I have a long term suicide plan and I'm getting tired of waiting

it's over.

>>34650002
If it's long term, you're not doing it right.

I want to see you achieve your dreams. Whether I'm by your side or not, I know you will. Just don't give up.

Each day without news hurts me too. I want to hold you.

i feel like you’re only keeping me around as an ego boost because you know im still attached and i still love you, yet you’re cold towards me and dont want to talk.

>>34649979
Life feels heavy and "grown up" problems are starting to hit
There was a quiet time after my dad's funeral, like 3 or 4 days, we were together, hanging out as a family
But now my bpd mom is onto the same bullshit with the money fights
We have received some financial aid to cover the cost of the funeral and she already wanted to spend it but my sister stopped her because we need to be on buget since we're between jobs
But in her bpd fashion, she doesnt get this, blames my sister for being too controlling and all that
Its just a weird feeling overall, my dad is freshly buried and we already have these types of fights
All so tiring, all so demanding
May be god's plan but I dont understand it, I start to doubt it, I even wonder why he toys so much with people

>>34650005
It is the right way. I still have a mother who cares, and I wouldn't want to make her feel any way about it.

Why? Why is all this happening? Why did they do it? Why is it taking so long? I’ve done so well under this pressure but for what? Why must the wait continue?

I wish you didn't take your anger out on me.

>>34649979
i fucking hate every single woman that isn't my mom or grandma on planet earth so god damn much. SO GOD DAMN MUCH.

>>34650003
i hope you know only losers post this, and every time you post it you become more of a loser.

Gross how stupid I’ve been.

>>34650179
it's double over....

it's beyond over...

>>34650209
that means you are beyond loser.

>>34650214
no...

>>34650217
those are the rules. sorry.

i wish you were alive so i could talk to you right now

Put yourself in my shoes, look from my perspective, imagine reading what I read and being told what I was told, and you'll understand why. They struck while I was in a panic, told me all the lies you supposedly told about me, and all the evidence backed it up...

But if you're just looking to continue hating me, by all means.

Not to sound like an edgy faggot, but nobody truly understands my pain, suffering, and agony.

>>34650185
Wow.

>>34650185
At least you've learned your lesson, right?

should I tell her? what if the offer comes across as condescending, or it just blows up in our faces again? I'm so torn

There were so many times I tried to tell you I was drowning, only to be put down, dismissed, and have more demanded and expected of me. How long did I try to go to you for help before giving up and turning to others?

>>34650310
I don't know what to say to this.

You just wanted to argue your right to scream at me and attack my character without consequence or without affecting me negatively (as if I choose to be affected or not.)

Learning new ways to communicate and repair in ways that mattered for us was too jewish for you. I tried to brute force my end to meet your needs (you don't see it, because I couldn't) and got sicker for it.

I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried I cut off parts of myself as much as I could but couldn't heal the wounds fast enough I wasn't ok and I fucking TRIED, I TRIED to be tried to force being ok but it made it WORSE

>>34650328
Are you saying it's my fault, though?

Fuck but I didn't want to get sick, I didn't think I could, I didn't know it could feel like that, like this. It gutted me, terrified me, fucked with me. Who the fuck did I have, if not you?

>>34650270
>to endure oneself may be the hardest task in the universe.

>>34650332
I'm saying I tried your way, and it hurt me more, and that I tried to find other ways, anyone's ways, to try, and you wouldn't.

>>34650342
Okay, but my ways are my ways, not yours. Why did you ever think you try things my way would work? I'd rather you be your own person.

>>34650349
You asked me to, and rejected & resented my ways.

>>34650350
You must be mistaking me for someone else.

We each talked to our family. Look at the difference in how they treated eachother. The manipulative coldness, nastiness, your family showed me. My family still polite and communicative with you. Wonder why that was.

>>34650352
>>34650350
What exactly did you think I resented about your ways?
>>34650361
I'm not in the Families anymore, Gracie, I know you still are and they had to damage control you. But I think you should let that go.

>>34650361
Maybe her family wasn't cold, they're probably reserved and awkward. There's always 2 side to the stories.

>>34650372
She's talking about a past we had, don't mind her.

>>34650361
Also, they fucking treat you like bait. Your family isn't perfect by any means. You're part of the reason I left the Families, and you wonder why they don't like you.

Every time I travel for work, I think about cheating on my wife. I love her more than anything and I feel like I know I would never cheat on her. I just hate myself for thinking about it so much. I even take off my wedding ring sometimes when I'm gone.

