What are the prior incidents like? Does she shout often?


Ive had relatives who flip their shit for less. Like screaming cause you are looking for something on the floor

>>34624012
Earlier it always just been regular stuff but it's like whenever her glass gets filled to the brim she feels like she can treat people around her like however she wants. I wouldn't have bat an eye at this if it only affected her, but as I wrote this time I'm the one whos fucked also expected to build a new bridge.

She isnt inherently a bad person, just one who never got told "no", rather got told "do whatever you want in life" basically.

We were both bullied early in our lifes and she found her church, meanwhile I found computer games.

Today she is exactly the say as 20 years ago whereas I*ve changed completely. Didnt like my self at all before.

She's seen my changes and thinks they're odd and never have she asked me about my mental state or anything like that, whenever I talk to her about mental illness in our family she listens but never replies, always the same "you should really go an see some proffessional"

>my sister is a bitch
ok, not much to be done about that

>>34624019
> her glass gets filled to the brim
She drinks?

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>>34624002
That's a bit of a rough one, man and I'm sorry to hear it. Always breaks my heart when family doesn't gel. Sometimes that's just how it goes. You've probably heard the saying before that blood is thicker than water which is an abbreviated version with an inverse meaning.

The blood of the coven of thicker than the water of the womb. Sometimes family just will not be compatible and that's how it goes. It's nobodies fault per se, it's just psychological differences that clash.

My feelings on the matter are that your sister hides her demons very well, likely under the comfortable blanket of forgiveness that blind faith tends to provide. For her to remain apathetic to her own brother to maintain her persona of decency that is reinforced by her commitment to faith is a twisted justification on emotional abandonment. There is a good chance the she was traumatized or abused to default her mind into thinking that all is justified through the acceptance of faults or transgressions through Christ.

Psychology indicates that those that judge others are actually projecting discomforts that they harbor within themselves. If you really care about her and your guys relationship I would take the high road if I were you and ask her if she needs to talk, or if there's anything you guys can work through to bring out her REAL version, so to speak. If you're able to explore the darkness that hides our insecurities and afflictions together you can have some profound developments pertaining to insight and growth.

Is easier said than done and it does take work but it will most certainly help the bond between the both of you. She turned to religion for strength, maybe if you show her that you can help her be strong too she will come to appreciate you more than you are and what you've grown to become.

If she's not emotionally mature enough to handle a bridge between you two that will facilitate understanding, compassion, and growth then I would step back and carry on.

>>34624002
>So, how do I trey and bridge this fucked up gap
Honestly, I don't understand why you would want to.

>>34624002
she's autistic and her special interest is religion

>I've felt like she's had a mask all her life and that Ive never truly felt like Ive met "her", just a version she projects.
You don't want to meet the real her. She doesn't like the real her.

Literal demon possessed by a church girl and forced to act decent.

I get along pretty well with my own brother. We've only had each other looking out for us since we're little and we try to do so even now when we got our own lives

>>34624002
>Why? I think she prays to her imaginary friend and that she, through "him", forgive her self - never actually being forced to say it straight to the persons face.
First of all, Jesus is not imaginary friend. Second of all, she seems like a fake Christian to me, like all church goers. They get stuck in ritualistic practices and forget the most important thing, Jesus, and with Jesus the rest follows, humility, being humble, forgiving, and of course, reconciliation (Matthew 5:23–24).

>>34624137

Thank you so much for your text. It warms.

I cant put my finger on why, but I feel an innate sense of keeping the relationship alive.

My relationship to my mom is another topic too which is also strained but both of these two people never means to be mean, I think, they're probably just stuck in old ways.

They're scared of growing I think, its much easier to keep doing the dysfunctional shit they do but at least they know what to expect beforehand.

The thing with my sister right now tho would primarily be centered around reaching out but doing it in a way that doesnt give her the usual "Upper hand" as a older sis who never lets me in again, there has to be changes.

If I meet a person in, for example, a house party and they show the qualities that my sister, and mom, does I'd promptly walk away - not even bother to explain why.

So, I feel endlessly torn as I feel alone with them, cant really connect with them expect for when I put my own way of thinking and viewing the world to the side - but they're my family.

I lost my dad in 2019, me and him didn't have a real close relationship in the sense that he asked me how school was going or how I felt about things in general - it was more of me being handed a pc (which was my sole interest during my earlier years) and just leasing me to it. My mom did the same. They both never invested in me during my formative years expect for putting food on the table, roof over my head etc - what I call baseline. They loved me but I was left alone a lot.

>>34624706
So today, at 32, I'm hyper independent and have a real hard time asking people for help or ever actually believable people want to listen to me talk about stuff I like talking about and always having to second guess a lot of stuff.

I really think my two messed up, three counting my dad but we we're making real progress without any anger or hatred during his last months. I really wish sometimes that he was still here, some days I think that he would've been the only one tij my family I'd been able to actually have a better relationship with. But he died.

So I'm back to my previous topic - I cant give up on my remaining family because, I don't want to be totally alone. Even tho I don't feel like I'm seen or understood by them.

>>34624718
I've been harsh with my mom for a lot of years because of the neglect I realized that I went through as a child.

I realize she cant give me back that and that I'm actually proud of what I've been able to transform my self into even tho I've lacked self love and patience up until maybe recently where I think I've just accepted my hand more or less.

So now my sister is being a prick not tacking accountability or even asking if she ever did anything wrong to make me act this way, and a mom who wants a closer relationship today even tho she raised me hyper independent and through experiences I've seen who my mom really is and because of the fact that I formed my self through rigorous "throwing my self towards the wall and see what stick" I basically formed resentment towards her as I cant fathom how someone, even someone with anxiety and mental illness/bad self love etc, could't just have been present in their sons life.

She priorities her own pc as she was a coder early on but would rather choose to stay up late, smoke at her pc when I was sleeping in the room next to hers and be asleep a good 3-4 hours each morning after Id woken up.

