>>34761288
>Black alternative/weeb guy
Is this really a big deal nowadays?
>“White guy” in black person’s body as people would tell me
Be the token black guy or something.
>Sonic Fan
If it's bad then stop.
>Bisexual
Never tell anyone this.
>Really shitty lazy eye since 1st grade along with shitty eye sight
Whatever.
> Was molested at age 5 by older relative likely cuz they have noticed how weak I am as a black person. This person now has a family of their own and has continued to verbally abuse me behind my back
Do not spend time with this person, attend therapy if you need to resolve being molested.
>Special needs student back in school K-12. Was never diagnosed by my school district, but met the requirements for receiving an IEP so I’m definitely retarded one way or another. If it wasn’t for technology making shit easier like calculations and reading maps my ass likely would be worse off than CWC. I'm lucky to even work a decent job.
Hard work makes the difference, talent only goes so far. Learn to upskill.
>Unrestricted internet access since age 5. (Newgrounds was my first site)
Spend time offline.
For your last paragraph, there are two options:
>Spend time in spaces that will be more forgiving of your shortcomings, but continue to work on your social skills and be a better person.
>Full plunge into more normal spaces and REALLY sharpen your people skills.

>>34761414
>replying line by line
Like this
>go back to Ribbit you fag
and kys

>>34761821
You really are retarded.

Bump

>>34761288
>planning on an actual evaluation next month
There is even a bias of ASD detection of non-whites among clinicians. Also would avoid psychiatrists - they are hardly educated on the pathology because they have no financial incentive especially not with adults.

>“White guy” in black person’s body as people would tell me
This is an insult among 'groids?

>>34761288
>“White guy” in black person’s body as people would tell me
I grew up around whites in the 2000s where I'd be the only black boy in the class (maybe if I'm lucky there'd be 1 more black kid and we'd be friends) and naturally my manner of speech became "proper". Well that's part of the reason while the other half is another reason.

This kind of criticism is from poor blacks who seethe at you for your upbringing.
>Unrestricted internet access since age 5
You and everyone else. You think parents knew anything about parental controls? Even when my parents tried that the controls didn't work and could easily be disabled at the router level (which they knew nothing about).

>being this type of black person is a death sentence

To Shaniqua.

>>34761414

> It’s definitely a bit better nowadays, but people can still tell how cringe I am. + I now share the space with people who were in the closet about watching anime back then when it wasn’t as ‘accepted’. My family basically see me as a science experiment due to how quiet I am and how I don’t naturally portray stereotypical/normie traits a black person would have. There’s normie black people that watch anime, but my passion for it (and things in general) makes them cringe hella

> Couldn’t even accomplish this back in K-12. Most tokens I’ve seen back then disliked anime and basically followed all social rules at the time.

> puzzle piece hedgehog go burr

> too late for this. Actually a lot better with other men vs women and it’s likely due to how I was introduced to sex from the abuse mentioned in my original post

> My glasses make it better, but the ‘What are you looking at?’ Comments still stick to me to this day, it’s hard to give people proper eye contact at times

> I barely see them, but I’m certain another relative they are close with is in on it and they shit talk me as well. Literally got away with murder and then they turn around and call me the fuck up. Trying to change my living situation in the next couple of months (if the odds are in my favor that is..)

>Don’t even have a license yet because I can’t understand the concept of driving. Tried multiple times to get lessons, but it usually resulted in my getting yelled at for fucking up on the road. Not purposely, might be something with my motor skills

>Literally the internet is all I look forward to after ‘touching grass’. With the way shit is in the US that might be taken from me too lol

>Already spend time with people I actually like. Hard part about it is that I still have to deal with the general public and every damn day and it gets exhausting

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>>34762026
So the CIA is 100% in on this shit as well? A peer of mine pretty much said that was the reason why it was missed the first time when I did my tests to receive an IEP in elementary school. If this is the case, that literally means I’m subhuman to these people and my role is to literally drive myself crazy due to basically not being a drone. Which, how that fuck is that my fault? I used to be able to cope with this stuff as a teen, but I noticed my mental health getting worse since the start of my 20s. Is these doctors don’t care to diagnose me correctly because muh agenda I’m fucked LOL.

