>>34725799
I'm going to guess you tried to find a boyfriend and he just used you for sex?

>>34725804
over 2 years ago a man promised to take me away from my abusive household and marry me if i slept with him
he took my virginity and left

>>34725806
and he recorded it
indont know if thats relevant but he holds it over my head and threatens to show people

>>34725806
That's rotten. You encountered the 'Nice Guy', I think that's what women call him. In our men's circles we call guys like that "simp faggots". Because they typically behave like that, pretending to be all nice and heroic but when the nans comes off it's a loathsome creature. I'm guessing you socially secluded yourself after?

>>34725809
>Nans come off
Lol mask comes off

>>34725807
>he recorded it and threatens to show people
Start screenshotting or audio recording his threats and collect a pile of evidence of the threats and hand it over to the police. You realize that's a serious crime he's committing right?

>>34725809
no he pretended he would still marry me
he kept saying he would come back but overtime i realised it was a lie
he lied about having a job and pretended he was working idk and he started telling me he would rape our future children

he still emails me
i dont respond
it is really pathetic that i care of it
but it was my only sexual experience so it hurts my head

>>34725813
i used to screenshot everything but i deleted it all because it hurt my head

now all he emails is hey and hello to remind me he exists

>>34725814
It's not pathetic that you care for it, you're being blackmailed and harassed by a psychotic loser. Save those emails and forward them to the police. Have you told anyone you can trust in the family or someone who can have your back?

>>34725817
no
nobody knows i lost my virginity in real life except for a few friends and they kind of ignored it or expected me to move on so it feels like i cant talk about it anywhere except here

and my online friends are probably sick of me crying over something that happened over 2 years ago and was my own decision

at the time i was happy
well i was sad
it was actually an awful time but i thought he would marry me and i convinced myself he would marry me

he was a pedophile
but i thought it was him being cruel to hurt me not him being an actual pedophile

he did it in ways like making me think of bad things saying he would take our future kids alone on camping and leave me at home and insinuate bad things and then call me crazy when i cried from it

but my home life was worse so i really thought he would eventually let me live with him until i realised it was a lie

i cry every week from it so i dont expect people in my life to care but whenever i am hurting

and i hurt lots just from mental illness related things

and it feels like i am hit with a truck of every bad thought

every bad thing said of me or every sad moment that has happened at once

i feel like dying almost every week so i just should go through with it but part of me knows its temporary so i never do

but whenever i feel these things i really feeltjem it doesnt feel like a regular sadness it feels like the only thing that will help is passing away

but i cant tell anyone because its every week and it bothers people

i know i am too scared to do it or i know i wont

so really it is not worth getting help over but i dont know what to do when i feel it

>>34725824
Have you considered counselling or talk therapy to get actual support? Your friends don't seem helpful and what you went through isn't something to be ignored, you ran into an actual psychopath. Their whole joy is to mentally torture people for thrills and that's why you're still affected 2 years later. That would happen to anyone else who encountered what you did, the problem is those who haven't encountered dealing with a psycho up close is that they don't know what it's like so they don't know how to help. He mentally and emotionally tortured you for his own joy, it wasn't just that he was lying, it's that he wanted you to hurt on purpose because to him that was fun. And he kept the recording of taking your virginity because to him you're not a human, you're just a body, a trophy for his ego, namely the virginity and taking it, that was for him, he didn't care what you got out of it.

Have you considered blocking him so he stops emailing?

>>34725837
i did block him and i did well at avoiding reading the emails for a while but ever since he held the recording over me my anxiety makes me check the blocked emails

i messaged him today and quickly deleted it but besides that i have not interacted with him in months and it never stops

i dont know

and about the counselling i did mention it to my therapist but majority of the ways he hurt me im uncomfortable with telling her

mostly i wish i can hide in a hole and never leave

i feel like i am destroying things
i dont really know
even getting better or feeling happy i feel worse feeling that way because i KNOW it will be worse again and i know that sounds cringe and pathetic but its a cycle

>>34725839
It will get worse, but you can choose which 'worse' to choose. That's why we say "it always gets worse before it gets better."

Bad times are unavoidable in this life. To live a great life, it's not about avoiding bad things, it's about developing ways to survive them and also discernment in choosing which bad outcome is preferable to the other. Because sometimes you need to choose a bad moment that actually leads to light at the end of the tunnel Vs. a bad moment that goes in circles and keeps you in the dark.

Telling others like family or the therapist or the police is a "bad time". Because it's scary, it's uncertain, people around you might seem upset or angry because of the shock, you might even worry about acts of vengeance from him. But once you push through it, the psychotic rat is dealt with, and all you need to do is confide in someone you can trust, ideally someone in your family (don't look for boys until this is dealt with to avoid predatory weasels).

The alternative is to choose being under the spell of this psychotic pedophile. That's a real bad time. Because he exists to keep you frightened and desperate so that when he does choose to come back into your life, you will convince yourself it's all you deserve. And if you choose to go with him, he takes you to hell. And he has told you exactly what that will look like, he will rape any children you have with him in front of you just to watch your pain.

>>34725848
thank you
i am feeling a bit better now
i had a bad day

i know it will come back again but i will work on telling more about it with my therapist
i dont want to give him more power which sound stupid and cringe but really he doesnt deserve to be a reason i cry

but thank you for talking to me
i am going to make chocolate mousse tomorrow so i am excited for that and i know i want to get better

sometimes i feel hurt and want to revert back to being worse over a bad day

but things will only stay bad if you dont try

>>34725851
No problem. Stay safe and minimize contact with him. And enjoy that chocolate mousse, you don't have to suddenly do anything right now to fight against him if you're still working up sanity and repairing yourself. That takes time so give yourself time to heal. But when it is time to say something, say it and make sure there's enough evidence to bury that social parasite once and for all.

Have a good day femanon, and god bless

>>34725799
>it feels like i am destined to die no matter what
Well, yes. But probably in 70 years or so, and not from this.

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>>34725799
I've been in the same place before
was around 7 and my 18 yrd old brother saw me with a cold fever, asked if I wanted the cure for it and I agreed, then he led me to the bathroom and yeah, we fucked while he was recording, he was holding his phone with his other hand while I was choking on it and I was crying so much.. I still remember it, years passed and I've found out it wasnt okay
knowning theres literal cp recording of you laying somewhere on the very same internet your browsing, it fucking hurts

you have to truely forgive yourself and know it wasnt your fault, and most importantly accept that its a part of your past that you cannot change,
I did the complete opposite and tried fighting back and forget about it as much as I could, but it made remember even more details and only made me feel worse
based off your posts I believe that your brain keeps constantly reliving the trauma and thats a common way of coping, so whenever the thoughts come back tell your brain ITS over its been 2 years I am no longer living it, remember to start small
>he recorded it and threatens to show people
thats revenge porn, shit's illegal and he 100% can go to jail for that

and if you ever end up crying again, remember its alright and its a part of the recovery process, eventually when you get enough money, try to find a way to move to another country, wish you the best!