>>34618571
She is cheating.

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>>34618571
>i had an instinct kick

>>34618571
>ive been planning to propose in a year
Don't. She is is definitely cheating, and if you ask her to see her phone, she will probably delete stuff. You have two options, gather proof and blast her, or get proof, blast her but only after you monkey branch.

>>34618571
She is acting paranoid, which is quite weird. All the people that cheat are usually paranoid just like her.

>>34618571
>basically just tell me if theres something else going on or im being a chud cuck here and should dig further for proof
You should definitely dig for proof, something is off here, way off.

>>34618589
yeah, im not super sure how to tread this situation. we've been together 5 fuckin years and she has NEVER seemed like the type to do something.

as far as i'm aware, the dude lives far away (military) so nothing physical is likely to have happened, but the breach of boundaries and trust here is unforgivable physical encounter or not

not to mention, i'm in my hardest fuckin semester of school right now entering midterms fairly soon, this shit is the last thing i need bogging my mind

>>34618571
>my gf recently brought up the idea of an "open" relationship t
Yes you are being cheated on.

>>34618571
>my gf recently brought up the idea of an "open" relationship
Stopped reading there. Yeah she intends to cheat.

>>34618571
Bro are you retarded or something? This reads like some bullshit you’d see in a sigma break up edit. Yes she’s 100 percent cheating on you and doesn’t give a fuck about you. I’d Scorch earth this relationship at this point to get back at her by making her life hell by doing little things that fuck with her, but I’m really petty so your choice desu.

i appreciate the insightful and also blunt responses lol, i know the open relationship suggestion tends to be an auto indicator, i feel like a fool because i still feel like there's no way it would happen to me

if you want more info: she has also been spending way longer on her phone recently, she says because she's back into tiktok and stuff, but the timing is beyond coincedental, she also grins at her phone a lot and i feel like (going into schizo levels now) holds it extremely close to her face

i have no clue how to bring something up like this without the other factor that i was snooping through her stuff, basically if i find definitive proof my plan is more just to say fuck it and cut my losses and break away

shitty part is we moved out across town these past few months, so i'd have to find a way to get all my shit packed in like a day and gtfo, it's her apartment though and i am not bound to the lease, thank fuck

>>34618623
I'm sorry man, I know I was a bit blunt, but I didn't mean to cause you grief. It's just that I personally really can't picture myself accepting something like an open relationship. To me, it just screams that the person is no longer interested in you, but still feels a bit guilty by straight up cheating, so they sort of ask for permission first by asking for an open relationship, as if saying 'hey its cool, we're both cheating so its fine'.

In any case, it's your call. Do what you think it's right.

>>34618571
>my gf recently brought up the idea of an "open" relationship to an extent where we stay together but its sort of dont ask dont tell what we do with other people, and honestly i was more or less down for it initially because we got together super young and had almost no experience before each other, after awhile though she backed out on the idea
>[...]
>she was cheated on the times before by said ex and was constantly checking me early on in the relationship because of it
See, this doesn't add up at all, does it? She was constantly paranoid about you seeing other women, and then *she* suggests that you should fuck other women? I'm not buying it. And it was she who backed away from ir, too, which also suggests she was never really on board with the idea to begin with.

I think it's pretty clear what happened here: she was testing you, and you failed the test. She was freaked out by the idea of you seeing someone else and she wanted reassurance that you wouldn't ever do that. She knew it you were sneaking around she might not find out, so instead she set a test: she told you "Hey, how about we both see other people?" and gave you permission to do it openly. And she *desperately* wanted you to say "no, I don't want to be with any other woman, I only want you!". But instead, you said "oh, I get to put my dick in other women? awesome!" And she was devastated by that. And backed out of the "open" thing as soon as she plausibly could.
(to be continued)

>>34618752
(continued)
For the record, I am not approving of her behaving like this; it was a stupid thing to do. But your response was worse: you really should have had the sense to realise she wouldn't be remotely okay with this, even if she claimed she was.