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>>34762044

It is when you basically share the same space wherever you go. I don’t even try to fit in anymore or mask. I literally just try to mind my business. I don’t even want to be an uncle ruckus about this shit but my anxiety literally fires up whenever my own race stares at me for too damn long all because you know I think a different way. Shit is unbearable at times. This also caused identity and self-esteem issues.

>>34762063
Here’s the thing. I am not smart at all by all means. Can barely even do my times tables. Literally just love the internet. I grew up in a suburban area which shared all races, but my family still doesn’t understand the way I turned out. Was even told this when I made it visibly clear I didn’t want to be around the relative that screwed me over during youth. It’s like it doesn’t matter where you are, you are still expected to meet the requirements of that stereotypes. Some black guys from suburban areas even try and mask themselves as hood to make sure they aren’t labeled as weird or whatever. I found my relative’s older twitter from 2008 saying I’m destined to grow up gay. Which ig they were kinda right.

>>34762123
>but my family still doesn’t understand the way I turned out

You're not your parents or family members. All children rebel their parents and become of their own. Are there things the parents do that, by consequence, rub off on your character? Unfortunately yes. But if you recognize what they are you can make efforts to correct the behavior with deliberate intention.
>It’s like it doesn’t matter where you are, you are still expected to meet the requirements of that stereotypes.
This only matters if you're underage. Okay I'll give you an example...

I have 2 blood related siblings (I have more step brothers/sisters from my dads previous marriage but that's irrelevant). When they're in the house, they behave, talk normally and aren't ghetto. When they're out of the house they would put on behavioral mask to fit it with the other black kids. My dad forced me to tuck my shirt in my pants, wear a belt, etc. But by the time I left the house and got to school, I tucked it out* (to a certain point, and then eventually I just kept my shirt tucked in all throughout middle school and got made fun of for it. This middle school was further down south in Florida, away from the center of the state, and that's where I was exposed to too many black people).

I'd say who cares what other black people think of you. Really, it doesn't matter. You're an adult now. You're not "dead on arrival". Dead to who?

The core issue is your trauma about molestation. If that still hurts you, go get therapy or something.

Well if you do decide one day to an hero, make sure you take your relative out too and make sure his kids grow up without a father and ruin their life the same way he ruined yours and tell him that before you blow his head clean off

>>34761288
The last black guy I met was a programmer at my work, that fuckign dweeb showed off his Anime desktop background regularly during presentations. Married with three kids. But he was an African, not an amerinigger with that Ghetto thing. Maybe larp as an African, they are a lot more normal about being black than americans are.

>>34761288
NIGGER !!!

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>>34762204
I noticed this first had at a previous job. African guys in general definitely get cut a lot more slack vs black people that were born and raised here. We were both temporary agents too. My coworkers there were interested about their upbringing while I got treated as a second class citizen

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>>34762189
Assuming all of this is due to the ‘tisms’ it doesn’t just stop at rebelling against my family. I’m basically going against the entire matrix the cia or whoever set out for black people. Like I said, I am not intelligent by any means, but when it comes to black, white, Asian, etc I will either be depicted as a docile black guy , or people (mostly white women from my experience) that will frame me as someone that is ghetto and dangerous even though they understand that I’m literally just a retard, but they can’t erase those survival instincts that were programming into them. (Many mangers from various jobs have done this in this most NPC way possible ) White guys are the only people that are upfront and understand my situation. When I got into some shit back in my junior year of high school the cop I was talking to literally asked if I was autistic and wasn’t surprised I wasn’t diagnosed. Pretty much have to except most women will not touch me at all due to this as well. Which honestly if I can cut my attraction to women all together I’d be fine with that, but this doesn’t stop the general public from making me feel like a piece of shit everyday. Haven’t really seen any black person with tisms in history that has a success story, and it kinda has me worried about life as a whole.

*accept

>>34762196
Would only take myself out to be honest. They were basically rewarded by life for what they’ve done and continue to do. Also it was a woman that has done this.

