ or WoW. All of them were such awkward spergs that she would just let them type paragraphs about orthodox christianity or whatever. She blocked all of the ones that were weird to her. Last one is clearly tired of her shit and just doesnt want her to kill herself.
>need to convince the charge nurse to let her out of rhe hospital>they assume she's lying about having a husband in a other country>won't lsiten to her to let me speak to themIt would be funny if it wasnt so insane
>Apparently they've been trying to call me but she gave them my phone number wrong by one digit, she didn't notice because she calls me on whatsapp
>>34614534Isn't there some document you can show that you're married?
>>34614555Yes but she didnt have it on her lol
Why are you unemployed btw OP?
>>34614584Full time work is unmanagable with my disabilities. Decent part-time work is very difficult to find.
>>34614598What are your disabilities if you don't mind sharing
>>34614626mild CFS, ADHD, and plantar fasciitis both feet. Its shit. ADHD makes managing fatigue extremely difficult, fatigue makes ADHD much worse, and I can't do a brainless physical job. Last time I had a full time job I had ridiculously fortunate accomodations.
>>34613735That's not love she obviously has a deep personality disorder also remember suicide attempts from a narcissist are always a weapon to keep u in the mix so u need to kick this bitch to the curb asap gang unless she's actually super hot if she's a frump lame ass and she's acting like this u need to let her kill herself and I'm not joking there are trillion people in the world don't fall for the meme
>>34614860Oh, so no real disabilities. Just made-up bullshit and your feet hurt (everyone's feet hurt).
>>34614911I don't believe there is any woman in the world hot enough for this behavior desu. Brad Pitt left prime Jennifer Anniston and that bitch isnt half as crazy.I think its probably time to call it. I wonder if she'll even file the papers.
>>34612422>>34612456I'd say to try and wait it out for now, but make sure she knows how much you love her, that you won't leave her, that you'll always be there for her etc., so that she may panic less at the notion of being alone. While you can't visit, do constant calls, do online activities together, let her talk and vent as much as she wants, make sure she is heard, etc.. The important thing here is for her to feel like she has someone.Other than that, maybe it'd be ideal for her to both start some therapy and take some medication to control her anxiety and panic attacks.Has she ever said what causes those meltdowns? Is it just because of the abandonment issues, or has something else happened?
>>34614860OP, be honest, it would be some level of discomfort for sure but you could have worked more all these years, right? You could have developed some kind of career. So going forward try to do that and focus on yourself, then you'll be less desperate
>>34614966>could have worked moreKind of? I have two years of engineering school. It's not like I haven't tried. If someone offered me the perfect job out of nowhere with generous accomodations I could do it, but all of those jobs are extremely competitive to get and they don't give them away to strangers. If you go on a wevsite like indeed, all you find are fake job listings for shit jobs like call center telemarketer.>>34614923They are almost always triggered by some kind of fear of abandonment trigger. Either I decline to call, or she doesn't like the period at the end of a sentence unexpectedly, or thinks I'm being curt, or hears gets bad vibes xrom nowhere, then shit hits the fan. She def can't afford therapy and most meds have made her worse instead of better so far. Its getting really bad.
Lately she's been threatening to starve herself to death because I declined to call during her lunch break once.Not fun.
>>34615069>>34615076Sounds like BPD to me anon. These can be very hard to deal with. They'll often fluctuate moods, and can sometimes lash out at you.Does it all disappear when you guys get together physically?
>>34615129Yeah... It mostly goes away when in person, but it still happens. I just got home from a 1 month long trip to stay with her, and there was 3 really bad days where she started fights, mostly when she was reminded that I woupd have to leave for home soon, melted the fuck down screaming full volume for 4+ hours, and kept threatening to kill herself in front of me, or would run out of her place and go drive erratically unless I begged her to come home.The rest of the time we just sort of hung out, slept with each other constantly, and went about our lives sort of.When I'm away, these types of meltdowns are basically every single day to the point where her whole life falls apart.
>>34612422You're either screwing with us or you're really, really, stupid. How the fuck are you married to someone that you can't see in person unless you cross an international boundary? How the fuck is such a marriage even valid?
>>34615470It used to be the case that marrying someone from another country would give one instant citizenship, but I don't know how it is these days.>>34615322Tough situation man. I know you like her and want to help her out, but there's only so much you can do on this situation.Even if you were to move there, based on what you said, there'd likely still be conflicts and all.I guess for now she either finds professional help and stays at her own place, or she gets help and goes back to her mother. Either way, she needs something to control her impulses and emotions.Best wishes man. It isn't your fault.
>>34616298I appreciate the kind words.You know, whether she actually has BPD or not, it's easy to see how someone gets caught up in this. I honestly barely have regrets about trying it even still.She made an attempt on her own life again tonight. Failed, again. I suggested maybe she move in with her mom again, she just shouldn't be alone. It is then that she finally opened to me about why she can't do that. What happened to her there. I understand.When she comes to, I really do love her incredibly dear to my heart. The intermittent reinforcement of the emotional rollercoaster hits like a freight train. The feeling of making up is intoxicating.If this is all just me confusing a life lesson for a soulmate, well, fuck.
How attractive is she conventionally? How attractive is she to you specifically?
>>34616985Like a strong 4 desu maybe a strong 5 with makeup on.
>>34617779did you break up? talked with her about it now? any update?
>>34618231I have not. She's been in and out of the hospital for days now. Just talking it out trying to figure out wtf to do. Looks like waiting it out is simply not going to be doable, she is not stable by herself there and isn't going to be. It's either leave her, wait for her to succeed in suicide, or try to.smuggle her across the border.
>>34618401did you consider that all of what she's doing is just protest behavior designed for leverage over you, did you try say something perhaps like you are working on being physically with her long-term but if she tries to "off" herself again you're done
>>34618401and i thought i was crazy. She sounds mentally ill (borderline). It’s pretty hard to have a successful borderline relationship especially if they don’t recognize their illness and are willing to change. Anyways you should communicate it all to her and see how she responds.
>>34616906>The feeling of making up is intoxicatingI get you. That's common.We had a thread a few days ago that discussed exactly this. An anon was talking about how he actually wanted a BPD gf, and many anons shared their own personal tales and experiences with them.Basically, it is tempting because of two main factors:>the 'I can fix her' idea>the extreme affection during the high pointsIt's also common for them to be very charming in their own way.At any rate, it's usually a complicated relationship. The person needs to understand that there will be inevitable fights, even over pointless, minor things. But it isn't impossible.I don't intend to demotivate you. Do what you judge to be right.