So now, in her mind, she knows that you want to fuck women who aren't her, and she can't trust you any more. And, because you are untrustworthy and want to cheat on her, why should be faithful to you? That's why she's talking to her ex again

I don't know if she's actually fucking her ex; maybe. If she isn't yet, she may intend to. But I'm entirely sure that this wouldn't have happened if only you'd had the sense to say "no" when she suggested opening things up. In terms of where you go from here, I think you need to bear that in mind. However hard it may be for you to understand, in her mind it was you who betrayed her first, and she is simply reacting to the fact that you want to fuck other woman.

If she hasn't fucked her ex yet then it might still be possible to salvage this, if you want to. Her behaviour and her perceptions clearly aren't very rational,, but nonetheless it's important to understand what they are before you decide where to go from here.

>>34618758
i understand this and no hard feelings or anything

this conversation has actually come up before, around a year mark, where she said she always had the FOMO of not dating around more before we got together. back then, i always said stark no there is no way i would ever

as i got older, i came to accept it more, but honestly i told her the idea of her with other girls idrc, but other dudes i dont like, which was probably also a bad response

its an interesting way of looking at it either way, if i failed a "test" then so be it, i don't want to be tested in my relationship when i have a horde of other shit to worry about in life. if she decided that my "betrayal" could take it all the way and give her permission to go behind my back, it's wrong either way

this whole thing may have just been a deadly catalyst to underlying feelings we've both had in this relationship, and why i ultimately disagreed on opening it because i felt like it would have a much higher chance of blowing up, thanks for the insight

>>34618740
no worries at all, trust me i am LOOKING for the blunt responses in this thread, part of the reason i went here even tho i rarely post is cause this is an objective view unhindered by people who may know both of us

i never imagined myself agreeing to it at one point, and honestly it may just be an expose for underlying problems that would have lead to infidelity either way, i still have no proof, but i'm willing to cut my losses before any severe event happens

>>34618804
>if i failed a "test" then so be it, i don't want to be tested in my relationship when i have a horde of other shit to worry about in life.
I get that. But at the same time, someone needing reassurance is something you should have time for.
>if she decided that my "betrayal" could take it all the way and give her permission to go behind my back, it's wrong either way
I don't think it was a question of "permission". She was feeling crushed, miserable, and in utter despair; and she couldn't talk to you about it because you were the one who made her feel like that. At that point her slimy ex resurfaced and said "hey, let me comfort you, babe". And while normally she wouldn't have given the cheating asshole the time of day, you had just demonstrated to her that *all* men will cheat on her, so she figured "It's not like I can do any better than this anyway, so why not?"

I don't blame you for wanting out of this: clearly she needs to find healthier ways of seeking reassurance. (And going back to her ex is probably an unhealthy way to feel desirable again after you made her feel that you want other women more than her). But even so, the situation makes me more sad than angry.

>>34618846
she's the one that REPEATEDLY brought up this idea of an open relationship, i could see she was feeling relieved just by the fact that i mentioned not being opposed to it

she only drew the idea back she said when she really started thinking about me with another person, in her words "it didn't bother me much until i started thinking about your side" and i agreed with her, the thought of her being with another person was too gross for me to live with, even if it was casual

the most conflict there has been between us has been about "chasing" and "feeling wanted", and i've tried really hard to do what i can, but it just may not be enough for her needs too. one fatal incompatibility i suppose when everything else is otherwise good

i make no claim im without fault in our relationship, but i wish she had really talked to me or simply stated that what i give isnt enough and broken up with me. now my sense of trust and confidence is broken