>>34762100
I see you have some above-average critical thinking ability. Make it your top priority to not be misperceived as crazy. Psychiatrists tend to misdiagnose non-white autists as schizophrenic, apparently. You're already struggling with your benign autistic behaviors being misconstrued without a schizo label.
Also consider there are many autists opting against receiving a diagnosis stating some downsides like work discrimination. While you might not be required to disclose your "disability", I wouldn't put it past corpos from accessing such information in some manner in secret in the age of surveillance capitalism. Duh.
If you do decide to have an assessment, your best bet might be a specialist for adult ASD (as in not child ASD). Also likely that insurance won't even cover it. Also likely long wait times.

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>>34762258
>that will frame me as someone that is ghetto and dangerous even though they understand that I’m literally just a retard, but they can’t erase those survival instincts that were programming into them

I used to think like this 10 years ago. That if I hold the door open or don't make eye contact with a white man/woman while walking on the sidewalk or returning my shopping cart to the cart rack would "win me points amongst my peoples". But all this does is induce schizophrenia into your head. Why should you be forced to use self checkout when the loss prevention is watching your black ass and not anyone else in the store then have the nerve to ask for your receipt, knowing you have it, then be a good boy and return the cart when they have cartboys to do that for you all because you don't want to look like a nigger?

Why wouldn't you not make eye contact with any other race so you don't perceive yourself as a threat? Bro if you wore a suit and tie it still doesn't matter, your threat level is already on 4 stars. I used to dress nice, walk with my head down and think as the white man walks past me "Boy I sure do hope I left a good impression on that white man for the betterment of my people! My own people who treat me like shit!".

What I'm saying is
>I will either be depicted as a docile black guy
Your default is automatically "nobody relax". It has nothing to do with your character, that's just how it is. Good news is you're less likely to get mugged at night. Just be you and don't worry about what other's "depict" you in their head upon the 15 seconds they walk past you on the street. That doesn't mean don't carry yourself well, it just means don't inflict schizophrenia.

>>34762244
I'm not from the US so thats not an issues here, there are no "native" blacks. But american blacks behave and act very differently and are overwhelmingly disliked and looked down upon by the Africans. The (educated) Africans are just foreigners, the amerinigegrs are into some muutoid larp thing that nobody gets and everyone is annoyed by.

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>>34762315
>>34762285

>Doctors will try their best to keep me from getting proper diagnosis even if that means my health can possibly decline later on

>Default being ‘nobody relax’ no matter where I go

I know water is wet, but literally all that Black Lives Matter stuff and these recent movements feel like bullshit, and what makes it worse is that all the people around me were trained to spout this stuff, but not actually turn their words into actions. Water is wet I know.

I just need some kind of medication for the anxiety and the fucking off the wall thoughts I get everyday. I am definitely a pussy cuz it’s hard to go to work run errands or do anything outside around normies desu cuz it always feels like there is a target on my back from both my own people in other raises. I don’t even see myself as intelligent either as I would’ve found a solution to this by now. If big pharmist actually gives me a proper evaluation and medicine to manage this shit so be it, but I really don’t know how my 30s will look raw dogging life. Already a semi alcoholic at this point lol

*other races + autocorrect added desu lmao. Used to be able to type properly pre teen - teenage years. Not sure if this decline is due to tisms getting worse or schizo symptoms

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>>34762315

And another thing. The whole deal about ‘nobody relax’ I said it before, there were white guys around my age and older who had girlfriends that understood the whole ‘White Man in a black guys body’ thing, but it’s usually older white people and women that can’t stop being prejudice about me even when they know for a fact I’m a pussy. Like for most women my traits are not sexually attractive at all. So for them to act like I’m aggressive even though those same traits they appreciate and reward for an actual black guy just drives me.

So there’s definitely people out there that understand this. Probably due to whatever agency they were trained to ignore that feeling.

>>34762393
>for them to act like I’m aggressive even though those same traits they appreciate and reward for an actual black guy just drives me.
You're penalized in one way for being autistic and penalized again for being autistically sensitive to the unspoken duplicity and injustice of it with no clear recourse.

>>34761288
I think the most important thing for you would be to get professional help. You cannot be expected to function normally based on this information. Problem is that therapists start at $70/hour, and good ones cost more.

I really don't know what to tell you, OP. If you live in a third world country, such as the US, then there just won't be enough social programs for people actually in need.

You should definitely apply for every autismbuxx program you can think of, and put money towards mental health professionals. It will help you figure things out on your own.