>>34624731
Just because stuff has been a certain way "all the time" doesnt mean that its right or working correctly t all, maybe some people hold on to old/bad patterns cause the other potion is too scary or whatever. Comfortability is also a key part here.

I've tried talking to my sister for year at this, point trying desperately to get her point of view on shit that I find difficult to understand, our parts for example, or why we on my moms side of the family have an unspoken rule of never talking about difficult subjects.

My grandparents are alive at 86 and 88 respectfully and had a harsh upbringing, something my mom had to endure in her own ways - but basically fucking up my whole head as she became her own parent and never ever even trying to take a smidgen of accountability is the issue I have with her. I know it wont change the past, but I need to know that you truly understand it all. The acknowledgement is the key for me to trying to be more closer to my mom.
Tho every time she tried in the past to get in the middle of me and my sister, like two years ago me and her argued infront of the family about something not serious and my mom jumped in from nowhere and basically tried to stop the fight - to which I always think the same thing: Why the fuck would I listen to you when you didnt do this shit when I needed it earlier?

>>34624755
I've been harsh to mom too, same as with dad, when I was younger as I never understood then what I truly was feeling the moment. What did I need? What did I not need?

I genuinely cant think of any concrete examples of where I was traditionally raised.

My dad for example. Id yell and tell him how much he sucked - just because, this theory I realized a couple of months ago, I anted him to care about me. Ask me how my exam went, ask me how I'm feeling about "whatever"... Ask me, ask me so I can understand my self with my guardians protection. But no.

But mom and dad worked late and were hardly present except for, like I said, putting food on the table etc.
Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time trying to reconnect with mom later on today.

I know my parents never meant anything to harm me, they never beat me or yelled at me really. They were just so tired before and after work to ever take part in the life that they created.

I have very few memories from childhood too. I guess thats a common side effect of someone surviving instead of living

>>34624773
So, my sister...

I cant crack the nut yet but I somehow have to fix this as we spend xmas tohether, the whole family, and I will for sure be the bad guy if It doesnt get fixed as Im the one who created this mess, that probably how they see it.

Also when talking to my mom on the phone about when this happened with my sis my mom had my back an supported me for standing up towards my sis - mom even said she never told my sister "no" during her upbringing.

One week later after her having had one coffee with my sis at a cafe my mom phoned me up and basically begged me to smooth things over with my sis.

When I told mom that its not my fault and that I wont stand for my sis to never be held accountable and that Ive tried and tried and tried again and again talking with my sis about how I've tried talking to her for years about me wanting to be more closer and having more insight into her life thoughts and feelings - my mom gaslighted me and said that "You should think you know better than anyone" and the classical "dont be so sensitive". Mom told me this a week after she congratulated me on standing my ground. And I hung up immediately.

Honestly if I'd have the money I'd go to therapy but is stupid expensive here. I really cant think of anyone I know that I'd be able to phone up and just be able to talk to the natural way I talk to people and dig through my thoughts with me.
I dont think I "need" a specialist, just a eager ear and a playful mind.

Always felt the same my whole life (not even trying to sound dramatic at all, pure truth)that I¨ve never found anyone that I match with when it comes to values and principles. Some days I feel truly alone even tho I have no problem with being by my self (remember, independent).

So I turn to this thread. I mostly need to get shit off my chest. Am always open to new ideas and perspectives.

Truly appreciate all the comments, truly.

Again, sorry for the wall of text.

>>34624800
"You should't think you know better than anyone" *

>>34624002
sibling fights once ur both adults is stupid. both of u have zero reason to be this way. cut the childish crap

>>34624662
Christians can talk about fake Christians when they stop recruiting. You want more random people worshipping the same way and you want to eat your cake too.

*Borderline desperate bump*

>>34625327
I agree. But how do I bridge the gap without letting her know that her bullshit will ever be tolerated again, so the cycle ends?

I've looked the other way when she's acted up before cause of my fear of having zero family but I cant stand another violation of decency or respect just because she isnt feeling like it.

Also, like some people write, and which my mom has said her self to me regarding my sis is that sis seems to project to her church friends through the years too, to fit in and be the "best" church goer basically. Mom doesn't say thins to drag my sis down or anything malice, just an observation that she doesn't find all that healthy, is my take on it.

I've protected my sis through the years but this time, when she snapped at me, it basically made all the puzzle pieces fall into place and I saw her for what she really is and not what I've projected on her and saw what I've wanted to see, I guess.

Like I said if this was a friend I'd broken them off the same day basically. - Funny thing that actually happened to me a couple of months ago where a new friend also snapped at me and I withdrew and cut ties. Even he want able to even ask a simple question like "Did I do anything to provoke your response? Anything I can do to mend things?" but nothing. Just text asking how I'm doing and asking if I'm alright.

When I told my sis about this back in like February she basically listened to the whole story and when I was done she promptly started to protect my cot off friend basically saying "but, think of how he felt".

That also cemented something, previously to our fight, that she really doesn't have my back it feel like. Even when I literally tell her how he hurt me in the first place.

Not sure where I'd place my sis in my life today but like I said, I need to mend shit before at least Christmas as we gather the whole family every year and it holy to us.

How to I break the ice and the cycle?

Sounds like a strained relationship

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>>34626455
Perhaps you're just over complicating things. Emotions shift perspective into funny places of you let them run wild.

What you really need to do since it seems to me that your peace have been consistantly violated is open, honest communication. Say what you mean, mean what you say and the truth will be a filter for what needs to be on the surface.

Explain that you feel heartbroken because of her lack of priority for her family. That you want to reconcile despite differences and be open to her emotional realm being vulnerable if you're able to get that far.

Seems like she may be closed off emotionally and crutching on religion which is fine if you're not strong enough but it's the wrong way. It's surpressing instead of resonating which just manifests darkness within the soul. Does your sister blame you for her treatment during the upbringing?

