i was molested very badly as a toddler. i remember it like a vivid dream with ever changing details. my body still has physical reminders. i am, naturally, fucked in the head. my life worsened it, had no friends, got bullied, got groomed online to a degree. i've spent most of my life being neglected and abused by people who should love me and comforted and soothed by blatant pedophiles. i don't know how to rewrite how i see the world. i know where to look to find awful things online. there's pedophile forums full of people asking for illegal things and posting loli hentai and so on. these forums keep being taken down and new ones pop up, and i just happen to be good at finding them. i'm addicted. not to kids, i don't have any interest in them, in pedophiles. i miss them. i loathe them but its intoxicating. the horrible things they say. the ruining of perfect little things like i used to be. the sick ideas of it being an act of beauty. i want to talk to them and be around them.i don't know how to stop this. i can't tell anybody. its hard to control myself when its one URL away and i hate myself, so every time i feel sick its vindicating. if i ever get bad enough, i'll be able to kill myself justifiably. something to look forward to. i want to die. i think i'm secretly a monster. how do i find even a shred of hope of being human. is there a point or should i just die.
damn for sure some trauma. how old are you?
Start reporting those forums to police
>>34631801Have you actually tried therapy?
>>34631801Get counselling and perhaps therapy from someone who specializes in PTSD
give me a contact and i'll fix you
>>34631801>i know where to look to find awful things online.You seem quite naive for someone who was raped kek
>>34631801Make a r0bl0x account and pretend to be bait for pedos, that will get you through life
>>34631801you have been horrendously broken and i feel so sorry for you, don't write this off because it;s religion but the concept of sin really helps. knwo what is sinful and resist it. you yearn for goodness still, there is a flame still alight inside you or you would not be posting. find jesus, find the church, it may take a while to find a good priest or therapist, especially in america where you have fake christianity, go to a catholic church.you must go to war against this evil, make it your purpose and you will find life.
>>34632027>Start reporting those forums to policethats a good thing to do if they come across it, but they're already in a bad mental state. they shouldn't worry about these things.
>>34632151therapists have betrayed me too. i have a new one but i havent been able to trust her enough to talk about this.
>>34632289This.>>34631801dontlookatthecafeAdd me
>>34632289>>34633403i was raised in a church. you can understand how religion is a poisoned well at this point.
>>34633539NTA but this is what Jesus had to say about people who hurt children: If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.Matthew 18:6I can't imagine the pain you must be going through so I understand if you are not prepared to go to Church but I believe Christ can be found even within oneself if you sincerely try to reach Him, Teresa of Avila a famous Saint said that in order to reach God one needs to practice self-knowledge, try to know thyself and let the light of God reveal who you are beneath the shadows that surround you
>>34633576he was using children as a metaphor for newly converted christians, and was talking about them being led astray from the faith. that verse was not about protecting children. i was a pastor's kid. i know the verse.
>>34633787True but Jesus spoke in parables, I believe you can receive the message in a way where He is also talking about kids. True, He was talking about people who just converted to the faith but He said they shall become kids in order to enter the Kingdom of HeavenWhat I'm trying to say is that spiritually a child and a new christian should be no different, and whoever tries to cause such an innocent creature harm should be thrown into the ocean. So yes, Jesus was talking about New converts but He said they should aspire to be like kids, so the point is that whoever harms the innocent and pure will be punished
>>34633787>>34633839But my point is that you are innocent and you didn't derserve none of the things that have happened to youIn that verse Jesus used a child as an example when it comes to the spiritual state one should reach, and those monsters did horrible things to a defenseless kid, it doesn't matter if they went to Church or knew about Jesus, demons know about Jesus too, so don't let them lead you astray from following Christ
>>34633853>>34633853Sorry I forgot to attach picrel
>>34631801It's probably evident just by the sheer amount of hentai out there with rape and loli probably being about the top filters of them all but many people are depraved at least in their fantasies. -or likewise have rape fantasies despite never being abused, craving bad things to happen to them for one complex or another. Obviously the trauma that has warped you is on another level, the agony pulling your mind around to different places all to disgust and hate yourself, I can't imagine. I'm a (generously-described) barely functioning person with perversion being my only fixation in life too. Me, I'm an autistic bastard like so many others in this tragedy of a world. Life could have been devastatingly worse like you got but as far as I'm concerned I was damaged from the start, subhuman, of the worse 50% of people on this planet at minimum surely.Not that I'd steer you away from any avenue of comfort but I'm betting the Christian sentiment overtaking this thread is the last shit you want to hear (well, unless your mind has skipped ahead to jaded imagery of the church's reputationprotecting their own rapists, I guess that's par for the course). I know it's gibberish to me. I want to offer you the opposite outlook. You are here with everyone else who have some unflattering or unfortunate angle of existence down to their core, even the evil people who hurt you are a cosmic misfortune to be born with their inclination and eventual role to be evil (if not having abuse in their own lives). Nothing in this world was supposed to happen, you are not a monster for the curse you're bearing even if it feels like that's the nature of things, like you were transformed. There are no monsters, it's fanciful language. You were hurt, crippled even. You want to write yourself off to explain how you act but you're justifying the inhumane treatment you got to begin with. If I wanted to force a reference to Berserk of it then what you are is a struggler like Guts.