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>>34765468
Yeah, shits fucked. Job I’m at now has health insurance plan so I’ll probably see if that does anything to soften the blow of my wallet. Already got an evaluation planned.

Definitely have anxiety and depression as well, and probably a whole lot of other shit so I’m definitely gonna be stressing these doctors to get my ass medicated as well as I don’t want to potentially go full schizo before I even get my own place. My life isn’t perfect, but It could’ve been hella worse overall. Hoping once I get medicated all of those other thoughts in my head stop and at the very least I’ll stop giving a shit what the general public thinks and will be able to focus on getting cash together to move away from my family and stay close with the friends I do have. Hope the god big pharm actually does help me cuz this shit is getting unbearable. Pissed mostly cuz all of this shit was purposely missed the first time

>>34765637
What makes you think they wouldn't miss it a 2nd time? There's the likelihood of them doubling down on the missed diagnosis because reasons, one being you're black so it must be schizo and not autistic symptoms. Even uttering "schizo" in their presense would likely land you in a point of no return if you weren't there already. Every missed attempt will make the next attempt even more difficult. Don't dive in haphazardly bro. Think this through.

>>34765637
Whatever you do, don't let them exclusively medicate you. Only accept medication if it's part of a program. Medication can expedite psychotherapy, but can't replace it.

If medication is the entire program... then they either don't care, or don't have the resources to help you.

In my experience, insurance was dogshit when it came to mental health. You're almost guaranteed to have to shell out $100 per hour for a good therapist (depending on the prices in your area). That's 5k a year, but it's worth it. I don't know how much of a strain that will be on your budget, but maybe you can bridge the gap with some extra autismbux from the government. People collect disability for far less than what you have, so you should explore every avenue to scrape together money for treatment. And for getting away from your family, if possible.

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Hey OP. I don't know if I can give you any tangible advice but I wanted to say you remind me of my best friend. He's your age, black and diagnosed autistic. And I know he struggles in ways I can never help him with. But I really care about him and he makes my world brighter.

You most likely have someone who wants you in their life. Who you make happier by existing. And I am not saying you need other people to validate your existence but if it's at all a comfort I hope you can think of that. Your life has more value than you realize. Don't let people who don't care about you take that away from you.

>pic rel my friend sends me frog images when he knows I'm struggling

>>34761288
Go to therapy, avoid medication unless it's strictly necessary (most of the time it isn't). It sounds cliche as fuck but doing exercise, improving your diet and other healthy habits actually do help.

Join some weeb club or some other gay group activity like writing or poetry, stop trying to be a normie, or a black normie, and just embrace your autism (just don't go full retard), there's plenty of people like us out there, and a good friend is a huge help to overcome depression.

And if you think the same cliche life-hacks that I mentioned aren't worth trying, remember this: it's stupid to expect a change if you keep doing the same stuff over and over. So, at some point you have to give it a try to that gay shit. Good luck, anon.

>>34768227
das a good friend.

>>34761288
eat good, exercise, do stuff for you, love is action, love yourself, do not sacrifice self for what you think others would be at ease at if you became that

self love is being who you love to be. You are accepting yourself, you have issues with minding others who dont. Like everyone. When Im loving myself - not everyone feels same about me, but guess what - I also meet best people when Im being who I love being. I could act and hide but that would be a fake life.

Life should be lived authentically. You may not be a normie but normies are just individuals who are sick with the NPC virus. They kill their inner child early on to fit into tribe that no longer matters and live trying to compensate killing their inner child - by oversexing or over spending or over whatever.

When you make friends with who you truly are happy to be regardless of external eval, you feel truly alive (tm) and you dont really need much.

Whatever you think is limiting you - its less about the thing, more about your view of it, perception of it.

Plenty people with lazy eyes who made it. Look at Forrest Whittaker.

He aced that role in movie "Ghost Dog - Way of the Samurai" (fully recommend it).

He got lazy eye. He would be considered autistic by juice dogmatic larping method mistakenly called psychiatry sometimes.

He owned that shit and would also probably not be called a "real nigga" because he did his own thing.

Find what makes you happy like that black "ding ding ding" digimon dude on youtube and just enjoy life.

I love seeing people being happy.

Good luck mang