She's the older child. I am also the eldest of 3 children and from what I've gathered the 1st born gets the toughest crash course. Parents that struggle to find their footing, struggling with balancing responsibility, wants and needs that don't over shadow your attention to the life you created that depends on you for everything. It's rough. For the child and the parents, but the child doesn't have a choice and the parents do, that's the difference.

Now with that being said, when a new child comes along as a parent you know more of what to expect, how to deal with shit, etc. And with that comes diversion of attention. A new child will receive all that extra love and attention at the cost of the other(s) because of the principality of the situation. Regardless of this is human nature it can have profoundly negative psychological impacts on a childs mind.

Everyone responds and develops to trauma and coping differently. She may harbor a resentment for you that is ultimately out of your control and if she's not comfortable enough to acknowledge that she may perhaps die on that hill due to her lack of awareness.

>>34626839
She's never balmed me for anything, always being neutral and forgiving in any an all situations.
That shit drives me insane because tf you mean, what do YOU want? What do YOU think of this? This is the root to my issue with her as I've opened up totally to her about almost everything in my life to try and get her to join in and explore new topics and talk about how some aspects to our upbringing didn't really work out and how to possibly change it towards something better - but she has never caught on. Just telling me to accept stuff and people as they are and to try and change my perspective, basically.

I read all your text and the part about being de-prioritized was probably a real thing that she endured. I barely have any memories from around birth to 16, just glimpses. She remembers a hell of a lot more tho.

Mom and dad split when I was 4, and I lived at moms until I was 16 - later moving to dads for five years (sis did the same at my age)
We only spent time with moms side of the senpai as dads lives in another country.
As mom was chronically online during the nights and dad apparently, according to mom today, worked sometimes multiple days and wouldn't show up home(when the lived together) - so my mom dumped me and my sis at our grandparents.

They are sweet people but have endure stuff that's made them never wanting/needing/being able to talk about bad stuff without killing the subject.

>>34624002
What this wall of gibberish comes down to is that 2 months ago your sister "raised her voice" and you've been seething about it ever since.

Get a life.

I cant blame them at 86 and 88 respectfully today for doing this tho. They've probably endured more than I can ever imagine, so I obviously give them a pass when it comes to trying to be vocal with my senpai members about changing out the dysfunctional stuff and replace it with empathy, compassion and curiosity.

My sis or mom have never liked this take. But as my mom was very unwell mentally a couple of years when I lived with her and probably before that I've developed many coping mechanisms and shit that I fell still today hinders my overall life - even tho I've done a huge shift the last 12 years but no one in my senpai sees any real need to change stuff. Especially my sis.

I get a sense of that my sis really yearns for older times, like living in the past when religion was all there was. She hated modern music, never understands my takes on societal problems or has EVER complained about anyone before. Ive always had the feeling of always just seeing a shell of her any maybe it is because shes afraid or just doesn't want people to know the real her, can't tell.

I actually did my confirmation at around 16-18 with her as a church leader and spent two more years trying it out and really trying to get into it but I had too many critical question that no one could ever even try and answer so I left, without any proof there's no rational reason to believable shit. Sorry if Im being overly negative about religion btw but you probably understand me.

Without Christ my sis would probably have been on a completely different path today, one I'd probably not like so much if her old friends lifes are anything to go by.

But I cant shake the feeling of never having met my sister, like I said and that shit is so ass.

>>34626874
Your right but also not really.

I get it if you don't feel like reading it all tho.

Cheers

>>34624002
wtf is that cat real??

>>34624002
>Avid church attendant since 13-14
>First kid at 32
Just what the fuck was she doing for 20 years that was so important for her to put off her primary calling under God as a bearer of children?

>>34626926
I guess she had a shitty time trying to connect to potential a partner. Good question tho. Lack of self confidence maybe? Maybe her demands were too big. She never talked to me about her dates but I know through mom (who she turn to instead, makes some sense) that none of her dates were that successful.

She met her current husband in 2018 the same weekend he ended his previous 5 year relationship - he's also a certified priest and they live in a "priest-house" today adjacent to his church out on the country side.

This is a big part o the reason for me to create this thread, I've never understood her but I want to. Just how to get there, if at all possible.

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>>34626859
>>34626876
Your sister to me doesn't seem outright venomous. Which is great... You know, is she typically stubborn? Quiet? Opinionated? You know de-prioritization may have a nasty clash with someone that never gets told "no" I figure.

Another side to consider is that beyond her authentic self sits the outward persona that views emotional vulnerability as a significant weakness and chooses not to partake due to internal foundations of integrity. With that, being able to confide in elements of pure faith and be comforted by a largely supported belief system you could theoretically brainwash yourself into thinking you're bullet proof against any oppositional challenges of belief or perspective.

Inner integrity is manufactured by metabolizing your suffering into an internal compass that will cement your pathway through life. Very hard to dismantle this type of inner domain if someone built it alone inside themselves.

You seem to have enough patience to hold paradox which shows that you are of an elevated intellectual nature. You also express vibrant sensitivity... You and I are not so different. Have you thought about you just being too deep and sensitive that most people seem like shells because they can't mirror the extension of your soul?

Some are just not able to navigate the depths others can. For some it's extreme psychological pressure to process your emotions without being overcome or manipulated subconciously by them. It's easier for most to bury things and run with what you do have control over.

Speaking of burying things, do you think your lack of memory in the early years is blacked out from trauma? Or do you just have poor memory(no offense)?
I've talked to other people that can't remember things from their past on a lot of occasions. Myself, I remember things from when I was 3 and this shit happened 40 years ago, so it's hard for me to distinguish if other people have poor memory or trauma black out.

>>34626977
I cant put it into words but thank you so, so much for taking your own time to write me back. I've had a hard time connecting to people because of the way i reflect on things, most people tap out quickly. So I appreciate it more than you know.

In hindsight it's highly possible that she does see it as a weakness, never thought of it that way, but her instinctively way of telling me every time that "you should go see a professional" after unloading something challenging or hard in my life. Which does have a certain tone to it of "get better yourself".

