>>34712724
Change your routine. Find another crazy. If not, I won’t worry too much. You are probably not riding of her.

>>34712724
depends on who you are and what works best for you
for me i stay hung up on my exes usually until i get disgusted with myself for the wasted time or find someone else to unhang myself

dealing with the longing in the meantime sucks since you still identify with that person conceptually and physiologically
nothing will change that but distractions and doing things that help reidentify yourself

>>34712815
>Find another crazy
yeah thats the plan, but its not working out so well lol i feel disgust when i talk to other women
>>34712835
ive been drinking, going to the gym and hanging out with friends. summer break is probably the problem since there are not a lot of distractions, back to collage in autumn will be better i think

>>34712895
i would try doing something youve always had some interest in doing and seeing how it goes for you
like a new hobby, a place youve fancied going to for a weekend, new recipe or show youve meant to try, etc

>>34712724
It really depends on what has you hung up. I'm in the process of surviving my disaster of a relationship with one while still being stuck working at the same job as her. 2 months separated, 3 years together.

If you can stomach it, the subreddit for bpdlovedones has great resources and insight into the condition and relationship dynamics that occur typically. Things such as trauma bonds, monkey branching, hoovering, splitting, discards, etc. Having a better understanding may help you avoid certain traps in the healing process and also avoid future relationships with bpdemons.

New hobbies/interests/locations are important, even more so than picking up old ones or getting deeper into ones you already participate in. You want to replace her with new experiences basically, overwrite the despair she has brought into your life and also find a new path for yourself

>>34712724
Honestly besides a therapist the best person to talk to would be someone who recovered from having BPD. It was an ex-BPD that corrected my shit and taught me about all my blindspots and lack of boundaries and the vacuums in my personal life that had attracted a Borderline to begin with and why I kept getting my mind twisted up each time. They're pretty rare but they're out there. BPDs are extraordinary people once they got their disorder in remission.

>any bpdemon veterans out there who know what to do?
Yeah the answer is to 'break-up' with your childhood if you're a codependent, because if you had parents who were harmonious one minute only to fight a lot the next over and over you get it into your head that love is supposed to be up & down, hot & cold, push & pull in cycles. You normalize that then what happens is you unconsciously gravitate towards BPDs without knowing because their very behaviours and personalities feel extremely familiar. Once you solve that, you break the mental conditioning and you can freely just leave.

And leaving the BPD is the correct thing to do because Borderline Personality Disorder is like a fire that stays alive using relationships as the fuel. Relationships actually make the disorder worse, for a BPD to recover they need to stay out of relationships for a while and attend psychotherapy for at least a year at the earliest then they fix their mind and no more BPD.

>>34713112
im a very intense person, that could be why the bpd dynamics are so attracting to me. i can't even imagine myself in a normal relationship with a mentally stable woman lol. I think I just need to move on and get new hobbies etc, as this >>34713057 has said.

Her new relationship is what fucked me up the most, i feel replaceable and I feel like as if our bond was never real even though we had really intense chemistry. And most importantly due to her condition i still have hope, even though I hate to admit that

>>34714899
The fucked up part about BPD or dating them is the bond is real, they do love you genuinely, but whenever they go into dissociative lalaland and they "split" it's as if a different person is at the wheel of their mind.

>>34714899
I've seen a guy who stuck with his BPD girlfriend, for years and years and years, 12 years or something, he took everything and endured it, the arguing the explosive episodes, the constant cheating, they would intensely make up and he was trying to get her to her dream life, a homestead with a small garden, he really wanted her and one night they argue over the phone while he's out at the store and he comes back home and she ain't there, she took a car and just drove it into a river, killed herself.

That's why it's important to break up with them, relationships keep that disorder alive

>>34714914
yeah, her bitch friends capitalized on her condition and made us break up, though I too was kinda inconsiderate. She asked me whether I'd marry her, and since we were both 21 I told her that it was too early to talk about such things, which was the catalyst basically. Fucked up big time there.

Even then, she can't help it which is why I can't bring myself to hate her or stop loving her despite the destruction she brought upon me. I've been devastated for the last 3 months. i just hate myself for still loving her and the thought of her with someone else makes me gag

>>34714924
Thats very rough man. My condolences. The push pull dynamic is addictive to some, and for some reason women with BPD are like sirens.

>>34714949
It's because of abandonment fears that they switch up like that. Some normal people fear abandonment, people with autism fear it intensely, but BPDs fear it to the point of extreme psychosomatic pain and dissociation. So the slightest sign of what they feel is a threat of abandonment even if you didn't mean it that way, the 'split'. Because abandonment for them feels like life or death literally. My ex who had BPD developed hers because she had a weak passive dad, and an extremely physically abusive mom so whenever dad would leave for work she felt abandoned to a cruel fate. The dad did nothing to protect her either so she had a hatred for men deep down and an even deeper hatred for other women. The dynamics can be reversed where it's a selfish mom & abusive dad. Point is when they split and they perceive potential abandonment (from something as little as not texting on time) they see you as dangerous and evil as the abusers in their past and they go into survival mode and run to the nearest 'safe' person aka someone else.
>I just hate myself for loving her
It's one of those things where if you actually love them you gotta let them go. You eventually realize whatever love you have or had for them is eclipsed by an addiction to control the dynamic to try to fix everything, yourself, her, the future, everything. It's mentally unsustainable for you, eventually you will break down.

