>>34632724
>What can I possibly do to solve this?
Change your attitude and way of thinking first. The rest will follow.
I understand you may have had a fucked up life. But you're not done. And you're *definitely* not middle-aged. You're 22. That is objectively completely fucking false. I would kill to be 22 again.
You (potentially) have your entire life ahead of you. Don't waste it.

>>34632724
>What can I possibly do to solve this?
What you need is a vision quest of sorts. You must upend your old existance and start anew, Wiped clean and ready for the next phase of your life. Feeling "middle aged" aka MATURE for 22 is a gift not a burden. Most 22 year olds are as mature as a 12 year old and will waste the next ten years at a club or chasing pussy or doing blow or whatever. You've experienced enough pain and growth to last two lifetimes and you still have a lifetime ahead of you. That type of knowledge and experience can't be bought, only earned though pain and force of will to survive. You are stronger than you will ever know and you have nothing but options, endless things to be hopeful about. What you lack is direction and self love. You must go on a vision quest and touch the universe deep inside yourself and find your true path forwards.

>A vision quest is a rite of passage and spiritual practice where an individual seeks purpose, personal direction, and insight through solitude, fasting, and deep immersion in nature. Traditional quests are sacred to many Indigenous cultures, but non-substance versions are broadly used as tools for mindfulness and life transitions

>>34632921
Im not sure how, I feel like ive tried so many perspectives and become dissolutioned with them. I used to love the fact life was a struggle becuse I believed it gave me a chance to prove myself as stronger than the hand I was dealt, then that turned self destructive and eventually lead to me doing something quite genuinely fucked up, at which point all the romanticism was knocked out of it when I realised how much I might hurt others. Then eventually I came to learn more gratitude and love of life which I still have, I greatly love things like art and nature, but then I realised that most people did not share this affinity and that left me extremely isolated and eventually I loved the art and nature and general world around me so much that I became misanthropic towards the people I shared it with. Eventually then I learnt to be patient with people but that lead to me giving endlessly in my relationships until that became another drain. Each time I think I internalise a new functioning mindset it backfires in the long run and ive come to feel that im too tired to try again.
>>34633180
In a sense i understand and belive what you're saying but I just feel so bogged down by everything that ive been through. I feel so much remorse over how life turned out, so much guilt over how I let my problems spill out on others, so much bitterness at how much I loved life but how little of I've ever had the chance to live.

It feels like more and more weight has been piled onto to me as a result of learning new perspectives that even though I might have developed more life experience than most people my age It also feels like that life has itself become to burdensome and painful to continue living.

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>>34635651

when I was around 22 I thought things couldn't any worse
then life took off the gloves and hit me with an unreal combo
mind-blowing pain taught me that being pitiful is fucking useless
hope that helps :)

>>34632724
I feel the same way, i recently started seeing a shrink and it helped me out a lot, just getting it off my chest, ordering my thoughts, etc did a lot. If you can afford it, give it a try.

You have to have an attitude of "this is a fixable situation", it's not a silver bullet and ultimately you'll have to put in the legwork.

Depending on how hard you've had it a lot of people coming here to give you advice will be completely unaware of the actual situation.
So I will give you my nuclear grade advice.
Sometimes, there is no other way, and the only way out is through. You tell yourself, "this sucks, and (by the looks of it, though not necessarily) it will keep sucking for a while, so I am just going to endure this and stick to the necessary things I need to do". Don't shoot for the stars. Do what you consider the bare necessity to build a life that works for you.
Just a few things is good enough.
For the next month, take care of one health-related thing. So you say you are "bedrotting" right now, cool - your mission for the next month is to take a one-hour walk every day. Next month, add something else, maybe start cooking for yourself and make sure you get decent food every day, hydration is also important.
You keep adding these things until you have a routine that preserves your health. Then add things that build your wealth and career. Apart from this, you are permitted ONE personal goal to begin with (so if you want to be a writer, do 1 hour of planning/writing per day, every day, without fail).
Key hacks:
>Put tasks first thing after you wake up and don't ever miss one. Ever. Ever ever. But if you do, just start over.
>Use the 5 minute rule. "I will try doing this for 5 minutes, if I don't want to do it I will stop/try something else." Usually this is enough to get you going.
Finally, remember that you don't have to fix this. You just have to survive and be in serviceable form. If you are, when an opportunity comes your way, you will be able to take it. Figure out the rest when you get there.
And remember to tell yourself "I can do this, I can get through this", every day, multiple times a day. Because you can do it.

>>34632724
Go to theraphy