She isint venomous. Your right. Shes very quiet, stubborn and sometimes, when she feels like it, when she feels like chipping in she's very opinionated, in a way that is unshakable - which also is a quality of a very conservative world view. Which she actually told me proudly that she is, very conservative.

Its silly that I could t just tell her "No" in person when she snapped, but I felt a innate sense of "get the hell away from her" as soon as it happened, as I wont tolerate being disrespected, especially without earning it which I promise you I didnt. She felt it justified to just snap at me that day and I cant find my self explaining this to her now. Im stuck.

I have zero plans of not living my life to the very end and thanks to being very well on my own I find it easy to let it breathe. Just that my mind has been wandering around for weeks now trying to manufacture something that conveys my concerns, boundaries and hopes for the future.

Ive already been on her before about her lack of sens to ever apologize for anything.
But still, now, she hasnt even asked me anything, just been on my about now texting her back and that its sad that Im reacting the way I am.

I've been ransacking myself since turning 20 about understanding that I dont know shit and that systems that have been in place "forever" doesnt have to stay just because, especially if they're not up to date or serve anyone anything good.

>>34626977
I have thought about it, her being interested or able to dig deep and talk about it out loud.

We've had that discussion and he and mo mom both convinced me to back off from that as none of them appreciated it. I guess both of them are deadly afraid of growth it feels like.

But this is about her just being a dick and never taking responsibility how it affect people, really, I feel like. I guess some would say that she stand up for her self and has clear boundaries, but they're almost always at different intervals which makes my pattern-recognition brain throw a fit - there's no real pattern except for when she tired - but that goes for the most of us.

My being around them makes my old insecurities, and the current ones still handing around, to flare up tho. I dont think they see it that way that I'm not pestering them for fun, but because Ive felt alone in out family since I became 20 just because It feels like mine and their brains came from different, not necessarily more well off either, country.

My lack of memory is 100% because of some form of trauma. I live and extremely dopamine driven life back then which still is in place, which I desperately want and need to leave behind.

Mom worked at a supermarket and brought how candy every day to me, so I sat at my desk with my pc playing games and having fun, up until i turned 15, at which I weighted my ever max at around 280lbs, zero muscles.

I moved to dads and imidietaly started to learn and take care of my self and lost over 50lbs which help me tremendously. There a lot more but yeah.

I ultimately think my biggest trauma comes from just being left alone. No one asking how school went, no one asking what I'd like become better at.

Also, because of the upbringing both me and my sis had, we NEVER had any curfews or deadlines when to be back home - mostly because my mom didnt care but also because I never left the house.

>>34626977
Also the fact that I've garnered a few insecurities from my mom that I've every day since been trying to get rid of as they dont serve me any good whatsoever.

I remember being a cool kid at very young, getting girls, being the leader of my class and stuff but then all of this happened.

How was your upbringing, if you remember so much? If you dont mind me asking?

You seem very attuned to the same line I take about Christianity being something not for us it sounds like - have you had your own journey there too?

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>>34627009
Yeah, you're right, people do tap out way too fucking easy. That's why I live by being the change I want to see in the world. Anyway, it is my pleasure, really. I'm just happy to perhaps help. Especially realizing now that you're so young that can make things a little more complicated. Technically you're not even a fully developed human being through no fault of your own. That's just science, now I can tell you my head was an absolute mess at that age so it's very hard to be clear minded when everything is still so confusing.

I hate to seem rude but do you feel that maybe you're being overly sensitive to a bad day for her? She could've just being going through some shit, on her period, with a headache, etc that made her just overly assert herself unapologetically? Women are very emotional creatures and are typically capable enough to maintain control when necessary. That kind of emotional leakage would come from pressure if she's typically quiet and occasionally strongly opinionated.

If you're her little brother I can see how it would be a lesser of two evils way of justifying the mistreatment of another person due to elements of familiarity alone. I actually have bullied my brother as a child due to my anger issues being unprocessed in my youth so I feel like I can relate to some extent. My brother and I are beyond that now though. I had to realize my treatment was wrong and why I did it before I could come to terms.

Your sister telling you to suck it up seems like her translation of "I had to deal with it, you can too, I'm not here to help because I have my own shit to deal with, also Jesus". Which, to me is a colder version of tough love because her inability to relate to your perspective may vary well be her unwavering conviction to emotional reservation. Some women look at men that express too much as weak, especially where it's actively stigmatized by society. Along with traditional values and the religious angle it could be mere misperception.

>>34627044
You're consistently on point, we do share similar thoughts. The fuck are you located, I'd buy you a beer in a heartbeat haha

And you could be right. I could've gone to redcon 5 when all it was just a faulty sensor.

Still I find my self torn as I'm not sure how here inability to even try and be the bigger person her self is pissing me off and, like Ive said, if i ever saw this pattern in new people I try to get to know I'd just leave, immediately.

I truly feel like if I'm the one to bridge the gap that she'll just learn that I never will stand my ground and that she, again and again, never can do any harm to anyone.

I feel like shit sometime too, trust me, but I never let it out on her in any way. I leave if I feel like shit, I dont decompress on others. Like you said, be the change you want to see. It brilliantly said.

Also becoming the person you needed yourself at a young age is another classic. It's just frustrating trying to get stuck people to widen their perspectives.

About my age I'm still too young, I felt like since 31 I've grown tremendously as I've learned to say no, have boundaries and actually believable in my self for once. I started studying to become an electrician since half a year ago. Best decision Ive done in recent memory.

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>>34627025
>>34627029
As none toxic as it may sound being disregarded and neglected can create feelings of inadequacy, low self image, loss of identity, etc if left to fester for extensive amount of time.

Your mom seemed to have cared enough for you to at least pacify you with sweets and let you jam out on technology. That shows a degree of care. I mentioned you and I being alike. My upbringing a bit like yours. Mom raised us, typically very intoxicated, alcoholic binges that would last days. She'd pass out in her computer chair after drinking for hours, wake up and start drinking again. A lot of beligerance and arguing with slurred speech. Watching her puke her guts out in the toilet because she would wake me up in the middle of the night vomiting.

