>>34634830
>self hatred
>for my past decisions
Like?

>watch like wicked depraved internet porn
Like? Just curious, for educational purposes!

>always end up in these hedonistic nasty rabbit holes of self destruction and I feel so tainted and useless for it, like I'm worthless. Any advice on how to go about moving on from these feelings or dealing with them..? For reference I'm 19 if that matters or anything

Get a job, stop leeching off of everyone else, your parents, government, whoever is providing for you. Then you are free to do whatever ya want with the money you earned yourself that wasn't off of someone else's labour. Simples.

And once again, you haven't actually named specifically what's so "destructive" about whatever the hell you've got your panties into a twist for. It sounds like somebody made you feel shitty about yourself (probably undeservingly, when they should've been more empathetic) and then you just treated it as gospel instead of actually figuring out if what they said or did to you had merit or not.

The only specific behaviours you've named were
>Back in high school I was very very isolated and would skip meals, hurt myself, watch like wicked depraved internet porn constantly and sneak liquor by myself
Which is pretty tame par for the course shit (albeit lame and "rebellious") that people, especially around this age, do. And easily fixable too. The whole le unsalvageable and tainted stuff is more like you are just addicted to this escapist stuff because you're scared of facing reality, probably because the rejections hurt a lot and now you're being a pussy about it. Now that you know, it's up to you to stop being a pussy and pick up from where you left off.

>>34634842
last few sentences is what I think I really needed to hear, haha

seriously though, I have started working which is nice. I just have some complex in my head that those particular behaviors are like, unforgiveable and gross, even when they never really impacted anyone other than myself. Im well aware my experience is like, commonplace and cliche and whatever, I just have a really hard time with it and it pisses me off lol, irrational and all.

As far as the porno stuff its way embarrassing to me haha, not even really messed up stuff, just like, this bizarre niche of overstimulating gooner shit. Also when I was younger, I had a way strange habit of like, busting in my pants to this freaky porn, and just like, not changing or anything, so basically got off on jizzing my pants. That was when I was like 15 so boohoo whatever, but of course now I find myself being like, how was I so retarded in my youth that I was legit fine with being like that lmaoo. But yeah with the porn stuff I think it fucks me over so hard coz im like, pretty unflinching about stuff like that, wicked unjudging and sex positive and all that, but I feel so ashamed sometimes. I'm also someone who is very adamant about not being all escapist and all, not supporting some hypersexualized corporate junk, those are values I hold close, and I feel I've irreparably betrayed myself because I've indulged in all that. I'm not straight edge or whatever by any means, but have this intense lurking feeling i've failed myself and all disgusted at that.

>>34634862
(1/2)

>unforgiveable and gross, even when they never really impacted anyone other than myself

Yes you have some shame embedded, which needs to be unravelled. Rather than being ashamed, it's more logical to be more detached and calculative about it, that this stuff is a waste of time and resources and has high opportunity cost. That is true without needing to feel shame; it's just matter of fact.

>bizarre niche of overstimulating gooner shit. Also when I was younger, I had a way strange habit of like, busting in my pants to this freaky porn, and just like, not changing or anything, so basically got off on jizzing my pants. That was when I was like 15

Seems normal to me, a standard progression for people who seek stimulus from porn instead of seeking it IRL where they actually have to form connections and relationships and have emotional and personal stake in it (higher barrier of entry). Also just sounds like a standard kink. Some might even find that kink enjoyable as well.

Still curious what this niche is. It doesn't sound that depraved, rather it's just overly loud and on-the-nose attempts at hyper-stimulus

>hypersexualized corporate junk

Yes, well it both serves people badly in different ways - waste of money, if anyone ever decides to purchase it. But it's a waste of time and energy you could've been putting into building real connections and relationships and learning real stuff and real experiences rather than being fed and sold fake and over-glorified fantasy ones that don't actually have a basis in reality.

The cost benefit of this indulgence really does skew costly, especially if you haven't attained the real life foundations yet. You're just being sold fake fantasies and exploited and distracted from working on actual goals that would benefit your life.

>>34634889
(2/2)

You probably feel behind, but instead of addressing that, you ignore it and escape instead because it's painful to acknowledge, which then makes you more behind, and so you escape more, and end up in a much worse spot. So I guess the acknowledgement of the addictive mechanism needs to be there so that it can be gradually broken out of