>>34618605
>I'm in my hardes school semester rn
Ex of 5 years pulled the exact same thing on me in my hardest period in school around may/June, went on a dating app behind my back and starting speaking to men and eventually found one and left me for him and is still with him 2 years later.
What do I have to tell you? Yes she's cheating, but not in the way you think - you'll come to find that the bodily things don't matter to you as much as her love means to you. The most crushing thing for you will be when you find out she is uncaring for you, hateful, and indifferent. It's a combination of things.
Here's my advice: give her no mercy.
I checked my ex's phone, you can do the same. And I'm a super techy guy, I found nothing. 5 years I was with her, never looked through her phone. The one night I decided to, I found nothing in 2 hours of searching. I only knew because suspicions were mounting so high and I asked her so often that, I finally got her to confess, and my god. It was hard to get her to confess. God knows what I HAVEN'T been told.
A comedian told a joke once - when does a man know that his woman cheated on him? When she tells him.
It is true, you will know only when she tells you. Women can somehow smell it, maybe men are just honest, useful, predictable, while women are selfish, users, useless. Open relationship is peak narcissism. She is trying to use you to make herself feel normal with her cheating on you either in past or present or future. Brother it is terrible. Open relationship does not exist. Women who have so much power YET WANT MORE exist. Don't fall for it. I wish I could repeat this so many times to make you understand just how near and dear this exact situation is to my heart. Please understand, she doesn't deserve an inch of your love, she hates you. Hates your guts. The words are manipulations. Please brother let her go and do not look back, do not show her that you care, do not show her that you hate her either, she simply does not exist

>>34619025
im still struggling with this desu.. its unbelievable. im also considerably more "techy" than she is, i dont think she took into consideration that i can get into her tablet and still see messages through there.

part of the open relationship thing i think was compromising because yes the bodily stuff doesnt bother me as much as being without her does. i feel im its gotten to where even if nothing has happened, its reaching a boiling point where some sort of cheating will happen inevitably

i cant shake the feeling that there is a long trail that shes deleting as she goes. snapchat is, to me, the "sneaky link" app, i havent used it since i was 16 because i have nothing to hide. exclusively messaging someone through there, especially an ex, is setting off red alerts like crazy.

i feel like if i bring it up it will probably be denied, at least initially, then will be spun back on me to make me seem villainous for not trusting her, which is why im trying to get definitive proof or find any crack that can prove it. i have been EXTREMELY lax with what i allow her to do because i don't enjoy being controlling, and it seems this is just a natural result.

im sorry all that happened to you man

>>34618752
>she was testing you, and you failed the test
Shut the fuck up you fucking whore.

>>34618580
>She is cheating.
100%. Not even a question in my mind here.

>>34619042
Thank you dude, and thanks for sharing, and I'm sorry this is happening to you right now.
Honestly I never recovered fully. This breakup after a large relationship is a life changing experience, some people don't make it. I'm still struggling.

Ex+Snapchat = easy af to sext, plus texting an ex is emotional cheating, and like I said you'll come to see or maybe you already see that the emotional cheating is the worse one. It is the admission that you're not her sweetie anymore who she cares about.
Not being controlling and letting things happen naturally is good, but turning a blind eye to egregious things, such as, texting ex on Snapchat ??? And ASKING FOR AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP ??? you remind me that my ex was talking to me about threesomes in the months leading up to her confessing finally.
Don't let them dude. Don't even let them try, or to even utter these words, this is a direct manipulation tactic psyop - "threesomes, open relationships", these are psyops made by women for women. To make evil deeds like cheating normalized. Poly, is an evil term. Made by evil people. To do more evil and have it be accepted.

1/2

2/2

I feel sorry for you and the very tough period you're about to go through, but the only advice and words I can give you that I hope will help you are - 1) let her go quickly. Untie the bounds as quickly as possible. Abruptly. Everything in a box ready to go. Either hers or your box, and moving out, no living together. And no contact. Explain that she's a cheating whore and move on.
2) once she's out, you must, muuuust build a plan on what you do next. The best thing for you is going out and meeting new people, and working out. So, hiking, kayaking, running club, mma, tennis, football, basketball, soccer, something that's - 1) active 2) outside 3) with people.
And as hard as it is - continue. Tell yourself that this discipline is what will get you out of this mess and help you cope with being alone again. Because you're going to be just you with yourself again, alone, and you can do it brother. It can take you 2 years, or it can take you 1, or it can take you 6 months or 3 months, however long it takes - you have to do it. So start now. Good luck my brother

>>34618752
>>34618846
Not OP, but the problem with this reasoning is that, based on what OP said, not only was she the one who suggested it to begin with, she seems to be enjoying this arrangement, talking with another guy all gleefully and stuff.
I feel like if she really loved him and abhorred the idea of not being in an exclusive relationship with him and just wanted to 'test' him, she would just get pissed or sad and break up with him, and not be all happy about it.