Dad never around. You were told yours worked for days, well mine worked, but loved drugs, partying and fucking other women than my mom. She was such an alcoholic doormat she let it happen without saying a word. When he was home he would verbally abuse me and make fun of me for being over weight. This was acceptable by most of society actually as this was the 90s, really zero support.

When parents were together they would take my brother and I around 10yrs old and go to the bar to get shit faced while my brother and I waited outside the bar for hours. In Oregon children weren't allowed into bars so they told us to stay outside.

There's other stupid shit, growing up in a trailer out in the woods, drunken fights, cocain on mirrors laying around but in regards to being lonely. I've felt that way my entire fucking life.

I hate to say it but it's something that's never gone away. I walk with it, more comfortable now, but to this day I feel it. My parents never tried to build me up or planned any future. They didn't give a fuck about how I felt. At age 8 my anger issues were so bad teachers were scared of me. I tried to stab another child in the face with a pair of scissors in the library in the third grade. (cont...)

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>>34627192
I've been through a lot, and well, if I'm being 100% I did it all on my own. Spent decades depressed, alcoholic, drugs, suicidal, porn addiction. Its been a journey.

I grew up angry at the world, my friend. And my family. I got tired of it all and started studying psychology to fix what I thought was my broken brain, then use it to get back at humanity for all this mistreatment but I digress.

I came to realize what I am, why I am how I am, and what gifts and responsibilities I can bring to the world.

Now, with that being said there are just some uncomfortable truths and realities that need to exist regardless of how bitter they will leave you feeling. You may not realize it but you will have to deal with these things as they are and accept that sometimes they won't get better. The person won't understand. They won't give a fuck about how you feel, or who you are, or how your struggle is just as important as theirs. It's a nasty black pill to swallow but it really is a cold world out there,you just have to make it better by being better and sometimes doing that is doing the hardest thing.

You said you wanted to be heard, understood, and reciprocated which is something I very much identify with. It's not ideal but coming to terms with this is very existentially dreadful but will hopefully give you capacity for others.

If I were you I would write what I intend to say and make clear to her in regards to feelings, relative experiences, boundaries, expectations and compassion. Make it clear, concise and to the point without emotional fluff but don't limit your feelings too much. Get it all out and let her have it. Mail it, speak it, write a fucking song about it, but let her know and then follow up with you detaching.

Ugly as it may sound, when things are left to a story of finality or ultimatum of forces the other to either reflect or react and through this filter introspection will take growth or the apathetic truth will show itself.

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>>34627080
You reserve your feelings too? Yeah, maybe you share my personality type. Do you know your sisters personality type? That can give you insights that you may have has misperceptions about. Once I came to realize my personality type everything clicked for me in a lot of ways. I'm talking about meyers briggs categorization.

I'm out in AZ now and I appreciate your sentiments on the beer. You seem like a pretty good person that is just trying to make sense of needless suffering.

With the detachment I mentioned comes silence. Often silence has an effect on the brain because the human imagination will create shadows that make things worse forcing us to either confront or ignore. If you state how you feel and give her the silence to reflect about it with time this will give you enough data to move forward with certainty because if right now the relationship is stuck on some sort of emotional inertia that doesn't mean it can't be nourished later. Some situations need to be given time to evolve at their own pace and you have to be patient even if it's painful.

>>34627241
Not sure where to begin, except at do you feel like you've landed into yourself today? Like some form of "fully" feeling? For example, do you ever feel the need, today, to be seen as I'm asking for being seen here? Or do you have a better grip on your patterns and all? And if so, when did it happen to you?

I know you cant compare and expect to be like someone else but i vividly remember turning 26 and just feeling fresh air filling my lungs, being much more calm and considerate I feel like.

I heard that anxiety and pressure never goes away - you only get better at handling the pressure and feelings.

Did you finish the psychology path btw?

I will text her and tell her my view and leave it at that. I cant keep letting my self get hijacked by this shit anymore.

Another thing regarding our moms. I have this thing thats in the way of me actually liking my mom and its accountability. That shit does grow on trees and I've never heard her utter any words in that direction, like ever. Gonna guess she never was apologized to as smaller.

One time I was invited to a gathering with my mom and two of her work colleagues at one of the friends place. Mom got so drunk that when one of her friends puked in the bathroom (my mom rarely drinks so this is a one off) my mom basically got mad at her and shouting from the kitchen to the bathroom "stop wanting all the attention".

I was just there for an hour or so as I hade a "layover" there ojn the way to somewhere else.
But that day fucked my view up of my mom.
Is that who she really is, underneeth?
You know the best thing are kids, drunk and angry people - the all will tell you the hones truth, seither you want it or not.

But something small like that made me resent me. And I cant really get over it, I kind of dont want to either as I've detached years ago.

You said something about her being able to provide me with tech, which is very true and its a valid view and point. She tried for me. I was happy then.

>>34627266
I genuinley would be where I am today, which is miles better off than previus years, because I've hade the mentality that I can always learn something from anyone. Like an endless learning phase. I truly feel too alone in my family as this is what I like talking about, but no one else. I know that my biggest challenge in life will be to bealive that peaople actually wants me around, and that I can voice my opinions without people clocking out mentally (which acutely insecure peope, I guess, like us back in the day learned to read people from) and leave me with a "STOP" sign in my own head.

Im afraid some days that I'll never be able to shake my isolation/lone wolf way of being, rest of my family is the same - deep insecurities all around.

I truly feel like I dont come off as a bother today like I did before, but i honestly havent met more than maybe two people like me in my life. Putting even more load on my isolated mind.

I come out of my shell a couple of times a year when I feel down (this is one of those episodes) but even tho Im in the middle of fixing the pain my brain sometimes kind of shuts off my need to reach out and be around people as it thinks "your ok by yourself, go back" and I truly feel "better" - but I think its my sub consious trying to trick me from breaking free from old molds.