>>34631801>BOOHOO, SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED, IT'S ALL MY FAULTNigger, You're full of shit, you don't know what truth is anymore so you spout half truths and conform to them.You need to start separating past and what's left in your hands to choose. You should start doing good things to others so you learn what good is, instead of calling so to comforting things. You will never change how you feel if you don't act with agency in your life.Go to a fucking therapist and a psychiatrist, you're the intended population of all those interventions.
>>34633787Your dad's interpretation is clearly incomplete
>>34634095>nigger go get a therapistIt's like 4chan and Reddit had a baby. Also if you actually read you'd have understood he's had multiple. Have you ever even been to a therapist? That's the fucking lottery (where you always lose big money) of getting even decent help (mostly just as if it's some fucking guy lending you an ear rather than a professional supporting your condition) for as little time they afford you scheduled in a week in your mental shambles of a life.
>>34634081>cosmic misfortune to be born with their inclination and eventual role to be evil>nothing in this world was supposed to happenI myself am steeped in despair and self-hatred, so I understand the emotions that may fuel such views... but this is just defeatism. Life is full of misery, but it is also full of beauty. We are not 'victims' to reality - we are active participants that can make real, meaningful choices that alter the trajectories of our lives. OP didn't choose to suffer the way he did, nor did he choose to struggle with this horrible sexual dysfunction, but he can choose to try to heal. He can choose to refuse his urges. He can choose to try to reclaim the parts of himself that were taken from him through temperance and faith.>There are no monsters, it's fanciful language.Respectfully, I disagree. The human monster knowingly and willingly places his most immediate, carnal desires above all creation. The father who rapes his daughter is a monster. The mother who murders her son is a monster. The men and women who walk the earth and only see walking cuts of meat and toys for sexual gratification instead of the vulnerable and the innocent are monsters. Though God offers redemption to everyone, the term 'monster' is certainly applicable to the people that abused OP. I'm sorry that you feel that the Church is a sham - I used to feel the same way. I won't debate theology with you, but I ask that you and OP pray just once. You don't need to do anything special. Just talk to Him. Tell God your struggles, share your anger and doubt with Him. If you don't believe in God, say it in your prayer. Be honest. If you feel no different afterwards - so be it. If you're thinking to yourself right now, "fuck you anon, you don't know me or what I've been through," you'd be justified in feeling that way. I don't know you or your unique struggles - but I do know that God loves you. God loves OP. I hope you both find peace in Him some day.
>>34632501Everybody needs something meaningful to do
>>34634632the website is hosted in japan and is legal by their laws.>>34634589i prayed while it happened. the men mocked me and mocked god. nobody came.>>34634081there are monsters. we are who we choose to be every day. i have been hurt but nobody makes me look up these things. my actions are mine. i just want to stop.
>>34634798It doesnt make you special that you know this shit bro, just admit you tried to watch 'p and your dainty little ass stumbled upon the wolf onomatopoeia site. Or you're a, uh, ah just forget I said anything actually
>>34635267i didnt say it made me special. i said it made me sick. its not the first site of it's kind either.
