read this
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Maybe you're surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Maybe somewhere there's someone who will listen to you. And I say this from what you wrote; it seems you have interesting topics of conversation. It's just that nowadays people's brains are so damaged by social media and expectations.

"read this
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/" reading as I write this, thank you!

"Maybe you're surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Maybe somewhere there's someone who will listen to you. And I say this from what you wrote; it seems you have interesting topics of conversation. It's just that nowadays people's brains are so damaged by social media and expectations."
I've had the same feeling since childhoos hwere almost no one wanted to be around me, in the early years due to the stench of cigarette I had through my whole body and clothes as mom smoked inside, but later on as I moved to dads, without the smoke, I learned to dress better and act more grown - but I just needed up feeling the same rotten way. No one seemed interested to talk about think I talked about.
I write this as I've felt this my whole life but recently too, where I'm genuinly questioning peoples minds ad I've yet to find a single person who counters my thoughts and makes my explore and feel out my own thought and feelings as I've do for other people.
I understand that it's probably rare today, as you say, to talk about other stuff than social media or money.
I feel like theres MUST be more people like me but WHERE?? I just need someone to listen to me and challenge me but eveytime I get close to cracking the shell I get the "You should go and talk to some professional".

Bro.... I KNOW that you cant tell me the secrets to life or that you'd be up for giving me a professional physic assessment - I just want to hear your point of view.

This shit need to stop or else Ill go insane

Make virtual friends with the same ideas as you. I'm telling you this as someone who always listens to their female friends talking about men 24/7. BORING. That's when I started making a few virtual friends to talk about things that actually interested me and not generic garbage.

" We want to be deeply understood and maybe that's the problem. This desire to be "understood" is destroying our relationships because we're subjugating the people we care about to our own unrealistic expectations. The more we continue to indulge ourselves in this perfect world that we envision in our heads, the more delusional we become. We expect our friends to treat us the way we imagine it in our heads. Consequently we set ourselves up to a lot of disappointment because how can someone in real life compete with your perfect idealization of them?

We think we're the victims but maybe we're just placing ridiculous expectations on everyone and not allowing them to be themselves. We fail to see that the desire has become an obsession and it lead us to becoming delusional. "

Not sure if I should be starting a different thread sorry if I should have it just seemed kinda relevant

I just realized a bit ago that I am probably avoidant attachment style. Just wondering what other people's experiences as avoidant attachment are like. Never heard of this before recently but I've never felt so called out reading about it online.

"Make virtual friends with the same ideas as you. I'm telling you this as someone who always listens to their female friends talking about men 24/7. BORING. That's when I started making a few virtual friends to talk about things that actually interested me and not generic garbage"

I joined a online philosophy group a year ago and attended it once - It's on tonight also I'll try that again. I'd love to find a group to hang out with irl tho as body language and all that is fundamental, I feel. Cheers for the reply!

"" We want to be deeply understood and maybe that's the problem. This desire to be "understood" is destroying our relationships because we're subjugating the people we care about to our own unrealistic expectations. The more we continue to indulge ourselves in this perfect world that we envision in our heads, the more delusional we become. We expect our friends to treat us the way we imagine it in our heads. Consequently we set ourselves up to a lot of disappointment because how can someone in real life compete with your perfect idealization of them?

We think we're the victims but maybe we're just placing ridiculous expectations on everyone and not allowing them to be themselves. We fail to see that the desire has become an obsession and it lead us to becoming delusional. "

I feel like this is a bit pessimistic as the understanding of how, when and where once self would like to be met isnt something i inherently bad - whats bad about it would be to do what I did for YEARS with my dad before he passed which was pester him and treat him like shit, yell at him and just be horrible towards him - until I realized that maybe its not hate I feel towards him, maybe that a front for something else. It took me a could of years to realize this after he passed but today I can say that I did all that because I never felt seen. I wanted his love, attention and care. I got his care, but without the other parts it felt shallow and wrong for some reason.
Cont....

But today I at least have the knowledge of the possibility of communicating desires and needs instead of trying to use telekinesis and getting mad or whatever when stuff doesn't end up the way I'd like. I haven had the chance to actually practice this as zero out of all my relationships (mostly family) cant or wont meet me at a level where curiosity, empathy or simply seeing stuff from someone else's perspective if off limits. We talk about the weather and stuff, whenever I start talking about the stuff I want they say "go talk someone".

So I do feel like I have good ground to start off from but at the moment I'm self isolated as I've a bit too stiff to go out and meet new people for the fourth time in a couple of years but I think its the necessary choice.

I do feel like grounded partner who somewhat has the same outlook would sooth me a god bit, maybe all together as I have SOMEONE I can lean on - and she on me of curse. I wouldn't use anyone as psychologist but just having someone to care for would, I think, would give my brain to focus on instead of wander endlessly around in my own head where I get stuck - hence this thread.

Also I need to get over my stupid, out dated, fear of rejection from women - but thats another topic for another day

>>34620518
As someone who's a anxious attachment person who'd been with a avoidant gf a couple years ago - it dint end up that great and it ended after 3 months lol

You have any insecurities or something? Why do you think you're avoidant?

>>34620536
Sorry to hear about the breakup

I don't think it's about insecurities. I have a few but I would say I'm secure-ish. It's more just that I can't bring myself to be emotionally vulnerable or committed to someone. It is unbearably stressful. It just feels wrong. It feels like sitting down in an open space with nothing behind you to make you safe. Maybe this is cope and I do have insecurities. I guess not physical but emotional.