>>34714983
>>34714949
Sometimes if you amicably leave, (best idea is to leave when they've split and chased after someone else, leave behind a note or message to urge them the find help)

They may go and get help and if you give it a year or so if they've gotten their BPD in treatment or it's been resolved, they will reach out to you. Maybe you start again and continue the relationship proper, maybe not. But either outcome is better than staying

>>34714983
But that said, if you can't leave and don't want to leave, the next best thing is at least get her into psychotherapy. Offer to attend sessions with her together at first and to keep things balanced, you can see a therapist yourself. Both of you agree to make it plain to each therapist you intend to stick together and both of you work as a team to help each other. Make sure you can admit your own issues and see to them (whatever they may be, doesn't mean you are crazy or wrong) because if you can make the recovery equal as a couple she won't feel alone in it like it feels like she is the whole blame.

I've heard of this strategy sometimes working but idk the odds

>>34714983
>>34714991
>>34715154
well its useless now anyway, we havent spoken to each other in 4 months and shes in a rebound relationship anyway. if she ever does return, which I hope so but I don't think that she will, I'll get her into therapy if thats the last fucking thing I do. thank you for your advice friend, cheers.

>>34712724
I'm in a similar note, every time I think I did something wrong, every time I doubt my actions, I listen/watch a video about the types of abuse BPD women puts you through, just to remind myself why I left, why I shouldn't go back, it helps relief that anxiety.
And I"ve told my story to several people, admitting the very things in ashamed for doing, the things I know I did wrong, everyone says I did the right thing, but the doubt comes creeping in.

>>34714983
The thing that hurts me the most is having to leave her in this note, I had to abandon her in a way that hurts, because she was talking to another guy, after we broke up in a friendly way, she had sex with him and made sure I knew by showing up with hickeys and a choke mark, that completely destroyed me and I think I'm actually traumatized.
I tried being intimate with someone else, looking at couples, and even watching porn, but it all triggers the fuck out of me, like it sends me into this anxiety attack and I've started disassociating.
I did so by refusing a friendship gift she offered me, didn't look her in the eyes, didn't talk to her, she was heartbroken and mad.
Conflicting feelings, trauma, guilt, self doubt, low self esteem, shame, emasculated, suicidal even.
She did this to destroy me and she managed to do so, but I didn't let her see it, and that pissed her off even more, blocked me even.

>>34715415
Part of me wishes she'd come back
I have to remind myself it was an addiction, a cycle of abuse where she made me feel like I was her world, then the next day she didn't want to be around me, and pretend it never happened

>>34715415
i hear you. she left me, somewhat friendly. 1 week later she makes another relationship with a fat guy with manboobs. she did make sure that I knew. She knew that I'd ask about it. And when I did and learned about it I was devastated. I was drinking 8-10 beers daily, not eating or sleeping. I lost around 5 kilos in 2 weeks. Part of me wants to hate her, other part still yearns for her.

She blocked me everywhere too. Had our mutual friend block me too since she was her best friend. It hurts and its the kind of pain that I can't ''man up''. Im somewhat stabilized now, im at least functioning but it still hurts. im just not self destructing.

I try to speak to other women, but whenever I do, or see couples or porn i feel disgusted. I dont think that I want anyone else, and when I do speak with someone else its just for passing time. I don't feel anything at all and I feel incapable of love. The most telling this is the utter amor fati I have regarding her. I'd still go back to the start of our relationship all over again even if I knew the ending would be the same.

Lets hope that love does find me again i guess. God I need beer now

>>34715427
I just became a rageful maniac. I have a lot of anger outbursts. I dont even feel like myself anymore, I try to be normal around friends but when im all alone it all comes crashing down.

the things I did for us to get back, how I begged. Ive never been this low in my entire life

>>34715427
I hear you man, I've been trying to eat, but I stop on my tracks each time, I've been trying to sleep, been trying to work out and study, but I'm taking my hobbies back one by one.
I'm glad you're out of that self destruction part, it's fucked cuz the love we have for them is absolutely so fucking intense, it's worse than a fucking drug man, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forget this just like you, I don't know if I'll ever find love myself.
All the good girls that liked me, I felt nothing, I'm just like those fatherless women who likes abusive guys sadly.
>>34715433
I've begged and tried to get back too but I can't after this, I decided to put an end to it, in a way that would hurt her as much as she hurt me, silence is like dying to them yeah, but actions have consequences.

>>34715415
>The thing that hurts me the most is having to leave her in this note, I had to abandon her in a way that hurts, because she was talking to another guy, after we broke up in a friendly way, she had sex with him and made sure I knew by showing up with hickeys and a choke mark, that completely destroyed me and I think I'm actually traumatized.