Dude I smoke weed like a lunatic because its the only this that sooths my thoughts. Just got of a 2 month every-day kind of stint. Already starting to feel better but I know my patterns - it'll be a couple of months and I'll have another "I'm bored" trip and buy wee again or I'll just isolate myself again.

Like I never feel like I want to reach out to my senpai as they've never understood me and me them.

So meeting new people I always am aware of how much Im coming off as, instead of cont..

Could you define how to reserve my feelings? You mean like stay neutral until I know all the data point I need to make and decision in something? Or towards someone?

>>34627293
Instead of literally just being present and park any doubts at the door and take care of them IF they ever appear.

I desperately need to talk to a professional,have needed to for 12 years now, but everytime I feel close to going my brain tells itself that "Im good, theres no need".

I feel it in my soul that I'm running with old software and that its keeping me from reaching reasonable heights when it comes to shedding layers of heavy, sweaty and dirty laundry off my back.

being good at self medicating is a bitch tho. How did you handle friends around my age?

And how is your relationship with your mom/dad today, given that they're still here?

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>>34627080
I recognize a lot of traits on people I'm not fond of either. I used to resent humanity for being so shallow, and malicious. You make the right choice by maintaining your peace by separating from them. I don't typically waste time on people like that but I'm open to anyone having potential to being a decent person. I try and see the best in people because I already can see the worst and I know we can all be better if we work for it. That's why I accept people even if I don't like them. Psychology suggests that what makes us uncomfortable about others is something we're not comfortable with in ourselves. I believe I mentioned this earlier.

I understand your feelings of aggravation. I really do. It's hard to accept that some people will be stuck in their ways. My wife is like that. She operates in a way that I just can't fucking hey on board with and I actively argue with her about it. She'll never change, she won't see my side. We stay together to be there for the kids but what I'm saying is that I know her way of thinking is unfavorable, I would even wager ignorant, but I respect her as a person and if she operates that way I can't change it, I can only make sure it reasonably stays maintained to where it's not consuming how I operate. The more you can allow yourself to be comfortable with people's differences, the more you can give yourself permission to be at peace. Your sister surely cares about you enough, perhaps you should just remind her that it's okay to be the easy she is and the reason you try so hard is because you do just really care and want her to know it's okay to care too without having to be judged for expressing that vulnerability. Even if it's not reciprocated at least you will move forward without regret knowing you did what you could and that sometimes it takes more than just one man and the belief it will get better to achieve a desired effect.

>>34624002
Titty twister.

>>34627302
Your second paragraph really took the wind out of me. Its so right.

My attempts at showing her through words and actions how to open up and not to be afraid of being judge is exactly what Ive been doing but not consciously.

Its this balance of sticking up for your self and your own need and keeping another person close but not too close, as they'll leave.

Its like Icarus, man. I will never be able to get what I truly yearn for with her. Closeness without masks. The infuriating thing is that I've tried for years to tell her ALL my stories about my self and how I view the world and events in a attempt to lure her out of her cage but she never bites.

I feel anger today as that my base line. To give people what I never had - attention and love.
But today I feel like I dont want to speak a word to her next time I see her expect speak about the shallow things he wants to speak about - because Ive given so much and have gotten zero back.

Its a loop - a loop that will never fully close.

Regarding your wife, did you know about her views and thought before hand that you got a kid together?
Was you respect for her own voice that great to over shadow the friction that couldve shown itself?

About kids.... My dad had to extra with another woman whe I was around 8. Because they moved away with their mom the connection to my dad that they had vanished - they talked every week once maybe. They didnt even turn up to his funeral, even tho me and sis offered to pick them up and drive them 7 hours back to the venue and that they would have to spend a dime - they said no.

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>>34627293
>>34627298
Mental illness is so stigmatized that most everyone feels bad or inferior for even considering it. I was the same way, I sought therapy because I got extra suicidal again. Things were so bad I was actually convinced that my two young children would be better off if I were literally dead.
The treatment didn't help... I was actually uncomfortable with the 7 appointments I went to before I told her I'm good. I've always handled shit on my own and it's strange to give someone else the ball when it's my fucking court.
That's just my person experience. I would implore you to talk to someone if you can. It will help a little because they can give you professionally backed information that can really help you. Either that or go autodidactic like me and do your own research and shadow work. Look up sigma infj and see if you can relate. You seem like you could fit the label. If it's accurate it should confirm that it's typical to feel misunderstood and lonely. I've been rejected by society my entire life for reasons I really can't understand.

They're also prone to reserving their emotions. They, we, us, whatever. We don't react immediately, we absorb emotion and process it later. Can seem stoic at times. That's what I meant... You said you don't decompress on others. I don't either. I hold it and deal with it in private.

Didn't have many friends. I was so insecure and anxiety stricken that I couldnt comfortably get along with most of was too quiet/shy. I was doing a lot of drugs then. Meth was also on the menu around those days, long crazy disgusting nights. I would just hang out with my girlfriend. We lived together. She eventually destroyed my heart after 12 years together, ghosted me. That's a whole other can of worms.

Anyway, I told my mom that I respected her still taking care of all us kids but that she still fucked up and she needs to know that as well as I do. (Continuing in next post)

>>34627356
And ever since how I've seen my dad failed relationship with the other two I've been handicapped into thinking that every woman just wanted to fuck my life up by getting pregnant with my ids and just making my life a real mess.

I honestly cant think of a single more heart wrenching thought than making a kid with another person and not giving him or her unconditional love and attention. Like, I literally cant understand that.

Of course its a bit of a course correction from my own past but wth man - he fucked up so bad the kids didnt even want to say goodbye to him.

I digress. You have multiple valid points.
My patience isint there, yet, to accept everyone and not to get riled up when people dont act like Id like them to do.

Not sure if you have any data on differences between countries but I live in Sweden and we as a people have our base line at not even talking to our neighbors in the hallway even.
But i'll hazard a guess that our mentality does play a part in this mess, too.