Was I more honest about my role and more protective of you, expressed understanding of your side, than you? Is my family more empathetic, emotionally intelligent than yours? I don't think my behavior was worse than yours (not to say it was better.)

>>34650372
No, that definitely wasn't it lol. They admitted and saw that their family was nasty to me during that time.

>>34650381
You've made it clear that you don't want to be with me, but I'll listen to your issues with me, if that's what makes you happy.

Doesn't matter. None of this fucking matters. Autistic need to understand and make sense, make right, of things keeps me stuck. I'm on the next step here, and can start looking for a new place to stay. Trudge forward, pills numbing.

>>34650384
Then why the fuck are you venting about it, just talk, I'll listen.

>>34650383
It wouldn't make me happy. It would make me sad.

>>34650387
Why? Because you hate me now? Because you think I hate you? I don't. Let me know exactly what I did wrong to you, for you to say that about me.

I will never bother you or anyone around you again, I should have left it alone. I'm sorry for the final outburst, there's no excuse. It's been nothing but trouble holding onto everything and I should done this a long time ago and left. I should have tried to stay where I am, shouldn't have came back and opened old wounds, I don't know what I was trying to prove. Should have just went back to family back then and stayed there. Things went this way because of me, I demanded and never gave. You tried a soft ending despite having no reason to, bc you were always more emotionally put together than me. I was always a retard and will likely continue to be but without bothering you. Thank you for having the mercy to not return what I dealt out, you were always the bigger person. I hope you can forgive me someday, I never wanted to be this way and I think it's why you held out hope for so long, you knew it too. I'm sorry I threw it back in your face and made you look and feel so stupid. If you read this, you'll know it's for you. I'm going to disconnect for a significant amount of time and try to actually get better. I hope P is happy. You can find better than me easily. Goodbye, this time I mean it.

>>34650392
I don't know what I feel for you. I'm very numb, and very confused. You're too inconsistent. I can't handle hearing and reading that you hate me, or part of you does or whatever, and then you don't.

real larp hours in here

>>34650402
I can't talk to them, so may as well.

>finally didn’t pathetically respond to breadcrumbs
i’m breaking free

>>34650401
I don't hate you. And I never would. I just need some time, that's all. I have to figure out me and my 'new' role. If you feel like you can't bear it, then take as much time as you need. I'll wait for you and I will help you. Just try not to be upset if things happen that we don't understand. I forgive you, okay. Just don't be sad anymore.

>>34650413
Based. Don't accept that shit, you deserve better.

>>34650413
Alright, High School Musical, chill.

>>34650402
I wasn't larping.

>>34650414
Then why say that you do?

>>34650428
Why do you say hurtful things? Out of anger. It doesn't mean those are my feelings about you. I know it doesn't exactly slide off, if I meant them, you'd know it. If you're wondering why I keep my distance now, I'm just trying to get my barings.

>>34650435
>If I meant them, you'd know it
I felt it and was entirely convinced before you even said it. You're saying I was wrong? That you could do worse to me?

I had to hide my tears from you because you saw them as weapons raised against you.

>>34650467
Were they?

>>34650447
I wouldn't fucking threaten you in that way, why do you think this of me? You're not my enemy, I am cerebral towards them, not you.

>pay day
>summer break
>ovulation
>heat wave slightly going down
life will be so much better two weeks from now

>>34650475
That's the spirit, anon. Keep on pushing and you'll get to a better place!

>>34650470
No. They weren't. I understand why you felt that way though, given that's what they were used as when you were growing up.
>>34650472
>Kill her
>Strangle her

>>34650478
thanks! it's nice to have things to look forward to

>>34650479
When did I say that? If it was in your zone, then that wasn't me.

>>34650486
Sorry. I know you're not them, I'm using you as if you were.

>>34650499
Same, I guess. Did they really tell someone to kill you?

I’m possessed and it sucks. I hope it gets better.

>>34650506
You know I keep my distance, why would you think I would say such things?

>>34650506
pray like your life depends on it, because it actually does

Oneitis is good actually

>>34650505
It was them expressing their desires, I suppose. I was too scared to give them the chance to explain.

>>34650522
I agree to a point. I think committing to dating one person at a time is healthy, even in the modern world where it feels like everyone is sampling a harem of men/women. But you do have to know when to let go and shift your focus to someone else.

I’m so depressed. I hope it gets better. I don’t know if it will. I hope so. Please pray for me.

>>34650527
In what context was this? You sure you don't have it out of context?

>>34650549
Will do. I hope you find some light in your life to keep you going.

All these pussy niggas actin' like they Mr Murder...