Best case scenario it most likely means she likes this arrangement and enjoys being in an open relationship, which is just an invitation for cheating.

>>34619155
yeah... i could see the reasoning behind this theory but i dont think its necessarily true. i know shes had crushes outside of her relationship (ive seen her texts admitting guilt to her friends about feeling that way), but i haven't seen it for awhile at this point. i know that there is an extremely strong possibility the proposition was made with a roster of people already in mind. honestly, bad ex isn't what i saw as a possibility, and there may be even more than that.

it's still so hard for me to shake, i only really got this huge point of evidence last night, more of me is still praying there is a sensible and silly explanation for what this means. i've been suffering anxiety and cold chills the entire day

>>34618589
nta but I've thought of blasting my current ex but decided not to get myself kicked from a friend group. Though maybe I should cause it's only 2 others at this point not including me and her for this dicksword group but no idea

Let HER fill in the dots for you
Leave, and if you're confronted personally, you simply say "I saw" with a cold glare. If she tries to get you to elaborate, stay cold. Start to leave, tell her to fill in the missing parts of the story herself until she begins to apologize and says everything herself, because you won't accept anything less.

And tell her that after everything she said early on in the relationship, her ex was in the right and she deserves him.

OP here, if anyone wants a brief update that reads this:

i can pretty much all but 100% confirm that this has been happening. for a brief timeline:

1. she had reached out to the ex to find out what happened post-divorce (i knew about this, it was still open phone policy and this person never seemed like a threat to me) 2. then they began talking beyond this 3. he likely started flooding her with attention which i already know she feeds off of cause she's ALWAYS saying i don't pay attention, i don't chase, i don't initiate anything (which i 100% expect this point to be turned against me when this is brought up), 4. THEN the open relationship concept is brought up after she likely already saw an opening with him, then she backs out of it because the thought of me with someone else is too hard to stomach

i was able to find her friends gc messages without making it sus, and apparently he quit smoking for her and she said "he's probably just trying to fuck lol", this was the FIRST DAY the open relationship was brought up, meaning i know for a fact that those talks precede my knowledge of anything

and let me be straight, even if we bounced the idea around, i NEVER concretely agreed we were doing this. i never have sook out any other person's attention, and have been under the impression that we have still been strictly monogamous

now idk what to feel, it's not 100% cheating, i guess more flirtation, but i still feel my trust and boundaries have been crushed. i gave her an inch of trust and she's ran laps with it.

my next plan is to reach out to her friends (we used to all live together) and hope they can give me an honest answer, i always trusted them so i'm just hoping one person in this entire situation can tell some shit to me straight.

regardless of this outcome, i feel i don't satisfy her needs for attention and to be "wanted" no matter how much i try, and i'm going to inevitably get crushed one day.

>>34624676
>it's not 100% cheating, i guess more flirtation, but i still feel my trust and boundaries have been crushed. i gave her an inch of trust and she's ran laps with it.
Sorry, what? It's not even 1% cheating. You AGREED to an open relationship because it's what YOU wanted. Despite you agreeing to an open relationship, she hasn't had sex with anyone other than you. And yet you're accusing her of cheating? By what logic?

>>34624691
not once in this entire thread did i say i agreed to it. there was a discussion, nothing was ever agreed upon, and there was no definitive start and end to this. i also know this contact was before it was ever even brought up. she hasn't done anything physical, but she was definitely entertaining this ex and the open relationship conversation spiked because of it. that is something i NEVER agreed to happening, and if i did the same, she would absolutely flip her shit.

>>34624676
>my next plan is to reach out to her friends (we used to all live together)
Don't do it, faggot. They're her friends not yours, they won't side with you. They would have already told you everything if they considered you even a bit.

>muhh messages
This is cheating. But I guess there's much more that this, she wouldn't have deleted the messages if it wasn't.

>>34624691
>Sorry, what? It's not even 1% cheating
Shut the fuck up you fucking whore. Read the messages OP had written before you say dumb shit like that.