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>>34627364
She accepted she fucked up and we moved on. I would've been fine if she denied it, I would've just turned my back. She is still emotionally distant which I accept because she actually had a horrid childhood and I don't fault her for her ways. The relationship is good. With my father, I've always kept him at arms length, I actually haven't really connected to him since about a couple years ago. Before that he was more of a random friend I would talk to sometimes. I still don't call him dad often despite our relationship improving. He's still an old man stuck in his ways, emotionally unintelligent, selfish, easily upset, obnoxious, loud, rude, disrespectful, emotionally and verbally abusive. He will never change. I have become a better man than him in every sense of the phrase and without his help of raising me so he holds no authority over me whatsoever and I've made that very clear with him, sometimes aggressively on occasion. I refuse to have someone disturb my peace that I worked to create and that is just how it is.

I'm still studying psychology because there's always more to know. I'm still working on myself and once I've mastered my realm I will undoubtedly branch out. It's just a hobby and a way for me to expand my awareness.

>>34627407
Have you heard the quote "your dad is the only person in the world that wants to see you do better than him".

I think of it sometimes. I think in both of our cases our dads got stuck in the mud and was never able to get out, or dared to even try or even knew they could.

Sorry if Im intruding, but did you know that you wanted kids your whole life? Or how did you go about?

I have a fear that I want kids because that what we've been taught since early age - but I also really want to give a kid the life I never had and just ooze love into them every chance I get.
Its hard tho as I do realize that my kids will hate me for different reasons haha bit atleast I wont hid behind a mask of shame to actually be able to mend things and actually listen to them and guide them gather their own thought about the world.

One thing that pissed me off with my sis was the day that My niece wanted me to read a church book to her. Its such a silly thing for me to complain about, but brain washing a fucking kid into thinking the devil will get her if she doesnt pray and live a good enough life.

What really happened to common sense and critical thinking, man?

My brother in law, the priest, once told me he turned to the church as he didnt believable in his own ability to take care of and guide himself in life, basically. Is this, on top of an emotional unavailable mom, what is waiting for my niece?

I'll have to show her the world later on when shes older, and I know that it isnt my kid so my opinion doesnt matter, but that shit lit me up. Never said anything as its pointless.

>>34627407
You're doing the lords (lol) work continuing your work. I hope its going well for you!
You have any idea where you wanna end up later on? Also how old were you? You said 41 before, is that right?

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>>34627373
You're from Sweden? Nice, I figured you were from the US like me. People are like that here too in America. There's no human connection anymore especially with phones now and the media keeping everyone afraid of everything.

Your dad may have skewed your perception but don't let it define your approach. You see, women... Women is a different subject because they have their own internal psychology due to emotional depths, societal expectations, pressures, cultural implications. But they're all still human, and thusly we operate more or less the same. Being in a relationship with someone typically shares the idea that one another completed the other, or two halves, blah blah. The reality is the perfect relationship agent two halves, they're two whole pieces unified. Most people lack that emotional sovereignty so they depend on the other to bring them joy. This can create problems.

How you enter into a relationship defines it. Don't let perceptions of others or fathers change how you operate.

Lol you asked for data? Brother... I feel the need to let you know that this is all hypothesis and I'm just a middle aged ex addict high school drop out that came back from the grave. I have no data, just my mind. Take everything here with a grain of salt, I'm just trying to provide perspective and help give clarity. Which by what you say is helping a little and for this I am over joyed.

You mentioned pattern recognition earlier? I meant to respond to that but I can't find it. I am very good at it if that's what you're asking. Trauma forged infj are fucking professional pattern identifiers.

Sad to hear about the father though. Kids didn't even give a fuck but you reap what you sow. Some people agent cut out to be parents. What's worse is they continue abusive cycles when they're the only ones who can stop them. That's why I never shame my children for being who they want to be out how they look, because I was there and I didn't fucking like it.

Oh, and I do unload on people!

I do it to a degree that people turn off their brains because they cant relate at all, I feel like.

Its like an infected circle - I feel down because feeling alone, end up meeting someone and "boring" them with what brings me down.

Its like talking about your problems is bad, even tho your actively just trying to understand it all.

Reading up on Sigma INFJ rn.

Also, I'm real happy for you for standing up to both your parents and managing having them still in your life on terms that fits you, too.

Even tho you dad obviously did you bad in alot of ways, please give him a hug next time you see him.

Also, do you have any tips on how to start feeling like spoiling yourself is worth it?

I find myself doing things sometimes, like taking a solo road trip, but I always think that I'd enjoy it much, much more with a partner with me. Like my self isnt enough. And that whenever I reach some point in the trip I promptly turn back and bolts back home. Never truly enjoying the views or moments. Maybe its a survival mechanism Ive read about, not living but survining instead?

>>34627478
Except for the part where I safe gurd my inner thought until someone is insied my cirkle would be the only thing I do today but that I want to stop doing. Otherwise it was a spot of match. Funny that.

I gotta sleep early so I'm clocking out but feel free to write as much as you care to, I'll read it all over and over again.

If nothing else man, you're a real good person, just so you know. Even tho youve seen and felt shit you still try and wake the light in others, and that my friend, is the highest form of love.

I'll be back tomorrow if you're up for it.

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>>34627438
I've heard that. It's fairly common to say that all parents what their children to be better than they are but I chalk that up to another cop out saying like love thy neighbor, or treat others how you want to be treated. People preach that all day but then yell at each other, instigate fights, act rude, disrespectful, selfish. It's a joke... A sad one at that.

You're not intruding! Usually people don't really care so I don't volunteer information typically. I'm a loner that doesn't usually come outside of their shell either, like you mentioned, but part of my growth lately has been putting myself in situations that are uncomfortable for me so I can get better and at ease with me being vulnerable.