Yeah that's kinda what they partially intend to do, at least when they've "painted you black." When their disorder takes the wheel their whole thing is to brute force empathy out of you. They genuinely believe the hurt they cause you is equal to the eggshell you broke when you hurt them, could be a minor argument or misspeaking. They do this because in their reality, they do hurt as intensely as if they had been cheated and betrayed, they feel it every day I think over everything. Their reason to cheat and traumatize others is to get them to feel what they feel, forced empathy but in a twisted way.

It takes a time to recover but you can, and you do, I did. Took me at least 2-3 years to finally move past it, and that was without therapy. I imagine for people who take therapy route it can be quicker.

You got out of an abusive relationship. Don't ever go back.

>>34715635
I'm going to start therapy in a few days, it's been like 3 weeks, and it fluctuates so far.
I gotta rebuild my self esteem, but I'm starting to feel a burning desire to do things that I haven't wanted to do in a while because she consumed my life.
So I think I will work on that, do those things, and move on.
She actually insulted me after a date, and this is what led to the discard and break up, she started ignoring me cuz I couldn't muster up the courage to reply, for 5 hours, I know it killed her inside but at that moment I was so heartbroken that I was so in love but nothing actually fucking worked, it was so frustrating to try your hardest to be with someone you think you love and they sabotage it every fucking time, I couldn't handle the disrespect anymore, and I reacted that way too because of the constant negging to make me feel insecure.

>>34715700
Yeah, the longer you stick with them you begin to practice "reactive abuse". Which they then use to tell you that you are the abuser and that you are the devil. Makes you question your whole fucking reality lol

>>34715703
I've been struggling with that too, wondering if what I did was right
After our first date she pulled a similar bs, started saying she wanted to kill herself and that she wasn't good for me, she had confessed and I too, that was such a horrible fucking experience, I was anxious and almost panicking, I'm not even religious and I was fucking praying and crying she didn't do anything

>>34715753
I remember that shit too, the fake suicide gestures to test my reactions, thinking I was about to lose someone if I didn't act fast, or think of something to help. I dropped my school exams to go help and all I got for my trouble was screamed at. Shit was crazy.

I think the only damage I got thats permanent is I don't open up emotionally 100% with women any more. That shit is just gone now, which sucks because not all women are like that. But I perceive then all as a potential threat now and it gets in the way of emotional connection a lot.

>>34715415
Sometimes I'm asking myself what is worse: actually cheating and then only hinting at what happened, just as you described. Or instead only pretending to have cheated on you, just to plant doubt in your mind to test your trust.
after some time, when you've finally had enough, and enough time passed for you to heal from these wounds, that is when they will be ready. right when you find someone new, that's when they will play their winning move: the secret that they held dearly to themselves all this time will be played like a joker card.
They'll come out seemingly hurt and ask why you had to break up with them. they never cheated while you decided to find a new partner, betraying their trust. they will find support among their family and friends, who will look at this the same way: you weren't patient enough for them and their personal growth. yes, it was you in the end who sought another partner and slept with them while they 'preserved their innocence' all this time.
this card will be played as the opening move of their next game, setting the stage for their next partner, whoever is willing to take part in their next act to save them.
there are depths to these kinds of people that are worse than what you experienced or what I experienced

>>34716013
NTA but thank fuck that never happened to me. My ex found a new permanent sucker and I'm off the hook. I don't feel bad for him since he knew we were a couple and he used to be my friend, he thought he bested me and cucked me or something, he was apparently laughing about it behind my back. A year later he's a total recluse, isolated from friends and family, his mental health down the drain, and he's slowly getting bled like a pig by my ex. I got help, got therapy, got the fuck outta there, met a lovely girl, had a healthy stable relationship, got married, got kids now.

>>34716013
Whatever it is, it's manipulation and I want nothing to do with her ever again.
But yeah it wouldn't surprise me if someone like this would pull off some bullshit like that, to play the victim.
She knows what she did, she knows it affected me, AND she was actually mad that I seemed mad at first, then she was even more mad I cut her off and showed zero anger and was actually showing I was happy laughing.
Part of me still loves her, part of me hopes she find some other poor fool too leech off of, doesn't help that she's divorced.

>>34715850
You shouldn't open up 100% to anyone ever in this life tbf, saw an anonymous post of a woman desperate, saying she wanted a divorce cuz her husband admit to fucking a guy once kek

>>34716416
That's not what opening up means, not usually. I can 'open up' about bad things or events I lived through, I'm doing it now, I can talk about bad shit as a separated event that I can coldly discuss. That's not opening up, I mean actually opening up with women, speaking about how I feel, how something made me feel, how I had felt this fear, or that sadness, or this humiliation or that despair. That sort of thing, opening up emotionally, I'm stone cold now and that's a problem because the majority of a woman's pleasure in a relationship is to get at her man's juicy soft heart. But if his heart is cold dead, she's not gonna be having much joy.

>>34716576
I know that's what you mean, and desu I've been vulnerable near women and they've only used it against me, saw me as weak, and started mistreating me, it's not worth it, even if there are good women out there.

>>34715850
hell, my ex chased me with a fucking knife. if she were LITERALLY anyone else I'd curbstomp them. love is one hell of a drug. all I did was hug her and say, ''keep calm my love i love you''. good fucking god man