>>34650557
I'm very sure. I think it unwise to explain further.

>>34650549
Lawdy lawd gobbless this anon.

>>34650574
You can stop acting like you don't know it's me...

>>34650522
Lol

>>34650583
I’m normal

Please unblock me, I need you back in my life

>>34650610
I barely even use Discord, that would make you worse.

Some day, humans will collectively recognize that obsessing over an ex who clearly used you is unhealthy, and all the men and women deluding themselves into thinking otherwise will finally move on.

Once this passes, and we're face to face again, you'll remember your hatred of me.

>>34650665
Why are you so sure you'll be face to face with someone who hates you again? Why do you want to be face to face with someone who hates you?

>>34650668
It's an eventual necessity.

There's a 1000 oneitises out there

I love music.

I hope I experience reciprocal passionate love again before I die.

I've wasted A LOT of potential.

>>34650893
Same on all three points

>>34650893
i really fw this post in particular.

What the fuck? Is this some sort of conspiracy?

>>34650912
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQoRXhS7vlU

>>34650930
You would and only you.

Get over yourself.

I'm an alcoholic
My dad is going out of his way to stay with me to help me stay sober and he's still in that mode where he believes me and I'm lying to get my fix
I told him I'm going on a walk to get steps in and clear my head but I walked to Walgreens for a pint of vodka and a Gatorade to chase
I feel good for the first time in weeks.
I don't want to be like this but I'm battling wanting to die and feeling like life or death all the time for no reason, anxiety disorders because of trauma and autism mixed in goes hard like that. I kinda feel like I'm at the end of my line. I just want to feel good until the inevitable.

>>34651059
What is your problem?

There's something massive growing in my bones, I can feel it's glacial formation.

>>34651059
Why do you keep looking for me

i see the spark in others but mine has faded, everything feels meaningless, if mother wasn't still here i would have jumped off a bridge by know as its not her fault but the fleeting fun doesn't outway the crushing despair of this dystopia unless you retardmaxx and im just so tired

Klara and the Sun looks interesting, I hope it's good.

>>34651206
keep that name out of your mouth

Ok so basically I had incredible sex with this girl, but she made me evil as fuck, which was very hot, but I turned away from it and it just activated my libido. Now I just want to fuck perma. I mean we did crimes together so idk. These life ruining women are too much for me so now I’m going celibate until I learn how to make it positive

>>34651243
sounds about right, toying with the demon of lust is no joke, especially since it's tried to get a bigger hold on you for a long time already

>>34651233
What the fuck? That's the name of a book and an upcoming film.

The sow and the cuckworm.

>>34651252
no, that's the name of my great-grandma, one of my favorite saints and my unborn daughter
don't sully it with your pop culture crap

>>34651257
a match made in heaven

>>34651245
It’s just not good for me anymore, despite how much I love it. Envy has let me go, though

>>34651261
I didn't fucking name it that, take it up with the author.

>>34651301
it's not actually good for anyone, ever
but ofc you wouldn't have known peace without literally fucking around and finding out for yourself, lol
it's good you did though, the what if's probably wouldn't have let you have any peace

>>34651322
Definitely not, and now I can be confident in myself as a sexual being, I guess
But now I want to shoot higher and go for 10s, but that also feels bad. I think I need to be celibate for a while, my love is very intense

>>34651324
what does that have to do with love?

>>34651325
I make women fall for me hard when I fuck them, they are harassing me

Does J Cole still talk a bunch of shit in his songs?

third world hours on this website are something else

>>34651328
you sure you don't enjoy and encourage that? you can always just block them, you know
also, you don't harass people you love, that seems more like lust and obsession

https://youtu.be/KxahWVrKmG0?is=M8_4vJkzPDT7Y_Qh

>>34651334
I do in a way, yeah, but they’re showing up outside my apartment
Also had a very stressful night so I’m in a bitchy mood

>>34651344
I see, that's creepy
I guess that's what they mean when they say to not stick your dick in crazy
I hope your day gets better

>>34651348
Thank you. I missed you, I literally tell every girl I meet about you. I hope you’re doing okay, but if you’re here then probably not?

? Oh, word?

Might fast track the sex robot thing, we'll see. Because that definitely...

"The Rooster" is back.

Billie Eilish - BIRDS OF A FEATHER (Official Lyric Video) / BillieEilishVEVO
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5gf9dXbPi0

Taylor Swift - Haunted (Taylor's Version) (Lyric Video) / Taylor Swift
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cC6fw8EqWU

Back in the hole

YOU left me here with nothing but the clothes on my back.