Basically, yeah I knew I'd be a good dad since I was young. I wanted kids but the idea was scary because it's huge. I didn't have a plan. My wife, I got with her while I was a nightly black out alcoholic addicted to opiates. I was confused, sad, lonely. She was a friend of a friend that got me up on Facebook for a fuck session. We started talking and with her being an authentic person like me, we clicked on that regard. We rushed into a relationship, she had a 1yr old from another guy, real scum bag, left this kid to do drugs, be homeless and chase grateful dead concerts, begging for change across the country(literally). Then I had my daughter a few years later. My only blood child and I wouldn't take it back for anything. Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs but also the most rewarding.

Is in our nature to birth children, and you could say raising them in a world like this is terrible, insensitive, and foolish. Trivial even. I strongly disagree. I wonder if the peasants and farmers felt the same way before good men and women were birthed that changed history for the better of humanity.

It's a big choice and you give your life up for the children. I never would have gotten with my wife if I had the clarity I do now. I was filling a void.

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>>34627459
Hah... Yeah, you're an intense one. A lot of people are put off by that, I know. Most people just can't, or rather, choose not to process the information. I learned that early on so I usually keep things to myself. I'm fairly gifted with language, humor, and wit so I can make points or inject information into words that go under the radar but still get my point across without exposing myself. I'll usually wait to do this after I've gathered psychological data on whoever my receiver is by letting them do all the talking. People like to talk if you let them, they reveal a lot about themselves if you just give them the space.

Anyway, being comfortable with spoiling yourself? Hm... Not sure about that one. I feel like that comes from a comfortable place inside. Have you given yourself permission to take time for yourself for reflection? Boundaries aren't just for others. They're also lines to where you can allow yourself to go. It's incredibly important to maintain periods of reflection in solitude. I know you're not religious but even Jesus needed to spend time alone. This is not a unique requirement, it's a necessity to prevent emotional burnout or overload.

You say you do things while solitary but yearn for another to share the experience with, well that's going to be a difficult requirement to fill if I'm being honest. As you said, and I can confirm through my lived experience of 43 years that people like you and I aren't usual which is unfortunate so it's a needle in a haystack situation, sadly. I am still waiting for that person that's going to ride with me on a level I can be related to and grow with them as a person while supporting them. Would be phenomenal but I patiently wait, knowing that when it does happen it's going to be absolute magic. I wouldn't say to be disheartened by this but to identify with what you really want from it and don't sacrifice your standards for what you're seeking and in time you'll receive what you deserve.

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>>34627523
Thank you so much for your kind words! It actually means a lot to me. I enjoy talking to you, and I'm not scared of your expression. You're literally the only person I've ever talked to on these boards and I've lurked since 05. They say things happen for a reason, maybe that's stupid to believe in. Maybe it's just truth being stranger then fiction. Either way, I think you're a special one too and it hurts me to see that you're in pain over the dysfunction of relatives. I do hope that in time things will resolve in a positive light.

I feel the same as you in regards to your niece. Forcing organized religion on children can have a positive impact on some ways but it does remove critical thinking and reinforces tribal mentality, meaning that if at some point they have uncomfortable opinions or feelings that go against the consensus belief they will be forced to supress those feelings leading to adverse consequences and behavior.

Remember when I mentioned my wife and I not sharing the same operation? Well she would rather the children be perpetuated a lie to blend with society. I reject this way of parenting, teaching, whatever you want to call it. I have vastly unpopular opinions and I know they can contradict the mainstream world so I don't heavily project my beliefs onto anyone, but! Although they are young now, continue to maintain a good healthy relationship with them. I wouldn't partake in glamorizing the religion while they're young.
I opt to be honest and accurate with questions or bits of information. Instead of agreeing that you'll burn for your sins I will tell them the in arguable truth that this belief system has a book that was written by men over the period of a very long time. That nobody really knows what happens when we die, and that we should still exhibit the positive teachings of Christ because to be kind is to be whole. I would try to be a lot more subtle that what I indicated but it's how I balance fallacy with truth.

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>>34627669
If I'm forced to be in an environment that contradicts how I feel I will be respectful but I'm going to do it while metaphorically holding a mirror to what it really is. Yeah, okay, Jesus is great. Love and all that, but men are liars and cheaters. They wrote a book over millennia, revised it countless times. It's been used for cruelty, punishment, murder. Priests use it to forgive themselves for corrupting children that fucking trusted them. Deplorable, so I'll not act like it's the lie it's dressed as but I would implore one to at least regard the realities of what you're actually implanting onto a hyper absorbant mind.
I have very personal feelings about this as well. So I say maintaining the relationship will foster trust and connection with the child. Be lightly honest with them, don't just say what they believing in is wrong, help them understand the truth if you do so desire. If mom has an issue with honesty and accuracy then perhaps you're not the best person to be reading these books to her, a situation that you seem to detest. In time she'll grow to trust you more and as she gets older you'll be able to give her larger, accurate pieces of information if she's open to it which she more likely will be if you maintain that connection. If you want to help break the mold that's how I aim to do it with my kids, as I'm doing now. They can believe Santa Claus is real and the president is a great guy or whatever the lie of the week is and I'm just going to plant seeds until I can fully open their eyes. This may perhaps work for you as well while you navigate your comfort with translating something you don't align with.

Really though, all of this hints at you mastering your emotional realm most of all, my brother. I think it's commendable to feel so strongly about particular injustices but to allow it to bother you so much that it sends you into emotional frenzy for weeks tells me you need to direct some questions inward instead of outward.

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>>34627523
Its actually been a real pleasure helping you overthink this shit and I appreciate your kindness. I would like to stay connected with you if you so choose. I made an email you can use at cemetarot@proton.me

I'm glad I could shed some light on some things for you. It was sort of cathartic for me to help so it's been mutually beneficial. Anyway, hit me up, man! If I never talk to you again just know it's been a real pleasure and I hope everything works out for you.

>>34624002
get really into church yourself and be better than her at it

>>34628879
holding grudges against your sister at 30 over minor infractions is really petty and homosexual