I'm someone who is very independent, I really hate having to rely on other people. I have always been very self motivated, too much sometimes. I think it's obvious why. Parents divorced at a young age, I had to learn to not show emotions to get by.

>>34620571
Thank you but the relationship was doomed from the start, good learnings tho.

Have you seen a professional psychologist before? Im curious as from what you've said you read as someone who is pretty grounded non the less.

I've not really thought about it like that, being exposed without a guard - I do feel like it would be good to do with a new partner. You have to be vulnerable or else you end up in a relationship that isnt a good fit because you never actually talk with each other about whats important, how the future could look together - basically planning.

All my previous relationship, even good ones, have not had this in it before.

I do think this is move from my own, maybe yours too, to keep you from commuting. From my pov I think I have a gut feeling thats been with me all my life of me never seeing myself with any one single person the rest of my life, even tho I fantasize getting married and keeping a wife and getting kids and all that.

I dont know if its because I feel like every relationship I find or create feels like the person is leaving sooner or later so why commit? Why ask the hard questions? Why figures out how and why a partner acts as they do.

Cant put my finger on it but something hard I feel sometimes is that I need people around me, I need a partner nu nurture me and I nurture back, but I am horribly independent so whenever I feel down I feel it for a while, maybe half an hour or so, and then I'm back to being by my self and managing it.

Sometimes it feel like I have to persons inside me:
1. My old self who doesnt want to let go, searching dopamine rewards, quick fixes and just keeping myself to my own without depending on anyone but my self.

2. My new self, that slowly gaining grind the last couple of years, has realized that healthy relationships accepts each other without prerequisite demand or accomplishments.
That I need more people around me and that being a "lone wolf" which my whole family basically is cont..

>>34620588
a quality I've seen with my own eyes most probably will make me end up without kids or a partner at the later stages of my life if I dont solve my complex patterns and learns to live with them instead of trying to run from them.

I think I felt very unseen when I as younger. Today I have money and a place to live so I basically just stay inside and hide sometime, sometimes I get a jolt of energy but it happens less and less as I get older I've noticed.

I've learned to become more of a planner/spider in the net as it comes to creating more social events and stuff, instead of always waiting for someone to invite me (as I didnt feel worth enough before) - which is good, but I need to find more people like minded to me. It's bloody hard tho. Maybe I need to change countries, I love in Sweden so social interactions or just asking a girl for her number is basically the equivalent to brake check someone on the the freeway, like WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME - but I just know that there's a couple people, there must be, because I'm like me - there has t be more of us.

Maybe I should figure out my weakness and lure people into a van and later keep them in the basement or something, that way no one can leave haha

>>34620500
It sounds like getting into the habit of reading might help. It could take years, but if you keep studying the right stuff then eventually your views will round out and leave you with a comfortable gap-free understanding of the world. Which isn't to say you'll know everything, just that you'll be comfortable with what you do know and understand how to integrate new information into that understanding easily and without stress. What you currently lack is that kind of foundation, from the sounds of it.

>>34620588
What I meant with my two personalities is that whenever I feel down my second personality appears, but as soon as I sit down to, for example, start a thread on 4chan, like as soon as I sit down I "feel better" or dont feel the need to reach out anymore.
Almost like my old self is keeping guard. Maybe I'm telling my self this and keeping a back feedback loop alive, I dunno.

Havent have money, yet, to talk someone professional but one day I will

>>34620597
I've spend the last 11 years learning all I can about this sort of stuff, facing myself in the mirror as much as I can too, but ultimately somethings I cant understand without it being conveyed in person so I get the full jist.
Sometimes I can hear someone tell me some useful piece of information but it could go on for five years and one day another person come up to me to tell me the same thing, but this time the person uses difference words and a different angle - which immediate make the information much more easily digested to me.

I feel like me problem in this thread is my isolation and bad self view, both of are issues thus far I've not been able to fix my self.

Reading is hard due to add and other stuff but I'm slowly getting around to it. Just read project hail mary in four days a cuple months ago - which was a relief and also made me realize I CAN read.

Reading about psychology is much much harder - Ive tired.
I understand why Im reading about the topic by like I said earlier I fell like it my second personality who is seeking the answers, but as soon as I open a book or start to read an article my first personality basically makes my brain think "this is unnecessary - you can manage anyways" so I end up stopping early on.

Its a bad habbits but something I notice and something I want to change.

How much should one change tho before you're become a who different person, maybe someone you're really not inside. Not sure yet, but getting closer.

>>34620588
Nope I've never seen a psychologist before. I've never been in a serious relationship before. I always pushed potential partners away before things became anything in the past, and only now am I starting to realize the pattern. It's never been a "problem" but idk

>>34620629
How old are you? M/f?

Do you want to, on both counts? Psychologist/relationship?

>>34620752
I'm male 18. No I don't think I need to see a psychologist. I'm making it sound like a much bigger deal in these posts than it actually is in my life (at least so far it has been..eh). It's just manifested as me always ending up feeling like I'm "not ready" right before getting with someone, yet longing for being with someone when I'm not with anyone. Honestly I think now that I recognize that this is something I have, that's probably enough for me to find ways to work with it in the future.

>>34620772
Fair enough. Is nice to hear such clarity from someone so young. I cheer you on when it comes to finding your balance regarding being ready or not - go after a girl that makes your life easier not harder, but it does take experience to realize this so give it time and enjoy it as much as possible

>>34621007
Thanks m8 I appreciate it