>>34651351
that's a bit silly, why would you do that?
no actually, I'm doing pretty well, I might have solved finances, I'm getting very close to my goal weight, my liver and heart have made a full recovery, I've made huge progress on cleaning up the basement, I survived the wedding and the funeral and didn't even lose my cool when a certain someone almost burned down the house on the weekend (turns out fire extinguishers are very effective but make an insane mess), am off all meds and I might even be in the process of making a miraculous 180 on religion plus it's only days until summer break
let's see how it plays out

>>34651391
What do you want from me? I don't hate you, Idk how many times I will have to say that. Why didn't you just call on me? You know at least one of my Divine names, did you use them?

>>34651377
>>34651368
Why are you posting this faggot shit here

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Woke up sobbing and my bf almost stayed home but I told him to go. I am so fucked up. I tried to reach out for help from someone yesterday and I am not even joking, it was a fucking tranny, and when I didn't want to talk to a pervert freakazoid (I was nice about it) he reported me to discord so I couldn't talk to my girlfriends for a day. I'm unbanned now as I obviously didn't do anything wrong but what a fucking freak. Imagine preying on someone who is in a bad spot. My family is so fucking gay. I need to just make peace with it. Nothing anyone can tell me will make them more tolerable. It's just the cards I was dealt. It will all be ok. I think I will insist on a fourth of july party across state and we can visit the giant root beer barrel. I need something to look forward to

>>34651404
Because I fucking can. Your fragile masculinity need not apply.

>>34651408
Im a woman

>>34651414
I knew you were going to say that, women have some masculine traits. I know you hate me, but you don't have to call me a fag.

>>34651417
Shut up faggot

>>34651421
Wanna tell me what's wrong?

>>34651396
Wow, damn, that’s very good to hear. Riding the high energy of the sun is doing wonders. Makes me think any progress is good progress because it could be more to destroy later
> almost burned down the house on the weekend
Erm wtf is this story

>>34651448
it involved a thrift store lamp, a hung up synthetic shawl and a wooden closet
not a good combo, I can tell you that
>Riding the high energy of the sun is doing wonders
indeed
>could be more to destroy later
wdym?

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Man I'm so tired of fake ass friends. You're a fucking 30 year old grown man with the audacity to tell me you're too fucking 'socially awkward' to initiate a conversation. It's a fucking text, a simple 'Hi' would suffice. But no, 2 months, I see you online literally every time I'm on, and nothing. Zero. Nada. Obviously if I message first you'll always instantly reply because I'm the perfect little distraction from your cushy office job. Yay, another fucking rant about some worthless work drama I couldn't care less about that you blow out of proportion because you're autistic. But you don't give a shit about me otherwise. 2 years of talking was really just a waste of time. Fuck off.

Double d dose gives detachment enough tto acknowledge your w ant to hold you as being for herr not me Im okey hahaha I m okay I m ok I'm k ok

>>34651559
I'm just trying to find someone that doesn't hate me.

>>34650659
Mayhaps

>>34651517
I get these feelings often. Sometimes it's the feeling that I am going to be rejected, so why try at all? Or that I would be considered offputting once the familiarity was established or even in times even I've been healing. Maybe don't make it a waste of time.

That's it, run off and sulk. It's not my fault that as usual you have decided to make a big deal out of absolutely nothing. It would have taken all of 5 seconds to note the issue and fix it.

And as for earlier, as usual you decided that just because something needs to be done at some point in the next few weeks, suddenly it should be done NOW, on a whim. You just don't think about things like whether or not the money is available right now, even when I've repeatedly pointed this out.

Just fucking grow up already.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rq-7NgH-hcs
>You would stay just to watch me darlin'
>Wilt away on lies from you
>Can't stop the habit of livin' on the run
>Take it all for granted like you're the only one
>Livin' on my own
>Somehow that sounds nice
>You think I'm your fool
>Well, you may just be right

I find it still heartbreaking that my life in an objective perspective is going well for me, but I still feel sad. I can't be happy for what is going on with me, I don't want to go out, I don't want to meet new people. I have so much going on for me, the things I said I was gonna do for you and you aren't with me. I don't have anybody I could share this with. I miss you B

Dont feel. So goodd

How can people not agree in oneitis when it's literally impossible to meet the same person again? To feel the same way with somebody when the soul of this somebody is unique? Yes I could find another woman but it's an object, the woman... I want someone that is unique, because everyone soul is unique

I’m going to hold you and it’s going to be ok. I know it’s hard.

>>34651829
Liar liar rlirar liar