>>34634798Call them what you want, I'm not objecting. I'm just saying awful people are awful people and making it more poetic doesn't actually make the world make more sense. Give yourself some credit, you're not an abuser as far as you've said, you don't contribute to their actions. That counts for something. You want to say you're their kind, another monster, but you aren't them even if the difference feels dangerously close. You have a disorder that was put on you, a perversion you hate. Yes I'm sure it's an active decision rather than being like you're possessed but you've been put into a cloud where the impulse won't go away and I doubt you have anything that brings you a fraction of the "comfort" or place to be. It's good that at your core you hate them, it's good that don't like what you're doing. I don't have an answer to how you stop but we're all surrounded by prevailing evil and are just living our lives on this shithole planet populated by disappointments of sapience we'd never recreate.Porn is bad for you. Bad people are bad for you. If you felt you had an alternative lifestyle/path to opt into and felt strong enough to pull yourself out and build yourself up I bet you'd want to. It's so fucking hard though, nobody is getting by content. You've already been sabotaged, you don't need to choose to see yourself as your worst enemy too. I admit I don't practice what I preach though, I'm weak and in a hole too.
>>34631801>i don't know how to stop this. i can't tell anybody.I advise you to tell someone, preferably a psychologist. From the sound of it you are not actually attracted to children but to the idea of being abused, which of course is terrible but is less taboo and you are more likely to be able to get treatment for it with an easy heart. No doubt it feels like a huge red line to tell anyone about something like that, but the fact that you are already honest enough to admit to yourself that you crave abuse and abusers is a good sign that you may be able to tell a psychologist, and hopefully they would be able to help you.I am kind of like you in a way, for me it's masochism due to past violent abuse. It's had a pretty horrible effect on my physical and psychological health. I actually used to miss specific abusers in the past. Now, I get my needs met by writing fiction with S&M themes and that works well enough for me. I have no silver bullet solution, but I recommend trying to find someone competent to talk with as that can help with exposing blind spots in your thinking and feeling. Apart from that, I'd say it's about managing and waiting out the fixation, at least in my case that's how I approach the problem. Trying to manage and control my desires and keep them from getting too destructive. You can probably also see that in your own life, if you can identify aspects of your desires that feel satisfying but less destructive, and aspects that feel satisfying but more destructive, preferring the former can be helpful. I now avoid writing or engaging with certain genres that leave me with a kind of feverish feeling after I am done, and this has helped limit the damage.I think ultimately I will have to wait for a time when I find this boring and when I am ready to move past this. Otherwise, I think no matter how stimulated or happy I am, there will always be this longing. There may be ways to actively overcome and abandon the importance of such a longing too idk
>>34634798>there are monsters. we are who we choose to be every day. i have been hurt but nobody makes me look up these things. my actions are mine. i just want to stop.Not that anon, but while your mentality is understandable, things don't quite work that way IME. You are going there because you like the emotions you feel when you are on that website. So while the use of discipline may keep you off that website for a while, the emotional habits and needs remain, which will keep pushing you in that direction with roughly the same level of intensity they are pushing you right now. So you may want to find a healthier substitute for what you are doing. Only your own experience will teach you if and to what extent you can substitute these aspects you are uncomfortable with, with something more tolerable. Even then, it may take some time and be a gradual process. It does sound to me like you don't want to be on such websites any more, and I would add that maybe you don't want to be engaging with such content, either. I suspect that I am correct to think that. In which case, you may want to try something different that follows similar enough themes to keep you interested without feeding what you consider problematic and uncomfortable. For example, if what you find attractive in a conceptual sense is 'ruining another person', there are many other things you could divert your attention into which may serve as a substitute, and may feel safer for you and have less destructive consequences. You will probably be the best judge of what content seems to help you cope and what content seems to worsen your problem.
>>34631801You (in particular, practically) can't rewrite other people, so rewrite who you interact with.Gather the courage to find as much good in sexually healthy and mature people as you're finding in pedos. Addictions are a natural coping strategy where you get something semi-satisfying (like soda) to put a band-aid on an underlying, much deeper lack of satisfaction.
>>34632289telling a victim of child molestation to go to a catholic church is like telling a person with lung cancer to find work in the asbestos & diacetyl factory
>>34631801>i don't know how to stop thisStop going online. Start doing offline stuff (which means going to the gym, going to boardgame events, etc.).And most importantly, get a job and use the money from said job to talk to a therapist.
>>34631801Have more sex
